My husband and step daughter

[Rose1933]

Is it normal for a 15 year old daughter and dad to snuggle on the couch everyday? She always has to be with her dad and will even try to sit on his lap. Sometimes she even lays on top of him. I am the new step mom and just dont understand it. I feel like the odd one out. This weekend she sat in between us and I can't even carry on a conversation with him because he can't hear when I am far away. I just go straight to our room and be by myself because I am so tired of hearing her go on and on talking to him like he is her girlfriend. I dont know what to do. She is only with us 50% of the time now. He feels that she needs this attention so she will be self confident and not look towards men for the love she did not get from her father. I just find it odd now she is turning 15. If we weren't married, she would be reading in his bed at night with him while he sleeps. She just does not like to be by herself.

[specialmom]

This is an old post.  Please ask your own question by going to the top of this page and hitting the ask a question link.  thank you.  

Mariam, this isn't my thread and therefore will not hijack with my own information but every family has a different level of affection.  Your discomfort may not be mine and vise versa.  new girlfriends or wives often have trouble adjusting to children of their partner and it is a theme we see here time and time again.  Every situation is different and some are appropriate and some are not.  

AGAIN=====  PLEASE ask your own questions rather than pulling up all the old posts.  thank you.

[mariam804]

So you are saying that your 15 year old son has no problem with mom lying n to of him, chest to chest, genitals to genitals?

[specialmom]

Hm, interesting question Emily.  This is an old post but will go ahead and comment as you make an interesting point.  I think the problem is societal norms.  Would I think it odd for a 19 year old adult/child to sit with her head in her dad's lap?  Yeah, I probably would.  Would I think it is odd for her to sit on his lap in public or at a family gathering?  yeah, I'd think it was a bit odd and immature.  I'm not calling you immature in any way but that society kind of sees that as not socially acceptable.  Children grow up and while holding hands or sitting close on the couch seems natural, hanging on one another is another story.  This doesn't mean I won't kiss my boys, hug them, sit close to them, goof off with them when they are 19 years old.  But when at a family gathering, I won't pull one of them onto my lap.  

If you hang out that way at home though, that's just your comfort level with one another.  No big deal.  Now, someday when you have a new boyfriend, he might not think it is normal for your head to be in your dad's lap.  

I'm an affectionate person.  but I choose the level of affection for the situation I am in.  I don't make out with my husband everywhere we go, for example.  It's appropriate in some settings and not in others.  

good luck

[Emily01012]

I know this is an old disscussion but after reading it, it makes me feel wrong!

I am a 19 year old female and I always cuddle with my dad! When we are watching tv I will put my head on his chest or lap. And I do sit on his lap when we are at family things. Its the way I have been raised. I have always been a daddys girl. My parents are happily married so there is not a jealousy thing. I am just very close to my dad, I suffer very badly with anxiety and cuddles make me feel safe.... my dad is the most important man in my life, why shouldn't I show affection?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  I first want to point out to you that you wrote your post onto the end of a very old thread.  They often get missed that way.  The original poster is gone and hasn't been here in a long time.  So if you are looking for interaction on your post, then it would be best to start your own thread.  You can go to the top of this page and hit the orange button "post a question".  FYI.

anyway, regarding what you've written.  I'll first say that I expect that I could lay chest to chest on top of my son and in NO way have a sexual feeling/reaction to him.  However, I agree with you completely that it would be inappropriate.  We just have things we do and things we don't.  And that is on the 'don't list'.  

He may pout and being reminded that A/ he can make mistakes (which no one wants to hear that B/his daughter is growing up and things can be misinterrpreted and inappropriate now and c/ like perhaps you are judging him.  

so, this is easy to clear up.  Tell him  your boundaries and why.  Calmly and with no judgement or anger.  He may just not be aware that it is not a good idea to be laying on a 15 year old daughter.  He sees her as his little girl.  So, gently let him know.

If your gut is still telling you something is wrong, that does become hard to ignore.  But hopefully with calm conversation, you can clear this up.  
good luck

[gypsy2609]

I also must add that my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and that we have a very healthy, loving relationship-both emotionally and physically. We believe in talking things over before letting it escalate to a fight. It's just a bit nerve-wracking because this is such a sensitive issue.

[gypsy2609]

This is an old post, but I have been searching to see if how I feel about a similar issue is crazy. My boyfriend and I live together, along with his 15 yr old daughter about 90% of the time. I love my man to have a close relationship with his daughter, i want them to have the open communication they have. Sometimes though it seems to be a bit abnormal. he can say 'I love you" to her 10 times in 12 minutes, yes I counted when I was feeling creeped out hearing it over and over. Hugging and kissing doesn't bother me. daughter has a boyfriend who visits almost daily. So my issue is; last night as we are getting ready to go to bed, he goes to her room to say goodnight. I get ready for bed and head to bathroom, they are laughing, I look towards her room and she is laying on bed, with dad laying flat on her, chest to chest, tightly, and teasing the dog. I feel that physical contact is totally inappropriate. She has a fully developed body, has a boyfriend and on bc pills. i feel she is way too old for her dad to have that contact.  I wrote him a note before i fell asleep telling him I how I felt about it. He read it this morning, said "that is sick". I pretended to be asleep cuz i don't want a fight, especially when he is leaving for work and I work tonight. Before he left he did come back to the room, kiss my cheek said he loves me and for me to have a good day. Then he said "it wasn't what it appeared". I told him in the note that I was not accusing or thinking he meant anything sexual by it, but that it was inappropriate, that his daughter is not a little girl anymore but a young woman with a developed body and sexual feelings and urgings and that at this age her body is hypersensitive to that kind of touch. This is still bothering me, I don't want to lose him just because I think he needs to realize a father/daughter should not be laying on top of each other on a bed. I haven't heard a word from him today, this was discussed 5 hrs ago, and I won't see him until I get home from work in 10 hrs. I usually at least get a text by now. I am not jealous of their relationship, I am concerned about that type of physical contact.

[teko]

I think there are two issues here. First I agree that there seems to be some jealousy of the child on the part of the OP. I also think the physical contact between the father and daughter are over the norm. This girl is 15, not 10. I also agree that some counseling would benefit the situation. Parenting would benefit the situation as well. Girls of this age are very territorial especially when the other woman enters the picture, in the form of marriage. The newcomer is territorial to a degree as well. And even tho I see jealousy from both females, the physical contact of laying on daddy at the age of 15 is a little much. I knew a family like this one time. They had a boy and a girl. The girl was stripping down with daddy, drinking with daddy, sleeping with her boyfriends under daddys roof, and still sitting on daddys lap at family get togethers well into her twenties. Everyone around raised their eyebrows at this behavior. It may have been innocent, who knows, but it sure didnt come across that way. There have got to be boundaries of conduct set, especially in the times in which we live. It sounds like all three of these people may have issues imo.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Oh specialmom, I think you give wonderful advice so I hope I didn't sound like I was saying otherwise!  I mean, I really think you are a valuable member on MH and most especially here on the Relationship forum :)  

I guess I was really only thinking about the physical aspects of it with her laying on top of her dad, etc.  The first 3 lines of the OP are all about the physical contact.  I guess after rereading the OP, you could possibly be right.  I think having a good relationship as far as communication goes, at that age, is great though!  The ONLY thing I thought was inappropriate was the physical aspect of their relationship.  Her talking and sharing things w/ her dad is NOT inappropriate.  And since the daughter is only there half the time, that part should not be an issue.  I hope and pray my kids still want to tell me everything when they turn 15!

So specialmom, I don't think you were wrong.  I just focused on the physical part to the point that I didn't REALLY read the whole post.  I mean I did, but you know what I mean....

[specialmom]

Oh well, can't win them all with my advice.  LOL  If the snuggling weren't in the mix----- would it change anything?  Because I read this completely differently it seems than others.  I feel like if it were her own child, she would be alright with the constant chatter that goes with kids.  And it would be a bonus if it was a 15 year old doing it because they tend to lose touch with parents during these years.  And if this is a part time situation because the daughter spends the rest of the time with the other parent, she'd crave that contact with her kid even more.

Either way----------- whether my advice is right or wrong that she is jealous of this daughter and turning her into the other woman herself or if the daughter is inappropriate (and I agree that the physical conduct is inappropriate)-------  they are going to need counseling to work through it.  Her husband sees her leaving the room now and I'm sure the "vibe" she puts off is hard to miss about the situation and yet it continues.  So, they are most likely going to need help navigating through this with a therapist to help them.  And I hate to say it------- the therapist is probably going to say a little of what I've said.  She's going to have to grow in her acceptance of their closeness for this relationship to last.  

I also hope that my advice is taken by kathryn in the light I mean it which is to only help.   I hope it works out for her and she builds a strong and happy home life with her new family.  (and I admit I'm sometimes wrong . . .  smile).

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I completely agree w/ teko here.  100%.  I was raised much like teko raised her own kids.  There were just def boundaries between males and females.  And yes, that went for dads and little girls too.  Even in my own house....I have 1 son.  He is 17, but doesn't live with us.  I also have 5 girls that are ages 15 months to 9 years of age.  The smaller girls lay down w/ their dad on the couch, etc.  My 8 and 9 year old girls RARELY do.  Were they told not to anymore??  No.  It just naturally changes as they get older to me.

I agree w/ specialmom on most everything, but not on this.  I mean, I agree that this teenage girl may indeed feel threatened by you, but I don't believe you are jealous in any way.  I think it simply makes you uncomfortable.

My husband is from Colombia but has been here since he was 17.  He is now 30.  He came by himself.  His parents moved here w/ his sister (who was almost 18 at the time) 2 1/2 years ago.  She was like this with her father (my father in law) and my husband's brothers; but not my husband.  They would hang on each other to the point that if I didn't know them or know better, I would have assumed they were a couple if I saw them in public.  It made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable!!  And I can assure you that I was in NO WAY jealous.  It just made me uncomfortable because I wasn't raised that way.  The last time I had sat in my dad's lap was when I was like 7 or 8.  My brother and I were not physical w/ each other that way either.  I certainly never laid on top of my dad or brother either.  Honestly, it even made my husband uncomfortable.  He had not been around his family for many years, so he was not like that.  If he had been, I wouldn't have married him.

To me, as a mother, it is my responsibility to teach my kids/daughters what is appropriate and what is not.  It is especially important for me to teach them boundaries w/ men.  And to me, that starts at home.  Obviously a relationship between a father/daughter is different from a boyfriend down the road, but some of the basics should come from home and from me.

I do think you are in a hairy situation though, in that you are the step mom and the daughter was there first.  That's a tough one, but I don't blame you for being uncomfortable either.  I would def talk to your husband about the physical part, but I wouldn't try to butt into the relationship on any other level at this point.  My thought is that once this girl sees that you are not a threat, she will back off some.  Maybe your husband can take her to dinner or to a movie and spend some father daughter time that way.  This way she won't feel as though he has forgotten about her since he has remarried.  What I am trying to say is that if your husband tries to nurture his relationship w/ his daughter in other ways, maybe some of this other stuff will stop on its own.  But your husband has to also get across to his daughter that although you certainly don't take her place, that you are his wife now and that you are important to him as well.  To me, that is very important for your husband to nicely, yet firmly, get across to his daughter.

Oh, and what about just the 2 of you (you and the daughter) spending some "girl" time together.  Perhaps you could go shopping or go for coffee/hot chocolate just to spend some time talking and getting to know each other better also.  Just a thought.....don't know what your relationship was like with her before you got married.

[specialmom]

Well, I think, to be honest, you sound jealous.  Yep, I do.  I don't think the laying on him or sitting directly on his lap is appropriate but if she sits right by him and in the middle of the two of you, I see no problem with that.  Sorry---------- if you were her mother, you'd enjoy sitting with her too.  If she talks a lot and dad wants to listen, I think that is good.  She's also transitioning to having her dad share his time and may need more attention during the process.  She's still a kid at 15 and I'm afraid you see her as the other woman.  This is not healthy and relationships end over things like that.

I think that you can pick your battles here and maybe say to your husband behind closed doors that the sitting in laps and laying together is a bit much and as she gets older it is maybe not appropriate.  Remember, he sees her as the little girl he raised and not in a sexual way.  If you think he is molesting his daughter then you need to take action.  But I doubt this is the case.  I could lay with my 15 year old son and not have a sexual thought in my head I'm sure of it (they are only 5 and 6 now-------- but I expect that I'll see them as the precious babies I raised their entire life.)  So you can let him know that she is growing up and maybe a bit less physical with her would be good  but that 's about it.  If you are a step mother to her, start listening to what she says too as that is what parents do.  

This is just my opinion of course but my gut says that this relationship will not last unless you change your attitude torwards his daughter.  goodluck

[wannabeamama6]

That's sounds really creepy! She sounds like a girl who has dipped into the sexual pool and knows how to upset other woman and gets off on that.

You should pry discuss this with ur husband.

[teko]

To me, no it is not normal. My girls were raised with rules of modesty and appropriate behavior. They did not sit on Daddys lap past a certain age, nor did they run around half naked when Daddy was home, and if they wore a bikini, it was at the beach. To me there is nothing wrong with hugging daddy and kissing on the cheek and all that. But at 15, and laying on top of him, sitting in between the two of you and the like tells me she is letting you know she is daddys girl, first and foremost. She sounds like she is manipulating the situation to bug you in a way that you have no control over. Good luck with that!

And Daddy needs to understand that people who witness this behavior at her age do not think it innocent at all. Kind of creepy actually.