My boyfriend hates my past - has anyone else had this problem?

[p123p456]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 16 months now and he still gets upset about my past. Now, I wasn't a perfect angel before I met him, but I wasn't the worst. He is my first, but I did have a drunken mistake once (no sex) and I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. But we have been dealing with this stuff for 16 months straight. I made the mistake of trying to lie and hide a couple of things in the beginning, but since then he doesn't trust me completely, and he's always questioning me. He has not started feeling better about my past at ALL and I don't know what to do. I try to make him feel better, but he has NO past so it's hard for him. I just get so frustrated sometimes, but then he gets mad at me and says that I'm being selfish and I should have been honest from the beginning. I'm sorry, this is mostly a vent because I can't talk to anyone else! I just feel so helpless sometimes, but the worst part is that I want to put all my bad stuff behind me, and I can't because I'm always trying to help him get over it! That, and he doesn't trust me completely because I have a terrible memory, and combined with the drugs, there have been minor details that have changed, so he feels that gives him the right to constantly questions EVERYTHING I have told him before, and to accuse me of forgetting more and claiming I can remember if I try harder. He doesn't understand that it's near impossible to remember conversations I had sometimes when I was high or drunk. I know it's not an excuse, but I can only remember so much, and the level of details he wants is ridiculous sometimes (like how many times I said a guy was cute, or how many times I said I wanted to make out with someone, or, recently, how many times my ex boyfriend [I've only had one] checked me out when we were dating). I just can't handle it all the time.

I'm sorry, this was NOT a question. But has anyone else EVER had to deal with your past being this much of a problem?

[imanaddict]

I can understand the mistrust from the lies in the beginning of the relationship, but he chose to stay with you regardless and if this relationship is ever going to progress, he's got to let it go. That was the past, you lied to protect him and it's all out in the open now so he can either let the past be the past, or continue to live in turmoil over it. EVERYONE has done things that they aren't proud of. The key is to learn from those mistakes and try your hardest to never repeat them.

[jenkaye21]

Wow, my hubby has been the same way-- at times.  What's ironic is that he was MY first, although I certainly wasn't his.  (He is 8 years older and had a child when we got together, I was 17, he was 25.)
Anyway, if I so much as mention another guy's name, ot talk about a male co-worker, he used to get all jealous and accusatory, as well as accusing me of being much more "experienced" when we got together, which is SO not true.  Finally,  I had to tell him (about 8 years into our marriage(!)) enough is enough, I'm with YOU and only you, you have nothing to worry about, and I don't want to be questioned or accused EVER again.  I think he got it.
Looking back, i think the fact that he had been cheated on in the past (by the mother of his daughter) made him that way, and I can understand it a little more.  But it took him an awful looong time to realize that I am not her.

[specialmom]

I guess I am old.  My  husband doesn't tend to grill me on my past nor I on his.  His sex life was much less interesting to me than his love history to be honest.  My rule of thumb is I don't lie, but I don't offer the info.  And if your boyfriend kept asking you, I'd want to know why.  Is he controlling?  Anyway, I met my husband in my 30's/he was in his 30's.  It is a given that you will have a past of some sort---------  and my thoughts are if you can't handle hearing it, don't ask.  I'd apply that to your boyfriend.  We all have a past and it is how we learn, grow and become who we ultimately are going to be.  No one should guilt us or condemn us or even bug us about where we have been.  So, tell your boyfriend that the deal is---------- your with him now and you want to focus on that.  End of story.  good luck
PS:  be careful tying yourself to someone that needs lots of reassurance.  This can end up being difficult down the road to deal with.  Hopefully you can kind of bring this discussion to a close in a polite way.  Peace

[p123p456]

God, that's awful! I'm sorry for that AND the harrassment from the ex. That must have been tough. But I know how it feels to not have him believe you when you say nothing happened. My bf STILL has doubts that I was a virgin when we met. It's SO frustrating.

[Lola_mama]

I've never really had a guy ask me a ton of questions or excessive specifics about my past, but my ex was VERY controlling, and used to ask me to recite every single detail of what I did w/ every moment of my time that was not spent w/ him, and it was absolutely terrible! He never trusted me no matter how honest I had been from the very start, and regardless of the fact that I had never lied to him or given him any logical reason whatsoever to be suspicious of me. He accused me of cheating anytime I wasn't around him, even when I happened to take a bit longer at the grocery store than he thought was sufficient, even though I had our 1yo daughter w/ me everywhere I went! It was obsurd, and it drove me away from him to the point of leaving him. That experience ended up leading me to behave the same way in my following relationship (the man I've now been w/ for 9yrs and am happily married to today) and nearly resulted in HIM walking out on ME! I think I did it because in all my life, I had never known a man who treated me w/ such love and adoration as this one, and I just couldn't believe it to be true. I also did what your bf does where I constantly asked questions about every little thing he did in his life before me, and found myself obsessing over it as if I had to know all of it, or else I couldn't trust him. I didn't feel worthy of that kind of honest, loving affection from anyone, and expected to be abused and cheated on the same way as my father had done to my mother, so in a way, I was just waiting to catch him doing something similar to that. I even went as far as to hit him on numerous occasions during the first year or so whenever we would get into arguments, because I was sort of "testing" his limits, and was convinced that it was only a matter of time before he'd strike back at me like the other men in my life had always done. To my surprise, that time never came, but it took a year of me doing every immature and reckless thing in my power to make sure I could feel confident that it wouldn't, and before I knew it, my then boyfriend, walked out the door w/ bags in hand, and a tear rolling down his face. It was at that moment as I laid sobbing on the floor, that I realized it was ME who was the insecure an dysfunctional one, and I had to get some help and change myself for the better in order to achieve any kind of normal healthy relationship w/ anyone. Needless to say, that man had a big enough heart to give me the second chance that I didn't deserve after the way I mistreated and abused him, but desperately wanted and was fortunate enough to be offered nonetheless. I guess my point in all this (other than reminiscing on my past and how grateful I am for getting through it!) is that your boyfriend has obviously experienced something in his life that gave him reason to feel suspicious of people's intentions, and feels the need to protect himself from getting hurt, and that is why he is fishing for all the information he can find to make sure you will not hurt him. My suggestion next time he starts throwing these off the wall questions your way, is to ask him, why he keeps torturing himself w/ these conversations, and what he believes he's getting out of them. Ask him if you've somehow given him cause for concern in any of the things you've done since you've been together. Let him know that you're dedicated to him and only him, and that you would never intentionally hurt him because you love and care deeply for him, and that you've moved on from the mistakes you've made, and learned from them. BUT, if he can't find peace w/ your past transgressions, and can't come to grips w/ the fact that you've moved beyond them, he will eventually end up driving you away, and you really don't want that to happen because you truly cherish your relationship w/ him, but don't feel like you can bond w/ him and gain the close and ever-growing relationship w/ him that you want when he is always keeping things stuck in reverse. He needs some encouragement that you are w/ him now and no one else, and that you are committed to loving only him. I would try to make yourself keep that in mind as much as possible, and remind him that he is your everything as often as you can. He'll get over this soon enough bit takes a little time, but w/ some time, he'll grow more confident in your loyalty towards him. Good luck! ; )

[pinkmc]

Oh yes...im 21 married and have a bby girl.. We been together for almost 5 years... I recently found diz picture if diz girl in his phone... he told me he use to kno her and that she was a g go go dancer...ofcourse he had to stop by her job and see her dance and take her a pic of standing in front of our car.. The first thing that went thru my mind had he had cheated on me with that girl...ofcourse he said no no no...Now his trying to bring my past.. He was my first and I only had one bf b4 him..  He doesnt believe me...month after we got married my ex started going to his jobs and telling him I was cheating on him with him that I had sex with so many guys ect..well this harassment lasted for amost one year...so now my husband is trying to say I did do all those thing my ex said...so yeah I now its a different story but I understand how you feel...In my case I cant trust my husband kuz I saw the pic with my own two eyes...