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968185 tn?1248255581

Please, I need an some opinions!

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!
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960021 tn?1270662682
Sam... What you just posted makes complete sense [to me] and I know that other members here on the forums will agree with this point you've made.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I do apolagise--kind of.  You can understand why it would be kind of odd for one damaged person to be evaluating another damaged person as a partner though.

Be blessed.

Helpful - 0
960021 tn?1270662682
You seem like a fine 22 year old woman who surely has her head on straight, even though you've had to fight your own battles when it comes to other aspects of life. I just hope that everything works out in your favor; You just have to keep telling yourself that everything you've learned about life has everything to do with the following three words:

IT... GOES... ON...
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968185 tn?1248255581
Yes, I keep coming back to that conclusion too. I want to think otherwise because he is a really good guy but I think maybe he is too damaged. I just have to find the strength to end it, but it is so hard because I really think if we kept at our relationship we could make a life together. Ok, I know you guys don't really agree with our relationship, but if I told you more I think you would change your minds. Just to prevent more misunderstanding I will no get into too much detail this time, but do you think if you have a good relationship with someone you wouldn't be compatible to be a parent with, would you leave him or stay and not have kids? I will try really hard to just take your advice..... and keep in mind I am bipolar so I am not sure I should have kids anyway anymore now I think about it. I could take the chance and my kid could be able to cope usually like I can pretty well, but what would I do if my child did get the illness and it was more severe than mine is? I know my thinking may be inconsistent through this, but I change my mind as my moods change. I still want a kid, I haven't changed my mind about that, but maybe I shouldn't base my life upon it because maybe it will never happen? An I would like to say, before anyone comments, that very few people really know what they are getting into when they decide to start a family.... I just want to consider everything.
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960021 tn?1270662682
Believe it or not I understand where you're coming from. The only thing is, is that you included all that information along with the question. People know that you came here, posted a question that showed concern and saw the title of your post that was a cry for help and went from there with their advice to you. When it comes to a situation like the one you're in right now, the additional information can be determining factors when it comes to what sort of advice other people feel would be beneficial to you and your current situation. A lot of times people will give a yes or no answer, but then back it up with their reasoning behind that yes or no response, if that makes sense.

Either way, I know what you mean. I read the post from start to finish and as you can see from my initial response to your question up above, even I routed myself in placing information you handed to us to justify why I felt my advice would be somewhat beneficial to you right now in your situation. You put the other tidbits of information out there for a reason, and I highly dount it was for the soul purpose of just having something to type in your spare time. These are obviously things and facts that bother you as well. Otherwise it would have been left out. Once again, I could be wrong and I'll owe up to that if I am.

So here is my ADVICE to your question then, as I do not have all the answers even though I wish I did at times... HAHA!

I do not think he would be a good father to a child conceived with you or anyone else from this point on. I do not know him personally, so I'm only basing my advice and/or opinion based on ALL the information you've placed to everyone here above.
Helpful - 0
968185 tn?1248255581
I am not 18, I am 22. The reason I may seem to get defensive is because I did not ask advice about our age difference. I didn't ask advice about his past or our past. I didn't ask whether I should have kids if I am bipolar. I asked whether people thought he was changing for me or for his kids. I noticed a lot that people read things and jump to conclusions, which is probably why I became defensive. The information I included on here is not to give you background info on any of these other things, it was to ask people's opinions on the question I asked. I don't think anybody even answered my original question...... everyone just jumped on his age or he didn't want any more kids at first or anything else. This was not what I wanted to hear people's opinions about, it was all small pieces of the picture that I thought might be relevant to the situation. If I just came on here and said Will my boyfriend be a good dad? everyone would be like how in the world would we know? I got defensive because people saw some of the small parts of our relationship I chose to share and decided to tell me about that. I'm not asking about mine and his relationship, if I was I would surely have given different info. And if everyone just answered the question I asked I would have listened to the advice. Doesn't it make sense all these other subjects that were brought up have a lot of different info about them than what I first posted? I wouldn't even say I was being defensive- if somebody has something to say about things they don't know even a small part about shouldn't I give more info? I probably should have stopped this in the first place by just saying that people were not answering the question I asked, but being who I am I didnt.
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