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Avatar universal

Pregnant 14 yr. old....

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, however, I did go to the teenage preg. concerns and it seemed like it was a bunch of kids wondering if they were pregnant...so I thought I would come here for some advice.

My  14 yr. old step-daughter is pregnant. Believe it or not but we weren't that surprised when the test came back positive because she had been living with her mother who let her sleep over the boyfriends house. About 2 months ago when we found out she'd been spending so much time with the bf, her father (my live in BF---great guy) called up his ex wife and demanded that #1..she stop spending so much time over there and #2..she be put on some kind of birth control. Now before you start thinking "why didn't you keep her with you"...we tried. The mother said she would have us in court, and the 14 yr. old said " living with us is LIVING HELL" and she would make our lives miserable and start cutting and hurt herself. We also have my BF's other children living here (13 &16) and she disrupts and influences both in a negative way (espec.the 13 yr.o) She is very manipulative.

The mother up until 2 days ago had been living in a welfare hotel and we could not understand why the 14 yr.o would rather live there instead of our home where she would have her own room, great school and everything! Well, we soon found out that her mother lets her smoke cigs, curse with no regard and that she had been expelled from school...so this kid has been living with no rules or guidance. The 14 yr.o would only contact us about once a month because she said that's all the time she can handle being with us...lol...her father was so hurt!

So...she called the other day and asked if she could come and stay with us..no problem...she then confides to me that she and her 16 yr.o bf broke up and she might be pregnant. I got her the test and it was positive! I CANNOT tell you how shocked I was! The next day we told her dad and he went and got her mother to talk about this and the 14 yr.o wants to keep the baby...no abortion...no adoption...she's going to raise it herself!

We live in NY and the laws state that you cannot force a minor child to do what they don't want to do...so guess what..."we're having a baby"! Her father and I are besides ourselves because we will be the ones raising this baby because the 14 yr.o is so irresponsible and lazy (not to mention the financial aspects as well as the emotional ones) and the mother has a 6 yr.o that she can't take care of, no job, no car and if she doesn't get her **** together she'll be right back at the welfare motel!

Ok...this is where we pretty much stand and after all this, I really did have a question...lol. Is there ANYTHING we can do to convince this kid otherwise? Is there some kind of program that can give her a reality check so she knows what's in store for her future? It's soo hard for me to understand that we as parents have no rights...PLEASE HELP!

P.S...we told her that since she's pregnant there will be NO SMOKING, no running around with her friends and she's going to start a proper diet. She has a doc appt. tomorrow....

15 Responses
1035252 tn?1427231433
no...honestly you cannot force her, and SHOULD not force her to have an abortion. what you CAN force her to do is take some freaking responsibility. she can be required to get a job and contribute to a fund for her baby's future...you can have her be the one in charge of finding furniture, clothing, equipment, etc for the baby...and if you're going to help her get established financially, you give her a small budget for these items and tell her if she blows it that's it. the other option is...she adopts the baby out. she has two choices, "cowboy up" and start doing things NOW to prepare for this child, or she can adopt the baby out. tell her that you will not be raising HER child. you're willing and happy to help her, financially, emotionally, what have you...but that you require an effort on her part because it was HER irresponsibility that led here.

I would recommend you not be confrontational about it. you can even sit her down and ask her "what do you think is fair while we get ready for this baby? what do you think you should contribute, and what do you think you want us to do to help you?" and when you're done with that conversation...just walk away for a few days. hold on to what she says to you, think about it, and work out some sort of a compromise that doesn't get her fur up or she'll never make an effort...14-year-olds are stinkers that way. but make sure you come back to her a few days later and say "this is what we think is fair for us to do to help you with this baby, and this is what we think it's fair for YOU to do."

I'm sorry you guys are stuck between a rock and a hard place...but I Think that forcing her to an abortion is the wrong idea. you may be able to talk her into it, but trying to force her to make her feel like that's her only option will not only cause her to resent you, but it may become something that she regrets for the rest of her life and it may destroy whatever self confidence and image she has....so I would say that you may just have to let go of that option.

You also need to look into getting the father to start contributing financially as well. once the baby's born and you can prove paternity, you need to already have all the paperwork in order to file for child support. your step-daughter can be a part of the process preparing for this, so have her take a proactive stance.

honestly this battle may not be as hard as you're expecting it to be...even a 14-year-old will find that pregnancy and childbirth changes their life. don't give up hope that she'll come around and do what's necessary, because once reality begins to settle in I think she may begin to change faster than you can believe it.

Good luck
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh.  Double ugh.  Triple ugh.  Those are all technical terms to let you know that I feel for you.  

Clearly this child has had an unsupervised, unstructured  lifestyle and really the idea of her being a parent is a little much based on how her mother has been acting.  Her role model makes her think that kids are accessories as she has been treated herself.  I hope I don't sound too harsh but boy do I feel horrible for a little innocent baby being born to into this kind of life.  

What is it you'd like her to do?  I think adoption is a wonderful thing-------- Catholic Social Services is a good organization to work with and there are many private ones.  I think I'd have a heart to heart with her.  Here is the deal . . . the law says you can't force her to do anything.  But---------- her life changes.  I'd tell her that she has to finish her education on line, no going out with friends, since she is 14, she is limited with what she can do for work outside the home . . . but she can be your new maid.  She must clean the house, do the dishes, take out the trash.  If she does not, she goes to her mothers and you call social services and have her served papers for neglect.  You don't want to do all of this . . . obviousy.  But she needs to see that she isn't bringing home a baby doll.  There are things to consider.  Unless you are willing to raise this child as your own, then you need to her to see adoption is the best answer.

Her future will be carved in stone with this.  And it is not the greatest.  I'd stick to the extrememe rules.  Really----------- no friends or boyfriend.  She starts working for you.  Her life is forever changed and it starts right now.  If she can't handle that---------- she needs to place this baby up for adoption.  

I'm speaking bluntly because I just feel too terrible for this new life that is being born into chaos.  So sad.  I wish you luck as I think you will need a lot of patience to deal with this all.  
Avatar universal
specialmom is 100% right.

it's time this little girl learned some tough love and that the world doesn't revolve around her. if she plans on keeping the baby she has to realize her life is over. no hanging out with friends whenever she wants, no sleeping in or staying up late, no vacations anytime, no shopping sprees. her life is that child now. i think the extreme rules are a WONDERFUL idea. if she can't handle cleaning a house...how does she intend on taking care of a baby? and she does need to realize that this little life she is bringing into the world is not an accessory to play dress up with. it is just that...a life. a child that will be dependent on her for every little thing.

if she's not prepared for all of that...adoption is definitely a good idea.
Avatar universal
Hello all, this is the Dad of the 14 year old.  Fisrt, I want to thank those who have taken time out of there day to help shed some light on this for us.  Me and my wonderful GF have been reading through these responses and are in agreement with the tough love approach.  After the fisrt response we realized there are few options for work for her so, we decided that she could become the new maid.  We both know where my daughter and her baby are going to end up with us in our house.  The problem we are confronted with is what to do now.  Now she wants to continue to live with her mother and half brother in a one bedroom apartment.  The mother also thinks this is a good idea because that's where my daughter wants to live.   But, I know her mother is not going to make her live by strick rules.  Do we let her go with the mother until that is not an option any longer;  then, deal with the damage done by the mother afterwards?
Avatar universal
Look deep down inside...and think. This is no longer about your daughter but about that baby. You must do what is best for the baby. Will your daughter get the proper prenatal care? Be reminded to take her prenatals? Make every appointment? (since she's a teenager her appointments are even more important b/c teens tend to be at a higher risk for health problems for not only them but also the baby) will she quit smoking? running around? drinking? (if she does) if she refuses to stay with you...seriously consider contact child protective services. that is not a healthy environment for her, the 6 yr old child or an unborn child. if they get mad at you...let them be mad. the safety of the children is what is important.

as far as you guys raising the baby...how do you feel about having another child? is it something you would want to do? if it is...and you don't think daughter will be a good mother or  can't handle a child yet...what about asking her to sign over her rights and letting you guys legally adopt the baby? that way you will know that the baby is getting the best in life and not having to worry. if not...talk to her about adoption. a 14 yr old just can not support a baby. she can't get a job, isn't in school (she wouldn't even be able to become a manager at mcdonalds...even they require high school diplomas)...the baby is getting the short end of the stick with her. i'm sorry if that sounds mean but...she's not what's most important anymore. that little life growing inside of her is. she was able to put on her big girl panties and make the big girl choice of having sex...now she has to make some more big girl choices when it comes to her child. her flesh and blood. and honestly, in my own personal opinion either you two adopting the baby or an outside adoption would probably be best.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you do NOT let her stay with her mother.  The point of the next few months is to show her how her life will be changed by this decision and that she is no longer in charge and "just a kid".  It's over once you are pregnant ------------  no matter how much she doesn't believe that.  And if the goal is for her to make this child available for adoption (best for EVERYONE) ------  then the next few months are critical for showing her how life isn't going to be so hot at 15 with a baby.  School online, no friends or boyfriend, and she must earn a living.  She also will NOT have live in babysitters------- make this clear to her.  This is the only way for her to see right now that her options are limited and one is the best.  Of course, this is just my opinion.  And if she is choosing to stay with mom and all . . . well, a call to social services on the situation is in order.  Her mom is not parenting at this point.  Her 14 year old daughter smokes with her while pregnant.  Start an investigation into how supervised this girl is with her mother if need be. Not fair for you to have rules in place, bio mom does not and then she shows up later for you to clean up the mess.  

Now I get that it would probably be easier to just let her stay with her mom . . . but you have only a few months to have her see the light.  
Just my opinion.  I'm sure this is beyond hard for a parent.  Good luck
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