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973741 tn?1342346373

Partner's bad habits, how to make them quit

Has your partner ever had a bad habit that you wanted them to quit?  Drinking, drugs, spending money, fighting, gaming, leaving their clothes on the floor, etc.?  What did you find works best for changing the situation?  What about you?  Did you ever had a partner that wanted a change and how did they go about it letting you know and dealing with you?  Did it work?
5 Responses
207091 tn?1337713093
I had a pattern with dating addicted men. You can't change that. A person needs to be ready to change or it isn't going to happen.

495284 tn?1333897642
This is lame, really!  My husband has an issue of taking my scissors so when i need it it is always gone.  Usually it ends up in the garage.  I have battled this one for years so one night i decided what"s good for the goose is going to be good for the gander.  I looked for my scissors, nowhere to be found so i asked the ole boy where is it?  His response did you look in the garage?!!  Umm no........I looked at him and said the next time i cant find my scissors i am going out to the garage and taking one of your tools.  Fast forward to a few days later, no scissors...so out to the garage i went, saw his precious drill sitting there and i took the dumb thing.  He needed it a few days later and asks if i have seen his drill......I just looked at him and said nothing.  He then pauses for a moment, looks to the area of the scissors and procedes to go outside.   Well, low and behold he comes in with my scissors!!  I went upstairs, into the attic and got his drill.  I am happy to report my fine scissors has sat in its spot since!!!  Next time his air compressor will be gone as i know he will resort to his prior behavior!!!!
5 Comments
That's really funny. My husband would just drive me crazy wandering all over the house and looking for the drill, with self-pitying narration, and never figure out it was because he took the scissors.
At least he was smart enough to figure out the that the drill disappearance was related to the scissor stealing.  lol  My husband can be dense and can't always connect the dots.  I like your approach though.  lol  Very effective!
Sara...LOL.  I've solved this problem by putting scissors in the living room drawer, the kitchen drawer and the desk drawer in the bedroom!   Oh, and there's a small pair in one of the dresser drawers.  

Wow, taking your husbands air compressor.  R's is about 6 ft tall and I could never even get my arms around it, it's so huge.  

AB...I *wish* my husband were like yours.  Mine would stand in front of me yelling 'where are they?' over, over and over until couldn't take his badgering any longer and gave in.  Although I must admit he's Much better about sort of behavior than he used to be.   Hmm...maybe because he depends on me now? lol.  Although I always keep my role as his wife and my role as his caregiver, separate.  I've even reassured him of that...that even if we're fighting, I would NEVER let anything happen to him.  

Jade, this is a portable air compressor.  He used it on the roof when he was shingling.  The other beast of an air compressor is a big one, one that about sends me thru the roof when it refills!  It is so flipping noisy and now he is looking for a bigger one!!   This one is out in the attached garage!!  I hate that damn thing!!
I can totally relate to it all (I believe we've discussed this before).  Your 'beast' sounds as gigantic as the one we have.  R's is in the front of the garage which is approx 9 ft from my bedroom wall!  I don't sleep well, have to get up early to help him, then do my chores, then try to lie down to rest around 1, except there is no rest because he goes out there to work after lunch, then uses the air hose (shhhhh,  shhhhh - ugh) which naturally causes the compressor to go off all the live long day!  

Then there's the days he forgets to turn the hated thing off.  It startles me awake in the middle of the night (as well as my next door neighbors, I'm sure!!) which, of course, forces me to get up to go out and shut it off.  Before his accident, I'd wake him up saying loudly "the compressors on!!!!!!!" making HIM go shut it off.  

A bigger one?  My heart goes out to you.
134578 tn?1578161083
The small one that drives me cuckoo is that my husband doesn't know where things go in the house, and puts them away (good for him for putting things away) wherever there is a space. I am likely to find my shoes in the kitchen cupboard. If I painstakingly explain where things go, he looks at me as a dog would look at someone trying to explain physics, and never, ever applies one thing I have said to the real world.
4 Comments
I just keep explaining where things go. Obviously this doesn't work too much. lol
Okay, so MY husband just decided a couple of years ago after umpteen years of marriage that he 'can' unload the dishwasher too.  For two plus years, he continues to NEVER put dishes and glasses where they actually go. We have plastic kid cups.  I put them all inside each other to save space in the glass/drinking cup area of the cabinet and he will put them in one by one without doing that.  He puts pans just in whatever spot he can find that there is a bit of an opening rather than where they go and any type of kitchen utensil?  That is open game.  Have found spatulas and soup ladles inside the pans that are in the wrong spot.  I mean, he KNOWS to get those out of the big pot thing by the stove I keep them in . . .   Think this is his passive aggressive way letting me know he doesn't think he needs to unload the dishwasher? lol
Yes, familiar. My husband will not look for "like" things in the kitchen to put things away with. We have three strainers, they nest. Does he put the one he got out of the dishwasher with the others? No. Cooking pots with their stained bottoms of course go inside the nested stainless-steel baking bowls. Knives do not go in the knife block on the counter but in a drawer, though he has always taken the knives from the knife block when he needs a knife (in other words, he knows where they come from) and it is standing there empty. Etc. It might be passive aggression, it might just be that he thinks the kitchen is so far from being his responsibility that it is unimportant for him to know where anything goes.
Sometimes I think men (yes, yes, not all men) don't get the "nesting" thing. Even though they SEE cups, bowls, pans, strainers, whatever, nesting in the cabinets, when it's time for them to do it, the concept is lost.

I do sometimes think they do it so badly so we'll step in and say, "Oh never mind, I'll do it", but I do think some are just incapable.

I'm still laughing about the empty knife block. (I'm laughing because it's not MY empty knife block. If it were mine, I wouldn't find it quite so funny, I'm sure.)
495284 tn?1333897642
MY SCISSORS IS GONE............and so is his air compressor.
2 Comments
Given that this has been going on for years, it seems like taking an air-compressor's worth of HIS money and buying like 15 pairs of scissors and putting ten or 12 of them in the garage might work.

We had a scissors problem at the school where I volunteer. The workroom is used by all the teachers, and if a pair of scissors was sharp at all, they would disappear. I bought two pair of nice, sharp ones, and put tags on them (like you mark keys with, little plastic sleeves) with "Steal and die" written on them with a scull and crossbones. After a year and a half, both pairs are still in the workroom. One time a pair disappeared, but I had photographed them, and sent the school secretary sent an email featuring the photo to all the teachers, and the scissors reappeared. These scissors, though sharp and fine, cost less than $5 each, so it wouldn't be a killer to keep replacing them, but I would resent it, after all it isn't my job to keep light-fingered teachers in scissors.  The main goal was just to keep them where they belonged, and (so far) it has worked.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA did you get your scissors? Did he get his air compressor?
Avatar universal
Taking this to the more serious note. My husband had many bad habits when we got together. He likes to drink, and he was a bit abusive.

The truth is I tried a few things. Telling him I would leave if things didn't change, taking away the money he had to get beer. None of that worked. So I prayed for him to change. One day a cousin of his invited us to church. My husband wasn't interested but that might we got in a huge  fight and I ended up outside in tears. I prayed and my husband came out and made up with me. Then we went to church the next day.

I will not say all was better after that. It was the start though. Over the years my husband and me went through alo t and grew up together. He stopped drinking when it was that it having seizures. He stopped being abusive when he realized he could lose me and that his life was better with me in it. He started being more loving over the last few years even, and he says it is because he knows what he has.

I dont think you can make someone change major habits. Prayer, not giving up, and knowing when to stand firm is what it takes.

My husband and me now are happier then ever. In addition we don't argue often over the things that most couples do. No one ever expected us to last but here we are 15 yrs later and 8 Yrs of marriage.

Hope this helps someone ....
5 Comments
I'm glad to hear that prayer worked for you, and he basically grew up. He probably should have known all along that a man needs his wife whether or not he gets a seizure disorder, it is just a clearer reminder than many men get. It's good that he didn't lose you in the process, and I'm glad the two of you are happy.
It wasn't the seizure disorder that made him realize he needed me. That helped him stop drinking. To be honest time made him realize he needed me. I don't know a single relationship that hasn't gone through rough patches. The truth is you can't force someone to change they have to want to.

You can help hear them though I'm the right direction stand your ground. When enough is enough tell them but still show love and forgiveness.

Life is to short to be angry or to hold a grudge, or to walk away from a true love without being open to them changing.
I'll say it again SeizureAdvocate, I'm so glad you found the forum.  I love having you around.  This is wonderful that things are better now.  I'm so happy for you.  No life is perfect but much better, a husband who stopped drinking and is not abusive anymore and trying?  That's awesome.

I agree with "I dont think you can make someone change major habits. Prayer, not giving up, and knowing when to stand firm is what it takes. "  I find your story truly inspiring and appreciate you sharing it.
Life is all about the battles. When you make it through those then you appreciate the little things a bit more.
We have a crawl space that is great for holding totes and things....Well hubby decided to "fix" it up a bit and put some lights in there.  So far so good right?  Well he took all the totes out while i was at work so when i got home i said wait to put those back so i can help put them back in order.  It was a grand plan with an epic failure.  I got home from work on Sunday and everything was done.  I told him it looked nice and the lights were a great idea, now where are my Christmas totes?  His response?  Somewhere in here!  Ya 20 bazillion totes later i find them.  Moral of the story?  I found my birth certificate and realized i need to get rid of some of my crap!!
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