Narcissistic Abuse

[DumbDecisions2017]

I entered into a sexual relationship with a narcissistic coworker when I was suffering from HOCD.  I did not handle the illness well and agreed to the situation only to discover my sexuality. I had no previous sexual experience and this was a coworker who pretended to be a friend. Actually, I never trusted him but when the HOCD set it, it blinded me and the only thing I wanted was to feel like my old self.  Needless to say, I made some horrible decisions while mentally ill.

I'm better now in terms of the HOCD and now I am appalled by what I did and allowed.  I feel ashamed, disgusted and enraged.  I now understand he was a narcissist who sexually harassed me at work and may have filmed some encounters in secret and most likely told others for an ego boost.  I didn't enjoy anything I was doing and only did it to feel straight or not like the gay pervert my mind told me I was (I have no problem with homosexuality but this was something else from preverse thoughts of my mother to the fear that I would sexually abuse a daughter if I ever had one). So, in hindsight I ruined my life for  nothing. I didn't enjoy the sex activity, I wasn't in love, I put my health and job in jeopardy and I cannot understand for the life of me why I did all of that. I feel stupid, disgusted, damaged and humiliated.  It makes absolutely no sense at all. I don't understand how I ever thought any of it was ok.

I have no idea how to recover from this. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I will date again (disgusted with myself), I worry every day about my family finding out and the existence of a video.  I think about the degrading crap every single day. I don't even know why Im writing this because nothing will help. I look forward to death and the only reason I haven't ended my life is because of my family. I went from 0 to negative infinity in a few minutes of a bad decision. It all seems so unfair and impossible to handle.

[auntiejessi]

First, even though you did it with snark (understandably), I'm glad you bumped your question up. I'm sorry you dated a narc. It's a lousy experience, but it's definitely a learning one, and you can be better for it after. Stronger, for sure.

I would caution you to be careful with the words you choose. Everything is an extreme - you feel like you "ruined" your life, you feel "ashamed, disgusted and enraged". You think you put  your "health and job in jeopardy and I cannot understand for the life of me why I did all of that. I feel stupid, disgusted, damaged and humiliated".

I say that because those are all really extreme reactions - specialmom uses the word "catastrophes", and if you haven't talked with a therapist about thinking distortions, definitely do that. Catastrophic thinking is one of them. Your life isn't ruined, your health is fine. You had some experiences that have been traumatizing, but you came out on the other side, stronger and smarter.

Why can't it be that you were in a bad place, made a questionable decision and ignored some red flags (and haven't we all at times), but realized how lousy this guy was and got out of it? Now you know not to do that, and know that boundaries are important.

You're good now. Revenge porn is illegal. If he releases anything, it might be hurtful for you for awhile, but you're stronger than you know - you've come this far, right? - but he can go to prison. He may be cruel, but I bet he isn't stupid.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry!  It's summer in the states and things get hectic.  This must have dropped lower before I saw it.  Apologies in the delay of response.   I think a bad relationship with the wrong person can be had by anyone so your reasons for entering it and the HOCD don't really make any difference.  When we have a hard time getting over a relationship, therapy is often beneficial.  Examining things like why we can't let it go.  Why got into it in the first place.  How we'll make sure not to repeat are all important.  You probably should not date again until you are in a better place emotionally and more clear.  Not fair to anyone you'd try and date to bring them into your confusion and distress now as you may not be fully yourself to give to the relationship.  Something that anxiety does, by the way, is make things that others can deal with a little better or keep into perspective and makes them HUGE.  Catastrophes.  You certainly haven't ruined your life over this.  Work romance can always go bad and that is why it's often a good rule of thumb not to mix personal romance with the work environment.  But live in learn.  I've had many relationships that really felt terrible when over and I did a lot of beating up of self . . . but I've realized years later that every person and experience you encounter teachers you things.  Life experience.  You'll know better next time, right?  

But consider therapy and talking to your doctor.  I think it would help you.

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you urgently need to talk to someone because you are experiencing severe anxiety and pressure, please reach out to a mental health professional rather than relying on online forums for that level of support.  As you know, the vast majority of questions posted in our forums receive responses, but we cannot guarantee that members will have words of advice for every situation.   Here in our relationships forum, members often call on personal experience when offering advice, and if no one has had a similar experience, they may be unable to address your specific situation.

[DumbDecisions2017]

Thank goodness I wasn't desperate for a response to relieve deep anxiety and pressue lol.  Oh well...