Performance anxiety

[KKCC]

I have known this guy for several years and we have fabulous chemistry and have always been flirting with one another. He is in his 50s.

We have gone to bed a few times and each time, though there was very intense sexual chemistry, he failed to have an erection during foreplay. It was only a few hours later (after some sleep) that he could get it up (semi erect) and we were able to have some semblance of a sexual intercourse. However, there did not seem to be any ejaculation.

Is this due to erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety? Initially it affected me because it made me wonder if I am the problem (too fat? not attractive enough? am I not doing something right? etc) but as I have never experienced such a thing with other men before, I wonder if it's a physiological condition on his side.

Emotionally, I would also like to know what a partner can do or say to help the man overcome this situation. Should I subtly hint about it or avoid the topic? Should I give him positive comments on his other abilities (like foreplay) to make up for his feelings of inadequacy in not being able to complete the whole process of sexual intercourse? Please help. I care a lot for him and would not want to hurt him for the world. I am also not going to let this affect how I feel towards him.

[KKCC]

Hey JML

We met and somehow, got around to talk about it. He told me that he had seen a doctor, went through some tests and was told it's all stress and anxiety! We haven't tried again but it is just a matter of time. I am just glad that we talked about it because it obviously bothered him enough to do something about it.

It doesn't really matter to me because I love him anyway, but I am really happy we talked! :)

[jml1986]

It is very difficult to talk to any man about that subject. It took my husband a year to tell me that he had a mass on his testicles. I totally understand why though. We women are not afforded the silence of our vaginal area because of the health issues we face. Men do not have to go in to a doctor once a year and have a spectrum stuck up them, so it easier for us to be open about our sexual issues. I wish I could tell you there is a easy way to approach the subject with him, but there is not. Beating around the bush just causes more frustration on both of you. For me I let it go for a year and then I finally got hurt enough that I did not care how he felt about the subject, it needed to be dealt with. Once it out in the air, you will both feel better and you can see a doctor together to work on solving the problem. I am a very vocal person and my husband is not so when we to the doctor, I was the one that explained the situation to him. The doctor was great in explaining everything in a manor as not to embarrase my husband anymore. Now, whereever we go, cialis goes, and we are both happy now. Good luck and keep us posted.

[KKCC]

Thanks for your comments! Hmm..talking to him about it...hmm...I will have to find a way to do it iwth great care if so. He is quite successful and confident yada yada (outside of the bedroom I mean, ha ha) and you know it can get quite iffy with such a topic so I think this will be a rather tough challenge if I were to do it. We've certainly made some progress in terms of talking cos the first few times, nothing was said about this and I went away really perplexed and wondering what I've done so wrong to cause such a mild reaction. The last time, he did say upfront that he has performance anxiety. So maybe that's some admission in a sense and it's an opening for me to talk about it the next time.

Cialis? That's a thought :)

[KKCC]

Yes I think he should be on some meds. He has gout and mild diabetes but I have no idea what meds he's taking. I have been with other much older men but so far, no such encounters. Maybe one of the many reasons could be meds. Sigh I certainly will try check it out

[KKCC]

Thanks for your comment. I will certainly try do some of what you said the next time around. In hindsight I think we should have slowed it down a lot more. He did admit to having performance anxiety and so we took it slow but after a while I said I wanted to reciprocate orally and maybe that made him more nervous all over again.

[jml1986]

I would guess that is because of some medication he is on. However after he tried and failed the first time I would say anxiety also comes into play. I think you should talk to him about it. Sure he maybe a little embarrsed but in the end he will understand and will be happy that you are willing to stick with him through this. My husband is older then me and is taking some medication that can hinder him from getting an erection, but when he went on the medication, I made sure he got cialis so we would not have any problem. Gotta tell you, it works like a charm.

[uvlvrebel]

is he taking any medications?  i was with an older man (25 yrs older) that had erectile problems and it was due to his taking valium.  other meds can affect the errection too.  but there are meds out there to help too- even natural herbal remedies (goat weed?)

[SeriousSam]

No ejaculation?  Almost 90% likely anxiety.  Particularly if you are younger, attractive, or if it has been sometime since he has had a partner.  To get over it?

I would suggest sleep naked together, cuddling, little pressure but though in no pressure mutual oral sex sessions.  massaging each other bodies.  reading erotica together bbefore bed after doing the shower thing together.  Just have a blast!!