My girlfriend does not want to have sex

[zeitgeist121]

My girlfriend and i have been together for 1.5 years and our sex life seems to be slowing down considerably. Our sex life has never been exorbitant by any means nor has it been adventurous, she is not comfortable going too far out of the "normal" realms of sexual experience however, things have definitely slowed way down. I am lucky to get a playful rub over the pants these days and it's as if she just doesn't think of me sexually anymore. I am a highly sexual person and i enjoy connecting through sex and making it more of an expression of love, so when she refuses to have sex with me it is a huge blow to how i think she feels about me. I try to make things fun, i try to take stresses out of her life like household chores and things, and ive tried to mix things up and make it more adventurous but i always get the same annoyed response and rejection. We have talked about it multiple times and we are even seeing a counselor but nothing has changed. It's gotten to the point where i don't even try anymore and I am beginning to resent her for it. I don't even like sleeping in the bed and she gets angry at me for falling asleep on the couch but i can't even spoon her because i get hard and she gets annoyed. can anyone provide me with some advice or help me to understand whats going on here?

a few things: we had our first child 4 months ago and i understand that pregnancy can have a huge affect on hormones and i understand that this could be a huge part of the "problem" between us. she is also on anti-depressants and i know the also have an affect on libido, however we haven't had sex that didn't consist of her feeling guilty about not meeting my needs in over 6 months and I am seriously beginning to worry that she and I
are going to fall apart. i love her dearly and she says she loves me and wants to be with me i just have no idea what to do to amend the issue or at least resolve it for now.

[RockRose]

I agree with Londres.  It's so interesting how far afield from the truth many posters first posts are.

I think,  really,  because you posted what you wanted the problem to be,  not what it is.

I think she's probably right that she was sexually abused.  She has the attitude and behaviors of someone who has been abused.

Best wishes -

[Londres70]

Well.....your last post was more insightful than your initial post as this really doesn't have anything to do with a hormone issue......has to do with psychological issues.  If you know about her past, then I am not sure why you posted some of things you posted in your initial post. You go on about how you aren't getting this and that from her when you know she has sexual issues and has told you this.  

"i love her dearly and she says she loves me and wants to be with me i just have no idea what to do to amend the issue or at least resolve it for now."............Well, she has always had issues with sex it seems and there isn't any way for you to resolve this.  She needs to resolve this through therapy.  There is NOTHING you can really do but be supportive and hope the situation may change.  Apparently she is extremely damaged and has an exorbitant amount of issues......serious issues.  

Well......stay knowing you can't fix her, but encourage her to seek professional help if she hasn't done this.  I think it would beneficial for you to seek professional help as well to give you better insight and the proper tools to deal with someone, e.g. your gf, grappling with sexual issues, body issues, etc.

This is beyond you scope of help unfortunately.  

[zeitgeist121]

sheesh where to start? ok, well she's been off and on anti-depressants since her mid teens. She's also struggled with alcohol and drug addiction for which she's gotten treatment and been through AA. She was very obese in high school and she definitely has body issues, after high school she had gastric bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight. She didn't have her first real boyfriend or lose her virginity until her early to mid twenties and credits that to her weight issues. she has very low self esteem and because of this has dated nothing but addicts and ex cons. I genuinely think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and i try to let it be known. She told me today that she feels to safe with me and knows how i feel and because of this she doesn't want to have sex with me because subconsciously she sees sex as a bad thing and she can only do bad things with bad people... She believes that she was sexually abused as a child and that's why she feels that way... i am committed to this woman and to my family and leaving just isn't an option unless she chooses to be unfaithful at which point i will chose to not be in the relationship because of the lack of trust.  

[RockRose]

I had a time in my life where I had zero libido,  which is unusual for me.  Hormones in women sometimes just switch off - it's the brain saying we've got a baby here,  and don't want another in 9 months.

Although you're trying to make things better by being adventuresome,  I think that's exactly the wrong direction to go in.  If she knew you'd just have sex,  and not make a long drawn-out production of it where she's required to be extremely enthusiastic,  you'd be getting a lot more sex.

I know that's not what you want - but for the time being,   my guess is she'd cheerfully give you sex if it lasted 5 minutes or so,  and didn't involve forcing her to initiate.  

Best wishes.  I hope you get through this and she returns to normal.

[Londres70]

Was she always taking anti-depressants?

You were really sexually incompatible in the beginning to be honest and now the problem has intensified......compounded with the fact she is taking anti-depressants and just had a baby.  She wasn't highly sexual in the beginning.

I am not sure what more you can do since you are seeing a professional counselor about this and nothing is really changing.  You are going to have to make some hard decisions here.  You can wait a bit longer and see if things turn around OR you will have to learn how to cope with a sexless relationship.  If you didn't have this child involved I would be more apt to say consider leaving the relationship.  

Have you tried reconnecting outside the bedroom.....e.g. date nights?  

[thatquietgirl]

Well, I was going to say that it's natural for the amount of sex to ebb and flow throughout a relationship until you mentioned she's rejected you.  

My best advice to you would be to be patient.  Between being on an antidepressant that has already affected her libido and having a baby, her sex drive is naturally going to be low to nonexistent for a while.  I read that you are seeing a therapist and have discussed things.  Has anything been brought up about body image?  How does she see herself now that she has been through a pregnancy?  She might be a little insecure and hard on herself if she put on weight or thinks the stretch marks aren't sexy/are ugly or even be afraid her vagina feels different and maybe can't pleasure you how you want.

I would also back off in the sex department.  She might see you doing the household duties and be thinking, "Great, he's going to expect me to put out," and getting herself worked up rather than seeing it as you doing it to genuinely help her.  Be nice and helpful and kind without expecting anything of it.  Try to enjoy time together with her alone and with your newborn when possible and just be there for her.  If she can see you doing these things without expectation and notes you are genuinely happy, she may be able to relax around you and not feel pressured and things might just naturally start to happen.

Your wife has been through a huge ordeal for a woman.  Pregnancy isn't easy nor is delivery, and then she has a new little being to care for who is completely dependent upon her.  She may need a while to get used to the new stressors in her life and to feel more sure of herself and her body image (pay her some small compliments here or there as you see something you can do so about whether it's that she cleaned the kitchen or her hair's nice or whatever without any pressure involved) before she can.

That being said, I do understand this must be extremely hard on you.  You seem genuine in your concern, and you have made the right steps (trying to help, going to counseling with her, etc.).  And I understand how difficult it is to deal with someone with a lower sex drive than you, especially if things were at some point a lot more frequent and good.  It can be confusing and maybe even make you doubt whether you are attractive to them anymore.  I've been there at times when sex has kind of ebbed in my relationship.  It's just going to have to likely be one of those "take care of it yourself" situations for (hopefully) a little while.  Not anywhere as fun or fulfilling, but...

I'm sure your wife still loves you, too, but she's going through some things right now.  And it wasn't clear if the anti-depressant was before or after the birth of your child to determine if it's just maintenance or because of post-partum depression.  How has she been feeling lately?  Has she had some time to herself where maybe you took the baby to your parents for a while while she got in a nap and maybe even had a bath?  Have you two had time alone together where the baby is with one of your sets of parents and you two can have a few hours to just watch a movie and go out to dinner or even just go for a walk and talk and have some fun together?  If neither of these things have happened, they need to.

Congrats on becoming a father and best wishes to you and your wife!