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1312584 tn?1280934685

No idea what to do... HELP!

I'm really hoping you'll be able to help me... I have counselling on Friday but need some idea of what to do right now, and need to know if I'm doing the right thing.

I've known my ex-fiance since last June and he's been a great friend to me... always there when I needed him, especially when my depression got really bad and I am everso grateful for that. We got together in November, engaged in December and ever since it's been like a fairy tale come true.

He lives in France which makes it hard but we made it work and just last week he broke up with me.

He said I didn't put enough effort into our relationship but I don't think he really saw just how hard I was trying. I'd been going through a lot with my family, kicked out and was trying to find somewhere to stay and trying to sort my head out and our relationship wasn't my main priority at the time.

When we first got together I used to call him every day, sometimes more than three times and recently it'd been lacking as it costs so much and as he was working I was never sure if he was in or not and didn't want to bother him if he'd just got in from work.

We last saw each other on May 2nd and it was heartbreaking for him to have to go back to France but we planned for him to come over again at the end of this month... I'd saved as much as I could which is SO hard on Jobseekers - I only get £100 a fortnight and, to my detriment, am addicted to cigarettes. I worked out my outgoings and realised I had £50 'spare' which I blew at the Trocedero, thinking it would cheer me up as I was having a really bad down day, but it didn't. I've always been very open and honest with Dave and regret telling him as he was so angry, but I understand where he's coming from.

Because I live in a house with my parents and 3 sisters who I share the laptop with it was always hard for me to get online to speak to him and we seemed to be drifting apart but I thought him coming over would make everything right again... especially the physical side and the little things I missed so much.

I've been trying my best to look for a job, with no luck and cut down a hell of a lot on cigarettes. I've gone from smoking 30+ a day to less than ten, which he says is still too much but that's easy for someone to say when they're not addicted like I used to be.

Last week his grandad died and he lost his job, then he told me it was over... I tried apologising for maybe doing the wrong things but I seemed to push him further away so I sent him a message last night asking if we could still be friends and he replied, saying we could but not yet. So I'm giving him the time and space he needs, I've never lost anyone close to me so I can't imagine what he's going through... sometimes I wonder if the decision he made to end things was out of grief? We talked about a happy future together, and were even trying for a baby - that can't just be forgotten can it? But I guess grief affects people in different ways.

I'm hoping that somewhere along the way we'll get back together and I'm thinking of asking if he still wants to come to stay, just as a friend. He really seems like he needs a break and he's always been there for me so if I can help in that way then I'll do what I can. I still care very deeply for him and love him just as much as I always have done.

Do you think that maybe, in time, there may be a chance we might get back together? I'm sure he's just confused.... I know it's not about what I want, I'm doing my best to be considerate and give him time to sort his head out and, I hope, we'll get back together but I don't want to think that if there really is no chance. Any opinion or advice on my situation would be very much appreciated.

Thanks
2 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
haylz, he lives in a different country.  I can't believe you can have a real relationship with someone who lives so far away and you haven't seen him since May.

Did either of you ever have plans to live in the same place in the future?   My guess  is,  he wants a girlfriend who is available for him for companionship and well,  sex,  no one who he rarely sees.

Best wishes -
134578 tn?1602101550
From reading all your posts about this guy, I would say it is indeed over.  You keep saying things like "he is just confused" and "I am giving him time to sort his head out" but he has signalled loud and clear that he is not confused and it is over for him.  It sounds like you are simply unwilling to believe it and think you can will him back.  But it sounds like, all along, it was more fantasy than reality, and magical thinking is not going to bring him back.  Who do you know that is in the same city as you, or even on the same street?  That is where to find a real relationship.
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