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No Sex Life = Hurt and Rejected
I wouldn't exactly say that I have a question, but more that I'm looking for advice. The story might be a little long-winded, so I'll apologise in advance.
I've been with my fiance for coming up to three years. During the first 3 months of our relationship, everything was magical. We had a fantastic sex life--adventurous, fun and free--and I thought I'd found my Mr Right. Our sex life has never been dull or boring. Obviously I realise that people say that this time during a relationship is a 'honeymoon period' but even now, with so much time to reflect, I don't believe it was: it was like we belonged together.
However, I moved in with him and everything began to fall apart. I uncovered a drug addiction which has basically destroyed our relationship. Probably the worst thing to me is the fact that, since around April 2008, we have had sex an average of twice a month. The past 6 months, however, it's been more like once a month. At this point in time, it's been 5 weeks since the last time we were intimate.
When I say I've tried everything, I have. I've heard every excuse/reason under the sun: being tired, poorly, stressed, not in the mood, just eaten, hungry, want to watch TV, not got time, etc. All of this has resulted in me feeling so hurt I can't even put it into words.
I have never, during our entire relationship, rejected my partner when it comes to sex. As far as I'm concerned, I love making love to him, he's insanely attractive, and I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. But him... it's the complete reverse. It seems to be that, when he's in the mood, he'll get it; when I'm in the mood and try to initiate something, it just doesn't work.
Obviously, I've tried to discuss this problem with my partner. I've tried to explain how it makes me feel, but he gets defensive and it just makes the conversation impossible. I've explained how desperate I feel; unloved, unattractive, unwanted. I have zero self-esteem and confidence. It's completely gone. My fiance has given me so many reasons for this situation, i.e. all of the aforementioned excuses, but nothing ever changes. It is the same cycle of going to bed alone, experiencing no physical affection, and subsequently feeling completely emotionally abused. It's just awful. To make matters worse--and as anyone who's been in this situation knows--when trying to approach this issue, I will be told off for 'harping on' about the issue, thereby pressuring him. I find it completely unfair that I'm being put in a situation like this, being hurt by it, but told I'm pressuring or nagging him if I raise the problem and tell him quite how horrendous it's making me feel.
Of course, I realise that sex is not everything, but it means a lot to me, especially because it was so amazing for us in the beginning; it defined us. But I can't continue like this. It's not only the physical side of it; it's the emotional side, how rejected, hurt and unwanted I feel, and the damage it's doing to me on a mental level.
This is killing me. I cry all the time; this loneliness is tearing me up inside. I've spoken to my mum and sister about this problem; both of them tell me I'm not asking for much and they don't know how I'm dealing with it. I'm only 27 and, whilst I'm not saying it's fine for older people to go through this (which it isn't), I just feel that I shouldn't be living in a sexless, affectionless relationship, with a man who really doesn't seem to want to make this pain go away.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm literally at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do.
I've been with my fiance for coming up to three years. During the first 3 months of our relationship, everything was magical. We had a fantastic sex life--adventurous, fun and free--and I thought I'd found my Mr Right. Our sex life has never been dull or boring. Obviously I realise that people say that this time during a relationship is a 'honeymoon period' but even now, with so much time to reflect, I don't believe it was: it was like we belonged together.
However, I moved in with him and everything began to fall apart. I uncovered a drug addiction which has basically destroyed our relationship. Probably the worst thing to me is the fact that, since around April 2008, we have had sex an average of twice a month. The past 6 months, however, it's been more like once a month. At this point in time, it's been 5 weeks since the last time we were intimate.
When I say I've tried everything, I have. I've heard every excuse/reason under the sun: being tired, poorly, stressed, not in the mood, just eaten, hungry, want to watch TV, not got time, etc. All of this has resulted in me feeling so hurt I can't even put it into words.
I have never, during our entire relationship, rejected my partner when it comes to sex. As far as I'm concerned, I love making love to him, he's insanely attractive, and I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. But him... it's the complete reverse. It seems to be that, when he's in the mood, he'll get it; when I'm in the mood and try to initiate something, it just doesn't work.
Obviously, I've tried to discuss this problem with my partner. I've tried to explain how it makes me feel, but he gets defensive and it just makes the conversation impossible. I've explained how desperate I feel; unloved, unattractive, unwanted. I have zero self-esteem and confidence. It's completely gone. My fiance has given me so many reasons for this situation, i.e. all of the aforementioned excuses, but nothing ever changes. It is the same cycle of going to bed alone, experiencing no physical affection, and subsequently feeling completely emotionally abused. It's just awful. To make matters worse--and as anyone who's been in this situation knows--when trying to approach this issue, I will be told off for 'harping on' about the issue, thereby pressuring him. I find it completely unfair that I'm being put in a situation like this, being hurt by it, but told I'm pressuring or nagging him if I raise the problem and tell him quite how horrendous it's making me feel.
Of course, I realise that sex is not everything, but it means a lot to me, especially because it was so amazing for us in the beginning; it defined us. But I can't continue like this. It's not only the physical side of it; it's the emotional side, how rejected, hurt and unwanted I feel, and the damage it's doing to me on a mental level.
This is killing me. I cry all the time; this loneliness is tearing me up inside. I've spoken to my mum and sister about this problem; both of them tell me I'm not asking for much and they don't know how I'm dealing with it. I'm only 27 and, whilst I'm not saying it's fine for older people to go through this (which it isn't), I just feel that I shouldn't be living in a sexless, affectionless relationship, with a man who really doesn't seem to want to make this pain go away.
Does anyone have any advice? I'm literally at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do.
Best Answer
I agree very much with specialmom. You have to look at his drug addictions before you consider any of your other problems.
Being a drug abuser Can severely limit his libido, for one, two, make him excell in ditching out on his responsibilities or anything in his life that requires his attention. If he doesnt work on recovery, you wont be able to fix any of your relationship problems. And if you arent important enough to him for you two to communicate about these things and solve them, it should be easier to turn away.
Being that i've been in a relationship with a drug user, in my opinion, right now your doing two things by asking for advice. looking for others opinions on why you should leave, because you know you should, you just cant bring yourself to (maybe guilt of some kind? when you date an addict, somehow you end up guilting yourself for a lot) or searching for some reason, an excuse, to stay. But with this crowd, i dont think you'll find any. Just a lot of people who've been through it, or close enough to it, to know you need to run like hell and never turn back.
sex is secondary. Communication failure, Drugs, and your ability to induce selfhate from his being a screw up, are your biggest problems. Dont get down on yourself because you got fooled into thinking you found prince charming. People who hide their drug addictions are Amazing at manipulating people and breaking them down into former shells of themselves. Dont wind up a mess just because some druggie Toad of a prince cant pry himself away from the tv or the junk to remind you of how awesome you are. Remind yourself. As you walk out the door.
Being a drug abuser Can severely limit his libido, for one, two, make him excell in ditching out on his responsibilities or anything in his life that requires his attention. If he doesnt work on recovery, you wont be able to fix any of your relationship problems. And if you arent important enough to him for you two to communicate about these things and solve them, it should be easier to turn away.
Being that i've been in a relationship with a drug user, in my opinion, right now your doing two things by asking for advice. looking for others opinions on why you should leave, because you know you should, you just cant bring yourself to (maybe guilt of some kind? when you date an addict, somehow you end up guilting yourself for a lot) or searching for some reason, an excuse, to stay. But with this crowd, i dont think you'll find any. Just a lot of people who've been through it, or close enough to it, to know you need to run like hell and never turn back.
sex is secondary. Communication failure, Drugs, and your ability to induce selfhate from his being a screw up, are your biggest problems. Dont get down on yourself because you got fooled into thinking you found prince charming. People who hide their drug addictions are Amazing at manipulating people and breaking them down into former shells of themselves. Dont wind up a mess just because some druggie Toad of a prince cant pry himself away from the tv or the junk to remind you of how awesome you are. Remind yourself. As you walk out the door.
I think you have received good advice so far. If you feel you are 'dying inside' and cry all the time - you may want to look at why you are so reluctant to move on from this guy.
At the end of the day its as simple as that your sex drives / libidos dont match up. I'm really not sure why your positive that you weren't in the honeymoon stage (when you were having more frequent, regular sex) because what you describe is the very definition of the 'honeymoon period'.
What you are seeing now is his normal sex drive. Unfortunately he will not wake up one morning with a new one. After hassling him about it for a time it may get briefly better - (but then it will dwindle again) but who wants to be in a relationhip where you have to hassle somone for sex all the time, right?
Lucky you're not married with children - you can easily leave and find somone with a libido that more closely matches your own, and then you won't feel like your so miserable, dying inside and crying all the time. Who wants to live like that?
Good Luck.
At the end of the day its as simple as that your sex drives / libidos dont match up. I'm really not sure why your positive that you weren't in the honeymoon stage (when you were having more frequent, regular sex) because what you describe is the very definition of the 'honeymoon period'.
What you are seeing now is his normal sex drive. Unfortunately he will not wake up one morning with a new one. After hassling him about it for a time it may get briefly better - (but then it will dwindle again) but who wants to be in a relationhip where you have to hassle somone for sex all the time, right?
Lucky you're not married with children - you can easily leave and find somone with a libido that more closely matches your own, and then you won't feel like your so miserable, dying inside and crying all the time. Who wants to live like that?
Good Luck.
I TOTALLY agree with Anniebrooke.
This is the kind of thing that people say who have 3 kids and don't want to create a broken home.
I just sense you kind of feel you've been issued this one guy and you can't take him back or trade him in, you're stuck with him.
You're not even married. There's not even any formality to leaving him - just do it.
And yes, see a counselor to try to rework the part of you that is very willing to put up with a situation where you are "dyinginside" and that's killing you and you're crying all the time.
Leave.
This is the kind of thing that people say who have 3 kids and don't want to create a broken home.
I just sense you kind of feel you've been issued this one guy and you can't take him back or trade him in, you're stuck with him.
You're not even married. There's not even any formality to leaving him - just do it.
And yes, see a counselor to try to rework the part of you that is very willing to put up with a situation where you are "dyinginside" and that's killing you and you're crying all the time.
Leave.
I don't understand, between the addiction and the lack of interest, why you are even there. It seems like you are not only flogging a dead horse, you are trying to put life support back into a pile of dessicated skin and bones. Why are you being so resistant to seeing reality? You can't "will" the relationship back into something it was 33 months ago. How many more months will you devote to deluding yourself? I would see a counselor and try to work on why you have been unwilling to see the relationship for what it is.
If he won't go to a counselor with you, I would move on. It sounds like you're seeing a side of him that could indicate a long unhappy life together...or not so long if his addiction re-emerges. Luckily you guys haven't tied the knot yet....I'd say that you've received your warning. Lesson learned. time to move on....you deserve better. The sex is the least of it, IMO. Lack of communication is the elephant in THIS relationship....and if you can't fix that (I recommend counseling...and I recommend it ASAP)...then I'd say it's time to cut your losses and go. I'm sorry, no one likes ending a relationship, but if he can't communicate with you and be the future husband that you want and deserve, why would you stick around? habit? do what's best for YOU and try to work it out if you want....but I wouldn't put all my money on this horse, if you know what I'm saying.
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For me, drug addiction is a deal breaker. Many can recover and do. And I so commend them in every way. But if I were just dating someone and not married or even if I were married with no children, my self protective mode kicks into gear. I offer them a chance to go to recovery and if they do not take it--------- I'd have to leave them. And if they do take it--------- I would acknowledge that I'm taking a risk with that person. The risk is they will use again or use something else as they are now very prone to it. Tough stuff to handle if you are highly self protective like I am. I've seen the way addiction can rip the insides out of those you love--------- I couldn't tie my life to that forever. I just couldn't. If I were in love and someone went to recovery, I could possibly stay. Maybe. But if they refused, I couldn't be with them.
So address the addiction issue first as I think it rules all else. good luck