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My brother does not approve of my Girlfriend
My brother doesn't approve of my girlfriend -- for no apparent reason whatsoever. I am very close to my brother, but we are very different. He is very unstable and has a very mean streak, compared to me - I am very stable and always striving to keep the peace between us. When I was younger, we would clash a lot because I'd hold my ground, but as we got older I realized how to make our relationship the best it could be -- by a lot of 'sacrificing' on my end for the good of the 2 of us.
Now, I introduce him to my girlfriend and he doesn't like her and says I need to get rid of her. On one hand - of course he can't tell me what to do, but he thinks he can...I am not a pushover necessarily, but I KNOW if I hold my ground it will fracture our relationship and it's not something I want to do. However, he is extremely unreasonable here with no basis for disliking her... and by acquiescing he will continue to feel he has this "control" over me - which I allowed for lesser things for the greater good of our brotherly relationship.
This may seem like a no-brainer, BUT I have only been dating this girl for 1 month. I do like her. All of my friends like her and she is a good person. However, is it worth throwing away my brotherly relationship (possibly irreparably) for a chance to see how a 1-month long relationship will go? If it was a longer relationship and I grew to love the girl then that's a different story.
So I am torn -- because at the same time I want to have a healthy relationship with my bro -- BUT I also want to make it known to him he does not control me. Note that we are all in our late 20s so we're not kids here. It sounds silly, but that's the dynamic of my life. My brother has some mental imbalances/bouts of rage, etc...but at the same time I care about him a lot (sometimes for those very reasons), but this is something that is totally unfair to me. I feel like I give a lot and when it comes time for my happiness this happens. Any advice/help on how to go about this? I am really at a crossroads in my life. I cannot be 100% in my relationship with my girlfriend with this hanging over me; and I also cannot imagine splintering my family over this seemingly obvious decision I need to make.
Now, I introduce him to my girlfriend and he doesn't like her and says I need to get rid of her. On one hand - of course he can't tell me what to do, but he thinks he can...I am not a pushover necessarily, but I KNOW if I hold my ground it will fracture our relationship and it's not something I want to do. However, he is extremely unreasonable here with no basis for disliking her... and by acquiescing he will continue to feel he has this "control" over me - which I allowed for lesser things for the greater good of our brotherly relationship.
This may seem like a no-brainer, BUT I have only been dating this girl for 1 month. I do like her. All of my friends like her and she is a good person. However, is it worth throwing away my brotherly relationship (possibly irreparably) for a chance to see how a 1-month long relationship will go? If it was a longer relationship and I grew to love the girl then that's a different story.
So I am torn -- because at the same time I want to have a healthy relationship with my bro -- BUT I also want to make it known to him he does not control me. Note that we are all in our late 20s so we're not kids here. It sounds silly, but that's the dynamic of my life. My brother has some mental imbalances/bouts of rage, etc...but at the same time I care about him a lot (sometimes for those very reasons), but this is something that is totally unfair to me. I feel like I give a lot and when it comes time for my happiness this happens. Any advice/help on how to go about this? I am really at a crossroads in my life. I cannot be 100% in my relationship with my girlfriend with this hanging over me; and I also cannot imagine splintering my family over this seemingly obvious decision I need to make.
Best Answer
Once again - thanks to all for your wonderful and insightful feedback. I am not sure how things will play out, but I hope for the best moving into the future.
Honey, it's hard enough to manage your own life. You can't re-write the script of the past also, and it's a waste of your life to try. Good luck, live for now and the future.
Sounds to me like you are now aware 100% of everything around you (family, gf) An you are a very smart person for this matter... and no we can not have it all in life... I wished the same for my family to be supportive in my life Overall but life is not like that, just learning how to walk in the crowd... as an adult i have to be responsible of my own decisions and just try to have a normal stable happy life, problems are always going to be there but learning how to manage them like you are doing is the best thing we can do..
Wish you the best and be happy with ur GF... :)
Wish you the best and be happy with ur GF... :)
Funny you mention it - I did seek counseling yesterday about this very issue and my therapist said very similar things - that I need to stop trying to worry to change others (i.e my brother, my parents) as I ultimately have no control over this. I guess it's just tough trying to accept a potential change and I thought I had some overarching ability to overcome this situation and make it something it's not. If it's meant to be it's meant to be but I need to make peace with myself if my family situation does not change. I guess I never wanted to just have a "casual relationship" with my brother going into adulthood, but acquiescing to his manipulative efforts any further will only worsen the overall situation. I never thought of myself, a very stable and balanced person, as needing to seek counseling, but here I am with this burning issue hanging over me.
The girlfriend situation is just the catalyst to the overall problem, it isn't even the main issue. She may or she may not be the one, but if I let my family problems ruin this relationship then the next relationship may suffer in the same way if unaddressed. My comment related to "Desperately" wanting my brotherly relationship to work is that I envision a utopian scenario where I have it all - great family relationship, great girlfriend/wife relationship, etc etc and "why can't I have it all" complex. Which is admirable I guess, but doesn't work if the other parties (who I cannot control) aren't on board. So instead of trying to change "them" I should seek to adapt my thought process and views of the world, as I am the only person that I can effect change on.
The girlfriend situation is just the catalyst to the overall problem, it isn't even the main issue. She may or she may not be the one, but if I let my family problems ruin this relationship then the next relationship may suffer in the same way if unaddressed. My comment related to "Desperately" wanting my brotherly relationship to work is that I envision a utopian scenario where I have it all - great family relationship, great girlfriend/wife relationship, etc etc and "why can't I have it all" complex. Which is admirable I guess, but doesn't work if the other parties (who I cannot control) aren't on board. So instead of trying to change "them" I should seek to adapt my thought process and views of the world, as I am the only person that I can effect change on.
It's like u were in my head I agree with everything u just, while it is important for us to keep a nice bond with out families, when u become an adult u have to find ur own ways, traditions etc. U simply cannot allow ur family to decide for u anymore and if u do u will lose where outsiders such as girlfriends are concerned. Each person has to find their own balance and importance in life u have to do it all on ur own, noone can do it for u and in fact and truth u really shouldnt expect anyone to. Maybe the reason IS psychological why u "desperately" need ur brother's approval. Do not be a pushover hon.
Oh, Mr. S U was professionally successful, an engineer for a technology firm. He made plenty of money. He just was totally off balance, and continually did things that demonstrated very off judgement. He even had been arrested and convicted for drug sales during college.
Anyway, what's striking to me in your posts is that you put such a huge emphasis on everything being superior between you and your brother. What if it's not possible? You say you are "desperately" seeking an adult relationship with him. Why "desperate?" If you're in your late 20s, it shouldn't be anywhere near as important to you as desperately seeking a life that is balanced around yourself and your future wife and kids. You're not a child in the old nuclear family any more. LOTS of people have only casual relationships with their siblings once they become adults. If I were in your shoes, I'd seek some counseling to see why it is so darn important to you that the relationship with your manipulative brother takes precedent over all potential other relationships in your life. A good girlfriend will sniff out that your brother's opinion means more to you than she does, and that there is this icky dependency going on in the family , so why not fix it now so she won't leave over it?
Anyway, what's striking to me in your posts is that you put such a huge emphasis on everything being superior between you and your brother. What if it's not possible? You say you are "desperately" seeking an adult relationship with him. Why "desperate?" If you're in your late 20s, it shouldn't be anywhere near as important to you as desperately seeking a life that is balanced around yourself and your future wife and kids. You're not a child in the old nuclear family any more. LOTS of people have only casual relationships with their siblings once they become adults. If I were in your shoes, I'd seek some counseling to see why it is so darn important to you that the relationship with your manipulative brother takes precedent over all potential other relationships in your life. A good girlfriend will sniff out that your brother's opinion means more to you than she does, and that there is this icky dependency going on in the family , so why not fix it now so she won't leave over it?
Thank you for your post, AnnieBrooke. It is somewhat reassuring to know I'm not the only one in the world with these issues...I guess I'm the only person I know with this problem that I've been masking for years. I guess I always thought I was optimistic in the sense that things would "normalize" and I'd have the perfect adult life with everything in place.But here I am faced with the ultimate test.
My brother has actually been seeing a psychiatrist for his issues for some time, as he is aware of his behavior. However, it is more of an attempt to calm himself but does not actually effect change of his core make-up and that is to try to control the whole family, which I am ashamed to say both me and my parents have allowed to happen. As the younger brother I have always been boxed into that role and it is no way to live. I wouldn't classify by brother as a classic "Screw-up" as he is a very smart very successful person -- but this lends nothing to the fact that he doesn't act like a normal adult or want to have an adult relationship with his brother who is desperately seeking this. I hope the outcome can be as mature as you say it can be and he will eventually come around -- but right now I do not see that happening.
I won't be a "Wuss" to my girlfriend. I will make it clear I like her and will continue to date her, but just make her aware of my family issues so it doesn't stay bottled up inside me and affect my psyche throughout our relationship. This is new territory for me so I am grateful for the wonderful feedback I've received from you and others in this Forum thus far! Thanks!
My brother has actually been seeing a psychiatrist for his issues for some time, as he is aware of his behavior. However, it is more of an attempt to calm himself but does not actually effect change of his core make-up and that is to try to control the whole family, which I am ashamed to say both me and my parents have allowed to happen. As the younger brother I have always been boxed into that role and it is no way to live. I wouldn't classify by brother as a classic "Screw-up" as he is a very smart very successful person -- but this lends nothing to the fact that he doesn't act like a normal adult or want to have an adult relationship with his brother who is desperately seeking this. I hope the outcome can be as mature as you say it can be and he will eventually come around -- but right now I do not see that happening.
I won't be a "Wuss" to my girlfriend. I will make it clear I like her and will continue to date her, but just make her aware of my family issues so it doesn't stay bottled up inside me and affect my psyche throughout our relationship. This is new territory for me so I am grateful for the wonderful feedback I've received from you and others in this Forum thus far! Thanks!
Thanks to all for your comments they have been pretty uniform and consistent. To RockRose -- your comment about "eggshells" resonates, and I think it's a result of taking the easy path, because I am always of the belief family is forever and I would never sacrifice that for the sake of a girlfriend or otherwise.
Honestly I am scared to death about making that choice - not necessarily for fear of my brother but for overall fear of change, albeit a necessary one. A twist to the story is that my brother and parents live in the same city and I am in a different country - so this could impact me seeing my parents in the future as well, as I would be the only one effecting any change in the status quo -- my parents will not. So it doesn't matter who is responsible for the fracture of the family, but I will have to live with the results and I am not sure I am mentally/psychologically able to deal with that just yet.
A side benefit is that my girlfriend and I have established a very open/honest relationship and I am sure I can bring this up with her so she knows what's weighing on my mind. I know that is not typical esp for 1-month long relationships, but I'd rather be upfront about things rather than have to live my life with stress from all angles.
Honestly I am scared to death about making that choice - not necessarily for fear of my brother but for overall fear of change, albeit a necessary one. A twist to the story is that my brother and parents live in the same city and I am in a different country - so this could impact me seeing my parents in the future as well, as I would be the only one effecting any change in the status quo -- my parents will not. So it doesn't matter who is responsible for the fracture of the family, but I will have to live with the results and I am not sure I am mentally/psychologically able to deal with that just yet.
A side benefit is that my girlfriend and I have established a very open/honest relationship and I am sure I can bring this up with her so she knows what's weighing on my mind. I know that is not typical esp for 1-month long relationships, but I'd rather be upfront about things rather than have to live my life with stress from all angles.
Its none of ur brother's business who u date, he needs to butt out even if u want to date 10,000 hookers its ur life. Stay with this girl if u like her if it works great if it doesnt oh well such is life move on to the next one noone should tell u who to date and who not to. Ur brother needs to focus on his own love life and hon do not ever try to please anyone because u will end up like a puppet and they will be ur controller. Do not sacrifice ur own happiness so that someone else can laugh and be entertained at ur expense.
Even if you don't stay with this girlfriend forever, it sounds like time to tell your brother he does not control your life. You could even say that to him -- "I don't know if I'll be with her long term or not, but the issue really is, I don't want you to be telling me what to do any more, so I am going to just go with my own judgment on this." Then go on with your life. You won't be "fracturing your family," if any fracturing is done, he is the one doing it.
Its seem like your brother has been getting his way with you all your life and so he expect everything to be his way or no way.......there comes a point in every situation where things must change,,,,,,,your brother is your brother and you will always love him, but u have to live your life..like you said u are in your late 20s.........don't let him control your life, even if its for the greater good of brotherly relationship, its your time to be happy, continue with your girlfriend, your brother will just have to grow up and know that the world doesn't revolve around him, he have to learn, and if not now when.....
I think you need to recognize you can't have a "healthy" relationship with your brother. From what you say, he has some degree of mental illness, and he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Your relationship with him has always been a struggle, with you having to give up yourself to appease him. It sounds like everyone in your family - including you - spends their time walking on eggshells and cowering to keep him from blowing up.
You can't live your life that way. He will never approve of a healthy woman for you, and it's time now for you to get on with your life. If in the future he needs your help, in the form of getting him psychiatric help or other help, you may be called on to be the helper, but you will never have an equal, healthy loving relationship that adult brothers often enjoy.
Best to make the best of it. I'd go with the girlfriend.
You can't live your life that way. He will never approve of a healthy woman for you, and it's time now for you to get on with your life. If in the future he needs your help, in the form of getting him psychiatric help or other help, you may be called on to be the helper, but you will never have an equal, healthy loving relationship that adult brothers often enjoy.
Best to make the best of it. I'd go with the girlfriend.
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We have some friends who have a scr ew-up adult son in the family. It has basically been that entire family's theme to take care of Mr. S-U for his entire life. Anyone who rocks the boat and points out that Mr. S-U is a scr ew-up will get blamed for the fracturing of the family. The whole thing is ridiculous. Mr. S-U is the problem, of course along with all the years of enabling him and hiding the problem (from others and the family's own discussion), and living with that elephant in the room. It's like covering up for a closet alcoholic. (You might do some reading about the patterns of adult children of alcoholics, if you are that afraid that standing on your own two feet and dating who you want, will destroy your family. A family should not be that fragile, and probably in fact it is not.)
Anyway, stop taking counsel of your fears. You will still see your parents, for Pete's sake. You will doubtless still see your brother. Be an adult about this, and do what you want. Don't burden your girlfriend with too much of the agonizing, you'll just convince her that you're kind of a wuss overly tied into your nuclear family. Tell her, but do so with some ironic detachment. If you can muster any detachment. If you're nearing your 30s, it's not only time, it's high time.
Good luck!