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12776634 tn?1427324562

Problem with bf and porn...

We've been together on and off for over two years.  The sex was incredible...pretty much anything goes...He watches porn REGULARLY (he's an addict) and I don't  have a problem with it..we used to watch it together, I love to give bjs it gets me off.  But lately, he doesn't even want me to suck  him.  I feel  ugly, unattractive, unwanted.  I decided last week to stop initiating sex, as an experiment...and he'll just say "do you want to suck it" or "wanna get me hard and I'll **** you"?  Idk then I get him hard, and there's a problem...his penis is cold, or he has to pee, or "lost it"..whatever!!  I just want him to want me...I have tried everything...we have made our own porn in the past, we've used toys, I dress up...etc. etc.  He is very stressed about his life and work, but he's been that way before and it has never interrupted the usual passion that we have.  It just seems like "the thrill is gone" and sex is a huge part of me and my being, as well as his being.  Also, I should mention that he never tells me he loves me, and doesn't ever kiss me...he's totally unaffectionate...NO FOREPLAY...which I also love.  I just feel completely fat and ugly, and undesireable....and NO, I am very attractive and sexy....Any advice????  I believe we're soul mates, but my soul mate would WANT me right??  :(
6 Responses
Avatar universal
Although there's a lot of on-going debate about the validity of sex as an addictive 'disease' (in the same way that food is examined as an "addiction"), there's little argument in the professional community that pornography can turn into a compulsive behavior that destroys people's lives, the same way that alcohol or drugs do.

Pornography over the last two decades has changed drastically with the evolution of the Internet. Did you know that porn studios actually are aware of how the brain works--it's pleasure-reward center and how over time, what was once enough, no long suffices to produce the same pleasure-related hormonal release? They then up the ante with content as well as shortening movies into bite-sized clips for quick turn around. It's been noted that the majority of men who regularly watch pornography quickly develop a watch,click, watch, click behavior until their brains find "the right" scene that "works" for them to release. As time goes on, the time it takes to hunt down and release grows longer and longer. In the meantime, the brain builds tolerance. Intimacy no longer includes another human being, and often, sex itself can no longer bring turn on or climax. Many men--particularly those who came of age after Internet was widely available--already struggle with orgasm in their early-to-mid 20s, an affliction that usually doesn't strike until a man is well into his 50s! Porn taps into the part of the male brain that evolved to procreate--to perpetuate the survival of the species and creates an endless loop that literally destroys his ability to enjoy sex. It develops into a miserable cycle for many that requires complete abstinence to begin to recover regular use of their penis and to have or maintain a healthy sexual relationship.

Regardless, you are in a relationship that leaves you feeling less-than, with a man who puts you last. This is not healthy. It isn't healthy for him, for sure, but your job is you and you must create some protective boundaries around yourself right now. Like in an airplane emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting someone else. Please, reach out to a professional to help you with getting support--emotional support that will help you build back your self-esteem. You must ask yourself: Would this be acceptable to you if you were treating him (or anyone!) in this way? You know the answer to that, and it's not okay for you to be there subjecting yourself to the fallout of his addiction. You deserve to be happy, even if it is very painful to walk away.

I responded to your post because I KNOW this one. Same length of relationship. Same scenario. Same erosion of my self-worth. It would have been impossible to recoup my sense of self if I had stayed. Under the circumstances, I could not separate my own needs from his and he was simply unwilling to address his with zero ability to recognize or hear mine. I was stuck in a spiraling loop of insanity. It is painful to cut out and tend to self. It is tragic on some level. But it is not your tragedy, and it won't be, unless you choose to stay, hoping he'll meet your needs. He can't and that has zero to do with you.

Please look up some resources online. There's a wonderful TED Talk about pornography's effect on the brain. There are also numerous studies about porn, the Internet, and the wide-spread and growing problem with young men's sexual function. There are numerous reddit groups--tens of thousands strong--of men who have chosen to abstain from porn and recover. Going out on a limb, also look up the correlation between (certain) drug use/addiction and porn addiction.

It is not your fault and you are beautiful and deserve to know that, deep down, on a daily, on-going basis. EVEN IF YOU PARTICIPATED at some point, none of what I just said is remotely untrue. You're worth being happy and whole. I'll be thinking about you.
3149845 tn?1506627771
You mention hes stressed at work but was he into porn before that job? Also the real issue here is balance. Hes way out on the deep end with the porn and needs to be reeled in a bit. Hes loosing sight of the world around him, which includes you and is living in fantacy land.
Living in fantacy land can be a distraction to take away stress but it also prevents us from dealing with the real underlying issues we are having.

Adding some spiritually in your relationship might add some balance. Im not talking about heavy religious matters but a simple Creator conscienceness and a simple prayer at dinner together giving thanks to all the good you have.

Im speaking of awareness that we are part of some grand experience and not merely here for self edification. Losing sight that our world could be turned upside down at any moment and being thankful that this moment is not upon us now can put us back into perspective about what life is really about.
7052683 tn?1392938795
Hi Jenk,

I have to say Ventrix has written a very intelligent and informative post for you to understand what might be happening in your relationship.

I will only add that perhaps a sex counselor would help you and your partner see each others side of the coin....and perhaps see how much the visual addiction to porn can have very serious consequences in real life for a relationship that was once very satisfying to both of you.

After all you are in this together--it is not all about him or all about you. Just sayin

Good Luck,
CML
12776634 tn?1427324562
Thank you....I agree with most of what you have said...I *know* that he is addicted...this is just one of a few...he's still an alcoholic and a workaholic...used to be a "Jenaholic" but not anymore. :(  He has been doing the "watch, click" **** for a long while now.  He wakes up on his own at midnight...that's when they update the "new porn"....he's a paid member...at four or five that I know of.... I used to wake up, see him jacking off...and then basically attack him and we'd have awesome sex with or without the porn...we have an extensive collection of porn that we have made together....and I love every minute of that....I'm talking some kinky stuff, like using a microwaved cucumber, and one time we duct taped one of my dildos to one of his saws....I am a freak, and possible a sex addict in some ways, in my own right....Anyway...I hate waking up now because he doesn't want me anymore...and I am struggling with an already low self esteem.  He is not going to want to "talk" this out...he equates spending money to love....he was only affectionate in the beginning, and now it's gone.  I, on the other hand, equate physical affection and sex with love...I know I do...so I'm feeling really unloved right now.   I will check out the stuff you mentioned.  Idk what to do...he's my best friend, and I love him.  I need to go to sleep now.  I didn't realize that my email would not show me that someone had responded...so I never checked until now...and I've got two more responses, which I can't even read right now  I need to dwell on all you've said in my head..I'll be back in the morning....
12776634 tn?1427324562
He's been addicted for decades....it has only just started to become a "problem" since his libido is decreased...I just watched the Ted talk, and he's definately suffering from ED....I now know and understand exactly what he's going through, and why....but it's all about him, and his brain....and nothing to do with me and my appearance..etc.  Unfortunately if I share any of this with him, he will only become defensive....and deny he has a problem, and I know he will never quit....unless he comes to the conclusion on his own.  I can find some solace in knowing what's really going on.  He is my best friend, he is my love...I'm just going to have to suck it up....and hope he comes around on his own.  I just can't give up on him, and I can't leave him.  I hope this too shall pass....he's very close to not being able to *** at all....so he's got a wake  up call coming!!!!  I'm going to keep on loving him, and not take it personally.  
12776634 tn?1427324562
Thanks!  Please read above replies, I don't want to keep repeating myself! lol  I'm going to seek out help for dealing with this on "my side" of the problem. and see if there are any things I can do for him, to help him, without bringing it up head on.  I feel now, like I just need to accept it, as a temporary problem in our relationship that will eventually be dealt with, when HE realizes for himself what porn is doing to HIM...and that it is affecting our relationship negatively.  
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