why hang onto a guy who is not sexually attractive to you? You won't change his mind by staying in a relationship with him.
I agree with Lourdes above. Its too late to fix this. ... especially now that you told him that you spoke to your parents. You may have spoken to them and not told him. When you're in a relationship, often you omit certain things if it will hurt your partner, You have to think, "how will he feel if I say this ?"
He told his friends that you were not sexually attractive
You discussed his private matters with your folks
You both have now made the same mistake,
The good news is that you both learn from this. That's what dating is all about. It really does sound like he's lost his virginity and wants to move on.
There no use in you hanging on.
He's angry because you figured out it's his problem and he can't blame it on you anymore. That's why he got mad at you. Again, it's not right, but he got caught and he's lashing out.
He may be sexually attracted to you, matter of fact, I am sure he is, but because he has ED, he can't get it up. So it's a vicious circle you'll continue to go in unless he gets help.
"We are now 8 months together, and my boyfriend started to tell me he wasn't sexual attracted to me. He is to other girls but not to me. At first he said it only once and private (but we still tried to have sex), but now he is saying it on a regular basic and something even if there are people around (and every time we try to have sex, he stops in the middle of foreplay and goes on his phone). He always uses the same excuses: "Sweetie I just don't feel sexual attracted to you, but that isn't important. The fact that I love you is important." I tried several times to talk with him about it but it always ends up embarrassing me or getting me down. I feel like he pushes the blame on me, but every time I ask him what it is that I'm doing wrong, he just says it is his fault."..................
This pretty much sums things up. This has nothing to do with ED (a 20 year old with ED is rare), psych issues or being gay............he isn't into you sexually period. If a guy isn't attracted to you he isn't going to get sexually stimulated. Sounds like he isn't romantically invested. Maybe he was just interested in losing his virginity and now that that's done he is ready to move on to other girls.
Scotchy, I am just wondering what do you want out of this relationship? Sex is out of the question, so that just leaves friendship between you two. If you don't want a friendship with him then why hang onto a guy who is not sexually attractive to you? You won't change his mind by staying in a relationship with him.
I will agree that discussing such private matters with your parents was a bad move. TMI to family or friends is never a good thing in these cases. I would be pretty miffed too if my bf did this to me. It's not the fact that your parents won't tell everyone; it's the fact that the situation is very intimate and sexual in nature. Most people just don't share these situations with their parents. I definitely wouldn't of told him you talked to your parents about this. Now he feels embarrassed and afraid your parents will view him differently now. This won't help his confidence issues at all.
So much has happened here and I just don't see things working out between you two. I think it's best to break things off and move on.
I agree with RockRose
A Man's sexuality is a very delicate subject for many Men, most especially a young Man; most especially an erectile dysfunction. It may be difficult for Him to even discuss it openly with You - but certainly He Would Not Want You To Discuss It With Your Parents !! Nor should You want to (in my opinion).
You might have said "We are having private issues but we are working on it - there's nothing for You (parents) to worry about".
You point out concern for Your own "self confidence", well, this is about His self confidence as well and discussing this with Your Parents does not contribute to His feelings of confidence.
"It's not like my parents are going to tell the whole world about it" but He's probably feeling like You did tell the whole world.
No I talked about the fact what he told me.
His sexual problems are indeed our problem. But when your daughter looks unhappy and she doesn't know what to do, you're parents will see it and ask.
I don't really see what kind of mistake I made there. You have to inform me here about this. I want to listen, because right know I'm walking in the dark.
It's not like my parents are going to tell the whole world about it. I was just very unhappy and I couldn't hide it anymore. I never wanted to hurt him.
drinking-smoking-money has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction in young men, Scotchy. It's a circulation/heart problem usually, or in some cases, severe sexual phobias or something like that.
Just because he doesn't smoke doesn't mean he doesn't have erectile dysfunction. When he goes to enter you, if he's not hard, he has erectile dysfunction. Even gay men can usually maintain an erection during sex with a woman.
I just read your earlier response.
You talked about your boyfriend's sexual problems with your parents?
Don't expect him to be there anymore. That's really over the top, Scotchy. I don't think he'll be back for more.
*talked about it with my parents friends and docter
I didn't mention the problem because it isn't the obvious answer to this problem. I read about it and it hits old people easier than it hits people that are 20 years old. Also the cause of getting this doesn't really respond with him. He does not have a drinking smoke or money problem. He doesn't have much stress or anything. He is still a student who goes out pretty often.
If it was really the case I would have thinked that he wouldn't tell me het gets sexual attracted to other girls. And that his penis would get up by seeing them.
I really wish that would have been the case but I'm not entirely sure
I tried to talk to him the other day face to face. It was a big succes and we talked a lot about it. But then the day after something strange happend.
I told him we had to go slow on this we can't cuddle like we use too after all this. We need some time to build it up again. He needs to get my trust and respect back. What sounds obvious to me.
But after our talk he became furious. He was mad because I didn't discuss this matter immediately with him. (What isn't true) I talked about my problem with my parents and a docter. He said that I made a mess that I didn't have to make. He thinks everyone is mad at him. He thinks it is impossible the get the respect of my parents back after what happend. And that he didn't had to go through all this if I just discuss this with him. I told him several times that I did but that he wouldn't go to the bottom because he didn't want to and that everything he said really brought my self confidence down. He still blames everything on me.
He thinks this is the worse thing I ever did and that I treated him like a slave.
I really don't understand again his logic. I never wantwd to hurt him but I couldn't get through him so I had to discuss this with my parents. And it's normal to still be respectful against my parent. I don't ask the impossible, but I ask something that he has to work for it. Again all the blame is been put on me :'( what do you think. Do you think this is a normal reaction ?
A man's erection is a huge part of his "manliness". That's why he'd blame his loss of erection on her, because he feels like less of a man when he can't keep it up. It's also very embarrassing for him. It's not right, but it's not uncommon at all.
If you have that problem you wouldn't say you are not attracted to your girlfriend.
A person with a personality disorder would blame another person for their own problem. It does sound like he does have a problem with erectile dysfunction, but how cruel he is as a human being to blame you for that. You need a man that couldn't and wouldn't be so cruel. There are lots of good men out there, this one , regardless of why he can't get it up, is no friend of yours. Not because of you, but because of his personality disorder.
Hope this day finds you moving on with your life. I'm glad ot hear that you have friends on whom you can rely. It sounds a bit odd that your best girlfriend is talking to this guy behind your back, and seems so invested in being his friend. I would be leery of this.
I'm really surprised you waited til now to mention he has an erectile disfunction and can't maintain an erection through foreplay.
It seems that's obviously the problem. He wants to be with you, but he doesn't want to make it obvious he can never maintain an erection.
I'm curious - why didn't you mention that earlier? That seems to be a very clear answer.
No never :(
I already read something about it. I also thought it would be that. Problem is he doesn't smoke or money worries.( he still lives with his dad ).
The foreplay goes pretty quickly, I already told him I wish it would go on longer but for some reason he wants to go quickly and whenever he wants to penetrate he stops and says won't work he isn't up.
I do want to believe that that is indeed the problem, but I still am very shocked about the fact that he tells me that he is not attracted to me sexually. If you have that problem you wouldn't say you are not attracted to your girlfriend. Don't you think
well goldenlove has raised a good point..maybe it is exactly that...does he ever smoke?...as that can cause ED ,,,erectile dysfunction...and alcohol can be a major loss of being all stations ready..and standing to attention....if he has money worries or any worries, it can affect him quite adversely.
.during the times that things were going well did you try to cover a reasonable amount of foreplay?...
It is possibly a true observation that some men can talk a good job, but they are actually compensating for inadequacies in other areas.
It sounds to me like he may be suffering from erectile dysfunction. He is all about being sexual until it comes to the deed, then while you two are building up to the act, he withdraws. Maybe he's unable to get it up or keep it up? That doesn't mean he's attracted to other men or even other women. Is he ever able to complete the act?
I have found that when a relationship is 'broken' in some way no amound of mending will fix it. I think I understand that being your first relationship you are afraid of feeling that you have been a failure..well the fact is it is not you that is problem, so you can hold your head up high. I would however learn from this and also learn that unfortunately men do have big ego's which you can work around..and without seeming to be being deceitful or misguided it can be worth investing a little bit more effeort to reduce the amound of emotional fall out that happens when anything ends that with don't want to end. Don't keep this going for the wrong reasons..keep the upper hand..and suggest a break..even though he doesn't want to. then you can have enough space to know how you really feel. The hurtful things he has said...
I would not hate him..but he is not a mature male, and in fact is being quite disrespectful to you. You are far too good for him in fact...But don't tell him all these facts...instead follow your girl friends advice but suggest a break..of more than one week..make him think..but do not be unkind to him...you can even remain friends if that works for a while...but I would stick to your word and do that for at least a month. I think you would be better to release yourself slowly from this relationship...It is not you...I as a male can clearly see that you will only make yourself more upset if you try to get back to those first few months of the relationship. Learn and as considerately as possible extract yourself from any relationship obligations.
I wish you the very best of luck...and look forward to hearing back from you.
He seems very persuasive....make it clear that the break is conditional that if he breaks it then there is no chance of continuing. Be firm but be fair. You will come out the other side feeling better.
No not yet. The idea already crossed my mind several times, but for some reason I'm scared he would get offended and even get embarrassed by his own girlfriend. He has A LOT of self confidence, he won't accept ,something that would bring that down, so easily.
My friends think it is a very silly idea, because we are still very young and it's only been my very first boyfriend. They say that he won't be the one for me so that I shouldn't spend money on the broken parts of our relationship.
My "male" best friend thinks I should quit immediately, that he is not worthy of my patience and my kindness because of all the shame he has done to me.
My "female" best friend thinks otherwise. She want's to give him his last chance. She proposed that I have a good and long talk with him, and that I have to be very direct and frank with him. I should tell him how I feel after he says or do those hurtful things. And tell him that if nothing chances that I would have to be forst to break up with him.
She thinks that he would maybe have a WAKE UP call, if not than the love I feel for him is clearly not the same as his and we should go our seperate ways.
I have read your post and understand that if you love your partner and they seem to love you back, but as a sister or brother would then yes..there does not seem to be a future there, no matter how much that fact hurts you deep down inside, it is better to do as you have done and ask for a break.
You and your future is what is the issue, and see how you feel after a month or two. It takes 66 days to form a habit, as so if you were just going through the motions with him for the sake of keeping the relationship alive, these will be less after that time. Also being close to someone you love, will usually only make you want to be with them more, and so a break will help to see the future more clearly.
At the end of this period you will be in a better place to make a decision..and even though it will probably still hurt for some time...eventually you will get over it all and feel a sense of relief..You are doing the right thing, but I would suggest having a longer break.
I hope it goes as smoothly as possible but don't be afraid to tell him that you would prefer to stay apart after this 1 or 2 month period even if he still wants to stay with you, if that is still how you feel.
On AA's website they have a questionnaire that asks 20 questions and if you get 2 or 3 right, they say you are an "alcoholic" Incidentally, for a person to get well from this condition, they would have to admit to their behavior being off, and willingly going to get help From your words, i can't see this happening. You can do far better than to be this boys' door mat until he moves to a better area code. Please don't waste your life on this guy. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOURSELF. Get rid of Mr. Nutbar and move on. We're her to help you every step of the way.
Here's a list of traits of a certain kind of Narcissist, suffering fromDSM-IV-TR. Your bf has Traits, 2 & 3
1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2) IS PREOCCUPIED WITH FANTASIES OF unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or IDEAL LOVE.
3)Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4) Requires excessive admiration.
5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or AUTOMATIC COMPLIANCE WITH or her EXPECTATIONS.
6) IS INTER-PERSONALLY EXPLOITATIVE takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7) LACKS EMPATHY is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9)SHOWS ARROGANT HAUGHTY BEHAVIOR OR ATTITUDES.
Oops, not "stag" but "stage"..in your life.
This guy sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
A personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy , power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. 's gay for sure.
I have to agree with Turner, who said it first,,that he might be gay.
He may also be judging you compared to women that are able to make a living with their bodies and sell themselves.
I believe that he may be biding his time until someone comes along that has all the traits he's looking for in a permanent partner. In other words, he's not above using you until he finds what he's looking for, whether that be a man or a women.
There were many Red Flags since the beginning of your relationship, that you may have failed to see. because you are "in love" with the idea of being 'in love. At 8 mos in, he put it out there, that you don't satisfy him. Right now you are living in a nightmare of a situation, and you need to WAKE UP!!!!
"I I met this amazing guy at a big festival. It was love at first sight.."
1) Red Flag #1..there is no such thing as "love" at first sight in the real world. You couldn't possibly know if you "loved" him or not by looking at him. Allowing yourself to think this way put you in jeopardy down the toad. I believe that what we feel upon first meeting someone that we like, is lust. We call it love to bring on a air of potential permanence. The problem with that is that it rarely happens unless a lof of different boxes are ticked off. You need time and many different circumstances to happen before you can make a decision that this person you're getting to know, is worth the time and effort you would be putting in.
"This was my very first relationship and I was still a virgin and so was he. Looking at it I was pretty happy because I felt less embarrassed. My very first sex experience wasn't something to call amazing, we had some fun but that was it." etc.
2) Red Flag #2.. he was more "embarrassed" then you about lovemaking. This was your first sign that something was amiss with him. Most guys are not embarrassed at all about having sex.they're are usually very grateful. lol It could bet that this man is excessively shy, has intimacy issues. or performance anxiety.
3) Red Flag #3. he did not provide you with a memory of having a "special" time upon losing your virginity. It was a long time ago for me, but i know that my first boyfriend did go out of his way to make me feel "special" that was the TYPE of man he was. I can look back and be happy i made him my first.
4) Red Flag #4..at 8 mos he's "no longer attracted" That's not the worst part. He tells you this over and over, stops foreplay to use his phone? and tells other people that he's not attracted you. So he may be telling other people because he is Narcissistic and he wants them to know he thinks hes' better than you, or that he's settling for you.
5) Red Flag #5. he says he's attracted to other girls..in the same sentence that he's telling you he's not attracted to you How cruel??
6) Red Flag #6.He tells you what you should expect in a relationship instead of asking you if you want to move on with him if you are not gong to have an intimate life with your partner, and that your partner is going to HUMILIATE and degrade you at every turn.????
How utterly arrogant, This is his Narcissistic behavior coming out, "Sweetie I just don't feel sexual attracted to you, but that isn't important "
7) Red Flag #7... When you try to talk to him about your incompatibility in bed, "he just says it is his fault." What he's doing here is saying one thing and doing another. When you ask him what it is about you so you can change it, he say s its him. This is his first clue to you that you have nothing to do with him not being able to perform with you.
8) Red Flag #8 ...It's like he isn't worried about it at all, and he doesn't feel the need to look for a solution. It's like he can just live with it and he hopes that I can do that too ".......What he's saying to you is that he wants an "open" relationship, where he goes to be with others, as well as yourself, but that you "live" together,
9) Red Flag #9...every time I ask him what do you find more attractive in those girls. (maybe I could find the solution there). He gives me the same answer, every time, " You are way prettier and sexier than those girls. On the in- and outside" .......This could mean that with the "other" girls he can act in a way that he can't with you. Many men seek out sex workers because they will do whatever he insists that they do.
10) Red Flag #10..........I feel like he is scared of hurting my feelings. You want to have sex but once in bed he says the damn hurtful things over and over again (and he doesn't realise it)........You, at this point, are in denial about what type of person you are dealing with i'm afraid.
I understand how devastating this must be for yo right now, please know that what you're going through right now in only a "stag" in your life. This will end and you will move on. The trick is to learn from this relationship, so that you can be that much further ahead when making your next choice in a partner.
I could write a list with a hundred reasons why a man might not want sex with you, but the bottom line is that you are sexually incompatible , and you can do so much better for yourself, than this jerk.
Is there any possibility that he is using you for money ? do you pay for more than half your share of expenses?
We are but a click away to talk whenever there is a need friend.
He may also be co-dependent. Be firm about your space. The longer you let this continue, the more difficult it will be to break up when you ultimately realize you'd rather have a healthier relationship. Let it go, make a clean break, be respectful, but don't go back.
*I never saw it that way
Sorry my mistake
My two best friends had the same idea.(one male and one female bestfriend).
But then we have the little problem that confusses us. He can't get his hands off of me. He kisses me and hugs me all day if he could. It is sometimes very embarrassing because he touches my boobs when there are people around. When I'm talking to somebody I ignore everything that is around me. So I sometimes don't even release he does that. But evertime we are getting to it he slowly stops and changes. After I got my clothes on again he startes again little by little.
So at first I thought there was something wrong with my body. After some investigation with the help of some friends of my best friends, we came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with my body. Al the guys they asked by showing a picture of me, told them that I looked totally fine and that there was absolutely nothing with me.
So then I got stuck again :-(
So then we came with the idea that maybe he gets excited by things or people he can't get, but then again why didn't he break up with me already ? If would have been bored by now of me if that would be the case.
He is really holding on to this relationship. When I asked him to give me some time to think until we would see each other again (a week) and wouldn't contact me until then, he got very confused and even panicked. He then said that our love would overcome everything. At the end he finally accepted it to give me some time. When I told him that he should also think about this, he said he didn't needed to because he knows for sure that I'm the women of his dreams and that things would resolve itself in time.
To bad things don't always go that way :-(