My boyfriend watches porn in the toilet when I’m in the house

[Alyyy321]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. I have told him before I don’t like him watching porn, it upsets me and hurts me. It makes me feel insecure that he’s watching other women naked and having sex. He promised me and sweared he will never watch it. Last night I was using his phone to download something and I found out that he’s been watching porn like once a month. We are always together, we work at the same workplace and we go home at the same time. The only time he could be watching porn is when he’s in the bathroom when he comes home from work or when I’m sleeping. When questioned he said he “forgot” and he “can’t remember”. Then finally admits that he been watching it in the bathroom, but he didn’t jerk off and claims it’s “boring”. I know he’s saying these things to lessen the damage done. But I am really upset and hurt over it. Every time I think about it I start to cry. I can’t help it I just feel like he broke his promises and I can’t trust a word he says. How long he has been doing it I don’t know. But he goes to the bathroom for a minimum of 20mins everyday after work. I really wonder if he been watching porn more often than he claims. I just feel like 6 years of trust have gone down the drain. I can’t get over it, I’m hurt and upset. I cried all night and morning, I can’t sleep I can’t eat. He does love me and I love him. We’ve been together for so long we’re just so used to having each other’s company. But I just don’t understand.. I really don’t. I never refuse him when he wants sex, he always see me naked because we’re just that used to each other. But right now I just can’t accept this. He sees me naked everyday but still need to watch porn. What should I do? Asking questions doesn’t make me feel better, getting answers don’t make me feel better. If I don’t ask I am constantly thinking about it. I can’t eat or sleep. I am just really hurt. My heart hurts. I can’t stop my tears from coming.

[anonteenager17]

Same thing here.. together a year, claims I'm the only person he fins attractive and only likes my body, then on his instagram today I found pillowing humping searches and a video liked from a porn site and a photo of a plus size model account with her ass out saved. I feel betrayed and overthink a lot so I keep crying, and I feel like he's lied about everything. It sucks, I don't know what to do. He got pissed when I asked him about having instagram after he said he deleted it and is being deceitful. The girl looked nothing like me and he's asked me to do those things for him before and I have and he has videos of it saved, so why is he watching someone else? It hurts, I don't know what to do. I give up.

[anonteenager17]

I'm so insecure and have been hurt so badly in the past and I've done everything, given him everything and shown him all of my insecurities.

[anonteenager17]

now it feels like, i'm not enough and i spoke with his mom about it. now here I go crying again.

[AnnieBrooke]

Anon, are you 17, as your avatar name says? If so, I'd get out of the relationship and stop having sex with him (especially if he's also 17). He's not grown-up enough for you and it triggers you. Take some time for yourself without a boyfriend, then find a better boyfriend. This drama is not worth it.

[AnnieBrooke]

In short, someone who makes you cry because he is being who he is, is not the boyfriend for you.

[specialmom]

Hi anonteenager.  Insecurity is a hard thing.  We all probably are to some extent.  Work on that.  Any boy who is worth your time makes you feel good about yourself!  But you have to start feeling good about yourself from the inside out.  Porn is something that a lot of guys just do.  They are visual and may have a high sex drive that includes needing to masturbate besides being with their partner.  Frankly, it's quick and easy for them.  You don't have to cuddle with your phone after, you know?  And it's kind of viewed to them to be harmless.  Most know porn isn't real.  It's just fantasy.  Talk to him about it.  

[Myrina]

Mens want something new....whatever u do whatever u be.... they don't stop seeing women on social sites

[AnnieBrooke]

I also might add that along with increasing the emotional content of the argument by taking porn so personally and demanding the guy say he will stop, is the equally negative corollary of then accusing the guy of lying, being untrustworthy, 6 years of trust gone down the drain, etc.. Calling him a liar and having you act like all your trust was gone after all these years of trust, when all he did was try to please you by saying he would not watch porn, is frankly too much to put on this. You should never have demanded that he promise in the first place. The only way he lied was probably that when he "swore" to you in the first place, he sorta knew it might not be something he would always stick with, but he didn't have the guts to tell you that when you were crying and telling him how bad it made you feel, etc. Who would want to hurt their partner by putting down their feelings like that? No guy I know.

For some guys, such a promise given under duress doesn't rise to the level of a serious promise. (And if you think it wasn't under duress, try facing down a girlfriend who is using every emotional tool at her disposal to make him feel a certain way and promise a certain thing.) It would be like if you were a guy who drove on the freeway at freeway speeds, but for some mysterious reason, his s.o. has cried and made a scene said how degraded and bad about herself she felt when the guy drove faster than 55 mph, and made him swear he would never drive over 55. And though he couldn't actually understand why she felt that way, he loved her and wanted her to stop crying so agreed, but probably knew that sometimes when she wasn't in the car, he might drive faster than 55. (Then his s.o. finds out that the other day he drove 65, and makes a HUGE deal over it, cries, feels like nothing he says can be trusted, 6 years of trust down the drain, snoops in phone to see his transportation records, etc.)  In my world, the woman set the guy up. She got the guy to make an unrealistic promise and is now accusing him of a much more serious thing than driving 65, that of being a liar.

Frankly, if I were a guy involved with a woman like that, I would be wondering why this was all happening to me over something this unimportant. My antennae would be up regarding my s.o. having wildly emotional reactions to things that I don't agree are important. And if she were to then do this in other ways or other areas of life, then I would wonder (asking the question I asked you above) if I want to be there or not.

In your shoes, my advice to you is get over it, let it go, and erase the notion of calling him a liar entirely from your mind.  But if it is still so emotionally laden a subject for you that you are willing to coerce promises, do understand that you're just setting yourself up for more surprises and over-reactions, and I think you should look for a new guy who is not a porn watcher.

[Alyyy321]

Thank you so much for your time to reply to my question. I’m trying my very best to get over it and be more open minded. I also agree and realised after reading your reply that I let my emotions take over to the level my boyfriend end up being afraid and making promises he cannot keep. I’m still a girl and I am definitely still a beginner in relationships since he is my first boyfriend and my first love. I really value the advice you gave me and it really gives me a different mindset towards this matter. Again thank you!!

[TTinKKerBBell]

Ally321, I'm sorry You felt my words were harsh.  My words have also been called 'direct' and to the 'point' - I don't meant to 'offend', rather I  'cut to the chase'.   I totally agree with AnnieBrooke.  You only have a 'problem' if He's addicted to porn but men have been looking at naked Women since the beginning of time.  Their GrandFathers subscribed to PlayBoy and Hustler.  Today we have virtual TV, computers and I phones - It's totally unrealistic to think a man shouldn't, wouldn't look at porn.  It's gonna' happen.  Love is a choice - We must decide what we want in a relationship and pursue that, not demand it - not from Him and not from any other Partner - a relationship simply won't succeed otherwise......Good Luck

[Alyyy321]

Thank you! You’re totally right about that actually. Now when I think of it, it’s like “maybe I did overreact quite a bit”. Mainly I couldn’t relate to men watching porn because I’m from China (so is my boyfriend), and in China watching porn is illegal. So I sort of never expected him to watch it in the first place. But I guess, we’re both now in a different country so I got to be more open minded. Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to me. I’m feeling a lot better now.

[AnnieBrooke]

If porn is illegal in China, it makes sense that a guy from China who comes to the West might watch a little porn. (The lure of the forbidden, etc.) If you want to hurry him through this phase, watch it on the TV together, and at appropriate moments, yell, "Eeeew!" or "How phony!" or "Gross!" or "Wow, she's had a lot of surgery!" or "Ouch!"  (If you really want to rub it in, act impressed by the size of the guy's you-know-what, though that is a dangerous strategy. He might get the point that feeling compared to a porn star is not fun, which would be useful for you, but he might get so hurt and depressed that it would be a shame to do this to him.) But if you did watch it with him a few times on the big TV, and acted kind of cynical about how fake it is, it is possible he will get the point that this is not terribly impressive stuff. -- Or not.  lol

[Alyyy321]

Haha thank you so much!

[Myrina]

Yes it's universal fact we can't change until hez gay

[AnnieBrooke]

We see a lot of posts on this site by women who are so tied up in knots about the possibility that their boyfriend (not usually their husband, btw -- maybe it relates to the insecurity of not being married) watches porn. They have all gone straight to the assumption that if their partner watches porn it has something to do with their attractiveness or desirability as a woman. Somehow that jump leaves me puzzled. Why would it? Porn is very fake. The guys know it is fake. They watch it because it hits them viscerally, it has nothing to do with the real woman in their life. But anyway, because the woman has put such a heavy emotional load on it,  she goes to huge extremes to try to control the guy watching it. One woman even made her boyfriend "swear on their baby's life" that he wouldn't watch. What a stupid thing to do -- either him just agreeing not to watch it should have been enough, or else he was going to still watch it no matter what he said, and all she did was up the emotional content of the argument by making him swear on their baby.

Anyway, get out of your stuff. This is not about you, it's about a guy who likes to look at porn. Stop being a drama queen and get rational. Do you want to be with him or not? Are you satisfied with the status quo or not? (And if you say "yes" , I say "Really? Are you sure?") If you really don't like the watching of porn and it will always bother you, it's probably time to look for a new boyfriend. Some people have an obsessive porn habit, others just do watch it, and others don't watch it. I don't think your boyfriend sounds like a porn addict, but I do think he isn't going to stop watching. So it's time for you to get over it, or to end the relationship.

[jdambrosio]

He’s a disrespectful douche. If you told him you didn’t like it and he still did it dump him. He’s probably a porn addict and lying nonstop. Move on not all men are so disrespectful

[TruthLady]

Am I the only woman here who doesn't care a tiny bit about her man watching porn? And once a month! I mean come on. You might feel this is an attack on you but it isn't, it's just common sense.
Men are different than us, I know not a PC stance in 2022, but it's true. They have high levels of testosterone and this makes them more sexually active. Porn is just one of the outlets for this. The fact he's trying to hide it from you so that he doesn't hurt you and you're still prying on him and checking his online history is on you, not him.
We also find other men attractive, it doesn't mean we're gonna act on it. Which woman wouldn't like a taste of Tom Hardy, or Henry Cavill or whoever the ****, that doesn't mean you're gonna wreck your marriage only cause you see other men sexy.
The part where you say you do everything together, live, wake up, go to work etc... that's not the most optimal. You both need variety, and he's finding it in form of porn. He's not going out all night with his buddies nor is he cheating on you. You're just insecure and instead of working through it, you're pushing it on him. Which is really unattractive. People who self loathe aren't attractive to their partners. We all know that one person, male or female, who's nothing special but their self esteem and the way they present themselves is what makes them stand out.
And another thing, men ser porn stars as sex partners, not life partners. And they're objectively attractive and he has right to think so. So do you. Even if he was so lucky to ever meet one of them doesn't mean she'd want anything to do with him either. So let your guy do whatever he feels like on porn websites, as long as he's not doing it in front of you it's his thing. And respect his privacy. Unless you suspect cheating you have no business going through his phone. Not even then, you have doubts ask. But don't go rummage through his **** and then complain why it stinks.

[Myrina]

Same....... he never ask me for sex I need to beg him... still he says I m tired,not feeling well,ignore my feelings it's hurts and daily I m crying...he lives me we are staying in Live in relationship don't know what's running in his mind I nva say no when he wants but why to see other people when there partner with them

[Hereforyou7]

All I’m seeing are toxic male responses that are blaming you for your feelings. Sorry, not how it works. A relationship comes with compromises from both people. Sit down and have a real talk with him. Let him know in detail how him watching porn makes you feel and see his response. If it goes bad, at least you got it off your chest. He may even apologize because he didn’t know how much it hurt you. Regardless, if this is eating you up, I suggest going to a therapist or counselor to sort out your thoughts and help you resolve your problems. Much love.
—an experienced gf and future RN

[specialmom]

Hm, I don't really read that (especially since it's mostly women here. :>))  I think all feelings are valid.  Trying to help someone cope and offering someone's own perspective is all anyone is doing.  And I appreciate your perspective as well.  You sound like you have a lot of good info and insight to give.  Hope you come back to share more with us.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

You've expressed YourSelf to Him and in spite of that He wants to look at porn.   I suppose You could stay up all night to see to it that He stays asleep and You could always join Him in the bathroom, but I suspect this wouldn't go over well.  I fail to see "the damage done" from Your point of view (looking at porn) - rather I would say much more damage is being done to the relationship on Your behavior :  You are "really upset and hurt over it"    "every time You think about it You start to cry"    You feel like "He broke His promises and You can't trust a word He says"   "6 years of trust has gone down the drain"    "You can't get over it, You're hurt and upset, You cried all night and morning, You can't sleep, You can't eat, You can't accept this, Your heart hurts, You can't stop Your tears"  ---- ALL these words are Yours, not mine.  You are investing and WASTING 24/7 of a relationship that You otherwise describe as very good.  He's wasting 20 minutes ?? !!

[Alyyy321]

Even though your words are rather harsh, I appreciate your reply. You’re right, it’s me that’s damaging our relationship right now because I’m unable to get over this sudden “surprise” as I really had no idea he was doing this all along. I will get over it however. Thanks again for your reply.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You kinda' sorta' misunderstood My point.  What I really meant to show You is how much TIME You are feeling  EXTREMELY unhappy about this, and I think You should re-think whether You want to continue this relationship.  You've seen that inspite of Your words to Him, He continues to watch porn and You continue to be unhappy.  I also didn't mean for You to feel I was suggesting YOU are damaging the relationship - quite the contrary as I understand Your feelings in this circumstance.  My point is You're VERY unhappy and 'Love' isn't supposed to make AnyOne unhappy.   'LOVE' doesn't lie, cheat, pretend, hurt, make You feel unwanted - If You are feeling this way I'm suggesting this isn't 'Love' - Love should be peace and comfort.  Good Luck, Alyyy - I Hope You Live Happily Ever After

[specialmom]

TTinKKerBBell, you stopped back by!  Come back more.  We miss you.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

SpecialMom - Thank You !!  I've missed You too !! I will 'drop in' a little more often -  We're sheltering in with this virus so We're spending time at home these days.  Are Your Boys able to attend school ??