Paranoid Husband

[EVANIQUE]

My husband and I have beed together for 10 years. He is 31 and I'm 27. We have 2 young sons who we adore (most of the time). We are very lucky, both have jobs, no health problems and a nice house. I'm very happy and in love with him. The problem is he gets paranoid about things. He wants me all to himself! He does'nt like me going out for occasional drinks with friends because some of them are single. He hates me using the computer in the evenings because I should be giving him all my attention. I'm with the kids or working all day so I need time to myself sometimes. We try not to argue infront of the kids but he creates a bad atmosphere when he has something on his mind which makes me snappy with the kids and affects my 4 yr olds behavior in school. We do talk and he understands where im coming from. He knows he can be irrational but can't controll it. He's always expecting something bad to happen. He knows im faithfull and i've told him how important he is to me. We have considered seperating but it's not what we really want. I said i'd meet him half way by coming home from girls nights by 12, only going out a few times a year and spending more time with him in the evenings. He has been happy for a few days which is good but i dont expect it to last. There will always be something he'll have a go about and I dont want to let that effect my  or my childrens state of minds.

[EVANIQUE]

we dont go out looking for men and im not going to have an "accident"! id never cheat on my man! but you guys all seem dead against the bar scene - i don't know, maybee your right.

I would be willing to give it up for the sake of our family if my husband could garuntee not to get paranoid about other things like going for meals or even coffee. He knows this but he does'nt want me to resent him and can't controll his mood regarding my friend. He hates her because she's a single mom and she did some stupid things when we were 17 but she's sensible now - and she doesnt sleep around!

I did'nt marry young (23) in my opinion but we got togeter when i was 17.5 so i was young and just getting into the club scene. He wat 21 and had had enough of clubbing by then so i do feel i missed out a bit. I am well aware of that. I dont regret it though - it was the best time for him and we are soulmates. I'd give up 4 years of clubbing for a lifetime of happiness any day. But deep down i still have that party spirit though while my husband is all partied out.

[thehitman357]

You guys should try to do things together as a couple like game night. You can still chill with your girls and be in the house. Just invite singles and couples. I understand that you want to unwine after dealing with work and kids. I really do not see anything wrong with a married woman going out to have a drink with her girlfriends once in a blue moon. However, as my mother once said, a married woman should be at home with her husband and kids. I am just saying. giving you motherly advice. Oh, stop taking out your drama on your kids. Its not their fault, ok mate.

[specialmom]

I think the point rockrose is making is that many (MANY) become less interested in the bar scene as life goes on.  I'm one of those folks.  And I also have stated what I am okay with and not okay with when it comes to the bar scene for my husband.  That is what marriage is like.  

My husband has a single guy friend.  Part of what this friend likes to do when he goes out is meet women.  So my husband when he is with him would be a part of this.  No, he was not cheating.  He was a "wing man" and basically hanging out with his friend.  Guess what?  I put the kabosh on their going to bars together.  Yep, I did.  I trust my husband.  I do.  But it isn't appropriate for my husband to be with a guy trying to meet women, in my opinion.  Many men who cheat do not do so on purpose.   They don't start out trying to hook up or meet someone.  It just "happens" by where they are and what they are doing.  So, in my opinion, spouses are smart to avoid places that put themselves at risk of an "accident" happening. (called accidents because it was not intentional and just happened.)  

I would re evaluate why your husband has an issue.  He may see something you don't and you may be holding onto the bar scene and such for reasons you aren't willing at this point to admit.  You married young.  

I do hope it works out for you.  By the way, why don't you go to a bar scene with your husband to let your hair down if that is all you are after.  I don't mean that critically as it is a legitimate question.  

I have single friends.  I don't do single girl things with them because I am not single.  If I were so inclined to have a drink with them, I would meet them in the early evening and be home by 9.  If they wanted me to go to a hot night spot . . . well, I'd not be that interested.  If I were, I'd have a better time if my hubs came along.  

good luck

[EVANIQUE]

yes i do understand where you are coming from. but the bar scene is for every one (young and old, married or single) in the uk not just singles and adulterers. My friend doe'snt chat up men when we're out together, she's respects that i'm married.  

we've been getting on much better now. i find it easier not to mention my single friend at all which avoids conflict. with no nights out planned for a while alls calm. Im going to go for a meal with friends for my birthday so that'll be atest for him.

P.s. I hate myself for snapping at my kids but its difficult to be patient with them when i'm being accused, judged and emotianlly blackmailed. Is it so bad to have a single friend?

[RockRose]

Evanique,  it's hard to tell exactly what's going on here.

Does your husband not like ANYONE to come to the house,  or is just your friends who are single to stay out late and drink?  Are there any couples that are welcome in your home?

If you're snapping at your children and causing your 4 year old to act out in school because of your snappiness,  I don't think you can blame anyone except yourself.   There were women in concentration camps who didn't snap at their children.  Whatever problems you have with your husband doesn't excuse you allowing it to "flow downhill" and take it out on your kids.

I don't know exactly what  you're saying about going out with your friends and "letting your hair down".   The wording caught my eye.  I do go over to friend's houses for a couple glasses of wine and we have a fabulous time,  just the girls,  enjoying each other's great company.    I don't think my husband would be at all happy with me being in a bar with single friends after midnight and coming home "too drunk".  

Do you see what I'm saying?  I wonder if there's middle ground here that you both could reach for.
Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

I just meant that it was awfully late for a mom to be out and away from her kids and drinking.  While I see that you have an issue about not feeling controlled by him, that one, the about being out late and drinking, is probably the kind of thing any husband would ask you to tone down.  

[EVANIQUE]

hiltonslohan- id like that but i don't think he'd go for it as he doesnt like my friends and would'nt want them in our house.
specialmom- i like the half hour for me idea, i'll try that. i dont know why going out a fwe times a year causes such stress- he's wound up a few weeks before and after and is hard to live with. i wonder if its worth it for one night but if i give up its like he's controlling me. i do go out for lunch with my friend but i like to go out for drinks without the kids and let my hair down- is that so wrong?
annie brooke- i have a laptop so we are sitting next to eachother all of the time, i even chat to him while im on it while he's watching tv or is on his games console. He wants me to hug him and give him loads of attention. I've happily agreed to come home at 12 and not get too drunk (which i have done in the past but not for a year or so). I've never got into any trouble- and im a big girl and can look after myself!
Thanks for all your feedback :)

[hiltonvslohan]

have you tried having your friends over to your house to have some girl time instead of going out. that way you can get your time but yet its in an environment which might make him feel better about it.

[specialmom]

Yes, it does sound like you two communicate alright.  It does worry me that it goes from a disagreement on something to thoughts of seperation and if this is only a couple times of year thing-------- why is it such an issue at home?  I guess due to the computer and such.  Anniebrooke has good ideas there.  What about taking a half hour for yourself and then spending the rest for him?  Tell him in advance, I need a half hour of me time and then I'm ALL yours!  

One idea for the girls night is to switch it up.  It doesn't necessarily have to be a night at a bar but get together with the girls on a Saturday afternoon and have lunch, get pedicures, go shopping, etc.  If alcohol has to be involved, have a glass or two at lunch or meet for dinner, etc.  It may be the bar scene that he objects to.  If you don't care where you go and just want to connect with your girlfriends, set up something different to do with them.

good luck  

[AnnieBrooke]

Couples' counseling helps with things like this, especially since it sounds like you are already talking.  Maybe strike while the iron is warm (in other words, suggest it now while he is happy).  Though I don't think a man should try to keep his spouse from her friends, it really doesn't sound like it is at all unreasonable for him to want you to come home from girls' nights at 12.  That's a late hour to be out by yourself.   Is there any way to put your computer out into the same room where he wants you to sit with him at night?  My husband watches t.v. in the same room where I'm on my computer, and I can also see the t.v. and him the way my computer faces.  That way we're together at night even if I'm online.