Not attracted to husband anymore

[mich19]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I was initially attracted to him sexually, but he was very shy. We've never had an active sex life - haven't had sex in over a year. We sleep in separate beds. I am not attracted to him at all anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are going to marriage counseling right now but I'm not sure if that's going to solve anything. He is a wonderful person but not someone who I have any desire to kiss, hug or have sex with. Looking back, I think we would have been better off as friends. I don't want to lose him from my life but I don't think it's fair to either of us to continue this way. We both deserve happiness. And advice would be appreciated but please don't tell me to spice things up in the bedroom. When we do have sex, it's fine. I'm not interested in spicing things up because I am completely repulsed by the idea of touching or being touched by him.

[teko]

I see alot of this these days. A guy and a gal meet, fall in heat, think they are in love, get married. Then BANG!  As time goes by each grow and unfortunately do so in opposite directions. If the only problem is the sex, it can be fixed. Alot of the time the very things that attracts us to each other are the same things that we get irritated with later. Problem is, if you check out of this marriage, what makes you think you will not repeat it with someone else. I think therepy is a great idea for no other reason than for you to get in touch with who you are and what you want out of life and marriage.  These days, if he has a job, doesnt beat you or the kids, doesnt cheat, do drugs or drink then I consider them a keeper. But if you do not want to try, I agree that your husband and you both deserve better.

[specialmom]

I'm going to agree with the other ladies here.  I don't think you are trying to save your marriage anymore but have made up your mind that you want out.  That is never an easy decision to make and always carries a lot of pain with  it.  (pain for both parties as it is hard to leave someone too.)  I think you know what you want to do here.  I would make sure to let him know that you so appreciate his caretaking of you as that is what you needed at that time and that you have love for him.  But he should be free to find someone that will feel the same for him as he feels for you.  And you deserve happiness as well.  good luck.

[Judy246]

I also agree with mami (which I do alot :) ) try to stay amicable or good friends to ease the loss possibly.

[mami1323]

I agree, you sound like you checked out of the marriage a long time ago.  Love and passion can be rekindled with hard work and communication but from the sound of it, you both never had much of that to begin with.  I only wished you had evaluated your relationship prior to getting married but you can't turn back the hands of time.  But like you said to continue down this road, will only lead you both to misery.  Since you will be unhappy and I'm sure he will feel it since he does deserve a wife that will love him the way he loves her.  You just aren't sexually compatible.  For some that's a deal breaker.  I think it's time to talk with your husband about possibly getting out of the relationship.  Hopefully down the road you can stay good friends.  

[Judy246]

If you feel that sex therapy is not helping and you are no longer in love with him, then it's time to re-evaluate this marriage that is just not functioning.  If you are that unhappy, talk to him about seperation or divorce as the only solution. It's always sad to see a marriage dissintegrate.

[mich19]

When we got married I do believe that I was in love with him. We definitely rushed into marriage and I think we were both a little lost at that time and clung to each other. The point I was making about shyness is that I was very sexually confident when we met and he constantly turned me down. So our sex life never flourished. He was very inexperienced when we met and has always had a problem getting an erection.

I am not in love with him anymore and I am not attracted to him. Can attraction be rekindled? How can I try to spice things up in the bedroom when I have absolutely no desire to even have sex with him?

He is a wonderful person and totally head over heels for me which makes me feel completely guilty and selfish. I'm sure he would rather be with me and never have sex again than actually get a divorce. But I feel like I'm holding us both back. He deserves to have someone who loves him the way that he wants and needs. I have no desire to find someone else and would be perfectly happy alone; there is no 3rd person in this equation.

The therapist says do things together, have fun. But we never really did that in the first place. The beginning of our relationship revolved around going out and drinking, etc. I went through a long period of depression shortly after we met in which he took on the role of caretaker. He's even admitted that he likes that role. So when I feel better he's a little lost because he's not sure where he fits in. Our personalities are so different. I'm talkative, outgoing, and I love to laugh. He is serious, impatient, and intolerant of most things. Looking back I don't think we would have gotten together had I not been depressed. He jumped right into the caretaker role and we ran with it. I'm not making excuses, just giving my opinion. I'm 33 and he's 32. I don't want to wake up 20 years from now still married and miserable.

[Judy246]

I applaud you both for seeking a marriage counselor, who will try to get to the bottom of all the problems and how best make the marriage work. Give the counselor a chance. Give your marriage the benefit of the doubt and when all is said and done and  you feel that you no longer want to be in this marriage, then consider a seperation or divorce, but remember that all decisions have life long consequences. I do wish you both well. Judy

[mami1323]

I agree with both posters and I have to say the same thing RockRose did, why did you marry him?  Did he do something that has turned you off?  What are the other issues in your marriage that has led to repulsion?  If you were initially attracted to him than there was something there in the beginning.  So again, why did you marry him?  Can you find those feelings again?  Being shy isn't really a good reason why the sex died.  I agree, you could have a sex therapist dulge deeper and perhaps you can find that attraction again, but if you don't want to hear spice it up than most likely a divorce is in order.

[Ashelen]

I think you should see a sex therapist...personally I would guess that there's some underlying issue here that's not physical but has manifested itself in a physical manner. You do have no children, so divorce IS an option, but I really think that your feelings are very strong and should be considered in a professional setting by someone who can objectively help you understand...who's to say this won't happen in another relationship down the road??

I would say go see a sex therapist and see what happens, if it turns you have to divorce then you have to divorce, but there may be more going on here and you wouldn't want to ignore the warning signs of something more serious. You may have a hormone imbalance, or an underlying depression causing these feelings....

Please, my best advice would be to see a sex therapist (they approach things differently than a marriage counselor) before you decide to divorce. Like I said my main concern for YOU in this case is that there's something going on here that's going to cause problems in another relationship in the future if you do decide to divorce, so seeing someone who's an expert in sexual relationships (not just marriage) may be able to help you pinpoint the problem.

[RockRose]

If you don't have children,  I think you should divorce.  No man deserves to be sentenced to a life with a wife who is repulsed by him - for honestly no reason you can even put your finger on.  He deserves more than that.

When I hear stuff like this,  I have to ask,  why did you marry him?  You can't tell me you were madly in love and positive he was the guy for you.