15733357 tn?1442601122

My boyfriend isn't sexual attracted to me


I'm a young women who decided to give the dating live a chance. 8 months ago I met this amazing guy at a big festival. It was love at first side, I was really into him and he was really into me. We started to chat a little and after that we started flirting with each other. On New Years Eve we finally kissed each other and admitted our love for each other. This was my very first relationship and I was still a virgin and so was he. Looking at it I was pretty happy because I felt less embarrassed. My very first sex experience wasn't something to call amazing, we had some fun but that was it.

We are now 8 months together, and my boyfriend started to tell me he wasn't sexual attracted to me. He is to other girls but not to me. At first he said it only once and private (but we still tried to have sex), but now he is saying it on a regular basic and something even if there are people around (and every time we try to have sex, he stops in the middle of foreplay and goes on his phone). He always uses the same excuses: "Sweetie I just don't feel sexual attracted to you, but that isn't important. The fact that I love you is important." I tried several times to talk with him about it but it always ends up embarrassing me or getting me down. I feel like he pushes the blame on me, but every time I ask him what it is that I'm doing wrong, he just says it is his fault.

I really love my boyfriend but I'm kind of worried. It's like he isn't worried about it at all, and he doesn't feel the need to look for a solution. It's like he can just live with it and he hopes that I can do that too ( easier said than done ). Also the fact that he gets sexual attracted to other women but not to me, made me worried a lot. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not ugly either. I'm normal and that something good ( i guess ). But yeah, and every time I ask him what do you find more attractive in those girls. (maybe I could find the solution there). He gives me the same answer, every time, " You are way prettier and sexier than those girls. On the in- and outside.

I really don't know what to do, I feel like he is scared of hurting my feelings. But this is even worse. It's awful because you feel helpless, you don't know what to do to fix the problem, you don't know if you are the cause or if he has a problem, you want to have sex but once in bed he says the damn hurtful things over and over again (and he doesn't realise it). I really need advise !! I'm really hopeless right now, I don't want to break up because of this. But I can't go further than this :(
31 Responses
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139792 tn?1498585650
It is impossible that man may not know that his wife needs sex. And the man also needs sex if he is normal. So I think first you should find out that he is carrying out with others. Or he has sexual problem.He is not being frank with you. You have to find out about him by different methods. If the problem is not resolved, you should quit him. Make a firm decesion in one way or  the other.I understand you already have received suggestion in other forum. You will have to think on your own and do the needful.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Are you sure that he's sexually attracted to women?? He might be confused with his sexuality and just use you to cover up his problem. He said he loved you but the truth is, he does not want to lose his alibi.He might love you but not as a lover. You should talk to him and clear up things so you will not be confused as to what he wants. What he's doing right now are not what normal men do...
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Avatar universal
Leave the guy and find someone who will found you attractive.
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15439126 tn?1444443163
Sounds to me like he became physically infatuated with you from his first sexual encounter with a woman (not so unusual a male response), but that's now worn off after almost a year's passed, he's come to realize there's more to relationships than sex and while he wants to move on he feels obliged to you as you were his first and still interested in him.  (Which, could be seen as an argument for falling in love before getting physical, I suppose.)  

I don't think there's a remaining basis for a relationship but maybe a professional could offer a viewpoint after interviewing both of you.   Had you considered taking him to relationship/marital counselling?
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13167 tn?1327194124
I agree with Terner.  I'm not at all sure this guy is attracted to women.

Men who are attracted to women find one they are attracted to,  and have sex with her.  It's really odd that this guy wants to be in a relationship with you but he's not attracted to you.  And he's dumb and callous enough to say it.

Move on.  You don't need this.  My guess is,  much later in life he'll come out with his real sexuality and you'll feel relieved it's not you.  It's not you.
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13167 tn?1327194124
Oh,  and I meant to add.  He's not scared at all of hurting your feelings,  and he does realize what he's saying when he says it.    He's using these very hurtful statements to make you stop asking to have sex with him.  
Helpful - 0
15733357 tn?1442601122
I never say it that way. Do you really think he would do that just because he doesn't wanted to have sex with me ?

My best friend also thought that he maybe has some medical problems but he doesn't know and won't accept that fact. (But the fact it doesn't bother him confusses me )

Talking to him is very difficult because he has a lot of self confidence and he won't accept something that would bring him down so easily.
Helpful - 0
15733357 tn?1442601122
My two best friends had the same idea.(one male and one female bestfriend).

But then we have the little problem that confusses us. He can't get his hands off of me. He kisses me and hugs me all day if he could. It is sometimes very embarrassing because he touches my boobs when there are people around. When I'm talking to somebody I ignore everything that is around me. So I sometimes don't even release he does that. But evertime we are getting to it he slowly stops and changes.  After I got my clothes on again he startes again little by little.

So at first I thought there was something wrong with my body. After some investigation with the help of some friends of my best friends, we came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with my body. Al the guys they asked by showing a picture of me, told them that I looked totally fine and that there was absolutely nothing with me.

So then I got stuck again :-(

So then we came with the idea that maybe he gets excited by things or people he can't get, but then again why didn't he break up with me already ? If would have been bored by now of me if that would be the case.

He is really holding on to this relationship.  When I asked him to give me some time to think until we would see each other again (a week) and wouldn't contact me until then, he got very confused and even panicked. He then said that our love would overcome everything. At the end he finally accepted it to give me some time. When I told him that he should also think about this, he said he didn't needed to because he knows for sure that I'm the women of his dreams and that things would resolve itself in time.

To bad things don't always go that way :-(
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15733357 tn?1442601122
*I never saw it that way

Sorry my mistake
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14757565 tn?1438301624
He may also be co-dependent.  Be firm about your space.  The longer you let this continue, the more difficult it will be to break up when you ultimately realize you'd rather have a healthier relationship.  Let it go, make a clean break, be respectful, but don't go back.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
This guy sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
A personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy , power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. 's gay for sure.

I have to agree with Turner, who said it first,,that he might be gay.
He may also be judging you compared to women that are able to make a living with their bodies and sell themselves.

I believe that he may be biding his time until someone comes along that has all the traits he's looking for in a permanent partner. In other words, he's not above using you until he finds what he's looking for, whether that be a man or a women.

There were many Red Flags since the beginning of your relationship, that you may have failed to see. because you are "in love" with the idea of being 'in love. At 8 mos in, he put it out there, that you don't satisfy him. Right now you are living in a nightmare of a situation, and you need to WAKE UP!!!!

"I I met this amazing guy at a big festival. It was love at first sight.."
1) Red Flag #1..there is no such thing as "love" at first sight in the real world. You couldn't possibly know if you "loved" him or not by looking at him. Allowing yourself to think this way put you in jeopardy down the toad. I believe that what we feel upon first meeting someone that we like, is lust. We call it love to bring on a air of potential permanence. The problem with that is that it rarely happens unless a lof of different boxes are ticked off. You need time and many different circumstances to happen before you can make a decision that this person you're getting to know, is worth the time and effort you would be putting in.

"This was my very first relationship and I was still a virgin and so was he. Looking at it I was pretty happy because I felt less embarrassed. My very first sex experience wasn't something to call amazing, we had some fun but that was it." etc.

2) Red Flag #2.. he was more "embarrassed" then you about lovemaking. This was your first sign that something was amiss with him. Most guys are not embarrassed at all about having sex.they're are usually very grateful. lol  It could bet that this man is excessively shy, has intimacy issues. or performance anxiety.

3) Red Flag #3. he did not provide you with a memory of having a "special" time upon losing your virginity. It was a long time ago for me,  but i know that my first boyfriend did go out of his way to make me feel "special" that was the TYPE of man he was. I can look back and be happy i made him my first.

4) Red Flag #4..at 8 mos he's "no longer attracted" That's not the worst part. He tells you this over and over, stops foreplay to use his phone? and tells other people that he's not attracted you. So he may be telling other people because he is Narcissistic and he wants them to know he thinks hes' better than you, or that he's settling for you.

5) Red Flag #5. he says he's attracted to other girls..in the same sentence that he's telling you he's not attracted to you    How cruel??

6) Red Flag #6.He tells you what you should expect in a relationship instead of asking you if you want to move on with him if you are not gong to have an intimate life with your partner, and that your partner is going to HUMILIATE and degrade you at every turn.????
How utterly arrogant, This is his Narcissistic behavior coming out,  "Sweetie I just don't feel sexual attracted to you, but that isn't important "

7) Red Flag #7... When you try to talk to him about your incompatibility in bed, "he just says it is his fault."  What he's doing here is saying one thing and doing another. When you ask him what it is about you so you  can change it, he say s its him. This is his first clue to you that you have nothing to do with him not being able to perform with you.

8) Red Flag #8 ...It's like he isn't worried about it at all, and he doesn't feel the need to look for a solution. It's like he can just live with it and he hopes that I can do that too ".......What he's saying to you is that he wants an "open" relationship, where he goes to be with others, as well as yourself, but that you "live" together,

9) Red Flag #9...every time I ask him what do you find more attractive in those girls. (maybe I could find the solution there). He gives me the same answer, every time, " You are way prettier and sexier than those girls. On the in- and outside" .......This could mean that with the "other" girls he can act in a way that he can't with you. Many men seek out sex workers because they will do whatever he insists that they do.

10) Red Flag #10..........I feel like he is scared of hurting my feelings. You want to have sex but once in bed he says the damn hurtful things over and over again (and he doesn't realise it)........You, at this point, are in denial about what type of person you are dealing with i'm afraid.

I understand how devastating this must be for yo right now, please know that what you're going through right now in only a "stag" in your life. This will end and you will move on. The trick is to learn from this relationship, so that you can be that much further ahead when making your next choice in a partner.

I could write a list with a hundred reasons why a man might not want sex with you, but the bottom line is that you are sexually incompatible , and you can do so much better for yourself, than this jerk.

Is there any possibility that he is using you for money ? do you pay for more than half your share of expenses?

We are but a click away to talk whenever there is a need friend.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Oops, not "stag" but "stage"..in your life.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
On AA's website they have a questionnaire that asks 20 questions and if you get 2 or 3 right, they say you are an "alcoholic"  Incidentally, for  a person to get well from this condition, they would have to admit to their behavior being off, and willingly going to get help  From your words, i can't see this happening. You can do far better than to be this boys' door mat until he moves to a better area code. Please don't waste your life on this guy. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOURSELF. Get rid of Mr. Nutbar and move on. We're her to help you every step of the way.

Here's a list of traits of a certain kind of Narcissist, suffering fromDSM-IV-TR. Your bf has Traits, 2 & 3
1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2) IS PREOCCUPIED WITH FANTASIES OF unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty,  or IDEAL LOVE.
3)Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4) Requires excessive admiration.
5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or AUTOMATIC COMPLIANCE WITH or her EXPECTATIONS.
6) IS INTER-PERSONALLY EXPLOITATIVE  takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7) LACKS EMPATHY  is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.


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15734889 tn?1442652397
I have read your post and understand that if you love your partner and they seem to love you back, but as a sister or brother would then yes..there does not seem to be a future there, no matter how much that fact hurts you deep down inside, it is better to do as you have done and ask for a break.

You and your future is what is the issue, and see how you feel after a month or two. It takes 66 days to form a habit, as so if you were just going through the motions with him for the sake of keeping the relationship alive, these will be less after that time. Also being close to someone you love, will usually only make you want to be with them more, and so a break will help to see the future more clearly.
At the end of this period you will be in a better place to make a decision..and even though it will probably still hurt for some time...eventually you will get over it all and feel a sense of relief..You are doing the right thing, but I would suggest having a longer break.

I hope it goes as smoothly as possible but don't be afraid to tell him that you would prefer to stay apart  after this 1 or 2 month period  even if he still wants to stay with you, if that is still how you feel.
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15733357 tn?1442601122
No not yet. The idea already crossed my mind several times, but for some reason I'm scared he would get offended and even get embarrassed by his own girlfriend. He has A LOT of self confidence, he won't accept ,something that would bring that down, so easily.

My friends think it is a very silly idea, because we are still very young and it's only been my very first boyfriend. They say that he won't be the one for me so that I shouldn't spend money on the broken parts of our relationship.

My "male" best friend thinks I should quit immediately, that he is not worthy of my patience and my kindness because of all the shame he has done to me.
My "female" best friend thinks otherwise. She want's to give him his last chance. She proposed that I have a good and long talk with him, and that I have to be very direct and frank with him. I should tell him how I feel after he says or do those hurtful things. And tell him that if nothing chances that I would have to be forst to break up with him.
She thinks that he would maybe have a WAKE UP call,  if not than the love I feel for him is clearly not the same as his and we should go our seperate ways.
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15734889 tn?1442652397
I have found that when a relationship is 'broken' in some way no amound of mending will fix it. I think I understand that being your first relationship you are afraid of feeling that you have been a failure..well the fact is it is not you that is problem, so you can hold your head up high. I would however learn from this and also learn that unfortunately men do have big ego's which you can work around..and without seeming to be being deceitful or misguided it can be worth investing a little bit more effeort to reduce the amound of emotional fall out that happens when anything ends that with don't want to end. Don't keep this going for the wrong reasons..keep the upper hand..and suggest a break..even though he doesn't want to. then you can have enough space to know how you really feel. The hurtful things he has said...
I would not hate him..but he is not a mature male, and in fact is being quite disrespectful to you. You are far too good for him in fact...But don't tell him all these facts...instead follow your girl friends advice but suggest a break..of more than one week..make him think..but do not be unkind to him...you can even remain friends if that works for a while...but I would stick to your word and do that for at least a month. I think you would be better to release yourself slowly from this relationship...It is not you...I as a male can clearly see that you will only make yourself more upset if you try to get back to those first few months of the relationship. Learn and as considerately as possible extract yourself from any relationship obligations.

I wish you the very best of luck...and look forward to hearing back from you.

He seems very persuasive....make it clear that the break is conditional that if he breaks it then there is no chance of continuing. Be firm but be fair. You will come out the other side feeling better.
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11740171 tn?1447943742
It sounds to me like he may be suffering from erectile dysfunction. He is all about being sexual until it comes to the deed, then while you two are building up to the act, he withdraws. Maybe he's unable to get it up or keep it up? That doesn't mean he's attracted to other men or even other women. Is he ever able to complete the act?
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15734889 tn?1442652397
well goldenlove has raised a good point..maybe it is exactly that...does he ever smoke?...as that can cause ED ,,,erectile dysfunction...and alcohol can be a major loss of being all stations ready..and standing to attention....if he has money worries or any worries, it can affect him quite adversely.

.during the times that things were going well did you try to cover  a reasonable amount of foreplay?...
It is possibly  a true observation  that some men can talk a good job, but they are actually compensating for inadequacies in other areas.
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15733357 tn?1442601122
No never :(

I already read something about it. I also thought it would be that. Problem is he doesn't smoke or money worries.( he still lives with his dad ).

The foreplay goes pretty quickly, I already told him I wish it would go on longer but for some reason he wants to go quickly and whenever he wants to penetrate he stops and says won't work he isn't up.

I do want to believe that that is indeed the problem, but I still am very shocked about the fact that he tells me that he is not attracted to me sexually. If you have that problem you wouldn't say you are not attracted to your girlfriend. Don't you think
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13167 tn?1327194124
I'm really surprised you waited til now to mention he has an erectile disfunction and can't maintain an erection through foreplay.  

It seems that's obviously the problem.  He wants to be with you,  but he doesn't want to make it obvious he can never maintain an erection.

I'm curious - why didn't you mention that earlier?  That seems to be a very clear answer.

Best wishes.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
If you have that problem you wouldn't say you are not attracted to your girlfriend.

A person with a personality disorder would blame another person for their own problem. It does sound like he does have a problem with erectile dysfunction, but how cruel he is as a human being to blame you for that. You need a man that couldn't and wouldn't be so cruel. There are lots of good men out there, this one , regardless of why he can't get it up, is no friend of yours. Not because of you, but because of his personality disorder.

Hope this day finds you moving on with your life. I'm glad ot hear that you have friends on whom you can rely. It sounds a bit odd that your best girlfriend is talking to this guy behind your back, and seems so invested in being his friend. I would be leery of this.
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11740171 tn?1447943742
A man's erection is a huge part of his "manliness". That's why he'd blame his loss of erection on her, because he feels like less of a man when he can't keep it up. It's also very embarrassing for him. It's not right, but it's not uncommon at all.
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15733357 tn?1442601122
I tried to talk to him the other day face to face. It was a big succes and we talked a lot about it. But then the day after something strange happend.

I told him we had to go slow on this we can't cuddle like we use too after all this. We need some time to build it up again. He needs to get my trust and respect back. What sounds obvious to me.
But after our talk he became furious. He was mad because I didn't discuss this matter immediately with him. (What isn't true) I talked about my problem with my parents and a docter. He said that I made a mess that I didn't have to make. He thinks everyone is mad at him. He thinks it is impossible the get the respect of my parents back after what happend. And that he didn't had to go through all this if I just discuss this with him. I told him several times that I did but that he wouldn't go to the bottom because he didn't want to and that everything he said really brought my self confidence down. He still blames everything on me.

He thinks this is the worse thing I ever did and that I treated him like a slave.
I really don't understand again his logic. I never wantwd to hurt him but I couldn't get through him so I had to discuss this with my parents. And it's normal to still be respectful against my parent. I don't ask the impossible, but I ask something that he has to work for it. Again all the blame is been put on me :'( what do you think. Do you think this is a normal reaction ?
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15733357 tn?1442601122
I didn't mention the problem because it isn't the obvious answer to this problem. I read about it and it hits old people easier than it hits people that are 20 years old. Also the cause of getting this doesn't really respond with him. He does not have a drinking smoke or money problem. He doesn't have much stress or anything. He is still a student who goes out pretty often.

If it was really the case I would have thinked that he wouldn't tell me het gets sexual attracted to other girls. And that his penis would get up by seeing them.
I really wish that would have been the case but I'm not entirely sure
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