Really like a married guy that wants me to join his family

Question

I'm married  but am currently leaving my husband, I am attracted to another guy from my work,went to his house and we slept together than come to find out that his married she would be OK with me and we would be friends like a sister wives thing. I really like him but I'm not sure what to do, he's also older than me.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

I also think that your kids might have a BIG problem with the type of arrangement you' and he are talking about. Even if they're under 10. If your soon to be ex is a good dad to them, they may really despise you and any guy so soon after ending their parents marriage. And your husband will honestly be able to say, the divorce is all your idea, so you're the already the bad guy. This could damage your relationship with your kids beyond repair. It seems that can't happen when they're kids, but kids will be your judge in jury when they're old enough. If your husband is angry you're leaving, and has a problem with this arrangement, you could easily lose your kids in a court of law.,k and you would have few supporters

Nighthawk61 · Answer

You have so much to think about, with very good advice as to protecting your job. I fully agree you should be taping conversations, and let him know that you've been advised (let him think it's by a lawyer) that you cease your relationship as you need to fully focus on your divorce and providing for your kids. i don't have much new to add to that., but i wanted to wish you all the best. Please let us know how you've handle this very interesting case.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Honey, you are so on the edge, be very very careful.  In your shoes, I would seriously consider putting a pocket tape recorder in your purse or jacket and recording some of your conversations.  Bring up his proposal that you move in and have a "sister wives" kind of relationship, and record what he says about it, and also any that make it clear he wants this relationship or instigated it.  Save any emails, print them out and save them at your lawyer's.  You need protection against some future day if it hits the fan that you had this relationship, especially if he claims you were the pursuer.  You need proof it was not that way, even if you just lock the tape in a safe at your lawyer's for your protection against things going bad later.  Even if neither of you intends things to go wrong, if a co-worker were to complain, things would be a mess.  You need protection.  

Sexual harassment law 101:  he has NO BUSINESS having a relationship with someone he supervises at work.  You could sue, a co-worker could sue, he could claim you are harassing him (though that probably wouldn't stick, it would not do well for you in your divorce case).  It's clear you don't consider it harassment because you were in a world of hurt when the two of you came together, but the moment he dangled some kind of unorthodox relationship before you and then wouldn't talk about whether his wife was OK with that, is when it reached a place where you have no business being in the relationship.  This frankly is true no matter whether you work together or not, but him being your supervisor, you are much more vulnerable.  

Please take this seriously.  If you talk to a lawyer, talk to one who specializes in sexual harassment in the workplace, so you know what might happen to you.  I'm worried that you could find yourself fired over refusing to continue the relationship.  If this happens, contact a sexual-harassment-in-the-workplace lawyer right away.

Inlove77 · Answer

Yes he is the supervisor at my work and he said he was waiting to make sure I was on board with the situation before talking to her but he still hasn't said anything about it and than when we do meet up he just wants to jump to sex.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

In fact, since you said this guy was from your work, I sure hope neither of you is the boss of the other.   If your job is a good one and you really can afford to take care of your kids on that salary, you should do everything you can to keep it.  Maybe even see a lawyer who does sexual-harassment litigation and describe what happened (like giving an affadavit) and have him or her keep it in a safe place.  If it comes down to a "he said/she said" situation, you want to be able to say that you were not harassing him, you were trying to get out of the relationship as soon as you learned he was married.  You sure don't want to be fired or sued for sexual harassment or anything like that.  In your shoes, I might even have any last conversations with the guy turning down his offer with a tape recorder turned on in my pocket.  This would be especially true if he is your boss.  If you do get fired over this, you need proof.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

I think you're on the right track to just leave your husband and call that marriage for what it is, a bad one, but not to jump into a morally questionable situation as an exit strategy.  You will expose your kids to a whole lot of weirdness (when compared to the standard way people live) and they don't deserve this.  Get your place, get your kids set up, rely on your family support and by all means keep your job.  If you really are curious that this guy was telling you the truth about his wife (and frankly it sounds like he wasn't, or she would have wanted to meet you and talk about it), you could up the ante and call her and tell her that her husband told you this and you want to know if it is true.  But frankly, in your shoes I wouldn't.  Chances are the guy is lying, and it's bad enough you already had sex with him, you don't want him to start lying about you to his wife ("She's crazy, she's hassling me at work," etc.)  I'd ease out of the situation with him pretty fast but without drama, especially since your job is going to be so important to you now.

Inlove77 · Answer

He hasn't talk to her yet, I'm not really sure where she is at or any details about her.

specialmom · Answer

I think you are on the right track inlove.  Being on your own will allow you to clear your head.  This doesn't sound like an ideal situation and I think you can find a better one, I really do.   good luck and stay in touch, okay?

Asdfghjkl2879 · Answer

Has the married man gotten back to you about his wife's response to the combined family idea?

specialmom · Answer

Then do that before you make a drastic life decision involving your kids by hooking up with a married man combining households.  Have some time with NO man to figure out what you want in life.  At the end, I'm going to go out on a limb that the idea of sharing a man with another woman will not be appealing.  Alone time in between relationships is key to getting into a good one down the road.  good luck

specialmom · Answer

I think a question you really need to ask yourself is if this is the kind of lifestyle you want to lead and if you are okay with your kids seeing this.  You're exposing your children to this too.  And also, often when unhappy in a relationship, we subconsciously look for a way out.  Can you live on your own?  Is the only choice to either be with this married man or to stay with your husband?

specialmom · Answer

Hm.  Well, I am confused by your post.  He wants you to join his family.  As in all of you would be family together--  you and his other wives, etc?  

Here's my take on it.  First, there is a right way and a wrong way to do things.  Starting up with someone new before being fully untethered to your current marriage (legally or otherwise) is important to having things work out in any new situation long term.  

Second, often when leaving a partner, we are vulnerable to bad decisions that are really just putting a bandaid temporarily on our feelings.  Then we regret it.  You definitely could regret this.  He may not be genuine and using you and you aren't in a position because you are vulnerable to judge that.

And third, I want to be someone's special person . . .  NOT just one of someone's special people.  Don't sell yourself short.  While this sounds intriguing to you---  for the average person, this would become icky pretty quick.  

So, make practical choices.  good luck

RockRose · Answer

Have you actually met her,  and witnessed her saying she'd be "okay" with him having sex with you?

seanlANG · Answer

What about your current Husband? you had to marry him for a reason. Have you tried everything in your power to make your marriage work? Chances are you and this guy will just be a fling.