Relationship Problems

Question

Hey 

I really need advice on this please. I have been with my fiance for nearly 2 yrs now and there is a major problem which is really getting me down. Her sex drive is very low and mine would be quite high. I suppose it has been like this since near enough the start but I thought that it might have been the initial stages of a relationship. But I was wrong, and now I am in too deep to do anything about it, I have tried talking about it with her but have had no joy. I am not the type of guy that would go off with someone else since Im not getting it at home but it is really getting me down. If I have tried to initiate it 10 times I would get turned down 9 and that is not the nicest feeling in the world regardless when she says its nothing to do with me. I would say we make love once a week but nearly always stretches to once a fortnight and I initiate it every time. I will stress that it is not that I want to just simply get it...i really think that it is the connection thats made...corny I know but I think its true.

I really am at my wits end and dunno what to do

Thanks

BlackMagic72 · Answer

Wow - no joke, I have been in a relationship for a little over 6 months now, and my boyfriend has not wanted to make love/be intimate with me for almost 4 of those months. It has been KILLING me, the frustration has been driving me up the wall and has given me SO many horrible thoughts, like do I not please him? Am I no good? Is he interested in other women? I've seen lots and LOTS of porn videos he's downloaded/saved onto his computer - normally I don't care about porn because I know that everyone (more so men) watch it, but after seeing that I can't help but let it bother me. I feel like he would rather 'be with' the girls in the porn videos than actually have real physical intimacy with me. He's told me that it's his self esteem - he feels fat because he's gained weight over the past few months and that he's been really stressed over work, school, bills/money and those have all been factors, and he keeps reassuring me that it is NOT me and I'm NOT doing anything wrong and that he is attracted to me and wants me. He's also told me that he would want to even get off to the porn he's got, but he can't even do that because he hasn't been able to get an erection for so long now. I can't help but think well if that's the case, then why does he have all that porn that he looks at almost every day that I'm not at the house with him? Is it because he's trying to fix his 'problem,' or because he would just rather do that then be with me? I want to believe him and stay with him because I love him SO much and we're so great in every other way....I just can't help but let these bad thoughts and frustrations eat away at me because it's been so long and I'm just so worried. I hate feeling these ways, and I feel like my self-esteem & confidence which I thought were really great before, are now so much lower and almost gone. I just don't know what to do either, so I am completely empathetic and understanding of this situation. It's confusing, frustrating, and incredibly concerning.

teko · Answer

I dunno. I think you can love someone on many levels. If you do not have that "special thing" between you that sets you apart from being friends or roommates, then imo you really dont have a marriage. Marriage is a closeness on all fronts that sets it apart from other relationships in life. Plus its supposed to be for the rest of your life so if you cannot see you living this way for the next 50 years, to me it is a warning to not go there to begin with. Sounds like you make great friends but not lovers. Now if you have all these important things in the beginning and something happens years from now that affects the sex life, you have that special closeness you have developed thru the years to keep you together then. I think that is how it is supposed to work. If she is sore it is most likely because she either isnt into it emotionally, therefore her body is not properly prepared to accept you or you like rough sex or prolonged sexual encounters that maybe she isnt into?

els123456 · Answer

Its not ridiculous.........Im sorry but in my eyes making love is the closest most intimate connection anyone could ever get. You cant be any closer to someone then that. No matter how strong you are the frustration can be unbareable. All sorts of feelings run through your head and it doesnt matter how many times it is said that its not you. Alot of rejection is bound to have affects on your self esteem. And being honest it is on mine. Im not the shallow type to just up and leave cause Im not getting it but there is a bigger picture. I have to think of down the line with kids and the like where it just becomes all too much(which is acceptable on my part) and I have no choice but to leave. At the end of the day Im unhappy with 1 part of our relationship which in turn affects alot of parts cause i have frustration eating away at me and turning all the small everyday arguments into really big deals...if that makes sense.  I am "in" love with her and that is why I am on this looking for help. If I was a "typical guy" i  would have gone already and not bothered about getting help.

Judy246 · Answer

In the long run, if the guy is not getting or maybe if he is lucky once a week, it's a matter of time that he will go elsewhere or leave to lack of intimacy. It happens! After talking to her about his needs not being met, let's be realistic if he is high energy in intimacy and she isn't something is going to break sooner or later. It's just a matter of time. If he is in "love" with her, he will do everything within his power to make this relationship work regardless of this situation, if he loves her, but is not so much "in" love with her and is not getting it, it's just a matter of time that he will either cheat on her or just leave, because the relationship is not meeting all his needs .

HannahMarie1121 · Answer

That is ridiculous. I'm about to sound like the bad guy, but breaking up because you're not getting enough? That makes you sound like a typical guy. I am actually in the same situation. My fiance hardly ever wants to make love. Used to every day. And when I get upset that he doesn't want it that way anymore, he accuses me of caring about nothing but making love, which isn't true. When he doesn't want to or says he doesn't care, it makes me think he loves me less, isn't attracted to me, has someone else, or doesn't want that connection. He assures me its not true. But my point is, don't give up on your relationship over sex. It really ***** feeling that way, but its very possible to work through it

Judy246 · Answer

Not married yet? A blessing in disguise....don't do it. She might also have a medical female issue, but if you have a high sex drive and she just doesn't, then I see problems ahead. You might want to re-evaluate the relationship and consider someone who is more sexually compatible to you.....just food for thought.

els123456 · Answer

The few times we have started conversations about this she has said that she could go months without it no problem. She said she does want to keep me happy and in a way thats why she is doing it even though its not that often. Its not long after that the arguments start. Ah man...I dont know any more. Judy246...I think I mislead you there sorry. Im not married as yet. Thats really the thing. I dont know whether to go through with it or not, I really appreciate all this help. I will explain a bit more. She has issues with soreness(sorry if this is crude). She has checked this out but was told all is fine. My sex drive is high but I really tried to understand her situation and keep my drive under wraps alot of the time. You hear people saying that sex isnt everything but it always seems to be the people who have a healthy sexual relationship. I find when you have a healthy one sex is only 10% of a relationship but when is not healthy its 95% ya know. I think it is important yes.....love and trust are the major ones of course but there has to be intimacy. If there isnt that it might as well be companionship. Am I wrong thinking this?? I have mentioned that she should maybe consider going to see someone but I dont want to push the issue. Ya know yourself when you feel pushed into doing something you just go the opposite way so I didnt want that to happen. Now I think im rambling on!

Judy246 · Answer

If you are having second thougths about the marriage, how about meeting with a marriage counselor who are trained professionals to get down to the bottom of all the problems or if you want out of the marriage, then tell her that you no longer want to be in this dysfunctional relationship and seperate (or just file for a divorce). It's really up to you, if you want to salvage your marriage, need time away to think things over (seperation) or want completely out of the marriage then start planning next move then down the road file for a divorce. It's up to you.

teko · Answer

As well you should have second thoughts. Arguing only makes the whole process less appealing and frankly for her to not understand and want to correct things I would have to think she is not being satisfied somehow. That would bring it back to communication issues or her being self conscious of her body and or sexuality. You said it was like this since the beginning but I wonder what it is that is holding her back from enjoying it. It sounds like she goes along to keep you happy only. If I were you I would go to a sex counselor and see if they could give you some pointers on how to approach this. If afterwards you see no improvement or willingness to correct the situation, then I agree with the others.It may be time to re evaluate things.  Sex between two people should be compatible just like anything else and if it is not, it can lead to many other issues.

els123456 · Answer

Being honest it nearly always ends up in an argument when we talk....I always manage to say the wrong thing or something.....I thought we had a break through there a few months back but after a week it went back the same....its tough cause I dont know the right thing to say and what I do say is wrong....even if I plan what to say and I think its ok..its not......I know she loves me as I do her but if I was honest I am having 2nd thought about the marriage.

Judy246 · Answer

The foundation of a relationship is love, communication and trust, so, It's time to find the right time to sit down with her and "discuss" your concerns, all issues that need to be addressed and not meeting your sexual needs. Also ask her how can weboth  resolve each issues, before they start effecting the relationship to where it will necessary to re-evaluate the relationship. If you love her and want to work out your relationship, you must address all the issues of concern. If she continues not meeting you needs and not addressing or contibuting to solutions, then it's time for you to make a decision or re-evaluate your relationship. Good Luck.

Ch3ll3y · Answer

What does she say when you try to talk to her about it?

A lot of the time, if a person has a really low sex drive, it can be attributed to sexual abuse in the past, or to underlying physical issues. Ask her to talk to her doctor about it, and you should both think about seeing an intimacy counselor.

If all that fails, you might want to reconsider your relationship. Sex is a very big part of any relationship, and it is apparent that sex is very important to you. If you find that you cannot work together to find a satisfying compromise, it may be time to move on.