My heart goes out to you because you both suffer abandonment issues. You because you had to do what you needed to do at the time of separation from his father in order to preserve yourself, and him because he feels that you left him to pick up the pieces.
Write him a letter about how you feel and ask for his forgiveness. Let him know, and except it yourself, that forgiveness in hurt families is the key to lasting peace. Believe me, he will want peace for himself too. Lastly, remind him that you love him and that there will always be a door open at YOUR home for him as long as you live.
It may take some time, but he will come around because he will grow up and eventually want to hear both sides of the story and that will afford you the opportunity to re-bond when he is ready and searching for answers.
You are correct! These kids today are ungrateful, mean and hateful. If I knew back then what I know now I would not have had children. I have two sons, 17 & 19 & they are polar opposites! I'm a single mother and I was married to their dad for 12 years. we have been divorced for 8 years. I provided everything to them and done the best that I could! We have always lived in a nice neighborhood and I've always had food andclose. Now my older son is so disrespectful! He has never been that way before. I don't know what is going on but our relationship is about to be over.I told him that he will need to leave here if he is going to be disrespectful and that's the end of it. If he does not want to have a relationship with me then that is his problem. I refuse to be manipulated and disrespected.
YEP, you are right.
I got the one son that hates me and (thanks God) the one son that loves me.
Today is my sons B-Day.
And for the first time in his 28 years on this earth, he is not getting a call, a card, an Email or text message from his mother.
Yes, I'm sad.
But will get over.
I'm just so glad I'm not alone in this... For me it sounds like my 19 yo is trying to find excuses to hate us.. It hurts so much, I literally have not slept in the last three months. We had problems when he hit puberty, but it was nothing compare to the cold silence nowadays.. I know at heart he's a good kid, he just needs to move on. But how on Earth they can afford independent living these days?
God bless you. Your story sounds like mine. My two older kids, ages 18 and 22 have broken me, I give up. I just want to run away but I still have a 15 year old that is still pretty sweet and an amazing husband. If it weren't for them I would have left. I can easily see now why some parents just abandon their children. I no longer judge those parents I now feel for them. Thanks for your post and good luck.
My son told me that my husband, who beat me, cheated on me, drinks, and we are now separated, are both "eff ups". He will not discuss this with me. Won't tell me why. He's been a "blamer" kid all his life. Nothing was his fault. He felt he didn't need to mow the lawn or help around the home. I feel his father has talked to him and lied about me and he is believing everything. Basically, I'm dying inside but, on the other hand, I want to tell him to just get lost or get over it. I am who I am, I am not an eff up and if that's what he thinks and he won't talk to me, what else can I do? It hurts me every day. But, I don't know why he thinks this of me. He knows I am hurting and that I would never do this to him. I really just want to write him off. Until he comes to me and apologizes. I'm not going to beg anymore for him to talk to me. He tried to turn it around saying I owe him an apology for how I've treated him, "WHAT"? No idea what he's talking about. I gave my life to him and his brother. They are both very successful. My other son (fraternal twin) is just fine with me. We talk through text, several times a day. I don't have many friends since husband cheated on me and beat me so losing a son totally crushes me, but I feel leaving him alone to be the smartest thing for me to do. Let him be. He ignores my texts to talk, although we agreed that talking would be good. So at this point, I feel like I'm being a fool. I'm going to just wait for him to see the light (truth) and grow up I guess. I've immaturely blocked his text messages and phone calls last night. I've been waiting for a response from him for weeks. I'm done. Am I being too harsh? I want him to know, I'm not playing games and he is not in control of me and I haven't been sitting by the phone desperately waiting for him to talk to me. I'm at a loss. Would any of you have idea's for me? I would love some feedback as this is all new territory and like I said, I just don't even know how to respond to this behavior. I would NEVER tell my parent's I thought they were "eff ups", even if I felt it. Which I did many a time's, but never said it. No WAY! I mean, we are all human and humans make mistakes. At the very least, he could tell me why he feels this way towards me but that is too much for him to do. Comments welcome!
You need to walk far away from him and keep a good amount of distance away.
I just read your comment aka letter pleading for help.
I was you for years and most of your letter you wrote was me! Today I decided to get a voice an fight back. The explosion happened a month ago with me....same thing name calling, I hate you, your not my mother and etc etc. I am a pain in the *** to my son, never did a blessed thing for him and cause his father to beat me litterly. It was all my fault his daddy was a drunk.
my son will never, and I say never talk to me again the way he did driving 70 mph up a turnpike and threating to take us both out. I will never get into his vehicle ever again, and I could care less if I ever speak to him again unless he gets some serious medical help.
You can love your son from a distance.......but you do not have to like him.
Abuse is abuse and I took that from his father of 16 years and there will not be one more day I will take this from my son....he is a grown adult of 46 and if he needs an excuse for the way his life turned out he can blame me until the cows come home. He try's to contact me, but I have blocked him out of my cell phone.
So lady you need to grow a few and remember when you enable abuse, you deserve what they give you. Stand up for your self and best wishes.
I do not feel anything anymore for my son......he destroyed the last bit of hope I will ever give him.......he can find another way to be self Blamning......you see when you had enough the guilt does not set in. He has done this to me for the last ten years, and each time the explosion gets worse and worse. I think he is reall bipolar and Austic. I never had him tested. But that is not excuse to crush a mothers love. He did this to himself and like you at 70 mph I begged God to take me just so he would shut up and stop the CHUCKIE head and eyes rolling. I was scared very scared, and God was the only thing I was seeing at the time. Somehow I got home safely and I swore that episode will never be repeated. This time I had enough of the rants over why I was a bad mother....might I say I have 2 other sons that love me so much, and would not ever say or do these things like he has to me. I was a very bad person for thinking he would never treat me like this ever again and forgave him many times. Well I have forgiven him this Time also, but there is a difference, I have cut him loose to go find another way to vent. He is still my son.........just from a very far distance.
I hope you see the light before it's to late.
I know exactly how you'all feel , as it is far different than how we would have ever treated our parents. However, I have 2 out of 3 that are not like that and are very loving. So it makes you wonder , doesn't it?
Lots of stories, but not a sign of a solution or an experience where something worked positively...so sad as I have a 28 year old son that lives with me, but doesn't trust me. I had to borrow some money from him..actually he offered it to me...after falling on hard times myself. He earns above average money and is a high-flyer. I am paying the money I owe him back. I owe around 10% of the original sum and have never given him cause to think I would screw him over yet he tells me time and again that he doesn't trust me for the money I still owe...I don't get how he thinks. I don't get how he can be so rude, so insulting, so mistrusting. I have lived my life for him and his sister...put my last penny in to his education and his success, which I helped create, is being thrown back in may face...if it wasn't for my beautiful daughter I would really call it a day...I hate life...I hate living...no solutions from me either I am afraid...maybe there just aren't any answers!
Kick him out and let him move in with his friends, and see how long that last. We as parents give our kids too much! I just told my son if anything ever happens to me, he'll see how many people love and care for him then.. Staying on my knees and praying that my son becomes a great man of God.. He's 14 years old..
I have had a hard time with my son when he turned 14, at that point he hated me for every reason, except to get him out of trouble, my wife and I both worked hard to keep him in a privet school,in his last 2 years he would skip school try to stay in bed and even wanted to quit in his last year I forced him to finish, he got a good part time job during his last year, the company,was even going to help with his collage, he quit work and decided he would sleep all day and work at security at night, I gave him an option to either join the service or go back to his good job or get into a collage or last result be out of the house in 2 weeks, he joined the milt. and life was good, but he was **** poor with his money, helped him out numerous times , then he gets married again we are happy but he gets throne out of the milt. for drug use again I intervened so no prison time, today his wife is due with a second child and he constantly lies to me and tells me i don't support him, and he is afraid to leave my grandson with me unsupervised because he is sure I wont follow all his rule in dealing with the child,all because i gave some nuts to my daughters dog that i helped raise, and she told me not to, he also told me what a miserable dad I am because when he brought friends over they would call for advice, he said that he is my son and I should only support him, I Am at my wits end and don't know what to do.?
People, people! Get a hold of yourselves. We live in a world of Internet. So easy to connect and vent and blame and display ourselves. It's pathetic. When the 55 y.o. and older were born, we didn't have Internet. We had discretion, Common Courtesy, Common Decency. We fought for ourselves and for what was right. Can't expect kids to do that when the TV or Internet news gives us no hope. My son became an arrogant piece of work when he became 18. I then stopped giving him things and told him to fend for himself. He wanted things or money from me. I gave him chores to earn money; told him to go to school to get a salary. That's the game of life. He hung out with the wrong crowd, went to a two year school for 7 years, and pissed away his savings. The chip on his shoulder became bigger and so did his "friends list" on Facebook. He bad mouthed me and I told him to connect to one of his 400+ "friends" to move in with them. He calmed down for a while until the next time. I'm a single mother, who plays father, sister, brother, friend and know when to put on each hat. Don't forget your own needs mothers. Like retirement, friendship, interests and more. That's the game of life. He met a girl four years older than him at 22 years old. She's another piece of work. Her clock was ticking to the sounds of old maid who wants a family. I said let him find himself and to grow out of childhood first. Noooo. At 23, my son became a father. I blew my stack. They married this year. I kicked him out and said now society and the game of life will help you grow up. My grandson is a cute 2 years old but now the boy and his father is the mother's problem, not mine. I'm saving for retirement, looking forward to spending my money on travel, and I returned to school. Live life! hhahahahahahah
This is an old thread. And the subject matter is so sad to me as a mother. Luck to all.
I am a 32 yo male. I am not married and don't have kids. I'm writing this because I am that ****** ungrateful kid that every parent on this thread is talking about. I have stopped communicating with my mother. My dad is dead, but I don't really care because he wasn't much of a father to begin with. I'm not quite as bad as some of the other children described on here, but I though I'd put my two cents in. I don't believe in blaming your parents for everything going wrong in your life, and I do believe that kids at some point should take responsibility for their lives. That being said, I also believe that parents have an obligation to ensure that their “young” children are on a right path early in life that won't lead to a dysfunctional, depressed, and maladjusted adult. So here are my thoughts:
1) In a lot of these posts I'm reading about kids that are abusing drugs or alcohol. I know I'm not a good son, but I've never abused any drugs or alcohol. Never been much of a drug user. What events in your child's life led to substance abuse? Were you aware of this and chose to take no action? Or did you chose to be blissfully ignorant on obvious signs? How involved were you in your child's upbringing? Did you have a relaxed attitude to drug use? I ask these questions because I feel that a child who becomes a drug user early in life is a reflection of the type of parent, or more specifically “parenting” you chose to exercise. I luckily never got hooked on that stuff but not because of any involvement from my mother. I just wasn't dumb enough to fall into that. I often characterized my mother's style of parenting like that of raising a cat. She ensured that we had food, water, and a roof over our heads ...but that was it. She wasn't really interested in anything more than that. Don't get me wrong, feeding and sheltering your kids is very important, but those are the basics. Not providing that would make you a bad parent, but just because you do provide that doesn’t mean you're the greatest mother in the universe either. Christ, even hyenas take care after their young, that doesn't make you a unique parent. A little more effort needs to be put into raising your child, in terms of molding their minds and TEACHING life lessons. My mother wasn't into that. Rather she pushed me off to Boy Scouts hoping the other adults would. She attended the first few outings but then slowly pulled out. My mother isn't a bad person, I know she isn't. I know she loves me, and I love her. I'm just infuriated with her complete laziness, indifference, and blase attitude towards parenting. I later in life developed depression which I smartly kept a secret from everyone. Not surprisingly it did not help the situation. At the age of 24, I called my mother on the phone to confess about my depression, to which her answer was “okay, see a doctor and he'll provide some antidepressants”. That was it, no other questions popped up. No further inquiry as to WHY I was depressed. It was not spoken of again until a few months later when I was visiting from college. She brought it up in passing, I put on a brave face and said “oh yeah, that was nothing. I'm fine now”. She bought it immediately and the conversation shifted. Mind you, this entire time I wasn't on antidepressants. More time passes and things get worse. My attitude becomes moody and my mother encourages me to go on antidepressants. I go to my doctor and he prescribes me some pills. I inform my mother I'm on them. My mother now knows that I am depressed, and that I am currently taking antidepressants to curb my behavior. She still never asked “Hey son, why are you depressed?” or “What's on your mind? What's causing you to feel so sad?”. Her explanation that she TOLD ME (because she's a secret neurologist by night, and she clearly doesn’t need to hear from my side what's going on in my life) ...she says “you just have a chemical brain imbalance”. Not once did my mother think to ask what was going on in my life that might have led to this. She was never even curious. She cooked up this idea that I had some silly little mind fart, and all would be solved with pills, and she believed it. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism for some people, but what parents need to understand is that denial only benefits you, the person in denial, not your children. They still suffer.
2) I also notice some mothers mention their drug using, lazy, abusive, deadbeat husbands. My dad wasn't much better. He wasn't abusive or a drug user, but definitely a lazy deadbeat who cheated, didn't have a job, brought no money in, and was mostly absent from me and my sister's life. Here's my question to every mother with this type of husband. Why did you marry this guy?!? I asked my mother this all the time and she always gave me the most stupid and irresponsible answer ever. She says “all my friends were getting married at the time, so it seemed like a good idea”. She openly admits to never loving him, yet she haphazardly decides to marry this moron she barely knew and pop out two kids. What an idiot. Both my parents are idiots. My mother would defend herself by saying “if I hadn't done that, you wouldn't be born”. That is a ******** answer, and you know why? Simple, would you ever wish that upon your children? Would you ever encourage your children to make the same dumb choices? If the answer is no, then own up to the fact that you made mistake. Don't hide your stupidity behind the fact that it led to the creation of your kids. That doesn't make it okay. At the very least YOU, the parent, the adult, should be LEARING from your mistakes and attempting to teach your kids not to follow in your own stupid footprints.
I have to break this into two messages because of a word limit. See next message...
continued from previous...
3) Lastly, I sense that some parents may be exaggerating some horrible details about their kids. Around the time I turned 30 was when I started to pull away from my mother. She made it very clear she was either uninterested or incapable of helping with my depression. So I took that as a sign that I'm on my own. I showed less interest in spending time with her because lets face it, what did I have to gain? Spending time with my mother was much more valuable to her than it was to me. It's not like I could talk about my problems and expect her to give a crap and say something profoundly insightful. My mother relished in our quality time because it meant that she could spend 90% of the time talking about herself. She would occasionally throw a generic “How are things going?”, I'd reply a curt “...good”, and then the conversation would shift quickly back on her. I can read your mind right now ...well you did tell her “good” didn't you? What more do you want? Again, my mother is aware of my depression, she is aware I'm being medicated for depression, and my mood had degenerated to the point that she encouraged me to take pills. All three of those are huge red flags. Feel free to assume that when I say “good” that I'm just trying to be polite and trying not to open the flood gates with the generic opening question “How'ya doin?”. If she would haven taken the energy to have a follow up question like “Are you still depressed?” or “Are you feeling any happier?” or heaven forbid the dreaded “Why are you so sad son?”, I would have gladly unburdened my woes on her. But deep down inside I believe that was exactly what she secretly wanted to avoid. Long story short, I started to drastically reduce communication with her. She eventually starts confronting me about it. To my surprise though I discover that my mom has remembered history much differently than me! She even complains to my sister who relays this information back to me, and my thinking in my head is “are we talking about the same events?”. For example, my mother told my sister that I had slammed the door on her exiting the car. That was a blatant lie. We were in the car, she was dropping me off somewhere because mine was in the shop. She wanted to pass the time by talking about a bunch of trivial and unimportant things going on in her life. I was still pretty pissed about everything that was going on for the past couple of years and her refusal to acknowledge it, so I remained quiet. She picked up on this and apparently it upset her. Of course she said nothing about this on the drive, why would she start being inquisitive now? As I exited the car I said “thanks mom” and closed the door, NOT slammed. Was I acting like a petulant little **** inside the car? Yes, that was the point. The intent was to get her gears moving in her head so that one day she would hopefully get off her *** and start acting like the parent I wanted her to be 7 years ago. So yes, I was deliberately being moody, however, I didn't slam the door. That was a fabrication from my mother because she felt hostility from me, in which she constructed this story of her horrible son being snide and cruel to her, ending it with a dramatic door slam. Give me a break. I remained silent the entire drive to the destination, I even answered her questions with a short response. When we arrived, I said “thanks mom” and closed the door like a normal person. Moody? Yes. Slamming the door in rage? No. Again, her mode of thought is denial. It's easier to think that I'm some ungrateful jerk and that she's the victim, rather than to take the time to reflect on herself.
Again, I don't believe in blaming your parents to the end of eternity all of the bad things going on in their life, but we can't deny the fact that our lives start with you, the “adult” parent. You don't necessarily have to be a bad person to raise dysfunctional child, but bad parenting does.
Hi there, this is a very old post. The original poster is no longer on the forum. good luck
Welcome to Medhelp. Please post a question yourself, telling your story, and asking for advice on the Relationship Community. Regulars won't comment on older posts because it sends the current posts out of range. Good Luck and Hang in Thee. Hope to see your own Post. Liz
How well I know your pain honey, and I've endured it for 4 years. My son is 23, we all moved to SC on coast, and he's worked with police thru school, did awesome, and loved it!! Well, he'd never met his birth father, name's NOT on certificate, and son has My last name!! One night I got a text from him it read, "Thanks for never letting me meet my dad, he's Dead now!" I just came unglued!!! I suffer from bipolar, and I'm on meds, like you I have NO insurance, so excellent therapy is out! :( It's a curse, but I don't regret any decisions!
He's got 5 half sisters in Kentucky (western) which is where I grew up. At 17, he began visiting them, so I figured if he wanted to meet him, then he'd a had them help or I would think!! Not to mention he was never a "dad" to them either!! I was trying a new SSRI to go with Lithium, major Mess!! And my son saw it ALL, I was rapid cycling, so up then crying/upset etc...HEll. He texted later that he forgives me" however, he comes over (he's 2 hrs away in Charleston!! But he still ignores me. I'm studying to be child psychologist, yet I can't solve OUR problem!! :(
I have been suicidal 4 times, as you said, I begged God to kill me! I know we've gotta change what we do now, it has not worked!!! So, that's what I'm seeking, info on how to change behavior. You're not alone, and it *****! Starting to research how to deal with this age, he's not in the home, so discipline; is not gonna work! I'm 4'11, he's 6'1 and knows he can intimidate me, but he's not violent at all! He's successful, he's SEEN how drug dealers are!! His B. father had over $9 grand cash on him, split among kids, he refused it!! See? I think that he's blaming other stuff on me. My parents helped me raise him, they're amazing! And, I struggle every day about my faith, do you??! I have HAD IT!!! And I'm ready to find answers! Prayers for you sweetie, God bless!!
i am 61 yrs old have ms been hurt by 2 husbands , so had my heart broken , i fell in love with a younger man he is 39, my son hates me not allowed to see my graddaughters , i have done my best for him i feel now very very hurt he never came to visit me or let me have the girls , what do you think his problem is please help
I haven't seen my son in 28 months. He moved in with his dad when he was 14 (he just turned 17 now). My husband and I have been married since my son was 5 and my husband adores and loves him so much. We tried to be the best parents we could and I know we didn't do everything right but we tried our best. We don't know what went wrong. My ex really doesn't seem to care that he has no contact with us. I feel alienated and my heart is broken I think so much time has passed that he will never want to see us again.
This is me exactly! I so wish I never had kids. My 2 adult sons, 33 & 26 treat me like ****, call me names (the c word even) and say hurtful things. I no longer want to be a part of there lives. I am stressed to the max with my ailing mother and they are nothing but hateful towards me. I just want peace.
Hi, I'm sorry to hear this. That is heartbreaking for a mother. I always wonder how it gets to this point. Our children calling us the C word?
I know this hurts and hurt often looks like anger. I will hope for healing for your relationship with your boys. peace
My 28 year old son has just gone back to his flat after visiting us for Christmas. Why he came I don't know. He seems so angry with me, all the time, but he is pleasant (if taciturn) with his younger brother and his father. He told me to shut up and called me an idiot this visit, and shouted at me. I didn't respond, but obviously I must be doing something really bad to deserve this treatment. Before he came I'd been meditating regularly and listening to self-help audio files to help me cope. Why on earth should it be so hard? I know I'm not perfect, but I have loved him and helped him all his life. I have never put him down. I show an interest in his life, but I get nothing back. Thank you everyone for sharing. It helps. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions; sadness, hurt, fury. Very best wishes to every mother in this position. It's horrible.
that is exactly how I feel
This thread has picked up steam again.
For those who are mystified about why their adult sons hate them, why don't you just ask? Sometimes adult children can feel entitled and have a bizarre sense of being wronged in childhood, but sometimes they have a legitimate beef.
I have an acquaintance whose 2 adult young are estranged, and she always says "other people like us, it's a mystery why our sons don't". Well I could tell her PLENTY about why her sons don't like them, it's because they were harsh and unforgiving parents. I personally like her because she's interesting and certainly has no power to be harsh with me.
So. If you have a son who hates you, ask in a sincere way why. And then be prepared to sit quietly and listen and not argue.
Ok so what if you son gets mad at you for nothing?
His new girlfriend or should I say fiance now is very controlling. My son never had anger issues but did deal with depression before he met her. Since they have moved in together he is falling apart. He says he is getting stronger but I don't see it. He has always been a very headstrong person. I try very hard not to give advice on his situation other than to listen and tell him how he should feel about things, Like he asked if he should leave his girlfriend once. He felt she was overbearing. I agreed but told him that he needed to look in his heart. I could not tell him to go or stay. But sometimes people behave in damaging ways and he needs to examine his relationship and decide if he thinks it might get better and he is willing to stick it out or if it is time to cut his losses.
At this point he called her dad and had her packed up and out. Somehow she got him to let her stay. She is very manipulative. I didn't see it at first but once she got into a fight with my son over a blanket he had in his house that he could have slept under with his ex-wife. It was a blanket my mother had made for him so after he divorced he didn't get rid of it he liked it, not to mention he needed it.
Now all of a sudden he talks bad about my family and me. Something he never used to do.
He came over one night after a situation with his ex-wife. The story I got from her was very different from what I got from my son and his fiance. What I got from my son and his fiance was very embellished. His ex-wife said she got kicked out of her house and her boyfriend kept the children. She called the sheriff and got my granddaughter and since she was going to be in her car for a few days she asked my son to come get their daughter.
What they told me was that he had to get the sheriff and get his daughter and that he had to deal with the whole thing himself. According to his ex she merely told him what was going on and asked him to come get her.
I texted him after I had time to take it in and this is what I sent:
Son, I am so proud of the man you have become. I am in awe of how you helped (Your ex-wife) and still manage to love our Miss(his current girlfriend). You truly are an extraordinary man.
He called me and yelled at me saying I didn't know what I was talking about, that I was drunk and that I had no right saying that he helped his ex wife I should have said he helped his daughter. Why did I want him back with his ex-wife?
I got angry and told him not to talk to me like that I had said nothing wrong. If he didn't like what I had to say then he shouldn't tell me anymore. I explained that he had no right telling me how to speak or what to say. If his fiance didn't like it too bad! I didn't want to hear it.
Two days later when I was supposed to watch my granddaughter with out calling or telling me they stopped bringing my granddaughter to me to take care of.
Shortly after this at the beginning of December they came over and my son and I had already talked about what he was getting my granddaughter for Christmas. He was getting her a kitchen. So I went online and found patterns to crochet for play food and pots and pans, dishes etc. He had his daughter and fiance. I called him over to show hi and didn't call her over. She was sitting with my mom who was visiting for the first time in five years since my granddaughter was born and my granddaughter.
He was amazed at the work I had put in. He called her over and said honey we are going to have to get her the kitchen after all. Look at all my mom's hard work. She was visibly upset when she got here and now she was angrier. I was excited and secretly showed her everything too so my Granddaughter who was near by would see.
The next morning I get a call from my son asking if they could come over. I said I was leaving for the DMV but they could wen I got home. No sooner had I hung up the phone they were at the door. I invited them in even though I was leaving. He said we needed to talk about my behavior. I was secretive toward his fiance last night and ignoring her.
I couldn't believe my ears. The evening had been all about my granddaughter her Christmas Presents and meeting her Great Grandmother,but he was mad at me because he said I ignored his fiance!
Then she started yelling at me telling me I wasn't going to disrespect her marriage. That's when I got angry and told her she wasn't even married yet so what was she talking about. My mom tried to intervene because they were yelling at me and she began yelling at my mom! A woman she met the night before.I couldn't believe he was allowing her to disrespect me and my mom in my home so I kicked her out,
She yelled in my front yard that my marriage was crap and my children hated me.
I saw red flags early but ignored them. She would call in sick to work to stay with my granddaughter and not tell me she was bringing her. She would say she asked if she wanted to come but my granddaughter would tell her no. That has never happened before. Even after her first day back with her mom she came over and wanted to stay and spends the night. My son bought her a wedding ring and she started wearing it before they were even married. She writes down that she is my granddaughters step mother on her school paperwork. She is constantly telling my son your mother hates me. My granddaughter who adores her dad is now saying he is mean because he yells at his fiance. She has never called her dad mean before.
I let her and my son know that my son and daughter will be allowed in my home but not to bring her with him. I know this doesn't make for very good relations but I don't allow my children to talk to me like that, I certainly will not allow it from her.
I am having a hard time seeing what I did wrong.
It's very hard to tell a whole situation from an internet post, because there is no real context there.
There are some clues. I do agree that this young woman is off-base yelling at your mother, and yelling in your yard that your married is (was?) crap and your kids hate you. Normal young women, in that situation, would just swallow that and not yell it in someone's yard. So she is quite melodramatic.
I do pick up some things, though, in your post that do strike me as maybe you are overstepping, without meaning to. Listening to the ex-wife's story about the sheriff, and your son's version, and comparing the two versions may be getting too much in their business. I don't know what all the history was with that text about how proud you are of your son, but he was REALLY mad to call you and yell at you - indicating there's some history there of trying to get the two of them back together.
They're both SO angry at you at this point, that it's really worth listening to, IMHO. Just ask, and just listen. Don't argue, don't correct, just listen.
tired of being selfless - I'm really glad I read your entire post. It was very illuminating, when I see a problem with a mother and son like yours, where your mother seems to be struggling to understand why you are so rejecting and cruel to her.
And somehow, you seem to give your dad a pass. Don't quite get that, when he was the absent/abusive one and she was there trying to make the best of things.
Here's what I think you're doing. I think basically you are chemically depressed, and angry, and you share personality traits with your father and have a bit of a hard time coping. You look at your life, and you try to find a "cause" for this unhappiness, and the closest thing you can find for an answer is your mother picked a loser to marry, and in her quest to find you appropriate male role models she took you to boyscouts. And then, when you expressed your depression she didn't pry when you seemed unwilling to give her details.
This is similar to a situation where your hand was hurting, and when you look at your hand all you can really find is a small welt from an insect bite, so you think that's the cause. When in fact you might have a torn muscle or who knows. You just look, and decide it's the insect bite.
I really think you should spend some time examining what is causing your anger and sadness.
People aren't chronically angry and depressed "about" something, just as people aren't chronically happy and excited "about" something. People are either in general happy, or in general unhappy.
And reading though your post, which is honest and detailed, I come to see you in some of the young adult sons of my friends and relatives who seem enraged at their moms and it's a mystery. Because I don't see what you're so mad at your mom about, either.
The answer is simple stop loving him my mom chose a man over me that man abused me while I was a child physical abuse she knew about it did nothing now I'm 26 I hate my mom and she hates me perfect relationship in my eyes live your life and forget the negatives your 47 look for a boyfriend
Give him space and time and I believe he will come around. In the meantime live your life for you. Life is short good luck to you I hope you find what you're looking for. I will pray for you your son and granddaughter
If he is 24 then he needs to support himself. Give him 6 months to stop all this abuse. Ifvhe doesnt then calmly tell him to leave.and stick to it.
I'm in the same boat. My only son and I have always been close.l was going to help take care of his first baby. I went there and all of a sudden, he turned on me. Overnight, he hates me. But won't say why.
Yes, his dad and I were always supportive, probably even coddled a bit him as a child. No new cars and freeloading though. We had high expectations...
..I now know better than to talk politics with him even though I get it in both ears from him and his wife. I said one thing a bit too political and he yells viciously. " Mom, What the f--- do you even care for. You'll be dead soon anyway." That hurt. ....Anyway he is acting like a prick.
Mean......And I've always helped with anything financially. He has zero student loans. 10G for wedding, Down payment for home, half of car, ten G for child's 529 plan, and on and on. Always generous and thoughtful.......never wanted anything back.....In fact this, (Is it an argument?) began a few days after I arrived.I asked him if we could go have a cup of coffee and talk a bit. After all, I came 3000 miles to see him. He says what do you want? You got my wife and daughter to talk to. When I mentioned we hadn't talked in person for over a year, he lost his cool.
Actually I'm wondering. If he is getting some kind of mental illness? I asked him to go to therapy. But he will only agree to "Skype Therapy" through a computer screen. Heck, I'll try it. Thought there was a lot of love between us. But now I don't think I could ever trust him again.
And the worse part is the pain I'm enduring. I was not prepared to be stabbed in the heart.It's been 3 months and I can still barely move. I've been shaking, barfing, and gut level crying. It's killing me. It's like his gentle soul is transformed into something strange. I just wish I could find peace and get back to life before I lose my husband. Or my life.
I must admit, I removed him from my trust this week. He does not deserve a huge amount.I have to have something coming back, from him, like love and respect.
Does your husband have any input on what the problem might be? I think sincerely, when people say "I have absolutely no idea what the problem was", they really do know.
I'm curious what political views you were espousing that caused him to explode. I'm not asking you to state them - that would cause a distraction in the thread - but there are political views that would make me want to tell someone to shut the F up too.
You can do that. You can even apologize. But if your son REFUSES to forgive, and prefers to hold on to his bitterness, and to take no responsibility for who he IS and who he CHOOSES to be TODAY----then what is left for you to do?
"She wanted to pass the time by talking about a bunch of trivial and unimportant things going on in her life."
"trivial and unimportant".
Yet---isn't that how YOU just got through saying SHE saw and treated YOU---as "trivial and unimportant"?
It just goes to show the PROOF of something I heard long ago: "You who judge another ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS."
I hear a lot of self-pity in your post---"I'm this way because my mother did so-and-so."
Well, you know what? She isn't Hermione Granger and doesn't own a Time-Turner. She can't go back and "re-do" the past.
Neither can you.
It's the only cure for bitterness---and bitterness is a poison. Stop feeding it to yourself.
CALL a church pastor. Tell him you are a victim of "elder abuse." (and that IS what this is). Ask him to help you locate the proper authorities, or to put you in touch with a lawyer at his church. They can help put you in touch with the right people. Please do so. Your life is in danger.
I am a new member, and went looking tonight on the net under search terms "Why does my son hate me?" and found this group.
First I want to say "Thank You" to all of you for being brave enough to share your stories. It has given me hope just knowing I'm not alone.
Second, in reading over these posts, I begin to see some common "themes" in cases where sons (who I always heard, when he was born, would always love and be there for their moms) end up hating their mothers.
One common theme seems to be turmoil while growing up--mostly from disrupted or abusive marriages, or the presence of drug / alcohol abuse, or severe financial hardship.
Another common theme seems to be the mother neglecting her sons to give more attention to her husband / boyfriend, her own interests, or her own pleasures.
The last theme I see is that of boys for whom their mothers sacrificed themselves---"I gave him everything"; "I did everything for him<" "I did all I could for him to be successful"---and young men who respond to that sacrifice with contempt, which develops into total disrespect. Coupled with the self-sacrifice are often comments about "we gave him whatever he wanted" and / or "we spoiled him."
I think I fall into the last category, and a little of the second.
I have three sons, one special-needs, one a struggling learner, and then my very bright, very capable middle son---who spends as little time with us his parents as possible (about 15 minutes a day at suppertime), spends literally every waking moment that he isn't working on his schoolwork (college) on the internet (FB, emails, games, etc.), and hasn't worked since he quit his part-time job at a drugstore in December (a job I helped him get, though my friendship with the pharmacist) because of a "sure-thing" job with a friend's father in computing--a job that never materialized. He simply sits all day long---in his car driving to school, in his desk at school, or in his chair in his room on that computer.
I always felt a little sorry for him because of his having an older special-needs brother and the extra strain that put on our family and the extra time it took me away from the other two boys. My youngest understood, but my second-born never accepted it. He was always resentful of his older brother's disability, then of the attention he got when it became obvious he was greatly gifted in music. In about 4th grade, he started cheating in school, not doing homework, having to repeat grades. I kept trying to coddle him (a word used often here) and "make up" to him for the "hard life" he was having to experience, by trying to make sure I watched for and then supported to the max ANY area in which he showed great interest or ability---so he would feel as "appreciated" and noticed as his older brother. When he fell in love with Legos, we bought him all the Legos he wanted and encouraged him to build---developing creativity, right? When he loved Medieval knights, we looking into fencing classes (too expensive) and jobs working at Medieval Times. When he wanted to try music, we bought him a trumpet, paid for lessons, and I even started a children’s community band so he’d have a group to play in nearby. When he fell in love with acting, we put him in a private fine arts academy where I worked as a janitor to pay part of the tuition (along with his youngest brother, who volunteered to help so I wouldn’t work too hard).
But his greatest downfall has been computer games. I curse the day I disobeyed my own rule and ever let him start playing online games---that opened the floodgates to what, today, is full-on addiction to the internet and computer games. It was somewhat better when he was working--then he didn't have enough time to be on it constantly; but now as I said that's all he does.
And he blames me--as many of you said your sons do--for every single problem in his life. It's my fault he's depressed, my fault he has a bad self-image, my fault he can't stand to be around me (yet he can never seem to explain "why" he can't stand to be around me---though I've asked repeatedly and all he ever says is "I've tried to tell you already--what's the use?"--when in truth he has NOT told me at all, though I've begged with tears for him to tell me what I've done wrong so I can ask forgiveness. So I've had to "guess" what it might be---spending too much time taking care of his special-needs brother? Being distracted by the turmoil in our home life when his dad got repeatedly laid off (5-6 times in 25 years)? Being stressed by my own health problems (3 serious surgeries---two on my eyes to prevent blindness) during his childhood / teen years? Financial stress? Family stress (we had problems with my husband's family)? For all of these, and more, that I thought "might" have made him feel I didn't give him enough time and attention, I've asked forgiveness, even though I had no control over any of them and had to deal with the cards I was dealt. Yet---still, no forgiveness---only bitterness, abuse, and rejection.
Now, he's a young man (20) living in our home. He will not work (though he does go to college). We've told him we'll pay for his college in exchange for him paying "rent" in the form of helping out with chores as we ask and being available to help us with our needs, and in showing respect and courtesy (note we didn't even say "love") to us. But even that, he can't do. He wants to go and come in our home without any regard for us, our needs, or our schedules. The car he uses is in our name but he (until recently) drove it recklessly and if he has a wreck (and doesn't, God forbid, hurt himself) but hurts someone else, we would be liable--yet he can't afford to have a car in his own name because he has no job. He takes our electricity to run his computer, our internet service we pay for to play his games, our food, our shelter, the clothes we bought him, the bed we gave him to sleep in, the many personal items in his room we gifted to him over the years, the money for his college tuition, his cell phone, and a car he drives to school but which will be "his" car once he graduates--he takes all this with no complaint (but also no thanks) from us----but then has a fit if we ask him to do anything; spews out hateful talk, today he told me "screw you", won't spend time with us but is in his room like a hermit all the time, won't even talk to or even LOOK at us, and speaks to us in the most hard, cruel, evil, hate-filled voice I've ever heard.
I see now the truth of TWO things my mother used to tell me:
1. The more you give a child, the less they will appreciate you.
2. The worst thing you can do for a child is feel sorry for them.
I've done both--and I'm reaping the results of what I've sown.
Is there anything I can do now?
I feel like I've lost power over him. If I say, "My house, My rules", I'm scared of what will happen. Will he just argue but keep on doing as he pleases, as he is now? Will he leave and go live with his friends, where I will have no chance of influencing him at all? If I ignore things, they'll only get worse--and this isn't helping him learn responsibility---or ANY sense of appreciation and gratitude toward us or toward God for what he's been GIVEN. If I stop paying for things, I fear he'll take on mounds of college debt--the current slavery most kids are foolishly taking on, and like them will be a slave to that all his life. I'm trying to help him launch, not hold him back--but trying to teach him to be respectful of us while he's doing so (he is VERY respectful to others--it's just US he fights obeying and spews hatefulness when we insist on it) . It's like he's very spoiled, and wants to have his cake and eat it too---be independent while being dependent on us.
Thanks for any advice, for sharing your stories, and for letting me share my own.
I'm so lost as why my sons have disconnected. I'm going to let go. I can't stand it...we used to be close and now they treat me like crap. Glad to know I'm not alone.
I just want to say how sorry i am that you have been through all this abuse. You don't deserve it. I think you son got messed up from watching his father treat you so badly. Who knows maybe he disrespects you because you took the abuse, but i understand the fear. You know we do the best we can at the time. I hear that in you. We have to forgive ourselves and ask God to forgive us. And believe His Word that He does. My son has put me through a lot. I think he hates me too. I think he even destroys his own life to get to me. It is crazy. But I can't live like that any more. I am getting support at my church group. And i do go to a cournselor every couple months. But it is expensive. I guess we can't look to our children to give us our value. Our value comes from God. I have been reading some Max Lucado books, very good author. Maybe get some at the library. So helpful. I will say a prayer for you. If i can help let me know. I too have been through a lot. Trusting Christ is my saving grace. But I still worry at times. But am praying and getting prayer from my church family. I hope you have a good church to go to. We need support. I feel badly for you. I am glad you are not with your abusive husband anymore. Don't give up. God has a plan. Seek Him.
I know you posted this a while ago, --- is it still happening? I am having the exact same problem.
When I was a young teen I made some mistakes. My family has never let me forget, I'm 55 now have 2 grown childern and 3 grandchildren. My kids grew up listening to their grandparents aunt, my aunts and uncles remind me what a terrible person I am. My daughter and I have a great relationship. My son has stolen from me and his mom, lied about me abusing him, blamed me for all of his problems. His girlfriend and mother of his 2 kids (2 of my 3 grandkids, the other is my daughters) recently died. While she was alive it was getting a little better. Now he blames me for her dying won't let me or his mom around his kids. He blames me for his girlfriend dying. Says I'm not fit to see his kids. Yet he always wants money to help with daycare. He cannot manage money, has been to prison admitted to the cops he robbed the store, then blamed me when his lawyer couldn't get him off. I'm sick to my stomach most of b the time, I think about giving up a lot. I'm tired of being the bad guy, tired of being blamed, tired of having my reputation ruined. I want him to be respectful and stop lying. I would love to have a good b relationship with him even though I really don't think it will ever happen.
I'm glad I stumbled into this community and appreciate everyone's sincerity and honesty. I'm 67, mother of a 32 year old son. We are on very rocky ground, especially since Christmas, and particularly since late Mother's Day. We communicate rarely and briefly now. I'm a retired lawyer, raised him alone and he has an alcoholic, angry father with whom he gets along well and spent regular time with always. He has a graduate degree and a great job with a tech company.
Our relationship was extremely fraught from 8th grade straight through until after his graduate degree: almost no time hanging out together, communicating rarely after he went away for college, horribly frosty or harsh 'visits' for Christmas. BTW I've apologized profusely for the unspecified-by-him whatever he doesn't like about me or what I've done or not done.
We have never had classic fights or raised our voices other than briefly a couple of times. He walks away or refuses to listen or 'engage' if I brought something up or whined about how he treated me, by email or in person. Nothing seemed amiss between us to others. He got mad at me often, sneered, was critical, passive aggressive, lied, about money mostly, while I was paying for college. He moved from L.A. grad school to his San Francisco job, and suddenly we had 4 years of nice times, us visiting each other, going out to dinners, hikes, bike rides, and he called often.
The 2015 Christmas visit, bringing his new and first true-love, was yucky for me; I hardly saw them, he was critical, judgmental and rude outside of her presence. Our calls and emails almost vanished, and were fakey. He abruptly invited me out for Mother's Day to their new apartment. With some pleasant times, it was often unpleasant. They left me alone a lot, like suddenly at 6 p.m. saying they were 'going out' for the night, and like girlfriend spending hours in their bedroom, door closed. By Sunday night I realized the accumulated awfulness as we all faked niceness. When he drove me to the airport Monday we had a brief, hostile conversation after I said I felt he was in a tough spot because his mom and the love of his life still hadn't had a conversation after 3 weekends around each other, and that I wouldn't be coming back for awhile til they got more used to their life together, or something.... He said a list of harsh things about me, which he hadn't done before.
Do I sound self-pitying and exaggerating things? I'll see them at a family wedding in several weeks. What do I do now?
Savvyae, what does he say? It seems like he must have said something to indicate what is making him unhappy with you. Whether it's valid or even happened is one thing - but it seems like he must have indicated what makes him distant from you?
In the last several years, is there anyone at all that he has a close, loving relationship with?
I'm really glad I stumbled upon this website, your stories are very much the same. I was a young mother,his father was abusive. I left him when my son was only five. Now my son is resentful after rekindling his relationship with his father 30 years later.
I was always very close with my son. My daughter-in-law is a little bit iffy she totally turned against me and started exposing herself to my boyfriend... I had to back away and protect my son from this activity, I immediately ended my relationship with a boyfriend and tried to talk to my daughter in law. she lied to my son and now he hates me. I haven't been able to see my grandchildren for 5 years. Like these other persons telling their story; the pain is unbearable, I have done myself work for Mind Body Spirit and I feel good about myself and my life.
I have a few supportive friends but they have their own lives.
I am by myself for the holidays I continue to send loving messages and pictures to my son, no response.
So I say enough is enough I remove myself from this pain and go on with my life, and forget that I have a family and maybe someday my granddaughter will contact me.
At times over the years, I felt I have no purpose for life, now I give myself permission to cry... I love me for taking the high road.
My son has become the abusive jerk like his dad.
I dont know. I'm in so much pain. I don't get to see my grandson, either . I gave my son my life and he makes up stories about how miserable he was, growing up. Everything my son says is untrue. I'm so lost.
I am glad I found this website. My relationship with my son has been a roller coaster since he graduated from high school. He blames his father and I for everything that didnt work out for him. He feels that his father didnt show him enough love and support and I was overbearing and smothered him, did too much for him and caused his anger issues. He had a baby while he was in college and we did everything in the world to help him. He resents how close his daughter and I are. He is so angry at the ex-girlfriend (babys mom) for everything. He never lets the past stay in the past. He is just as angry today as he was 8 years ago. He has told me in the past that he is very lucky that he had me to help him thru really bad times in his life. He has acknowledged that he took his anger out on me because he knew I would always love him no matter what. He has acknowledged to my daughter that he has been horrible to me and regrets it. You would think with this insight he would not still treat me like he does. He acts like I am such a bother and burden. If I call him because Im trying to make plans for something, he acts like he cant stand to speak to me. When we are together in a group of people he acts like I turn his stomach. Like he cant stand the sight of me. I have learned that the harder I try, the more annoyed with me he gets. I know Im all over the place with this. But back a few years ago when he was having a hard time and so angry after he blew up and cussed me out and had a fit about something, at least there was times when I could see my little boy in there. Now, things have settled for him. Things are good with his work, with new relationship, his daughter is awesome, you would think he would not still show so much resentment toward me. It hurts more than anything I could ever imagine, the looks or the comments he gives me. He just doesnt like me at all. I have probably ruined my health somewhat. I am an emotional wreck. I worry about everything. A bottle of wine helps me forget how sorry I feel for myself and how much I love and miss my only son. Now, having said all this and after reading other mom's struggles and comments, I know Ive got to start living my life for me and distance myself. I'm not going to have the relationship that I want. Ive got to let him set the boundaries and learn to live within them.
Being from the perspective of being that son who hates his father, I searched 'my son hates me' and looking at the stories here I can see the problem:
No one ever admits the reason their son hates them might be themselves!
I'm seeing tons of "i was the best mother/father I could", erasing any self-critique from the assessment of the situation. If your son hates you, it's more than likely your fault.
- If you treat your son the best you can he might hate you because he will not be ready to live independently once an adult
- If you treat your son like trash he might hate you because you made him believe he's worthless
- If you just don't give much attention he might hate you because you weren't there when he needed most
A son does not simply hate his father/mother for no reason, it takes years of abuse/overprotectiveness/neglect for a son ho hate his parents. If your son all of a sudden starts turning away from you, it's not because he started hating you out of nowhere, it's because he stopped fearing you, therefore doesn't see a reason to please you anymore.
I'll suggest a few things:
- Do self-critique! This is fundamental because you most definitely have a part on this, you need to get informed in behaviour to see anything that could be a result of parenting mistakes;
- Sit and listen with an open mind, and be ready to apologize for any suffering you might have inflicted;
- Do not dump your son into a therapist thinking that will fix the problem. It's probably you who need a therapist not your son;
- Do not assume your son owes you, even if still dependant. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! What your son needs/needed is love and care not a paycheck, using financial aid as an excuse will only make it worse because it will feel like you're trying to buy his love;
Is there any solution to this problem...i know all about having made a lot of mistakes like being over protecting ..trying to provide because the father was absent etc etc what is the sokution if there is any
I had some resentments and I realized my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with and what she knew. I hope your son will realize that someday. You, unfortunately can't change someone's attitude, they have to do it themself. It sounds like you are enabling their behavior wth the money flow, you did stop, however, hich is the first step towards tryng to compensate for the past