Aa
Dont judge me help me
I am a 22 year old male. I have been married for almost three years. My wife is a wonderful person. For some time now we both have been dishonest to each other. I have stepped out of our relationship with three women. over the course of six years. My wife has been very flirtatious and has lied to me countless times. At this point in life I'm very hurt. I tried my hardest not to fall to temptation and I did. I haven't cheated on her in a year and some months.
Before i continue. we got married so I wouldn't lose my custody of my son. I joined the Armed service. Now over the weekend i don't know what came over me.I BROKE DOWN and gave her a confession. I put everything on the line. I Only confessed because i felt like it was time to make a decision on whether or not i wanted to be with her. I love this woman and i don't want to lose her but i know its to late. we are both giving each other space. There is a possibility she may be pregnant. I honestly don't know what to do but pray.
I confronted her about her lying and flirting. Only because i want to fix things. I want to show her I was young when I made these dumb decisions. I really was like 16-17 years of age when i had my first infidelity. After my last one i started to realize if i push all the bs to the side we could work it out. Having told her what I did really destroyed her. I know what I did was wrong. It took some time to come clean. I do want her. in my heart I want to give her my all.
I told her even while intimate with the other they never got my love. she has all my love. I don't know what to do. I Felt suicidal at one point. but we have a son so i mean something to someone long enough not to discontinue living but im stuck, lost and confused.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??
I feel like i have to leave her. I cant allow her to take a scum bag like me. even though im still growing and looking to continue on my change. I feel like i have to be alone for the rest of my life.
Before i continue. we got married so I wouldn't lose my custody of my son. I joined the Armed service. Now over the weekend i don't know what came over me.I BROKE DOWN and gave her a confession. I put everything on the line. I Only confessed because i felt like it was time to make a decision on whether or not i wanted to be with her. I love this woman and i don't want to lose her but i know its to late. we are both giving each other space. There is a possibility she may be pregnant. I honestly don't know what to do but pray.
I confronted her about her lying and flirting. Only because i want to fix things. I want to show her I was young when I made these dumb decisions. I really was like 16-17 years of age when i had my first infidelity. After my last one i started to realize if i push all the bs to the side we could work it out. Having told her what I did really destroyed her. I know what I did was wrong. It took some time to come clean. I do want her. in my heart I want to give her my all.
I told her even while intimate with the other they never got my love. she has all my love. I don't know what to do. I Felt suicidal at one point. but we have a son so i mean something to someone long enough not to discontinue living but im stuck, lost and confused.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??
I feel like i have to leave her. I cant allow her to take a scum bag like me. even though im still growing and looking to continue on my change. I feel like i have to be alone for the rest of my life.
Personally, I don't condone infidelity and flirting because one is "young". You were/are old enough to know right from wrong and You made choices.. You "chose" to cheat - it's not an "affliction" that "happens" to us without our "permission.
If You now want to "correct" Your wrong(s) then You should hold YourSelf accountable for wrong doing and not look for "excuses" why You cheated. You don't "justify" Your wrong by saying "well, She flirted and sexted". Our bac choices belong to us; we cannot blame others for our deeds. It's good that You feel "shameful" as Your behavior earns feeling that way. I would be (more) worried if You didn't feel shame and remorse for what You have done. This is "fixable" but it requires You and Her to devote YourSelves to mending (repairing) all this. You have a Child (possibly two?) depending on You to make a good Family for Them.
Good Luck
If You now want to "correct" Your wrong(s) then You should hold YourSelf accountable for wrong doing and not look for "excuses" why You cheated. You don't "justify" Your wrong by saying "well, She flirted and sexted". Our bac choices belong to us; we cannot blame others for our deeds. It's good that You feel "shameful" as Your behavior earns feeling that way. I would be (more) worried if You didn't feel shame and remorse for what You have done. This is "fixable" but it requires You and Her to devote YourSelves to mending (repairing) all this. You have a Child (possibly two?) depending on You to make a good Family for Them.
Good Luck
I feel bad. Like I don't know how to stay with someone I hurt. She is willing to take me back. I don't understand her love. I just feel like I don't deserve her.
I know life is surely confusing. I'm just trying to fight my emotions. I don't want to give up on this beautiful woman I have. But my heart hurts knowing I hurt her. It's my pain which is making it hard for us.
Hi NewEngland love.
Life can be very confusing sometimes. So many options and so many learning experiences. All we can do as humans is try to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them.
Giving of oneself to another is not easy as we are giving part of our selves away as often times are tempted to get it back.
Life can be very confusing sometimes. So many options and so many learning experiences. All we can do as humans is try to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them.
Giving of oneself to another is not easy as we are giving part of our selves away as often times are tempted to get it back.
Also my physical cheating is bad yea I know. But flirting is also bad when you add lying and sexting along with that. If you lie about something small how can I believe you won't lie about something big.
Your words weren't harsh. You over looked the main point. Our relationship has been garbage. As young as we were trying to be committed was tough. Hell having a child at 17 was even tough on both of us. So don't say I'm trying to find a way out. I want to fix this. I just feel so shameful. I feel like I should be exiled... But I realize it's my past and I'm trying to change. I just need some reassuring word. I don't have many people I talk to. I don't have a father figure to express myself to. I can't tell my mother she thinks it's all good over where I live. So I turned to other who could be helpful. You don't know me personally. So I have no problem telling you my problem.
Thank you also.
I just want to make it up to her. I have been living wreck less for sometime now. I grew up fatherless and now I want to be the best dad and husband ever. I don't want to look back at the past and say well. That's your life from now on I want to make a great turn around.
I just want to make it up to her. I have been living wreck less for sometime now. I grew up fatherless and now I want to be the best dad and husband ever. I don't want to look back at the past and say well. That's your life from now on I want to make a great turn around.
Thank you for reading and having such an open mind to my problem. I've asked her what does she want to do. She stated she is going to stay. I just feel so bad. It's like disrespecting my mother.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Agree that you shouldn't leave her. First of all, you two got together when you were in your teens. Of course you stepped out . . . you probably shouldn't have been so serious at the age of 16 to 17 anyway! I don't think a teen is really prepared to handle a committed, adult relationship at that age. You were not yet married. Please don't beat yourself up about that. Once you married and cheated, then yes. That is wrong as it gets.
But hurting her further by being the one to decide to leave isn't the answer. Try to be a good husband from now on. That is how you make up for your past. good luck
But hurting her further by being the one to decide to leave isn't the answer. Try to be a good husband from now on. That is how you make up for your past. good luck
You've done enough, don't leave her. Let her decide what SHE wants and go to counseling together to make the solution work. I know you feel lost in shame and just want to run away, but that would be cowardly and would hurt your child. She is going to figure out what she wants to do. Let her work her way to that.
Oh boy. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm going to be honest with you, and it may be a bit harsh..I'm not judging you, but I'm not going to sugar coat things either.
First, you compare multiple sexual affairs with "flirting". Apples and oranges. I personally think you're trying to make yourself feel better about your own indiscretions by making a big deal out of her being flirty, as if she is in the same league as you, infidelity wise. I would strongly disagree. If you had issues with her flirting, that's fine, then you should have addressed it with her, but not use it as ammo, or as an opportunity to compare bad behavior. "Yes, I had sex with multiple women while we were married, but you're a big flirt, so I'm wounded too". Do you see how that looks?
Second, you felt the need to unload on her WHILE she might be pregnant after all of this time? I have a sneaking suspicion you "came clean" with her for the reason most people who have cheated do...to unburden themselves. I think the argument "she had a right to know" loses something when a person has waited this long to say something and be honest about it. It almost sounds as though you're trying to force her hand in ending the marriage...is that true? Do YOU want out? Because if that's true, don't mess with her or play games, just get out. It's not fair to try to turn things around and make the ending of a marriage someone else's decision, when it really wasn't.
"I feel like i have to leave her. I cant allow her to take a scum bag like me. even though im still growing and looking to continue on my change. I feel like i have to be alone for the rest of my life. ."
I really just think you are done with the marriage, but with all due respect, cannot find the you-know-whats to own it and be honest about it. You're saying you're not worthy, you deserve to be alone, etc etc. Sorry, but that's a bit melodramatic.
You're married with children who depend on you both, not to mention another one very possibly on the way. Because of the kids, you need to be making adult decisions, thinking this through, and working as a team to decide if the marriage will work or not. Sounds like she's already been very forgiving...and now you've put her in an impossible position by unloading all of your dirty little secrets on her, probably while she's fully aware that the ship is sinking anyway. I'm sorry, but I think that was HORRIBLY selfish. To add that she may be expecting takes it to a whole different level.
You very much downplay why you got married. Maybe it wasn't for all of the "right" reasons, but you made that decision anyway, and now you're looking for an out, after you have destroyed her trust in you, and probably not done much to work on fixing that. Have you guys done ANY work on the marriage? Attending couples therapy? Anything? Marriage isn't easy and takes work. People who make a vow to each other and ESPECIALLY when children are involved have a responsibility to at least TRY to figure things out. I'm sensing there's no part of you that's interested in that.
"I told her even while intimate with the other they never got my love. she has all my love."
Yikes. You REALLY said that to her? That's about the most hurtful thing you could have said. You drop this huge awful, life shattering bomb on her, but then try to what?...reassure her that SHE is the lucky one because the other 3 women didn't have your "love"? Oh my. I don't think your wife has your love either, frankly. I think YOU are the only one who has that. You saying that to her minimizes the severity of what you did, and puts this back on your wife...just SO not right.
I think you OWE it to your wife to be 100% honest with her and yourself about what's going on. If you have NO desire to be in this marriage, then let her go..come up with a plan to co-parent the kids, because you will be connected to her for eternity by the kids...so you must remain mature and be willing to always put the kids first....but just get out. Be prepared for a nasty fall out, especially if you DO decide you're done and do the right thing and leave her...she's going to likely be mad, hurt, and maybe even a little vindictive. Who would blame her? I'm not saying you're 100% responsible for every issue in your marriage, that's seldom the case, but I think from what you've said here, you aren't owning up to the horribly terrible decisions you have made, OR the seeming complacency to work on those issues.
I'm not really sure what other advice to give you, except to "man up" a little. Even in your post...it's laced with excuses and drama, and self-pity, you try to appear as though you're taking responsibility, but in the next breath, write something that totally puts everything back in your wife's court.
Telling her about the affairs is a decision you should have made after some LONG and HARD thinking, preferrably after talking to a professional too. It's NOT always the right thing to do. I think that personally it was NOT the right thing to do for the reasons I already mentioned...and I maintain that you did it to unburden yourself, and to try to push her into having enough. I think if that's the case, you will probably succeed, because you've put more than any spouse should have to bear on her shoulders.
I just hope you do the right thing from here on out. Sounds like your heart was never in this marriage, and sounds like more than ever you're looking for any door to open to give you an out. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
I know my words are a bit harsh, but I think you need to hear the harsh reality of what's coming accross in your own description of events. One of the BEST things you can do to try to "fix" this mess, however you decide to do that, is to own what you did, and admit that you handled this terribly.
Good luck to you.
First, you compare multiple sexual affairs with "flirting". Apples and oranges. I personally think you're trying to make yourself feel better about your own indiscretions by making a big deal out of her being flirty, as if she is in the same league as you, infidelity wise. I would strongly disagree. If you had issues with her flirting, that's fine, then you should have addressed it with her, but not use it as ammo, or as an opportunity to compare bad behavior. "Yes, I had sex with multiple women while we were married, but you're a big flirt, so I'm wounded too". Do you see how that looks?
Second, you felt the need to unload on her WHILE she might be pregnant after all of this time? I have a sneaking suspicion you "came clean" with her for the reason most people who have cheated do...to unburden themselves. I think the argument "she had a right to know" loses something when a person has waited this long to say something and be honest about it. It almost sounds as though you're trying to force her hand in ending the marriage...is that true? Do YOU want out? Because if that's true, don't mess with her or play games, just get out. It's not fair to try to turn things around and make the ending of a marriage someone else's decision, when it really wasn't.
"I feel like i have to leave her. I cant allow her to take a scum bag like me. even though im still growing and looking to continue on my change. I feel like i have to be alone for the rest of my life. ."
I really just think you are done with the marriage, but with all due respect, cannot find the you-know-whats to own it and be honest about it. You're saying you're not worthy, you deserve to be alone, etc etc. Sorry, but that's a bit melodramatic.
You're married with children who depend on you both, not to mention another one very possibly on the way. Because of the kids, you need to be making adult decisions, thinking this through, and working as a team to decide if the marriage will work or not. Sounds like she's already been very forgiving...and now you've put her in an impossible position by unloading all of your dirty little secrets on her, probably while she's fully aware that the ship is sinking anyway. I'm sorry, but I think that was HORRIBLY selfish. To add that she may be expecting takes it to a whole different level.
You very much downplay why you got married. Maybe it wasn't for all of the "right" reasons, but you made that decision anyway, and now you're looking for an out, after you have destroyed her trust in you, and probably not done much to work on fixing that. Have you guys done ANY work on the marriage? Attending couples therapy? Anything? Marriage isn't easy and takes work. People who make a vow to each other and ESPECIALLY when children are involved have a responsibility to at least TRY to figure things out. I'm sensing there's no part of you that's interested in that.
"I told her even while intimate with the other they never got my love. she has all my love."
Yikes. You REALLY said that to her? That's about the most hurtful thing you could have said. You drop this huge awful, life shattering bomb on her, but then try to what?...reassure her that SHE is the lucky one because the other 3 women didn't have your "love"? Oh my. I don't think your wife has your love either, frankly. I think YOU are the only one who has that. You saying that to her minimizes the severity of what you did, and puts this back on your wife...just SO not right.
I think you OWE it to your wife to be 100% honest with her and yourself about what's going on. If you have NO desire to be in this marriage, then let her go..come up with a plan to co-parent the kids, because you will be connected to her for eternity by the kids...so you must remain mature and be willing to always put the kids first....but just get out. Be prepared for a nasty fall out, especially if you DO decide you're done and do the right thing and leave her...she's going to likely be mad, hurt, and maybe even a little vindictive. Who would blame her? I'm not saying you're 100% responsible for every issue in your marriage, that's seldom the case, but I think from what you've said here, you aren't owning up to the horribly terrible decisions you have made, OR the seeming complacency to work on those issues.
I'm not really sure what other advice to give you, except to "man up" a little. Even in your post...it's laced with excuses and drama, and self-pity, you try to appear as though you're taking responsibility, but in the next breath, write something that totally puts everything back in your wife's court.
Telling her about the affairs is a decision you should have made after some LONG and HARD thinking, preferrably after talking to a professional too. It's NOT always the right thing to do. I think that personally it was NOT the right thing to do for the reasons I already mentioned...and I maintain that you did it to unburden yourself, and to try to push her into having enough. I think if that's the case, you will probably succeed, because you've put more than any spouse should have to bear on her shoulders.
I just hope you do the right thing from here on out. Sounds like your heart was never in this marriage, and sounds like more than ever you're looking for any door to open to give you an out. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
I know my words are a bit harsh, but I think you need to hear the harsh reality of what's coming accross in your own description of events. One of the BEST things you can do to try to "fix" this mess, however you decide to do that, is to own what you did, and admit that you handled this terribly.
Good luck to you.
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