Avatar universal

Need Advice

I need some advice and what should i do.

I have been seeing this one girl and about a few weeks ago I manned up and told her how I feel about her and she also feels the exact same way as I do, we sat down and talked about it. It took me a while to tell her this but she did know i was in love with her ( think i made it obvious). This is great news for me and for her as we both are in love with each other and this is a new start for us. She said that i really make her happy and i am very special to her as the type person i am and how i am to her. She also told some family members, work members and even her ex knows of me.

A few days later I saw on her Facebook she updated her profile pic to a photo she took of her and her ex (just a normal photo, looks like it was a family event). I really really like this girl but it seems this ex is going to be in the way, he still visit her and talks to her and i don't even want to know what they are doing together when he is at her (I always think in the worst case, any guy will think about that). I understand that he was a big deal in her life and all and I respect that and I don't expect her to get rid  of him but whatever he did for her when they were together she maybe wants to build up a friendship relationship than a romantic relationship, I don't know...

Also the one time she posted something on his Facebook wall saying he is her only love etc but it is really getting to me... the only thing that prevents me from telling to her F%$ off and break everything off is that I trust her.... everything that she has done for me, everything she will do for me, all the things we did together so far, that she accepts me for who and what i am and I just appreciated that about her so so much.

I talked to her about this and she said that i have nothing to worry about as there is nothing between them, they have moved on and she will never lie to me, hide things away from me or lead on me (She will never lead on me, she is not that person and I believe her). She said that they are still close as he was a big deal in her life. She will always love him but she does not want him back, he cheated on her. She told me that she is not ready for a long term relationship as me and her have every bad past relationship break ups, trust issues and major baggage. But everything she told me, how she feels and what I mean to her she means it and she wants to be with me but only later, we need to take things slow.

I agree with her as we need to take it slow and do it right but i am scared for this ex, what if something happens and they are back together... I am going to feel like i was being used you know... I need so advice on how should handle this, I am not going to screw this up between me and her...
9 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
Welcome to Medhelp. Your bottom line is clear. You want to stay in a relationship that is hard for you to bare. And so, you must simply bare the stress. As it is highly stressful for you, and you and the girl have said you want to take things really slow, if you're not doing so already, I suggest that you join a group or two, The gym, the YMCA pool, doing some volunteer work. etc. While you're taking it slow with this girl, keep busy doing things that look good on paper, to get you the best job, take an extra college course, a hobby of interest to you. If there are girls that you meet along the way, make friends with them. Make friends of both sexes. She wants to be able to have male friends, so you go ahead and talk to other girls. Don't be exclusive, be inclusive with your social life. Don't spend all of your free time with this girl. Let her know , and for your own good, be very independent, and spend quality time with her, when you do see her.

How often do you see this girl? How often does she see her ex?
3060903 tn?1398565123
Also, could you tell us how old you both are? Personally, I would look elsewhere for a partner. I would probably take it slow, but be on the look out and i would make friends with the opposite sex and probably end up dating one of them, that wasn't so into taking it "slow" while conversing with their "ex". Sounds like you may want a partnership to move a littler quicker than her. That means that it may be that you are both incompatible, now or in the future.
134578 tn?1614729226
You sound relatively grounded for someone who has had breakups, trust issues and major baggage.  I think taking it slowly in this circumstance sounds like a very good idea.  If I were you I would talk to a counselor or therapist, and work out how much you need this girl to ease her ex out of her life and whether you can stand it if she will not, and then work out a good, solid demeanor and approach to the relaitonship.  Be happy she is in your life!  

She is probably dealing with some feelings of incompleteness over that past relationship -- that always happens when a person is the one who gets dumped instead of the one who does the dumping.  It is quite possible that those feelings don't extend as far as wanting him back, they often just tend to be more like wanting him to be sorry.  But if she thinks it over, she will probably be able to realize that it really wasn't that great of a relationship anyway, by the time he cheated.  And then there will you be, looking like Mr. Solid.  You won't cheat, you won't get insecure, you are happy and loving, this makes you look like money from home.  At least, that should be your demeanor, and get yourself to believe it too.  There is nothing wrong with being trusting, even if sometimes you get disappointed.  It's better than not trusting.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I love what AnnieBrooke has shared !!!! So true. Mr Reliable Mr Can Love You and Only You, is very appealing to one dealing with the rejection of one that is not SOLID..BEING SOLID RULES!!!! ~ Best of luck with everything, we'll be here for you through out. It's nice not to be alone with all of this.!! AND YOU'RE NOT ALONE..
Avatar universal
shes 24 and I'm 26 and i wish there was a way that  i could make you understand how things are between us, you will see that she is not like any other girl...
Avatar universal
That is what i am doing, trying to see her more, in the beginning we barely saw each other but we spent and still do, spend a lot of time talking to each other over Skype, talking to her over the phone at least 1-2 hours a day. Now we see each other a lot more, i think he sees her more. The difference is he lives close to her and I don't.
Avatar universal
Do you feel that you two have a connection? If her ex is visiting more often than you, that's a big problem. Why does it matter if he lives closer, you are a grown man, you can go to her house without any complaints. It doesn't matter who lives closer than who, it's who she wants to be with. You don't need someone her trying to keep you around in case her ex pisses her off again. I hate to sound so mean to you but you need to wake up and find someone who doesn't have baggage and ******** with her. And someone who actually, truly wants to be with you.
Avatar universal
If she really likes you and wants a future with you then she has to respect you and let go of her ex! Seems like you're her back up plan while she's waiting to get back with her ex. Just remember the age old quote: never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option! So let her know how you feel about her still mingling with her ex. If she can't do that for you, then you should move on because she clearly still has feelings for him!
or "it's just too soon for you to move on from your ex, it seems to me" ..."maybe you need more time" and mean it." We're in different places. I want commitment, you obviously are not ready. " That's how i'd handle it i think .

Just a couple few years age difference can mess things up, it'  all about timing really. Why not suggest an "open" relationship and see how that works for her? Often a person is not able to truly understand how another feels, unless they themselves are faced feeling the same thing. Maybe it will wake her up if she considers you dating another girl? You don't have to be mean ,to suggest an open relationship, in a way, that's what she' doing insisting on spending so much time, or being best friends with her ex. who she didn't want tot break up with in the first place.

15394896 tn?1468594627
so do love her so much  ..so that she can never think of her ex!!never ever]
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