My son and daughter-in-law hate me

[Lizzytish1313]

It's been two years. I've left them alone. I only called once to ask how they were and ended the conversation before it could turn to me for fear I'd start crying. See, if I start crying, he accuses me of drama, so I can't TALK to him about anything except how well THEY are doing in their new jobs and in their new location. I question my motives. Do I want them to acknowledge how horribly they've treated me? Yeah, sure, but that's not a good reason to try and reconnect. I am deeply hurt to be sure. Maybe I should forget I bred, bore, and raised this man and saw to his every need and to his education and supported him in ALL things. He had a computer when I wouldn't spare the money to buy one for myself; when he needed a car and I couldn't buy one for him, I gave him MY car and I bumped around in an antique pickup truck. I am so hurt that I don't know how to live these last years out ... I can't seem to forget and move on hard as I try. I busy myself, and I do have some friends, but I'm an inner mess one heartbeat at a time away from tears. Can anyone offer advice? How do I live like this?

[specialmom]

We aren't in someone else's head so it is impossible to know intent.  I believe everyone here was trying to help.  Good luck to you

[Lizzytish1313]

I just look at intent. I ask myself, "what is this person's goal in "taking the time" to answer a post from a stranger who's in pain. Some people feel a perverse need to pile on. I don't understand it, but I have experienced people both here and in other walks of life who, at depth, have no interest whatsoever in others and are seeking some selfish catharsis. You may or may not agree that this is true, but I think it's observably true. I will post hereafter in the grief and loss community where EVERYBODY is ridiculously fragile. Hey, and thank you for sharing.

[Dee1956]

Hey there! I hope you are enjoying your granddaughters visit and can come back to tell us.
It is very special that they are coming to visit and I am happy for you
Dee

[specialmom]

It is important to remember that this is a public forum.  People help in their own ways and sometimes it is what someone wants to hear and sometimes it is not.  If someone is so vulnerable that a simple post that was written by a stranger taking the time to help in their own way with good intentions can cause them great pain because of whatever else is going on in their life, it might not be a good setting for them.  

I'm glad to help when I can but it is a bit like walking on egg shells when someone may have such a bad reaction to things or take it so personally.  

I hope you have a wonderful time with your granddaughter.  That is very special that she is coming to visit you and I' sure it is bittersweet as well as you'd like to spend more time with her.  May all go well.  peace

[Lizzytish1313]

I don't know about that ... whether he feels bad about the accident with their dog or not. She's dismissive. She feels that since she wasn't there with my son and me when I was injured, she bears no responsibility. And before people start jumping on me, this was not part of a discussion regarding her taking responsibility for the injury, this she offered of her own volition. I have NEVER said that it was her fault or tried to guilt either of them about my leg.

And I hate that I have to be concerned that somebody's going to jump me out here and create more pain and angst for me.

But, yeah, I think there is a distinct possibility that my daughter-in-law is feeling guilty and defensive. She is not in touch with her feelings at all in my experience with her. She's is a very complex person, but that complexity doesn't translate into self-criticism or self-examination. Their relationship is certainly a closed system, but that doesn't mean the quality and depth of communication is there. BTW, I don't think it is there.
PS I will check out the grief and loss community.
PPS Dee, thanks for the compassion, and my granddaughter WILL see tears of joy, there's no way around that, and her mom's been alerted to how very fragile I am, so we won't discuss my "troubles" in front of my granddaughter. We may crack a bottle of Merlot after my 9 year old's bedtime and have a good cry, but I'm always afraid that the tears won't abate once surrendered to.

[Dee1956]

Thinking about your situation, is it possible that your son feels bad that you were hurt?...doesn't know how to handle or articulate that?
The wife may be feeling guilty and defensive at the same time.  In that case they are misunderstanding you?
Just a thought, people are funny and complicated.

There is a forum on grief and loss if you might be interested.  Or you could look at the top of this page under Communities and see if there are any additional forums where you might be able to give or receive comfort, advice

Good luck