Physical Boundaries between Father and Adult Daughter

[Lovenatures]

My long term boyfriend recently had surgery on his leg, groin and abdomen. When he was in hospital his 28yr old daughter visited him and they discussed that when he went home that she could change his dressing. I do not know whose idea this was, he did not tell me this part.  The nurse showed the daughter how to change the dressing and he didnt have any underwear on as it would make it more difficult to change dressing.  As far as I know they were not the type of family that walked around in the nude. There is a home nurse service that would have done this. I am not sure if she actually did change his dressing.  My gut feeling is that I think this is inappropriate for a adult daughter to be touching her father's groin area even if its for medical reasons, she does not live with him and has a partner and its the home nurses job. I do not think anything sexual would have happened but it still makes me feel very uncomfortable.  Am I being over-sensitive?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm wondering if you asked f you could learn how to change your boyfriends dressing. You haven't mentioned any pertinent details.. like how many times the dressing needed changing, what other needs his may have while recuperating. Is he using the restroom himself.  How long the nurse will be with him daily and what his needs will be when the nurse is not there. Are you living with your boyfriend.or do you see him every night? Because if you were i would assume that you wouldn't necessarily need the daughter to help out with his dressings and i'm sure they both would feel more comfortable having you do this work rather than the daughter. IF that's possible. If it's not possible, i think i would let him deal with his problems with the help of his family as they see fit. .

My 50 year old male next door neighbour looked after changing his 91 year old mother's diapers for about 10 years. and was her only caregiver. Families do what they have to, perhaps to keep a parent out of a retirement or long term care facility to let their loved one live and die in their own home. Necessity is the mother of invention. . There was a nurse that came in, but certainly the nurse did not stay all day by any means and certainly did not look after all her daily needs. I always admire hearing stories of families that stick together in a crisis., and i'm not sure that what your bf's daughter is doing is any more or less than the above example... just being prepared like a good girl scout.

I know one thing, When my mother was in her last 5 years, and living with me, I regret that I didn't do more for her when i had the chance. I wish i could have told her that i'd always be there to look after her every need.and mean it.  I wish i had another chance to make it right. I wish i had of been mature enough to be able to be a personal support worker and help her with bathing diapers or whatever she needed me to do without making her feel uncomfortable because she's my mom and you only get one. I think kids need to give back to their parent's when the tables are turned and the parent's need nurturing from their kids. So as for your bf and his girl, unless you're there 24/7 to look after his every need, i think you should refrain from possibly jinxing what's happening and making those two feel any more uncomfortable than it already is for them. Maybe this is the exact right time and way for this girl to give back to her dad.I wouldn't get in the way of that, unless i was 100% able to take over the job completely because i feel that any man and daughter would not choose to see each others genitalia unless absolutely necessary.  Please remember, necessity is the motherhood of invention.  Thanks for your post.

[lynnePerucca]

I would not allow or permit this a parent or child, PERIOD. Though I hate to sound accusatory if everything else in their life have been "normal". I do know of (the closest person to me), a female, having too hold her 'first cousin's" penis for him in the hospital, to pee. (I am also very close to him).  Both are very innocent from and Deviance however.

[AnnieBrooke]

My dad had lots of professional caregivers when he was in his last months of life, and while they did a serviceable job, the quality of care was really various (some crummy and some good) and the family really did things better for him. If something was wrong, one of us would call the doctor. If he needed supplies, one of us would go to the store. We sang to him. We looked at photographs in albums. We read aloud. I certainly don't think there is anything sexual in a daughter helping a father change a bandage, if that is what you are implying by mentioning "physical boundaries." What is sexy about changing a medical dressing and cleaning a wound? Even my dad's non-professional caregivers (by this I mean some neighbors who came in to help) often ended up seeing my dad in the altogether. This is just a function of medical care.  Nobody caregiving would have had the remotest interest in anything that could be labelled sexually inappropriate.  

Visiting nurses can be great and less than great, and some people just don't want strangers in their house messing with them. Your boyfriend's daughter was probably just helping out. It was probably a comfort to him to have someone there who he trusted. It also might have saved some money; not all medical services are free.Maybe his daughter knew her dad didn't like the care he got last time and was trying to help; maybe she just offered. You evidently felt that having professional services let you off the hook for volunteering to change his dressing, that's fine to just not want to. But this does not translate into an edict that nobody else should volunteer either, especially his daughter who loves him. If we would have left my dad's care up to the nurses, he would have not gotten as good of a quality of care, appreciate them though I do for their hard work.

Sorry to remind you of this because I assume you will think I am rude, but the parent-child bond is not trumped by a long-term girlfriend. He has his relationship with his child and she has her relationship with him. It pre-dates yours and they understand each other pretty well after 28 years. You might have disliked his daughter helping him because you were reacting to the evidence that they have a bond. Don't do that. Of course they have a bond.

[Lovenatures]

Thank you nighthawk for your comments.  Maybe I wasnt clear on the mobile nurses.  They would visit him at home daily or as required to change dressing so no need for anyone else to do this.  He had the nurses visiting him with his previous surgery so daughter would have known this. He lives on his own and I would visit and cook him some meals.