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Raped by Husband
My husband and I have been together for a while, however one day he did the unthinkable. I was beaten and raped by him all because at the time I just wasn't in the mood to have sex. It was nothing against him or no problems, I just wasn't in the mood and he snapped. I have since reported all of this to the authorities and he is facing possible jail time among other charges. The court date is coming up soon and since then I have had no contact with him, except when I was getting my restraining order when he told me he still loved me. I am deeply hurt and saddened and though it may sound stupid, I still love my husband. It may not be as much love as I once had before, but deep feelings like this do not disappear overnight. I find myself lonely and wondering should I stay with him or should I go ahead and apply for a divorce. I have since dated but nothing more than that because then the sake of my marriage vows come into question. I feel like I would be betraying him, but I cannot remain alone forever. I need a lot of help and advice. I also feel guilty for calling the police and putting him through this but I am going through the same thing, if not worse. I honestly don't know what to do in this situation.
-Concerned One.
-Concerned One.
File for divorce immediately. You deserve someone who you can trust and your current husband is not that person. Never compromise about violence, if it happened once, it will happen again. I would recommend not dating until you have resolved your feelings about the attack. See a counselor.
1 Comments
Thanks for chiming in. It's an older thread but am sure others have had similar and read things like this wanting help and support.
I want to commend your bravery for reporting the incident. Too many women stay and the longer you stay, the harder they make it for you to leave them. This man is dangerous and you would be prudent to walk away cutting your losses, which really aren't much as he is worth very little. RUN! Be aware of retaliation and continue to report any violations of his restraining order as I'm sure he will attempt to do.
you dont' get second chances when you rape someone......if you stop the divorce, do you think you can really go back to the marriage? I mean, what's gonna happen when he wants sex and you're not in the mood?
Good for you for contacting the authorities !!! You were raped like any other female and your husband also beat you. This man will do it again and I wouldn't be surprised if he has done it to other women.
Counseling would be good for you and help give you the tools that you need to deal with this. I can only imagine how difficult it is.
Best of luck to you.
Melncognito
Reading your story it almost mirrors my own. I too forgave him time after time and when he cried how things would be different and he loved me I wanted to belived him because I loved him. I was the one with the education and the successful career yet nothing I did was ever good enough in his eyes of course he didn't mind living off of me a good bit of the time. Even after I filed for divorce, pressed charges, and got a restraining order he contested the divorce which the judge pretty much laughed at. I am learning these men are narcissist. He did 18 months in prison for what he did and now he is remarried and doing the same thing to his new wife. The physical scars have healed but the emotionally ones have been the hardest to overcome.
Reading your story it almost mirrors my own. I too forgave him time after time and when he cried how things would be different and he loved me I wanted to belived him because I loved him. I was the one with the education and the successful career yet nothing I did was ever good enough in his eyes of course he didn't mind living off of me a good bit of the time. Even after I filed for divorce, pressed charges, and got a restraining order he contested the divorce which the judge pretty much laughed at. I am learning these men are narcissist. He did 18 months in prison for what he did and now he is remarried and doing the same thing to his new wife. The physical scars have healed but the emotionally ones have been the hardest to overcome.
I don't know how you could ever go back without the fear that it will happen again. In addition, people don't change and I think the trust has been broken in your relationship.
Please go see a counselor. This is a good time to start concentrating on you.
Please go see a counselor. This is a good time to start concentrating on you.
Is the there a Womens Crisis center in your town? If so I would strongly urge you to contact them. The one where I live was a God send to me. They have wonderful resources available.
I was not raped by my ex-husband but I was badly abused and I believed him after the first time that he was sorry and that he loved me and things would be okay for a little while and then for no reason the abuse would start again. I finally pressed charges and filed for divorce. That was 7 years ago and I have recently heard that he is now up on charges in a different state for abusing his new wife. It makes me sad. Your husband needs help too or he will just repeat the cycle. You owe it to yourself to get help for you and your kids if you have any. You need to get strong and as you do you will start to see things in a new light.
I agree with the other posters about not dating right now. The best advice I could give based on my own experience is take a year to get yourself strong. Allow yourself that time to recover before jumping into a relationship. I made a list of things I wanted to do, things as simple as what books I wanted to read, places I wanted to go, classes I wanted to take, etc. The year flew by and I had a feeling of accomplishment and new sense of who I was as a person. I re-married two years ago to a wonderful man who loves and respects me. There are happy endings sometimes they just take time.
You will be in my prayers. Please keep me posted.
I too agree with the above posters. I have been through a similar experience, but not raped.
In the past 4 years I've been with my now-ex-boyfriend (we've known each other for 8 years), I've filed two restraining orders, a warrant for his arrest, and had him arrested twice. And you know what? I actually kept forgiving him and falling back into the relationship trap because I really did love him, and dragged my son with me (his son too). I have just now reached my breaking point with him and got to the point where I've put up with his cr*p for so long that not only can I not take it anymore, but I don't love him anymore and I don't want my son following in his Daddy's footsteps when it comes to respecting women and suppressing aggression.
Let me tell you what he's done. First, he almost killed my dog right in front of me, because the dog had bitten his finger. The dog was terrified of him and very sick with stomach problems, and he went to pick her up with one hand under the stomach, and out of extreme pain and fear she bit him. He then tried to chase her down and pull her out from under a bed to "break her neck," all the while dragging me along screaming at him to stop and in hysterics. When he couldn't reach her under the bed, he gave up. I should've gotten rid of him right then, but no, I loved him too much and let him yell at me for getting upset that he tried to kill my dog.
Second, after I got pregnant, he turned on me, saying that what I wanted to do with my life (finish college, pursue a writing career in journalism or tech writing) was useless, and that I should join the military. Oh, and then he'd be able to go to college on my GI bill, live on my support, and stay home with my baby and we could get married. He and his family were all for this idea, but me, hell no! He got so mad at me for resisting a "good plan" that he was horribly verbally/emotionally abusive, and I was easily upset in my pregnant state by what he wanted from me, so I dumped him. Then he was SO sorry, and wanted me back, and admitted he was a jerk, etc. etc. He was so desperate he became like a stalker, hence the first restraining order. He violated the restraining order a few months later, just showed up at my house while I was alone, beating on the door and screaming and demanding that I come talk to him. So I called the cops and he was arrested.
But, I once again fell for the I'm-so-sorry-I-love-you-I'll-never-be-that-way-again-please-forgive-me-I'm-such-a-jerk BS, because I STILL LOVED the creep! Well, when I realized that he didn't respect me enough to not drink so much beer around me (my ex-step-dad is an alcoholic, so I have issues with drinkers who get the "alcoholic smell" even if they're not drunk or alcoholics), I kindly told him that we needed to step back and take a break from the relationship. He flipped out, left the house for about 10-15 minutes, and came back in falling-down, majorly beligerant drunk. I called 911 for fear of my safety and my son's, because he was threatening to drive away in that condition, and he didn't want me to stand in his way. The cops came and arrested him, tazered him, and took him to jail. I filed the second restraining order the next day.
Well wouldn't you know, almost a year later, I figured I'd give him another chance, because, you guessed it, I still loved him. Good grief, that sounds old now, huh? I've been with him almost a year, and you know what? Not much has changed. He's living in MY house, he's still verbally/emotionally abusive to me (and in front of our son), and disrespects MY accomplishments that he's mooching off of! So I kicked him out (but he still hasn't left yet, he's supposed to be out by this weekend).
He also has nearly forced me to have sex with him on numerous occasions. He's never raped me, but he's come VERY close to it a few times.
And me? I've had enough of my own stupidity to risk this again, especially now that my son is older. I'm getting counceling now, and it's really helping me.
Posting on this forum helps a ton too. There are good people here that will encourage you to stay strong and build you up.
This man raped you, and he was your husband. Don't subject yourself to that risk again. Take it from someone who knows, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN, and he will not change! You can still love him, that's expected, but in time that will fade and turn to anger, and you'll realize you did the right thing and love yourself more for it. With counceling, you'll learn to forgive and free yourself from your guilt and set higher standards for a good relationship in your future. You deserve it.
God bless!
In the past 4 years I've been with my now-ex-boyfriend (we've known each other for 8 years), I've filed two restraining orders, a warrant for his arrest, and had him arrested twice. And you know what? I actually kept forgiving him and falling back into the relationship trap because I really did love him, and dragged my son with me (his son too). I have just now reached my breaking point with him and got to the point where I've put up with his cr*p for so long that not only can I not take it anymore, but I don't love him anymore and I don't want my son following in his Daddy's footsteps when it comes to respecting women and suppressing aggression.
Let me tell you what he's done. First, he almost killed my dog right in front of me, because the dog had bitten his finger. The dog was terrified of him and very sick with stomach problems, and he went to pick her up with one hand under the stomach, and out of extreme pain and fear she bit him. He then tried to chase her down and pull her out from under a bed to "break her neck," all the while dragging me along screaming at him to stop and in hysterics. When he couldn't reach her under the bed, he gave up. I should've gotten rid of him right then, but no, I loved him too much and let him yell at me for getting upset that he tried to kill my dog.
Second, after I got pregnant, he turned on me, saying that what I wanted to do with my life (finish college, pursue a writing career in journalism or tech writing) was useless, and that I should join the military. Oh, and then he'd be able to go to college on my GI bill, live on my support, and stay home with my baby and we could get married. He and his family were all for this idea, but me, hell no! He got so mad at me for resisting a "good plan" that he was horribly verbally/emotionally abusive, and I was easily upset in my pregnant state by what he wanted from me, so I dumped him. Then he was SO sorry, and wanted me back, and admitted he was a jerk, etc. etc. He was so desperate he became like a stalker, hence the first restraining order. He violated the restraining order a few months later, just showed up at my house while I was alone, beating on the door and screaming and demanding that I come talk to him. So I called the cops and he was arrested.
But, I once again fell for the I'm-so-sorry-I-love-you-I'll-never-be-that-way-again-please-forgive-me-I'm-such-a-jerk BS, because I STILL LOVED the creep! Well, when I realized that he didn't respect me enough to not drink so much beer around me (my ex-step-dad is an alcoholic, so I have issues with drinkers who get the "alcoholic smell" even if they're not drunk or alcoholics), I kindly told him that we needed to step back and take a break from the relationship. He flipped out, left the house for about 10-15 minutes, and came back in falling-down, majorly beligerant drunk. I called 911 for fear of my safety and my son's, because he was threatening to drive away in that condition, and he didn't want me to stand in his way. The cops came and arrested him, tazered him, and took him to jail. I filed the second restraining order the next day.
Well wouldn't you know, almost a year later, I figured I'd give him another chance, because, you guessed it, I still loved him. Good grief, that sounds old now, huh? I've been with him almost a year, and you know what? Not much has changed. He's living in MY house, he's still verbally/emotionally abusive to me (and in front of our son), and disrespects MY accomplishments that he's mooching off of! So I kicked him out (but he still hasn't left yet, he's supposed to be out by this weekend).
He also has nearly forced me to have sex with him on numerous occasions. He's never raped me, but he's come VERY close to it a few times.
And me? I've had enough of my own stupidity to risk this again, especially now that my son is older. I'm getting counceling now, and it's really helping me.
Posting on this forum helps a ton too. There are good people here that will encourage you to stay strong and build you up.
This man raped you, and he was your husband. Don't subject yourself to that risk again. Take it from someone who knows, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN, and he will not change! You can still love him, that's expected, but in time that will fade and turn to anger, and you'll realize you did the right thing and love yourself more for it. With counceling, you'll learn to forgive and free yourself from your guilt and set higher standards for a good relationship in your future. You deserve it.
God bless!
"I was beaten and raped by him "
By reporting him to the authorities, and applying for a divorce, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Since he has done this to you once, literature suggests he will very likely do it again but once is more than enough for you to endure and reason for you to take the course of action you are on. As the other posters said, he vowed to love/honor you and he did nothing of the sought... by beating/raping you he demonstrates a lack of love/respect for you.
I absolutely agree with perty and socgirl that you should seek councelling and that it will take awhile to heal and not to worry about dating at present. There are plenty of fish in the sea and there is no rush to catch one at present. A support group would also be a good idea.
Take up some hobbies, hang out with friends, post obsessively on medhelp (LOL) to get through this time - it will take your mind of it a little and you wont feel as lonely.
By reporting him to the authorities, and applying for a divorce, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Since he has done this to you once, literature suggests he will very likely do it again but once is more than enough for you to endure and reason for you to take the course of action you are on. As the other posters said, he vowed to love/honor you and he did nothing of the sought... by beating/raping you he demonstrates a lack of love/respect for you.
I absolutely agree with perty and socgirl that you should seek councelling and that it will take awhile to heal and not to worry about dating at present. There are plenty of fish in the sea and there is no rush to catch one at present. A support group would also be a good idea.
Take up some hobbies, hang out with friends, post obsessively on medhelp (LOL) to get through this time - it will take your mind of it a little and you wont feel as lonely.
I agree with pertykitty. don't worry about dating or anything now...take this time for yourself. The trauma of rape can be be and is difficult to overcome...i can only imagine it's even more difficult when the rapist is your husband, the man that vowed to love and protect you.
I can also understand that you still love him, as you say you do. i've worked with many battered women and almost all of the claim that they still love their husbands to some degree. Before the abuse starts, there are often alot of fond memories and they don't just disappear overnight.
On the otherhand, you can love him, but leave and don't look back. He did it once, he'll do it again. Leave and take care of yourself anf love yourself. ultimately, it's your decision about what you're going to do. But, if you go back and forgive him, that (in his twisted mind) will tell him that it's ok and if he does it again...no big deal, you'll forgive him.
Be strong, seek help and don't become a statistic...become a survivor. Though i can already see you are a survivor...it took alot of courage to press charges on him and i'm glad you didn't hesitate to do so.
best wished
I can also understand that you still love him, as you say you do. i've worked with many battered women and almost all of the claim that they still love their husbands to some degree. Before the abuse starts, there are often alot of fond memories and they don't just disappear overnight.
On the otherhand, you can love him, but leave and don't look back. He did it once, he'll do it again. Leave and take care of yourself anf love yourself. ultimately, it's your decision about what you're going to do. But, if you go back and forgive him, that (in his twisted mind) will tell him that it's ok and if he does it again...no big deal, you'll forgive him.
Be strong, seek help and don't become a statistic...become a survivor. Though i can already see you are a survivor...it took alot of courage to press charges on him and i'm glad you didn't hesitate to do so.
best wished
you need to get into therapy very quickly. listen to yourself, you were raped by the man that vowed to love and honor you. his job was to protect and be respectful of you, and he did nothing of the sorts. you did not deserve anything of the sort, and i applaud your bravery. i think you need to not worry about dating, marriage, men. you need to heal. rape is a hard thing to deal with, i cant imagine rape by a so called loving husband. please if he beat and raped you once, what makes you think he wont kill you? do not become a statistic. when a woman is raped she feels it is her fault, what did i do wrong? it was my fault if i had only said yes. let me ask you this, if you were reading a post as i am reading yours, and a girl, lets say of 17 posted she had been raped by her boyfriend, what advice would you give her?? it is the same thing with you. husband, boyfriend, gas station attendant, dr, it doesnt matter, rape is a horrible attack that has to be dealt with in a corporal punishment manner!! i bet you to get into therapy, a support group, anything that will help you so you dont become weak. if you have put him in jail, think about what he will do to you when he gets out? it wont be a honeymoon, he may tell you from the phone while in jail its ok, but you may end up badly beaten.
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