Reg Wedding or Justice of Peace

[tabe616]

I recently had a baby and want to get married but my whole family (and his) are fighting about whether or not we should have a wedding or just got to a justice of peace. Now I want to marry him and want a wedding but not sure to do it right away because of the baby or just wait.

[SeriousSam]

Teko~ as a side note check the stats.  Mom's are the ones who leave the dad most of the time not the other way around.

[SeriousSam]

Justice of the peace, don't tell them. and a wedding ceremony if you want and only if YOU want.  But dang wedding out of the way.

[Tonya1125]

This is not the 1920's. This is the year 2008!! I have been with the same guy since I was 17 years old. We are now 27 and we have two beautiful little boys ages 3 and 5. We are not married and no one disrespects us for it! Look at most of the people in this world that have got married just because of the kids. They either stay together and fight ALL of the time or else they end up in divorce court. Follow your heart. If you can truely see yourself spending the rest of your life with him then do it. It doesn't matter where. What matters is that you two will become one in the eyes of god. And if you want to, wear white! Don't listen to other people. They don't have to live your life..........you do.  They don't have to wake up to that man's face.......you do. And if a piece of paper is needed to gain one's respect, would you really want the respect of that person? Find a little church somewhere, buy a white dress and tie the knot. If that's what YOU want........JUST DO IT. That's supposed to be one of those moments in your life that you'll neer forget. Do you want to remember driving to the court house, standing in front of a JUDGE and saying I do, then driving home to show the family a piece of paper so you can gain their respect? Only you and your man can make that decision.. You child will love you no matter what. There's no right thing to do.. Best wishes to you and your family:)

[Infinity78]

I know I am WAY late on posting on this and you might already be married by now but IF you aren't....I know how you feel.  I recently found out that I am pregnant and my boyfriend and I were planning on getting engaged sometime in the middle of 2008. We wanted to look at engagement rings after the holidays but when I found out I was pregnant, we thought it would be good to do the engagement with his grandmother's engagment ring then get one of my own later.  My mother, not so much my father, thought he and I should just go to the justice of the peace even before we got pregnant and it hurt me a lot.  In fact, I just told my mother how I felt when she said because I am pregnant, we should go to the JP before the baby is born instead of spending thousands of dollars on a wedding.  I keep telling her that I want a nice wedding, not a shotgun wedding or a cheapened one and that my boyfriend and I want to save for a nice one, nothing big and expensive.  I told her that I was doing my own flowers and we we buying a little here and there and saving the "bigger" stuff for closer to the actual day and not asking them to pay a single dime. She keeps telling me every time I mention something about the wedding (Which won't be for maybe a year or two) that she and my dad (actually my step-dad) were both married three times and the church weddings didn't work out, etc. that they were married by the JP, etc, etc.  But my point is, after reading your problem and then all the posts people made to you, I agree with them that you should do it when you and your boyfriend are ready and how you want to do it.  My parents can't treat me like an adult (and I'm almost 30 ) and it sounds like yours aren't letting you be one either.  But I think these kind people who have made these posts have helped the both of us.  I wish you and your boyfriend and your little one the best! Lots of Luck!

[mami1323]

Rock Rose you are ridiculous.  This is 2007 not 1950.  It is not an embarrassment if she decides not get married.  There are all types of families out there and a piece of paper does not make it less of bond.  I come from a single family home and I think I've done pretty good for myself.  I am pregnant right now and not married yet.  We were planning our wedding when oops little surprise.  We decided that we will get married at city hall and then after the baby have the wedding we were planning for.  I am not embarrassed and don't feel judged and if people do judge me than who really cares.  I am happy and could care less what people think.  

My thing is do what makes you happy...if you want to wait than wait.  Don't feel pressured from family or anyone else.

Good luck.

[tabe616]

we dont go blow money on "fun" we buy things for our son, like clothing and formula and diapers and food, plus pay bills on top of it. so we arent blowing our money on the "fun" your thinking of. but it is fun watching our son grow up. as for school. i'm in my second year of school without getting grants or loans so that requires money as well.. he is also in school but getting loans (which are going to need payed back in the end) so are we still selfish "children" in your eyes? as for daycare, its hard to find someone good and trust worthy to watch your child and to me, being my first child i get nervous. so right now he works night shifts i work day shifts.. it's hard, but you don't know my life do you. assuming that we are "young adults" who like to blow our money on "fun" instead of the baby. wow.. amazing.

[tabe616]

& to make it clear i'm not complaining about her, but my whole family and how they are acting. the main reason i moved out of my mom's house. see to find a better job takes a while. and i live in pittsburgh its hard. i mean you have your part time jobs like wal-mart, target and stores like them. but its all about how much you need to get paid. someone without a degree isnt going to get a job worthwhile. i mean i've applied everywhere and the only job i was able to get was a cashier at target. woo! big money there. my fiance works as a car salesman. and thats not good money unless he makes enough sales in a month. and either one of us getting a second job will be hard, considering the fact we dont want to hire a sitter because we cant find one we trust.

[pertykitty]

since you are unmarried and a mother, have you tried for grants? i got one for being a single mom at the time i went to school. try that. im sorry i do understand how hard it is and how expensive it is. no i dont know everything about you, just what you had wrote which was very vague. thanks for explaining it to me. i still dont get why you have to sleep in seperate rooms though. good luck in life and hope everything works out for you :)

[pertykitty]

you said "with the jobs we have (and im guessing this is what you meant) they way you are living".  does that mean since you have the extra money living with mom, that you go out and blow it on fun? see im seeing a different part to this whole thing. you both need to get responsible. i have another suggestion. why dont one of you go to school so you can get a better job. then the other can do the same. living is expensive these days, and a baby makes it even harder. dont take advantage of his moms generosity (sp) and then complain you dont like her rules. there is so much out there you havent experienced. i dont know where you live but here in expensive california you will pay average $800 for a 2 bedroom apt,(and i dont live in la or san fran), and that might not be in the best neighborhood. daycare for an infant will run you about $700 or more likely more a month. gas is 3.10 a gallon and that is just the beginning. it takes more than a min wage job to have a life that gives you what you want. im not trying to be mean, im just trying to help you out. im sure you will want to give the best you can for your little one. stop being selfish not wanting to go by their rules, when you two CAN get out and get yourselves your own place. my god, my dh works full time in the navy and was working a second job on the weekends as well. sometimes we have to give up our fun time and get real, especially when we bring another life into this world. what you need to do is make a financial plan. figure how much you need to make to live on your own and go from there. sorry but now i am seeing 2 young people who want their cake and eat it too.

[tabe616]

I'm living under his mothers roof and he's paying rent, so dont my morals apply? He moved back in so we could afford stuff for the baby. Full time jobs dont really pay much esp. with the jobs we have and were we are living.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

If you want them to leave you alone, you must act like grownups and get your own place.  You have a child and should be paying your own way.  I am sure your bf is only paying a minimal amount of rent.  As long as you live with parents, you will be thought of as kids.

[Trialanderror]

I did not know you did not have your own place. That changes it. If you live under someone else`s roof, their rules and morals apply - so, as Perty says, the only way out is to move out and on.

[pertykitty]

if you both work full time and are responsible enough to bring a baby into this world, get out of his families house. i know that sounds harsh but come on. if you live under their roof you are going to hear what they want to say. i know its expensive, but 2 people working full time can get a place. i say get a place of your own, ;that way they know you are serious about each other in a long time way. then when you save enough money for the wedding you want (and maybe you never will, but life doesnt go how we want sometimes) and i bet you by then you will have the respect of the family. i know some will say im being harsh, but coddling you and telling you simply it will be ok could be just a lie. since you dont have to pay for daycare an apartment should be withing reach very soon. good luck!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Then wait until you can have the wedding you want.

[tabe616]

We would really like to wait until we can afford a wedding. We both want to get married at the church we attend, but dont have the money to afford the wedding dress, etc. But my family is basically giving me a bunch of **** about living at his house. But if I still lived with my mother, then the father would barely get to see him. Because we both work full time jobs. While he's working I take care of the little guy and so on. So it's all for the best of my son. But my family doesn't get that and it upsets me. Because we arent married, I'm living in sin, even though I already asked for forgiveness because I'm not at my mother's house I am living in sin! It's just a big headache. Makes me want to just elope, but I still want my dream wedding.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I still say, do what you and your bf want.  

I am a huge fan of marriage, I so believe it is more than a ring (can't wear it on my swollen hands anyway) and a piece of paper.  As I have a faith, to me it was vows to God and to my husband, and it also was a public declaration of my intention to build a lifelong relationship with this man.  It was a sacred moment.  And when I am mad and feel like bailing, I look at our wedding picture and remember why I married him and I feel blessed.

You can have that special moment at anytime or anywhere or in any style yoou choose.  Ignore your families, listen to your hearts and you will be just fine.

[RockRose]

Tabe - wow,  that is brassy of your family to ridicule you for stuff they did themselves.    Do what you want,  on boards like this you can't tell WHAT'S going on in someone's life,  and it's kind of shocking to me that your grandmother (back when it was truly an embarrassment) did this too.  Carry on,  whatever.

Trial -  I feel like society has a huge place in weddings,  and births.     That's what a wedding is,  it's a public declaration and promise.  Its public by nature.  And I believe when you have a child,  society has every right to step in if you're out of bounds,  otherwise child abuse would be even more rampant than it is.  Which is not to say that some people don't have sucky families that tend to ruin everything all the time.

Take care all.  

[Trialanderror]

There are some occasions like the birth of a child or - to a lesser degree - marriage where society should play no role at all. Why should anyone allow to get the possibly most important days of their life get tainted by quarrels between families? Why would I want to remember my wedding day as the one where family members were exchanging their silly battles over nothing instead of being truly happy for us. There are rules in society that are overdue to be renewed. And this is one of them. To get a marriage certificate in one way or another can be beneficial with a child but when and how you do this is entirely up to you. It is good if you do not hurt society but you do not have to please them either. Especially not if you are busy with a new baby.

[ctsmom]

my dh and I went throught the same thing, his family really wanted a big church wedding, my family didnt want us married period.  we went back and forth between making ourselves happy and our family, we then sat everyone down and said that we appreciated their feelings, but this is our day, they were welcome to add suggestions on money saving tips and locations but the final decision was ours, we were engaged before we got pregnant but people still thought it was because we had a child.  Anyway we had a great small church wedding, even a great dance, we planned it in two months and saved a lot of money and no one said a negative word about it, our son turned 1 year old 2 days after the wedding, but it was something we wanted and our families did too,  good luck you can plan a regular wedding as fast as the justice of the peace, the church even did it for free and we even found lots of wedding dresses on sale for $100-200  our total wedding expense was $600 and most of that went to the dj for the dance.  oh by the way we are happily married and expecting our second child a little girl in June

[marra]

what do you want ?

what does bf want?

is it the same ?

yes------ then do that !

no------wait a while till you can decide what you want .

there is no wrong in loving someone and them loving you back , you live together and have a baby together . married a but for a ring a bit of paper , you are married in your hearts .you are a loving family and married or not that will not change .religion has a lot to answer for !
wishing you love luck and happiness x x x

[tabe616]

Wow, you remind me so much of one of my Great Aunts. It's kinda spooky. It's not their life though so why does it concern them. Listen my Grandma had 2 children out of wedlock and my Aunt had 1. So how can they be embarrased when they did the same thing?

[pertykitty]

while i do agree that loved ones should help with giving their opinions on if they are doing something that will mess their life up, cutting them down and namecalling wont help. heck it would make me leave my family. that isnt love to say harsh words. you have to get what im saying about that. what is done is done. it is what it is. they are a young couple that became pg before they were married, or possibly ready. lashing out now after the fact wont make things better. and maybe she really doesnt know if she wants to marry him. marriage doesnt work just because you have a child or your famliy wants it to. divorce stinks, and it hurts the kids more than you know. i think if they want to marry fine, but they do need to sit down with the familes and talk to them. tell them they have no right to treat them like sex crazed idiots! they deserve respect too, im sure their parents didnt all wait until they were married!

[RockRose]

Pertykitty,  that's not abuse!!  Heavens.  

That's the role of a family,  to tell you when you're really messing up, and to put pressure on you to cut it out. (I'm not saying she's necessarily "messing up" here,  that's open to interpretation,  but that's what a caring family does if they think a member is messing up.  They don't just pretend they don't notice,  or they don't just not care).

*step step*  (gets on soapbox)

That's the problem right now with extended families.  Nothing is considered "morally wrong",  and there is a general feeling that people who care and love you have no right to tell you you're behaving badly,  or making a huge mistake.  That's the role of the old people in the family- to tell you you're screwing up your life,  OR,  that you're doing great and keep at it.  It's not abuse.  It's helping generations to come learn from the mistakes of generations past.  

*step step*

[pertykitty]

to belittle someone about sleeping with another not married or having a child with them isnt love or caring,,,its abuse!! you dont torment the ones you love. i believe if you dont want to marry him dont! if you do , then do it when its time for you. as far as sleeping in seperate beds, girl!! you have a child together. ok not everyone likes MY opinion but here it goes. you have to cut those ties to the family. if you really love this man and want to be with him, but the family verbally abuses you both, get a life together and the family can be apart of it if they treat you with love and respect. im guessing you are young, and maybe not from the us,  or your parents are not. i say that because i know certain ethnicities are more against this situation. whatever the case, the two of you are a family now. how is a child supposed to understand love and family if mom and dad sleep in seperate beds and hear grandparents calling you fornicators?? good thing they arent mine, i would have said yes!! everyday and we love it!!