Past

[jmonaco19]

Ive been dating this girl for just over a year and weve been great everythings perfect except she has a horrid past that i despise completely but ive come to the conclusion its whatever and it happened and theres nothing i can do about it but Its just hard for me not to get mad or even almost jealous that they had her before me and it bothers me cause they didnt treat her half the way she deserved and I just hate seeing all the guys at school(college campus) I guess maybe its our past difference how I had not as much experience as she had I just want to make the images go away and the anger go away and I've tried many methods, this isnt a rant about how bad my girlfriends past is and how I cant get over it because everyones going to answer it with the live in the present its not going to change and I know this, so what i really want to know is ways to get these thoughts, images, out of my head whether it be low self esteem issues I know it has to do with me I just want to make this go away completely and try to move on even further in our relationship b/c without this itd be 100 percent amazing. Thanks!- John

[specialmom]

Well, that is hard.  Is it an especially small college?  Wouldn't it be nice to not see these guys to stoke up the images?  Well, college is temporary.  It lasts 4 years or so and then bye bye past guys.  She (and you if you are still with her) can move on and start fresh without the baggage of past dalliances lurking around the corner.  So think of it in those terms.  Life goes on and we evolve and college is great in that you physically can leave the past behind.  She will move to where she finds a job.  She will get an apartment.  She will be a professional woman that does not have to be hindered by a time in which she struggled.  And so do you.  So what I'd do is picture your future life together.  Picture what it will be like to be OUT of college and going to the movies, having dinner, setting up an apartment if your relationship proves to be one of long term.  Also think of how those guys might have been with her but YOU have her.  You've found all of her good points and are happy to be dating her.  Their loss, right?  Your gain.  You are the lucky one.  She didn't let them get to know her as you have.  She kept her beauty within just for you.  It is YOUR secret of what THEY do not know about her.  YOU are the lucky one and they are losers who will never know the gem that slipped through their fingers.  Visualize your future and think about how appreciative you are that she is in your life.  I have an episode in my own life in which someone was unkind, cruel, okay----------- violent to someone that I love dearly.  The only way that I didn't have that bubble up of anger torward the person that perpetrated these acts (I don't see them but it is the feelings inside of me that when I briefly think about it I become enraged)------ well the only way to make it go away  is to actively push it out of my mind.  When the thought of what he had done to her pops in my mind------- I jump up and DO something.  I actively push it out.  It subsides over time with my doing this.  Then I fill my head with the thoughts that are much more pleasant.  That is where envisioning a time in the future out of college would be good for you.  

Don't know if that helps----------  but I do wish you lots of luck.

[PromisedLand]

you can do 1 of a couple of things:

1) accept that she has a past that is behind her and nothing can be done about it and it sounds like she cares about you and move on into a healthy relationship



2) see a therapist as to why you cannot get these obsessions with her past out of your head...should your relationship continue they could grow into resentment and become dangerous.


Jim