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Avatar universal

**Not Engaged**

Hello Everyone, im new here and need honest advise. I been dating my BF for over 10yrs (long time lol) im 26 he 27. We recently Moved in together and I count be happier, everything is great I LOVE him so much, he is such a great man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My problem is that he has not proposed to me and im really looking forward getting married and staring a family in the next few years. I don’t want to just be the live in GF who does all the duties as a WIFE without been one. Little History: he DID proposed to me back when I was 23yrs, he gave me ring and all… Had very bad family issued that had Devastated me emotionally. I gave the ring and cancel the engagement. Its been 3yrs now and we have been living together for 3Months, I love waking up to him we and I have discover that Loving someone mean seen your partner be Happy! I go above and beyond for him. I feel like he is not giving me what I want/Need? Maybe he doesn’t want to commit to me? what if he never wants to propose to him? I have touch the subject but he always brings the past and says “I did it once I don’t know if I want to do it again” then that means he wont marry me? I don’t know what to do.
12 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome.  Well, I'm trying to follow your post.  So, you WERE engaged and you thought he was stressed out so gave the ring back or did he take it?  

I'm just trying to understand the dynamics.  

Have you spoken directly to him about this?
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi and welcome. He does want to commit  but you mentioned you cancelled it. I think this put a mental block in his head and has caused some insecurity and reluctance to re-commit again.
Maybe he did not get what he needed back then and that was his time and now its settled into a habit lifestyle.
When you bring this up with him what is his response?
Avatar universal
Hi, yes we were engaged before But I gave the ring back due to family problems and back then i felt it was the right thing to do. now he feels why should he do it again.
Avatar universal
He just says that he feels he did what he was supposed to do back then, and when I gave the ring back and cancel the engagement made him feel like I didn’t love him enough. Now he doesn’t like talking about wedding or engagement. its been 3yrs already and we just started to live together, I don’t understand why he would not want to propose to me again. am I asking for too much?
3149845 tn?1506627771
Its not that your asking to much its that youve caused a rift and made him insecure. Hes not at all convinsed that you would stay with him and to some extent your still waiting for Mr. Right.
Avatar universal
If You want Marriage and He does not, perhaps You should not live with Him.  Not living with Him seems quite reasonable to me, as You both are not on the same page.
13167 tn?1327194124
It sounds like he's afraid of being hurt and embarrassed again.

I'm trying to think what kind of family problems would make you break your engagement - and are you at risk for those again?
Avatar universal
There was abused done in my house, my stepdad was put in jail, my mom went into Shock and i was the oldest trying to keep the family running. i was devasted at that moment and my sister and mom needed me.
13167 tn?1327194124
April,  that's what he's afraid of again.  If someone else needs you,  you'll put them first.  

Can you try to articulate why you felt like you had to break off an engagement just because your family needed help in a crisis?

People have remained engaged through being in concentration camps,  through the murder of their entire families,  etc.  

As stressful as your time must have been - why did you think you had to break up with him?  I think everyone would have understood if you postponed the wedding.
Avatar universal
I was happily engaged next day my entire life falls apart, I felt like I did not deserve to be happy seen my family been completely devastated. My mind changed, I would cry everyday thinking how can I plan my wedding when I had this big tragedy to deal with. I talk to him and said we should just forget about the engagement for now and gave the ring back. I guess now I regret it, if I knew then what I know now I would have acted differently. after all he has me 100% and i have shown him he means the world to me and i would never dismiss him ever again. I want nothing but to be his wife not just his gf and plan a family.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm very sorry to hear of these family issues that you had.  I understand hyper responsibility syndrome.  I carry this in my own medical chart.  It's a real phenomenon in which a person feels like everything rests squarely with them and them alone.  I've had to work on this because it creates a lot of inner turmoil to feel like you are responsible on your own for others and every thing.  It's hard and I imagine this is how you felt at that time.  

I've also been through great grief.  I've tried to explain this to people who have had grief but not ever the kind that is almost to the level of PTSD.  You make choices of closing in around you.  I call it tiers---  only those on the top tier were allowed near me during that time.  Even my best friend was not allowed in my inner circle.  I pushed all sorts of people away.  My inner circle at that time was JUST my sister.  Then after about 6 months I came out of the fog and opened back up.  

Now you were going to marry this man and he didn't make the cut for your 'inner circle' or 'top tier'.  I don't know what that means.

But you feel he IS the special one now.  So, I would try to communicate to him WHY you closed down and broke off the engagement.  I would ask him questions like "when will you trust me again" and things like that.  communication is going to be key here.  
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm really sorry this happened to you.

But I see his perspective too.  As big as this event was,  you will have worse events in your life that you will have to reach to him for if you're married.  

Miscarriages,  sick children,  your mother will die,  you may have kids who get in trouble with the law or have learning disabilities,  you will each face illness and eventually debilitating illness and death.

He's watched what happened to you in a difficult situation,    and once burned twice cautious.  

Have you told him you realize it was a mistake that you turned away from him rather than turning toward him in a crisis,  or are you sort of acting like anyone would have reacted like you did?
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