My boyfriend has a porn addiction. Need advice.

[parkourgirl014]

My boyfriend is 7 years older than me. When we first started seeing each other i was in senior high and he was in grad school. Despite the difference in age, we were really happy, or so i thought. It was the first time i had been in a sexual relationship. I was very naive, i had done everything he wanted and tried too hard to keep him happy and i thought i was actually making him happy. I had asked him a lot of times if he watched porn, but he swore that since he started seeing me he absolutely refrained from porn, or for that matter, anything that would ruin the relationship and that he cares for me too much and would never ever hurt me. I've been with him for more than 5 years now. At the end of last year i came to know that he spends a lot of time watching porn everyday and he's been lying to me all this time, and when i had confronted him he said it was nothing but when i had persuaded him further to own up to it he yelled at me, told me to shut up and relax. When he wants to have sex, he will force me to do it, but when i want it, he ignores me. He doesn't even pay attention to me when i talk, and he just doesn't take me serious and when i complain about it, he gets mad and tells me that he's very stressed because of work and the last thing he needs is me whining about silly things. I get home a couple of hours later than he does and he spends this time to watch and jerk off to porn everyday. Not just that, when we have sex, he treats me like one of the women in those movies, he calls me by names like w**** or b**** or some such disgusting word. And when we're not having sex, we just don't talk, or i talk and he's right there and not listening, it's more like i'm talking to myself. I'm feeling very lonely and depressed and used.

[louise96]

Get. The. Heck. Out.

[teko]

Uh, not much I can add other than you said this is your first sexual relationship, but let me assure you this is not the kind of relationship that is going to leave you warm and fuzzy for the next 50 years. I am also guessing you have some self image issues yourself or you simply would not be tolerating this at all. Bottom line forced sex is rape any way you want to cut it..... He may be acting out a fantasy with the name calling and type of sex he is having with you and I am getting that this is not something that you are into so, GET OUT!!! You cannot change him but you can change you and your situation.

[mindy1977]

Oh my.  Okay, I have been at least partly in your shoes.  My ex-husband used to have a thing with porn and he too used to force me to have sex although I was not interested in sex with him.  He (like your boyfriend) was not only controlling but violent, so it was easy not to be attracted to him.  I am really concerned about you and the situation you are in.  Nothing you said even hinted to me that he wants to be different, but it SCREAMED at me that he could get worse and I know you probably don't think that's possible, but I've been down that road.
No man is worth what you're going through right now.  I understand that you've been with him a long time, but you don't want to look back on your life and wonder why you didn't get out while you were still young (or like me, before you had any broken bones).  No offense, but the guy sounds like an ***.  He obviously has no idea how to treat a female and that should be a HUGE issue with you, even bigger than the porn.
My best advice would be to cut your losses and move on while your still young and before you lose any more time in a relationship that isn't giving you what you need and (more importantly) what you deserve.  You don't need this guy and he obviously doesn't TRULY care about you.  The foundation of a relationship is trust and honesty and you don't have either one.  I know I probably sound really harsh, but I spent 10 years getting my butt kicked, separated from everyone (he made sure of that) and it kills me when I see women in your position.  If you want to click on my name and send me a note, we could email and talk further if you want.  I wish you the best of luck and I really hope you move on.

[brice1967]

I too would suggest that your problems are far deeper than a porn addiction.  Certainly the porn addiction is no help, but you've got to address the other issues.

The lying, ignoring you, referring to you by negative names, and forcing himself upon you are all too important to not address.  If he is forcing you to have sex, that is at the least a sexual attack and borderline rape.  That is not to be tolerated, ever!

You need to find some help for yourself and move away from this relationship.  There is so much dysfunction, and he seems so controlling.  There are numerous avenues for you to reach out too.  With this, consider finding yourself some personal counseling.  It seems to me that there has been some damage to your self esteem and or self worth.  You need to know that you deserve better, and you shouldnt settle for anything less than the best.

[perch101]

Okay..... the porn is only a small issue compared to other issues in your relationship.

You say he forces you to have sex when you don't want to? You also mention that he calles you degrading names and yells at you, and dosen't listen to you. It's no wonder you are feeling lonely, depressed and used.

Don't you want better for yorself? You are not married and don't have kids with this man who is treating you so disrespectfully..... I really don't understand why you would stay in a relationship like this to be honest.

I'm sorry to put this bluntly, but you talk about being so unhappy with this guy who not only dosen't respect you..... but sounds nasty and controlling.

As for the porn - it's like any addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn) - the only way people can overcome what they are addicted to is if they themselves REALLY want to change - then put in the hard work to make those changes. Unfortunatley the desire to stop needs to come from them, not others.

I guess what I really want to ask you is ...... WHY are you staying in a relationship that is making you so unhappy?