Not sure what to do

[Buttercuppy]

Hello all,
   So again it's been some time since I've posted here but I always like hearing everyone's responses. I've posted a couple times about boyfriend troubles and I'm still with the same guy. It's been about 3.5 years since we've been together officially but I'd say 5 if you count the casual dating and talking phase. We've had the marriage and kids talk several times and he always changes his mind. When we started dating I wanted kids and he and I even picked out names for 3 children. He has since decided he does not want kids or to get married. I am going to school to be an Elementary grades teacher and he is a nurse. I have decided that for now kids are out of the question because I will have 20 kids all day and I don't think I'll want to come home to more kids, and my boyfriend is like a child himself sometimes so I'm set! My issue now is the marriage part of it. I know that we are young (23 and 24) and getting married right now is out of the question, we can't afford it and we both still live at home while going to school. I would like to move forward with an engagement though and he gets mad everytime I bring it up. I don't want to push the issue on him but I don't want to just be his girlfriend for the rest of my life. We know that we want to be together and we have found that we have what it takes to make love and keep love through all we've encountered, but he doesn't want to get married. He was talking about going into the military to pay for his schooling and then and only then does he say we can get married. Is it wrong for me to be upset over this? It seems like everyone around me is getting engaged, married, having kids, moving in together, or buying puppies. I just want to be engaged...would it be a bad thing for me to sit down with him and really express my feelings on the matter? I don't want to push him into getting married but I want to be his wife and have his name, I want to be a part of his family in that way. Sometimes I just feel that he doesn't want to be engaged or married because it will mean he is tied down and that scares him. Not sure if that's really how guys feel but if anyone could give me some input here I'd really appreciate it! How long is too long to wait for a ring when that's where you ultimately want to be? And I'm not the girl who wants a 4 carat rock on her finger before anyone goes there! We've looked at rings in the past and he has picked one out that I absolutely adore that is under a grand and also under 1 carat. Why pick out a ring and make it a point to show me when you don't want to get married...=/

[AnnieBrooke]

You are asking should you have 'the talk' -- "sit down and really express my feelings on the matter."  It sounds like he is very clear about your feelings on the matter.  I'm sorry if you feel impatient and old at 24 and 23, but really, that's pretty early for marriage or even the marriage expectation, especially since you're not even out of school yet.  Get through with school, see who you are and how you like being on your own two feet, set your identity.  This goes double for him, if he sometimes reminds you of a child at this point.  He might be another ten years at the task of becoming an adult.  Do you really want to rush this and saddle yourself with a sulky teenager for life?  (The odds of him growing up into an autonomous adult if he has you to blame for his life are pretty slim.  He really needs to find his feet first.)

If you two are meant to be, you will find yourselves back together again and again as you mature, but if you are not, don't shove marriage into the mix now and make things REALLY hard.

Incidentally, 50% of your friends who are doing marriages and puppies will be divorced after a while.  Don't use them as models.

Good luck!

[specialmom]

Well, a couple of things come to mind when reading your post.  You are both in transitional phases of your life.  You are in school, he's contemplating school and maybe the military, etc.  This is significant because marriage is a big step.  I prefer to see people established, independent, and having had some time on their own (as in supporting themselves with no help from parents) for a period of time before they marry.  

Secondly, I think every woman should feel like the man she is with would love to marry her and couldn't live without  her.  Yep, I want to be cherished, desired, and wanted in a significant way.  I wouldn't date someone that said they aren't interested in marriage.  That right then and there would be a red flag for me that we have different goals.

But see, sometimes we do this mind game thing where we kind of switch our goals to match our partner's so that we don't have to admit that maybe it isn't the best relationship for us.  I'm afraid you might be doing this.  

I think at 23, you should rule out kids if you once had the desire to have them.  Know a lot of teachers----------  it is a great job to have and have a family.  Most get into the profession because they enjoy kids and having their own someday does not seem like a burden anymore than it does to any other working professional.  Our own kids are different than kids we deal with through work usually.  So, I wouldn't again marry someone that said they do not want children if you may or may not down the road.

So, I think this isn't a great match, to be honest.  I don't say that to hurt you but when it comes to marriage-----------  it is twofold to me.  It is romantic (I have to love the person, enjoy them, be attracted to them) and business (they have to have similar goals, financial desires----  as I don't want to go into bankruptcy, faith, etc.).  Many just focus on the first one, the romance.  But if you don't worry about the second one, the business aspect of picking a good match for you---------- that is when relationships often fall apart and divorce happens.  

So think about that in terms of this guy.  And I want you on a pedestal by the man who loves you . . . not you asking for something they don't want to give you willingly.  Wishing you all the best.