My ex boyfriend is HIV positive and gets SO angry.

[glamman]

Recently after a year of dating I broke it off with my boyfriend. I didnt want to but things had got so bad that I felt I had no choice. The beginning of the relationship was great but as time went on it seemed that the same problems would occur every month... he wanted an exclusive relationship- didnt want other friends of mine around and would get jealous when I saw them. He also wanted to live with me ( he lived with his first girlfriend very soon after meeting and they were together for long time, so I think thats what he wants every relationship to be like). I was very happy with the idea of living with him- until his anger rages got more and more frequent. He is also HIV positive. It became a pattern with him that 3 weeks out of a month would be good but one week was bad.. with him getting very angry and raging and it would take him days to get over it. He was a poor communicator,and would keep all his feelings inside until he would erupt like a volcano- and then all of the things I had done wrong recently would be yelled at me. He would be defensive and stonewall me and roll his eyes  while I tried to discuss the issue that made him so angry. I tried repeatedly to get him to communicate his feelings b4 they built up inside but that didnt work. He refused to go to therapy. So the final nail in the coffin was when a friend came to stay with me  for 2 days, and he got so furious ( I can only assume that he was jealous- he never actually told me why ) that 2.5 weeks later he was still angry at me. I got to the stage that I thought I am so upset and distressed about the way he was acting and treating me that I had to break it off. I am very very sad about it though. He was a lovely guy, friendly and kind and great- for 3 weeks out of  each month. I miss him so much and really thought we had a long future together and feel empty without him in my life. I have lots of friends and they have been great- but the one person I want is him. A big part of me wants him back but I would want him to agree to therapy before I would go back to him.  Any comments or suggestions?

[sadmommy1973]

I'm in the same situation too, atleast you've manage or gathered enough courage to leave him I'm still stuck in the same relationship.  As is I'm very cross with him because every week he makes up stories that there is someone I'm seeing and accuses me of having affairs. Just last week I took my colleague to the Woolworths to buy her lunch which is mostly "health diet food" and she bought 2 slices of pizza for me and fanta grape and he saw the till-slip and the all hell broke loose...he told me that I've got someone/lunchboy at work even after he spoke to my colleague.  Every month he comes up with a new "boyfriend"  I've found...

It hurts a lot... last week Saturday I was supposed to be Baptised but due to all the heartache he's causing me I decided not to go ahead and I'm very emotional these days I battle to control myself... the sad thing about this is that I lost my husband 5 years ago and he was very good to me and my daughters always see me crying and it hurts me very much because they start asking what's wrong with me.

He is a very loving, caring person but when it comes to his jealousy, it destroys all the good he's done for me and the kids and then I'll start regretting the day I accepted/agree on the proposal.  I wish to end the relationship but I feel sorry for him and I think he knows it that's why he's playing with my symphathy...

I've always been by his side, couraged, supported him when he found out about his status but things changed when we went for my results which came out "Negative" at the back of my mind I feel that he thinks I'm going to leave him for other guys which I won't do... I've been through a lot in life from being a single mother of the child (son) with disability to widow and now in a relationship with a person living with HIV.  I even made a vow to myself that should I break up with him no more RELATIONSHIPS I'm done.  I cannot handle all the heartache, hurt and pain anymore.

[specialmom]

Well, that is true.  But, he doesn't work on the problem and hence it is HIS problem.  When I have a pattern that impacts my life in a negative way, I address it and try to resolve it.  Your boyfriend needs to do that as well or yes, this pattern will repeat.  And frankly, some go through their whole life with anger issues.  They may find a partner that is willing to live like that . . . but I don't recommend it.  You do NOT want to live with a partner that rages.  

It hurts to end a relationship.  You have to mourn it like all other things that come to an end that we found enjoyment in.  He is not a bad man, but just not a great match for a future together.  Do some nice things for yourself and keep busy.  All break ups hurt but time can make them better.  good luck

[glamman]

Thank you everyone. You have helped me. I appreciate your suggestions. I think my pain comes because I know we could be good together because he is a great guy and we are so compatible together and it feels so easy being with him (most of the time)  but  its his issues that cause the pain. Now I am feeling lost, alone and in physical pain because I am so upset. I also think about him that- ok, maybe our relationship didnt work out and if that is how it is then I will have to accept that, but what will happen to him in the next relationship he is in? he will have the same issues that he had with me too.

[teko]

I agree with all of the above posters. If it is this bad now, imagine what the future would be. I think you know this deep down and realize this is not a compatible relationship. There are two sides to everyone and beyond the raging, it sounds like he is controlling and manipulating as well. Mood swings could be related to meds, but the controlling and manipulating and punishing you for not doing his bidding is totally different issues, imo.  I think it wise for you to go on with your life because, this has the potential to get so much worse and who knows when those 3 weeks of good turn into 3 weeks of bad with one week of good. But that decision is yours to make, just make it with your eyes wide open.

[kay2486]

you were right to break it off as he's got a temper, like you say you've tried with him to get him to talk, he really should see a therapist if he wants it to work, it is only your choice if you wanna get back with him but id do it under one condition hes gotta change, hes gotta let you out everyone needs a break from each other no matter how much u love them, he should let u see ur friends too, nothings perfect and if you want to get with him its up to you, here to help

[specialmom]

Hi.  I also think you are doing the right thing.  Anytime the word "rage" is thrown into the mix, well I worry.  Dating is for learning what you need to know to go to the next level in a relationship.  Someone that "rages" and has a cyclic pattern of angry would be very hard to have a long term relationship with as it would probably get worse.

The cyclic part is interesting.  Could it be part of his medication routine?  He is also under stress dealing with an illness such as HIV.

But . . . that doesn't mean you should be with him.  It will most likely get worse as time goes on with longer and more frequent periods of lashing out.  

Good luck.  Love will come your way again do not fear.  

[jrobertson20]

I think you are doing the right thing.  You are trying to make the relationship better but he is refusing to do the ONE thing you are requesting which is therapy.  He seems to have some anger issues that he needs to get straightened out.  Breakups are hard but you really need to look at the big picture and make sure you really will be happy. If he really loves you like he says he would be willing to do the therapy.  Just think about what is going to ultimatly make you happy in the long run.  Being with somebody that gets angry and yells all the time or a healthy relationship.  So sorry you have to go through all this.  Good luck.