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Avatar universal

My husband wont have sex with me

Ive, been married to my husband for a little over a year now, but been together for over 3 years.  When we first met, we lived in different cities so we would only see each other on the weekends.  We had amazing sex all weekend long.  We moved into together about a year later.  A year after that we got married.  I did notice before we got married that our sex lifes had lightened up somewhat. But I never dreamt it would end up like this.  We have made love once in the past 7 weeks, and it lasted about 3 mins, and that was almost 3 weeks ago.  Even when we do make love, there is almost no foreplay. I have tried to tell him over and over again how much foreplay is important to me.  He ignores everything I tell him that turns me on. When I ask him why, he says he will save that one for a special time.  What is that suppose to mean? He wont even give me a massage, kiss my neck or shoulders, he barely will even touch my breasts.  I have been the one who initates sex 99% of the time, and out of that, he rejects me 98% of the time.  This is very hurtful to me, and Im at the point where I dont even try anymore because I have been rejected by him over and over.  Im so sexually frustrated, I dont know what to do anymore.  Ive tried dressing up for him, that dosnt work either.  He has also now told me a few months ago that he dosnt want me to give him oral sex anymore, he dosnt want HIS wife doing that.  He use to enjoy it, but now?  He did confess to me after we moved in together, that when he use to come visit me on weekend, he took viagra on his way down before getting to my house. I was pretty upset when I heard this, I kind of felt deceived.  He still does occasionally take a blue pill, sometime it works, most time it doesnt.  We got a dog a few months ago. I feel he cares more about this dogs feelings then mine.  I watch him pet her for hours, and he doesnt even touch me.   Im at the end  of my rope, I dont know who to fix this problem.  I have even suggested some counselling to help us, and his answer was, if we need counselling, we shouldnt have gotten married.  Im tired of feeling rejected, Im tired of crying myself to sleep, I tired of trying to figure out what Im doing wrong.  I love my husband very much, I want this marriage to work.  But how can I continue feeling like this, its so hard to do.  I never agreed to a sexless marriage

This discussion is related to Husband wont have sex with me!!.
18 Responses
Avatar universal
Well one thing really stands out...he would take viagara before seeing you. That is a clear sign that he might have ED and doesn't want to talk about it because he is ashamed. It's not an easy thing to deal with when your penis will not get hard anymore. I am guessing this is more of a medical condition then a lack of love or anything like that.
But he is the only one who can really answer anything for you.

Also why would you feel deceived about a medication he took?
Avatar universal
thank you for your response Vance.  I feel deceived because when he came to see me, we had wild sex all weekend long.  I had no idea that he was taking pills.  It wasnt untill over a year later he told me, and he only told me because I was questioning why our love making had died down so much.  I think he should of told me somehow durning our dating time, not after we moved in together.  I do beleive he might have ED, but that doesnt explain why he wont even touch me!
480448 tn?1426952138
Sure it explains why he won't touch you (if he does indeed have some kind of sexual dysfunction)...he has low self esteem, and is probably very fearful about engaging in activities that will lead to him having to perform.

Most definitely this sounds like an issue he should be discussing with his doctor, and exploring from there.  I would encourage you to be gentle with him and patient.  If indeed he has a sexual dysfunction, he is probably devastated.  He would feel like he's failing you.  Some gentle and honest communication seems long overdue here.

Offer to go along with him to a doctor/therapist...wherever he would end up needing to go to look into this...and be understanding if perhaps he doesn't want you to go along...right now, anyway.

Best of luck.
Avatar universal
Well if he will not touch you because he knows that he can't give you everything you want/need. I don't have ED but have heard that it is a very tough problem for some men. They deny they have an issue, they don't want to do anything sexually because they feel inferior to other men and know they can't satisy a woman. And they don't want to talk about it.

You need to approach him very gently and soft and explain that you only want to help him. Don't talk about how you want or need anything, make him the focal point and not your needs. If that doesn't work then you can bring in your needs and desires.
Avatar universal
thank you very much for the comments.  I never looked at it this way. It does make sense now.  I will definately will be trying these suggestions
3149845 tn?1506631371
Since we are on the subject of the blue pills you might want to find out where he got them. This is a prescribed medication for those men with erectile dysfunction. If he got these from the street and took them for a prolonged period of time he could be experiencing some side effects from drug abuse. I worked with a guy who took these when he was out partying for about 2 years and he ended up with some very big sexual issues after and even effected his mental state of mind.
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