Not sure what to do

[lovehope05]

Hello all! I need your help. My boyfriend and I had a fight last night, and he broke up with me. He is always breaking up with me, ignoring me, and dropping me until I come back crying and then he is all too sorry we broke up and things go right back to the "I love you" stage. Last night, I went over to his house. I said I wanted to watch One Tree Hill at 7. The T.V in his room wasn't working, so I suggested we go to the living room to watch it. He became sullen and would barely talk to me. I asked him several times what was wrong, and he said he was extremely tired. I was loving on him telling him to go to sleep or that I could leave so that he could go to sleep. Then, about an hour later, it all came out. He said he was angry, not tired, because I did not have sex with him. He has been making issue of this for some time now. He has been telling me we are not having sex enought. When we first started dating, we lived for sex with each other. It has been about a year and seven months now. We see each other all the time, and I guess I have just not needed to have sex so often. I am comfortable with just hanging out. Apparantly he isn't. So, he brings this up again last night. I told him that sex was not off the table, that I couldn't read his mind, and that I was just enjoying hanging out with him. I feel so much pressure when he starts this sex stuff. I feel like we can't just relax and hang out. It's like either I am having sex with him that night, or the night is a waste of his time. So, he tells me to leave. I did and did not text or call when I got home. About 10:30, I get a text saying that I must be cheating on him, so he is done with me. I must be getting it from somewhere else if I only want to have sex with him once or twice a week. I am not cheating. What do I do?

[teko]

He sounds like a little kid throwing a tantrum because he is feeling sorry for himself. He also sounds terribly insecure. Honestly, I think you would be better served to end it and go find someone that likes to hang out and accept you for who you are and enjoys doing the same things as you. So every time he pouts you have to number one pry it out of him, secondly he is rude to you and then tries to punish you? Seriously? Yeah, I think you can do better.

[specialmom]

Okay, so now I am worried.  After his outburst and accusations, you are texting and calling him and feeling inadequate?  This is not what your response should be.  You should say "my feelings count too, we are NOT married and he's already acting this way, he handles things in a very immature way, and I can do better".  That is what you should say to yourself.  Don't get mad at me but this sounds like it is an equal problem with both of you.  He FOUND someone he can manipulate.

I guess I would either go ahead and realize that this is not a match made in heaven or learn to deal with it because I am guessing this will be a chronic problem for the two of you.  good luck

[lovehope05]

I'm curious what it was that you said? Being that I am in the midst of all of this, I can tell you that you are not doomed. Females are very different from males. In my experience and from what I hear my girlfriends say, sex is not the same for both genders. Males are much more likely to have sex for the gratification while women want it for romantic reasons as well. I don't think my sex drive is that large. I mean, in the beginning of a relationship, I am over doing it, then I get comfortable and things taper off to once or twice a week. But I digress. I feel like if my now ex boyfriend would have come to me nicely and explained that he felt I no longer found him attractive or that he was concerned I was becoming less interested by my decreased sex drive, I could have talked it over with him. Instead he said nasty things, accused me of cheating, and was altogether very rude. If you are ever in this situation again, and you find yourself getting angry, remind yourself that it is her body and she has the right to do with it as she pleases. Also, remember that it doesn't mean someone doesn't love you. We all have our off days. It doesn't mean she doesn't find you attractive. It may simply be that she is tired from work or feels fat that day. I work a lot and sometimes all I want to do is watch a good movie and head off to bed. You talk about everything you do will be judged accordingly. That statement alone shows me you are taking responsibility for your actions. My ex has severe emotional problems, anger issues. He has been to prison. He can be a very hateful man. If he ever said those words to me, I would be stunned.

[x89rt]

... ive only had one girlfriend. we did have sex but this one time she wasnt feeling good and i said something that ill regret for the rest of my life...

i have my share of emotional problems but ive learned that its not an excuse and that everything i do will be juged accordingly no matter what.

that being said, is there anything i can do to stop myself from turning into that and have a meaningful relationship or am i doomed?

[lovehope05]

Well, I tried talking with him. He text me a few times. He is very angry. He says that basically I do not care about our sex life whereas he does. That he never knows when he is going to get it or when I will just leave without having sex with him. I was honest with him and told him that by being mean and making me feel bad, it isn't exactly making me want to jump in the sack with him. He said "then don't." He is so immature. I can't even talk to him. It's like negotiating with a three-year-old. He is not capable of having an adult conversation without anger and spewing hateful things. He gets defensive if I try to state my point at all. He keeps telling me I do not care about his feelings. I feel like he does not care about mine. Otherwise, wouldn't he see that badgering me for sex and making me feel sexually inadequate hurts my feelings and makes us grow apart? I mean, souldn't sex be fun and not planned? Shouldn't it be about the moment and loving someone? Not just to get off and make sure you get off every night? Am I wrong? Am I just sexually inadequate??

[specialmom]

Well, re read what you've written here.  You absolutely do not want to set yourself up for a life like that.  I was thinking he was really young but he now I  know he isn't.  He just has limited communication skills and has found a way of manipulating you.  Do you know that many a women would have told him to bug off and meant it at the first outburst of anger over the issue?  His accusing you and telling you off and trying to guilt you into sex isn't a good sign of things to come.  He'll handle other issues that arise the same way.  It is okay to deal with the problem of one wanting sex more than the other-------- but how he deals with it says a lot about him.

So you are a smart girl------------  make a better choice for yourself than this guy.  What if he treated someone you loved dearly this way?  You'd get upset at it.  Well, protect yourself the same way.  

Break ups are hard.  Have a plan of how to handle it.  Make plans with friends, family.  Work in some exercise.  Get a journal.  Have hope for the future that you'll find a healthier mate to be with.  good luck

[lovehope05]

I definitely hear what you all are saying, and it is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. It kind of makes me angry. Like, who is he to say how I should use my body and when I should have sex. He says that it makes him feel that I do not love him anymore and that I have lost interest in him. As previously stated, he has brought this up and been very rude about it several times. Just this past weekend, we planned a night out, and when I decided to meet him closer to the destination, and he knew there would be nowhere to have sex, he lashed out at me. He told me I must be getting it from somewhere else since I do not care. That he is tired of masturbating and he shouldn't have to beg his girlfriend for sex. I felt like I was being told what to do with my body. He is hurtful in many ways. This is just the tip of the iceberg. He tells me all I care about it me. That I never think of what he needs and wants. I don't feel like that. I feel like I have spent a year and a half worrying about what he wants. Every time I go to make a break for it, I feel so much pain and loneliness that I cry and beg him back even if I have done nothing wrong. I feel pathetic at this point. I don't need him for anything. I am 27 and have a good career. Been to college. I don't need him to make it, but when we break up, I am devestated to the point of making a fool of myself to get him back. I am tired of this behavior, but I am not sure how to break this habit,

[dianamac]

It sounds to me like you both have different goals in this relationship.  Of course all relationships have their difficulties but I think you need to find someone who will treat you with respect.  
The relationship seems to be causing you more stress than pleasure.  You should not have to go out of your way to be overly nice when he is in a bad mood etc.  Communication is the key to any relationship so it should be discussed as to what each of you expect, is it a hanging out thing, hanging out with sex, etc etc.

Try talking with him, being honest, asking him what his needs are, tell him what yours are and go from there.  If he just wants a sex buddy then it's your choice.  And don't think you can ever change someone.  If he just wants sex, it is unlikely that he will eventually realize what a great girl you are and want a more serious relationship.  Don't waste your time hoping.  I know it's painful to break up with someone but you deserve to be happy.

Be honest with yourself.  

[specialmom]

Oh boy.   Well, this happens a LOT in marriage but I don't think I'd stick around for it while dating.  Not thinking this will get better.  Many couples move into a more "comfortable" stage of the relationship.  Sex might be a bit less.  If one partner is unhappy about that------------ they can voice their concerns and desires.  The other can compromise. But he is having a mini tantrum about it.  He is pretty immature and unfortuntately, I doubt he'll grow up all that much.  His response to your saying "I was just having a good time with you and we can still have sex" is to accuse you of cheating . . .  this is not good.  Nope, not good at all.  You are dating and he is showing you what it would be like to live with him.  Not so great, huh?  

So take this red flag and run with it.  Run away with it.  You can find someone that expresses things better, doesn't use guilt and passive aggressive ways to get you to do what they want.  Okay?  Good luck