Aa
My husband had an affair, please help Ive never felt pain like this :(
5 months ago I discovered my husband had a brief affair (lasted 4 weeks) back in 2011, the pain is unbearable its still as raw now as it was when I found out ive never experienced anything like this :( He ended it after they had sex for the second time and nothing has happened ever since. Weve always had a great relationship...were the couple our friends/family always comment on how happy we are, which is why this has come as a major shock. We are still madly attaracted to eachother, laugh together and are/were the best of friends.To make matters worse the only reason I found out is because he was 3 weeks into a texting affair with another coworker though this time it wasnt sexual but Im sure with more time it would have went that way. He was very distant and quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he blurted out what happened 2 years previous.
He is so sorry and remorseful and says he told this woman he loved me and didnt know why he was doing what he was doing and ended it. What makes the whole thing worse is he told me he wasnt even attracted to her, what?? And when he told me who it was (i had met her in the office a couple of times) I couldnt believe it myself. He says it was the scenario he was tempted by not her, I cant get my head around this! She was very full on and forward and I get that might be an ego boost for a lot of men but to go as far as sleeping with her?
I guess my problem with this is I could perhaps deal with this if he had made a mistake and learned from it and vowed never to allow it to happen again but the fact that he was going down the same road shows me he learned absolutley nothing from the past in fact he was oblivious as to where this was heading. We have 3 young children (4,2 & 6months) and its tearing me apart to think of them being brought up by one parent instead of 2 but I just cant see how I can get past this. I keep seeing them together in my mind and its so painful, the thought of him being able to do this and come home to me and hide it is scary. I honestly thought we were the luckiest couple alive as we had it all, now my life is falling apart and Im helpless to stop it :(
He is so sorry and remorseful and says he told this woman he loved me and didnt know why he was doing what he was doing and ended it. What makes the whole thing worse is he told me he wasnt even attracted to her, what?? And when he told me who it was (i had met her in the office a couple of times) I couldnt believe it myself. He says it was the scenario he was tempted by not her, I cant get my head around this! She was very full on and forward and I get that might be an ego boost for a lot of men but to go as far as sleeping with her?
I guess my problem with this is I could perhaps deal with this if he had made a mistake and learned from it and vowed never to allow it to happen again but the fact that he was going down the same road shows me he learned absolutley nothing from the past in fact he was oblivious as to where this was heading. We have 3 young children (4,2 & 6months) and its tearing me apart to think of them being brought up by one parent instead of 2 but I just cant see how I can get past this. I keep seeing them together in my mind and its so painful, the thought of him being able to do this and come home to me and hide it is scary. I honestly thought we were the luckiest couple alive as we had it all, now my life is falling apart and Im helpless to stop it :(
It basically falls on you..I've been through this twice with my ex-husband. The first time I found out cause he left his wallet behind at the Super 8 motel at a town an hour away from our home. By the way I had just found out I was pregnant..he got her pregnant as well. She gave birth 2 mths after I did. Eventually he left her to come back to me. When my little one turned 2 yrs he cheated again..this time I decided to file for divorce. We have 4 kids..sure its hard..very hard...BUT..I decided I deserved lots better. I learned how to value myself as a person..how to have self dignity. I forgave him ones with him having a son from his first affair..it wasn't enough. I just think "You can't teach an old dog new tricks..ones they got their nasty habits they keep their nasty habits" Seek help..but make sure both of you have your heart set on making your marriage work.Best of luck. God bless
I agree with both replies above, and wanted to add that perhaps maybe part of the reason you cannot get past this is because he seems to have a problem accepting responsibility? It sounds a lot like he's placing a lot of "blame" on the other woman...she was forward, she was aggressive, etc etc....I don't care if she walked up to him naked, this was HIS poor choice, no one else's. HE took vows with you, she didn't. I do think that might be part of the issue.
I would recommend both couple's therapy and individual therapy. I hope you're able to get past this, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain!
I would recommend both couple's therapy and individual therapy. I hope you're able to get past this, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Gosh, yes, I too am very sorry to hear this. Devastating when we are cheated on and our trust is betrayed like that.
Some men do go on to be very faithful after making horrible decisions and cheating. IF they want to. However, it is very hard for a person to get over this once they've been cheated on. You have a responsibility too if you do decide to work on the relationship to also try not to punish him for this for the rest of your relationship. You also have to stop the tape running in your head, turn off the pictures, and move past it. Time does dull this. And it hasn't been that long. So, with time, this could get better.
But counseling is often necessary for a couple to truly heal and I think it essential for your husband to understand the WhY's of what he did. What was he getting from it? The thrill? There are some that just want sex and cheat. it's a simple transaction. But this sounds different. He was more turned on by the idea of it and the interaction than the sex. Does he need a lot of attention?
I can't imagine wanting to go out with two toddlers and a baby at home. LOL Whew, like a great night is sitting at home, going to bed early and sleeping when kiddos are that little. But, maybe a date with your partner to see if you can reconnect would help.
I hear you that you want to try to work on it. If so, then work on it. Some couples DO make it past infidelity. Now, that he was doing it again via text is troubling. He seems to need this type of flirtatious chase interaction. he needs to figure this out. But don't think it can't happen.
Now it is raw for you. But you have much to lose by ending the marriage so give it some time to see if he can get it together and be a better, FAITHFUL, HONEST partner and you can forgive him. Time will tell.
I agree that kids want and need two parents in their home. I understand how you feel completely. It would break my heart to have my kids going back and forth between two homes and we all know the troubles kids often have emotionally when parents divorce. But sometimes it is necessary. But I still have hope for you if YOU want to try to recover this relationship.
No one here can tell you to stay or go but instead, you must do what feels right to you. And I know for darn sure, for my kids I'd give it a shot to try to work on it. KNOWING it won't be easy and there is potential for it to fail. To me, it would be worth the risk of trying to heal things for the ultimate retention of the family I had made.
I'm here if you need to talk. Wishing you all the best dear.
Some men do go on to be very faithful after making horrible decisions and cheating. IF they want to. However, it is very hard for a person to get over this once they've been cheated on. You have a responsibility too if you do decide to work on the relationship to also try not to punish him for this for the rest of your relationship. You also have to stop the tape running in your head, turn off the pictures, and move past it. Time does dull this. And it hasn't been that long. So, with time, this could get better.
But counseling is often necessary for a couple to truly heal and I think it essential for your husband to understand the WhY's of what he did. What was he getting from it? The thrill? There are some that just want sex and cheat. it's a simple transaction. But this sounds different. He was more turned on by the idea of it and the interaction than the sex. Does he need a lot of attention?
I can't imagine wanting to go out with two toddlers and a baby at home. LOL Whew, like a great night is sitting at home, going to bed early and sleeping when kiddos are that little. But, maybe a date with your partner to see if you can reconnect would help.
I hear you that you want to try to work on it. If so, then work on it. Some couples DO make it past infidelity. Now, that he was doing it again via text is troubling. He seems to need this type of flirtatious chase interaction. he needs to figure this out. But don't think it can't happen.
Now it is raw for you. But you have much to lose by ending the marriage so give it some time to see if he can get it together and be a better, FAITHFUL, HONEST partner and you can forgive him. Time will tell.
I agree that kids want and need two parents in their home. I understand how you feel completely. It would break my heart to have my kids going back and forth between two homes and we all know the troubles kids often have emotionally when parents divorce. But sometimes it is necessary. But I still have hope for you if YOU want to try to recover this relationship.
No one here can tell you to stay or go but instead, you must do what feels right to you. And I know for darn sure, for my kids I'd give it a shot to try to work on it. KNOWING it won't be easy and there is potential for it to fail. To me, it would be worth the risk of trying to heal things for the ultimate retention of the family I had made.
I'm here if you need to talk. Wishing you all the best dear.
Hi and im so very sorry. Its happened to me twice both times the wife did this so i dont think its limited to men only. There were no children involved which does make mine less of an issue but none the less the pain is intense.
Since hes prone to do this, in my opinion he,ll do it again and i dont blame you for no longer trusting him. Since you cant get the thoughts out of your mind in would ask him to leave the house and take some time to be by yourself to see of being alone helps and i do believe it will. Maybe go out with your friends and meet someone new.
The children will be just fine as im sure the father will still be in their lives.
dave
Since hes prone to do this, in my opinion he,ll do it again and i dont blame you for no longer trusting him. Since you cant get the thoughts out of your mind in would ask him to leave the house and take some time to be by yourself to see of being alone helps and i do believe it will. Maybe go out with your friends and meet someone new.
The children will be just fine as im sure the father will still be in their lives.
dave
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