Not Attracted to Girlfriend - Help?

Question

I have been living with my girlfriend for 2 years. We are both in our mid to late 30's. Unfortunately, I do not think I am attracted to her enough physically and I would like some advice. We got to know each other initially over the Internet and there was a real spark and we developed a close bond. We exchanged photos and I thought everything was great. She was not my perfect “type” but after ending a bad relationship I thought the other factors of her personality and our common interests would offset any physical complaints or issues. I’ve found that we are quite compatible in many areas but that each day I’m finding myself wishing she wore more fashionable clothes, had a better hairstyle, was in better shape, took more pride in her appearance, especially when going outside. She is very pretty by most people’s standards, but there's not much there that is my "type" when I really assess things. I know that if we met first in person that I would not have pursued a serious relationship due to her looks and appearance. I know I am sounding very shallow but there are also other personality traits of hers that are really starting to affect me now that I probably didn’t pay much attention to earlier in the relationship. In particular, she can be very controlling and has anger issues, especially with others. These 2 tendencies along with the attractiveness issues have me questioning the relationship. I’ve talked to her a little about these issues but she tends to dismiss them for the most part. I feel I've been balancing things for quite some time now but things seem to need a resolution soon. Perhaps I am just getting cold feet as she’s really been pushing for more commitment lately, but I can’t help thinking most of this is because I’m just not attracted to her anymore or maybe I really wasn’t in the first place. What are my options here?

allmymarbles · Answer

Attraction is not something you can quantify. Break it off gently with her. She deserves that.

Caromar · Answer

It doesn't make you shallow if you want someone who dresses up nicely, or has a certain body type, it just means you have different 'likes and dislikes', yeah for ppl who like wearing jeans and tshirt on a daily basis, there are other ppl who find them really atractive, and for girls who like to dress up and be neat all times, there are also guys who find them atractive. Now that you know that you like woman who dress up and take care of themselves you should go and find one, not try to change the one you have, because changes that are made for other ppl and not for yourself do not last, she will eventually go back to her comfort zone. The personality thing is the same thing or even worse since changing the personality of someone is not only difficult, it might just not last. Before you make any further commitment you should consider if you are willing to keep the charade of buying her clothes or taking her to the spa on a weekly basis, even going to the gym and making sure she keeps the weight off, all that is quite an effort that you would have to keep up, and the change will only last as long as you keep it up, so lower your guard and the old self will come out! and who knows, maybe she is happy just as she is, and doesn't need to be changed just because you rather have a different type.

imanaddict · Answer

LOL!!!! I agree with jo...

I think once this relationship ends and you find a girl who is "High maintenance" you will eat your words! 

The only thing I can advise is to help her out and steer her in the right direction. You want her to wear a specific kind of clothing? Then go out and buy her some clothes. Take her to Glamour Shots and let them give her a makeover with portrait session and she will see how beautiful she is all "dolled" up. You make a huge fuss over her "new look" and I mean a HUGE fuss, she will definitely see a different side of you, like it, and think that "maybe this isn't so bad..."    

whatever you do, be careful how you approach the subject! If she senses that you are not happy with her looks, it will crush her emotionally, so proceed with caution.

That's about all I can advise....if you still aren't  happy after at least trying, then it's up to you on what to do next.

Judy246 · Answer

Amen, Jim!  My type of guy :)

PromisedLand · Answer

I am happy with a woman in jeans and a tshirt, no to very little make up.  Oh, an occasional dress up..but given my druthers....jeans and Tshirt is just fine with me




Jim

jo929 · Answer

It would appear the new has worn off of the chrystal chandaliers, get out and let her find some that will apprciate her good qualities,and go find a beautiful emty headed attractive clothes horse, this gal is not for you,  jo

Judy246 · Answer

Not attracted to her? Then leave her and find someone you are compatable with!

megochick101 · Answer

you do sound a tad bit shallow, BUT you can't have a romantic, physical relationship with someone who you are not attracted to. Your options: 

Option 1: try and stay and work on the relationship, maybe work out with her together(better body shape), get her a free day at the spa(ie makeover) and see how you feel about her then, talk to her about her controlling and how you feel about her trying to push you to more commitment when you're not ready. 

Option 2: get out now before you get too involved and really end up hurting her.