My girlfriend has had 30 sexual partners

[bazz29]

I am 31 years old and have been dating a 29 year old girl for about 2 months.  We get on really well and have become quite serious and have discussed marriage etc.

I formed the impression she has had quite a few sexual partners (we also slept together on the first night). After some discussion she revealed she has had 30+ sexual partners.

I was stunned. I have had about 7.  I am realistic I would never end up with a virgin and I told myself not to think about it or dwell on it.  I cant help it but it is driving me crazy.  I expressed this to her and at my request she has even gone into detail about many of her experiences.

She tells me the love and connection she feels for me she has never felt before. I believe her( I think. She will do anything to be with me.

I feel I can really love this girl except I cannot stop thinking about this issue. I am not even sure why it bothers me.  

I realise this is MY problem not hers.  She told she is glad to have gone through all those guys to finallly meet me.

Will these thoughts fade with time? Why am I feeling like this?

Please help......

[gottilee]

My wife was with over 25 guys when I met her and she was only 19. We talked about things and it use to bother me a lot. I use to dwell on it but most of her experiences was her being taken advantage of by older pedophiles and her trying to get attention from her parents. They would spend most of their time at a bar drinking coming home after 2 in the morning so much of her issue was a cry for help so she began meeting guys online. By the time she was 16 she was with multiple guys in their 20s and 30s. That really got to me that I actually called the cops to see what could be done about this. Well its been 7 years now and we dont dwell on that anymore and I dont even think about it anymore. We are very happy with 2 kids now. I still wish I could find one of these pedophiles on the street though. Hope that helps

[teko]

No not me! For me to do this I would be mentally challenged to say the least, even with precautions. Some people need to slow down and get to know the person, first. IMO
But like I said, I am old and old fashioned. Does everybody do this now? OMG! No wonder relationships dont work anymore! How could they? Just my opinion.

[SeriousSam]

You can have quite a few partners and still not be diseased you know if you are careful.  The sex on the first date however is somewhat troubling.

[teko]

30 plus? Really? Was it a hobby? What makes you think she will hang around till death do you part? Can any one man really satisfy someone who has had that many? She is only 29?  Okay, Im old I grant you that but, I would be concerned as well and the first order of the day would be to get checked for std's. Secondly, I would wonder why someone shares themselves so freely and on the first date even.  My goodness! So, what are her issues? Really? I would absolutely be petrified of disease not to mention the self loathing and trashy feeling it would give me.  I guess I come from a different world but I would definitely take this slow.....

[RockRose]

bazz,  I would be concerned too.     That's a lot of partners - has she changed her viewpoint now and realizes that was really a dangerous/not respectable way to live,  or are you kind of just the last in a string of 30+ and she feels like she's found the one for her?

I would be concerned about how little importance she gives to sexual intimacy.  Was she abused in the past?  

I think there's a very good chance that now she's having meaningful - instead of meaningless - sex some issues will begin to surface about why she wants to view her body in such an unelevated way.

Best wishes.  I can understand how you would be feeling jealousy feelings,  but that's not the main thing here.  The main thing is what drove her to devalue herself and her sexuality.

[SeriousSam]

"Don't Ask Her That"

Uh! Yah hear mi, I an I mek yuh know seh
Certain tings yuh just don't waan know
Let it go! let it go! you don't wanna know
Let it go!

[? (Shaggy) (*Nicole Scherzinger)]
How many men did you have? (Don't ask her that)
Can you count on one hand? (Don't ask her that)
Am I like your last man? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)
Back in the day were you a freak? (Don't ask her that)
In the past hey did you creep? (Don't ask her that)
How you so good between the sheets? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)

[Chorus: Nicole Scherzinger]
Go 'head do what you came to do
Wanna know all the things that I used to do
When I keep it on the real you get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth
Go 'head do what you came to do
You want to follow my past well it's up to you
When I keep it on the real don't get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth

[Verse 1: Shaggy]
Don't ask bout the past you should let some things be
No need to concern bout the man she has seen
You ask how many she tell you just three
Knowing that your ego can't handle thirteen
It's best not to ask bout her previous guys
Unless you are willin to handle her lie
Especially when she's discussin their size
You just might be in for a bigger surprise

[Verse 2: ? (Shaggy)]
You listen to me go a you really don't wanna hear
Your stirrin the feelings that you know you can't really bare
So what if the answer you can prevent your biggest fear
(Now ask yourself are you really prepared? Uh!)

[Chorus: Nicole Scherzinger]
Go 'head do what you came to do
Wanna know all the things that I used to do
When I keep it on the real you get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth
(that's true)
Go 'head do what you came to do
You want to follow my past well it's up to you
When I keep it on the real don't get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth

[Verse 3: Shaggy]
An expert it seems when it comes to foreplay
The many positions she did made your day
I know you must wonder how she get that way
Don't ask you might not wanna hear what she'll say
Just look in the past and the ways you had fun
Would you wanna know when the things you had done
She might lose her cool and be tempted to run
So what heave you learned when it's all said and done

[Verse 4: ? (Shaggy)]
You think of the info that you really don't wanna hear
Your stirrin the feelings that you know you can't really bare
So what if the answer you can prevent your biggest fear
(Now ask yourself are you really prepared? Uh!)

[Chorus: Nicole Scherzinger]
Go 'head do what you came to do
Wanna know all the things that I used to do
When I keep it on the real you get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth
Go 'head do what you came to do
You want to follow my past well it's up to you
When I keep it on the real don't get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth

[Bridge: ? (Shaggy) (*Nicole Scherzinger)]
How many men did you have? (Don't ask her that)
Can you count on one hand? (Don't ask her that)
Am I like your last man? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)
Back in the day were you a freak? (Don't ask her that)
In the past hey did you creep? (Don't ask her that)
How you so good between the sheets? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)

[Chorus: Nicole Scherzinger]
Go 'head do what you came to do
Wanna know all the things that I used to do
When I keep it on the real you get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth
Go 'head do what you came to do
You want to follow my past well it's up to you
When I keep it on the real don't get an attitude
You want the truth, you can't handle the truth

[Bridge & Outro: ? (Shaggy) (*Nicole Scherzinger)]
How many men did you have? (Don't ask her that)
Can you count on one hand? (Don't ask her that)
Am I like your last man? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)
Back in the day were you a freak? (Don't ask her that)
In the past hey did you creep? (Don't ask her that)
How you so good between the sheets? (Don't ask her that)
(*We on a need to know basis and you don't need to know)

Songwriters: Burrell, Orville;Ducent, Ricardo;Storch, Scott

[LosingMyMindInGA]

My first question is...has she been tested for STD's?  Next, it's understandable that somethingl ike this would bother you, but if you feel it's hindering the processing of your relationship progressing, it may be beneficial for you to get some individual counseling...or perhaps couples therepy, to move past this.

[Westguy1003]

I don't know what impulse we, as guys, have to find out this kind of information. It's a little masochistic really but at some point we start asking for the number of guys and wanting to know details.

Point is you need to learn to deal with it or move on from her. I mean, I don't know the exact circumstance under which she's been with 30 guys but we could probably assume she's been sexually active for a good 10 or 12 years (maybe more). That's like.. less than 3 guys a year if you average it out.

Agreed there may be a reason why she's been this sexually active but 30 guys over 10 years isn't really all that "bad," is it? It's just more than you thought it was going to be. Maybe she has some "issues" and if she does then she really needs to be actively working on them with a therapist or there will be troubled times ahead in your relationship I guarantee it.

But go ahead and believe her when she says she's with you now and she loves and cares about you. Her number might be a little higher than you want it to be but you can't change that. I would also ask if what's bothering you is not that her number is so high but that there's such a big difference between hers and yours? Would this still bother you if YOU had been with 30 partners as well? Ask yourself that. Do you feel somehow less experienced or inadequate?

Over time, so long as you can develop a relationship, and more importantly, a mutual trust and respect for one another I think these feelings will pass and fade away.

[jrobertson20]

Maybe it's just the shock of it all but honeslty if you feel that good about her don't let this get in the way.  Just try to tell yourself the past is the past and this is a new path for the both of you.  Both of you are young so it was just being young.  I think once you just focus on your relationship the thoughts will fade with time.  My husband had a few partners and I was a virgin (I was only 16 when we started dating and he is about 3 years older than me).  It was kind of weird at first but honestly over time it was kind of like I am the one he chose and I am the one he chose to have a serious relationship with.  Good luck and I hope you find peace and can more forward.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, as you realize, we all have a past that we bring into a relationship.  All of our experiences make us who we are.  And you love who she is, right?

First thing, stop asking her any questions about it.  This isn't fair to her as you then harbor the information and have bad feelings about her because of it.  Second, remember that you don't know why she slept with that number.  Maybe she has had an issue of needing to feel loved and was trying desperately to feel that way.  That would be reason to hold her and comfort her over that large of a number.  You should feel protective of her instead of upset by this.

Put it out of your head.  


I agree that this is your issue and not hers.  And it makes me wonder if you are not looking for a reason to create distance with her.  Are you afraid of being hurt or are you insecure?  These are all issues you need to work on within yourself.  

Don't sabotage a good relationship over this.  Give her the love she has always been looking for.  good luck