Progressing in Intimate & Interpersonal realms...

[psyvamp]

A little while back, DH & I had a VERY long and difficult discussion... after a very big blow up round about his internet porn use ( and hiding it from me) right at christmas... ( and how I found out, etc... how it hurt me-- to me it IS cheating) ... and he has always had a no communication-- verbally, etc. about our intimate life-- even when asked straight out-- allways I would get the same answers-- "i don't know", "it doesn't matter" , 'whatever you want to" etc. etc. etc. OR he would just shut down & completely IGNORE any communication-- even physical...  We've come a very long way... We had a good cleansing "ritual"... we had a bonfire-- burnt alot of past memoirs, from our personal past-- as well as pix, etc. from his previous marriage that had been boxed up for years-- that he had avoided going thru...  I even burnt all of my journals, ones I'd written on paper from years along during our relationship, especially the ones about our problems with intimacy and communication... I admit, I had even kept documentation from every time I had found porn on his computer... burnt it all. I had a pretty   intense PTSD/mental breakdown and told him everything (bad) that had ever happened to me in my life... and hoe i felt about it-- I let out So much pain & anger and resentment that had been built up for years.... I guess i let go of so much, that I found alot of my frustrations and anger with him was misdirected - and unseen- pain from my past.... Anyway, we have been able to move forward so much more since... and it's great... but sometimes-- that nagging fear in the back of my mind keeps telling me I'm just opening up yo get hurt even more-- and that I'm letting things go too far ( with our new-found intimate freedom and adventures- with each other) .... I get scared... Even though we both seem to be meeting EACH OTHER'S NEEDS much more easily, readily and enjoyably.... Just wondering if anyone else had been able to progress in your relationship, and needing to have a sound board -- from others, from a male point of view too.... ..

[rogelio63]

My experiences with porn addiction have been on and off over the years.  I've placed filters on my computer and an accountability service that lets my wife know where I've been on the internet.  It's helping.  With the BP, the hypersexuality is still there with the hypomania at times, but not being able to seek out fulfillment in pictures of someone else and seeking my wife for intimacy is great.  I'm getting to the point where I don't miss it.  And that's wonderful!
Rodger

[psyvamp]

I know DH does still PROBABLY struggle with porn as well, but much less often, and on a much smaller scale... He did tell me recently ( around the time of our bonfire & discussion) that he had picked up a porn magazine at work, and looked at it - this he said he'd done ' a few times'. *he works in the gas/oil field industry-- on long days & nights on rotations with a bunch of other males, who openly and joyfully engage in porn viewing (magazines, DVD's on personal players, going to strip clubs, etc). He said it is always around, and always so "in your face there", it's hard to avoid- but he has also told me that -since then - he usually just turns away or walks away when it's 'in plain view'... I think he is VERY STRONG to do this-- to even TRY to , and admit to me when he has been unable to resist, this says alot to me about his character and his respect for me. --Which he is still learning. :)

I have made so hard an effort to keep the PORN from controlling me-- in how I react to it and how I let it affect me. That's been tough too-- but getting a heck of alot easier, since i broke down and told him everything that had ever affected me ( bad) in my entire life... from the broken home, abusive step parents, drugs & alcohol ( my father & step mother) the molestation by my 'stepfather' that went on for several years when i was very young... my abusive previous marriages and my 1st XH SEVERE addiction to porn- and subsequent abuse of me because of it...  thus revealing to him-- and myself at the same time-- why i was so vehemently against porn in any fashion... and it revealed to him- and he was able to find some empathy for me, seeing all I had been through in my life... things I had not told him-- never mentioned in any of our 6 years  together ( 5 of which married) .... It feels like he "sees" ME more clearly, and is able to open up to me, himself a little more freely.

At 1st he was a little  upset that I had not ever told him much of this-- some I had given minor details of-- some I NEVER said a single word about... He'd felt a little "unworthy" and "left out" in the beginning, he said, but accepted it as what it was-- just issues that I myself had to find a way to face and reveal on my own..and I had to be in just the right state of mind to put it all out there all at once... I had to find it within myself to trust him enough to share it with him... and that was hard-- since having been so used and hurt in the past, I realized I had to take a chance-- and let the chips fall where they may, so to say.... I still have frequent internal battles with the whole thing, fears of what could happen , fears of being hurt and deceived again... just something i will have to learn to let go of...

I am enjoying sharing some 'porn' of sorts with him-- (he works a rotating schedule 15 days on day shift, 6 days off, then 15 days on night shift-- where we never see each other, and occasionally he has to be out of town for several days at a time on jobs) anyway, we've started sending each other 'nude' pictures, and texting racy thoughts, etc... not all the time...but sometimes... it's been difficult tho-- for me to feel really safe with him doing this-- but it keeps his attention away from seeking thrills from commercial porn, it heightens the excitement in our intimate relationship, because i feel more like it really is ME that he wants, that 'turns him on' and we are closer emotionally as well as on an intimate or sexual level... even so, it scares the sh- it out of me... to me- in our relationship, porn IS a form of cheating- because it allows a man to use another woman for excitement, stimulation and ultimately (self) gratification, and in my mind- this translates to cheating because he is allowing his sexual needs to be met by someone outside the marriage... and I see flashes of the past, and I fear progression in this will "stain" or damage the pure sexual intimacy we have shared up til now... ( again-- these being fears brought on primarily from past issues).........

Anyway-- there it is. Struggling to move forward and out-step the shadows of the  past, to find the light of true love, trust , respect and happiness in my marriage now and for the rest of our life together... and battling the Bi-polar, PTSD, OCD, anxiety, depression, and Fibromyalgia issues I have as well... all while working full time -plus, having 2 teenagers ( a 12 year old son & 17 year old daughter ), and the rest of the usual routines of daily life...

I do so appreciate your support, Special mom- and your reminders that we both are imperfect human beings....

[specialmom]

I think this sounds great---------- I really do.  You have done something very difficult-------  which is to make yourself completely vulnerable to him.  And he has accepted you with warmth.  That is TRUE connection.  To know someone so intimately is very special.  But making ourselves vulnerable like that IS scary.  

Remembering that he is human and you are human is important.  He very well may screw up something somewhere and hurt your feelings or upset you.  Don't let that discourage you.  Because he has shown you that he values this relationship and is authentically IN it.  

I've seen other couples progress such as you describe.  Yes.  And it is really wonderful.  So many go through their whole lives wanting to be truly known and understood by their partner and never are.  

So, my point is that feeling scared and questioning something new (this vulnerable closeness and meeting needs) is natural.  Hopefully time will show you that you can trust it to be your norm knowing that at times, our loved ones (and ourselves) fail.  Don't let an occasional set back make you think things will spin out of control.  Your opening up and connecting like this is a solid foundation to your relationship.  I'm glad you have built that.  Peace.