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My Mother Makes Snide Remarks About My Niece and Stepson

My mother has been favoring some of her grandchildren and saying bad things about her other grandchildren she is not close to.  This is the first time in over a year, I ever sat down and discussed this issue with her.  She calls my niece a troublemaker and talks about her behind her back.  My niece is 9 years old and does not have the ability to defend herself.  My sister overheard my mom say this about my niece.  My mom also calls my stepson "the boy" when she refers to him.  When she asks me something about him, she refuses to remember or say his name. It shows and demonstrates she is not interested in knowing him or acknowledging him. My stepson has been in my life for 10 years and my mom refuses to learn his name or call him by his name.  There is nothing worse than someone not getting your name right.  It's hurtful and I get offended by it. When my mother calls him "the boy" in front of my husband and stepson, it embarrasses me and hurts me and my husband.  I told my mother to stop calling him that and said "his name is..."  Instead of fixing it and correcting it, she gets defensive and brings up a list of things she thinks I need to work on.  She says "there are things I can complain about too that you do."  I should be able to bring up a complaint about something and not hear what she thinks is wrong with me. She gets very defensive when I tell her she spoils my brother and his children and mistreats my stepson and my niece.   She caters and spoils my brother's children and hosts parties for them and takes them to parks, carnivals and shopping.  She never calls my niece to wish her a happy birthday, ever.  And she has never called or done anything for my stepson on his birthday.  However, she has hosted and held birthday parties for all 5 of my brother's children and has bought them extravagant gifts.  It would not be a big deal if she didn't do that for any of her grandchildren, but to do those things only for certain grandchildren and not others is hurtful.  When I told my mother she shouldn't call my niece a troublemaker and instead correct and let her know what she is doing wrong, my mom gets defensive and says "I call her a troublemaker because she is a troublemaker" and when my brother's children misbehave, she showers them with affection.  It's so unfair and one-sided.  When I am with my brother's children and there was an instance when they threw food at each other at the dinner table, I told them to not do that again, my mother interfered and told me to not talk to them like that and hugged and kissed them immediately after I reprimanded them.  My mother doesn't want to hear what she is doing and when something like this is brought to her attention, she rebuts that she has issues with us too and denies she favors other grandchildren.  We don't visit her as much because of the issues we have with the way me and my family get treated.  She then questions why we don't visit her as much and asks if we are "avoiding" her.  I love my mother and want to get along but it is difficult to watch her spoil and be so doting of my brother and his children and also be so insensitive and careless with my niece and my stepson.  She gives my niece dirty looks constantly and talks about her behind her back.  My niece is only 9 years old and doesn't deserve this abuse.  I know I can't change my mother or force her to love and dote on my stepson and niece, but I would at least like to know how I can help my mother understand the namecalling and favoritsim is negatively affecting our family relationship.
4 Responses
684030 tn?1415612323
No offense... but, if I were in your position, I'd ignore your mom and
I'd tell the kids to pay no attention to "the crazy old lady." ... I really would!
She's not going to change her thinking. So, maybe, by acknowledging that it is she;
and not them who has the problem... they may not feel so rejected and dejected.
That's just my take on this.

Avatar universal
What your mother is doing is favoratizm and it's not only wrong, but abusive behavior, because a child will remember and grow-up remembering being rejected and cause all types of problems when they are adult.

It breaks my heart to say this, but, to protect them from this type of abusive behavior, because it is abusive (rejection), I would keep the kid's away from grandma's house, until she realizes that her behavior towards the kids is unexceptable.

She will take notice and if she approaches you, tell her that due to her showing favoritizm among the grandchildren, it's necessary to protect the kids from realizing that their grandma is rejecting them. Best wishes!
Avatar universal
It is sad for the children, but there are many mothers and even dads that do this, i know that the know what they are doing ,and it is wrong, but i hate to tell you she will not change, it is just best to visit less than have the children hurt, the more you talk about it, she will just get worse, also some parents also have favorite children and show it which is sad, but that is life for some people, and they just cant or wont change  i am so sorry for you and your family   luck  jo
Avatar universal
I have 19 grandchildren, and this is the perfect example as to why I moved to florida and allow my children to run their own lives.  This is the nightmare I was trying to avoid and am so  so sooo glad I did!  There is only one of me and not nearly enough to go around without one of my kids feeling slighted or like one of the others are favored over the rest of em.  I just avoided the whole darn mess!
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