Relationship with a Hiv Positive Lady

[jumbojumbo]

HI...I guess i am posting in the right forum as tried to read many threads but couldn’t find preferred answer. I posted else but the thread was closed by moderators.
I am not here to know if i am Negative or Positive or any symptoms on window period. Making it short i need proper advice from great people like you who run this forum heartedly. Coming to my question I met a girl online and chatting with her we ended admiring each other and i personally decided that shes up for a long relationship...so we decided to meet up in a local public place. Meeting up and she bombed me with sad news that she is HIV positive. She was infected by her ex bf who cheated on her. Atleast she was bold telling me the truth. I still want to continue relationship with her after seeing the boldness of her telling me the truth and honesty. PLEASE NOTE: She found out shes positive 5 months back and shes not taking any medicines as she cant preserve it home fearing her family will come to know and might cause her problems (parents might commit suicide) How safe can i be to continue this relationship ???? Please advice !! 

[hopefulforfuture]

Dear friend ..pls read their answers again.... Ultimately it's your decision but lots of good advices have been given . Thank them if possible. Few websites give this level of support. And I admire their patience

[jemma116]

Enjoy your friendship and see how it progresses.

If you wish to have sex with her and the feeling is mutual, you will be able to take precautions so that you will not get the HIV virus.

It may be after a few weeks of courtship you may find that you are both not compatible with each other or the friendship may blossom to a deeper bonding.

It is a decision only you can make whether you wish to continue seeing her and whether you both feel the relationship is right.

Best wishes.

[jumbojumbo]

so its just that she told me prior shes infected she should be punished by me and with anyone to be neglected.
Lets put this this way...........what if we met....we talked...knew each other...and had sex.....and after that she opened tht shes infected.......and by thn i know shes right ideal partner....still i hv to worry ??

[Chima7]

You seem to be more preoccupied with just having sex with her instead of getting to know her better first. What's the rush? Why not meet her on a more regular basis first to see if you're even compatible? Whether HIV+ or not, maybe she has some kind of odd personality traits or quirks that might get on your nerves easily. You never know until you start spending time with her face to face what she is going to be like in a relationship situation. It's really easy for people to misrepresent themselves online because they feel like they can hide their flaws more easily and be someone they're not. You only met her in person ONCE. Just because she was honest about her HIV status doesn't mean she is an all around great person. People often hide the worst of their personality until they get more comfortable in a relationship and that's when their true nature starts coming out. Take your time to get to know her before committing to anything.

[jemma116]

If you both fall in love with each other, I am sure you will work something out.

I have a cousin who is HIV, I have kissed him on the face and held his hand.  Of course, I would not do anything else because he is my relative.
His is just a person with an illness.  No different that anyone else.  He does not know that I know that he is HIV positive.

jumbo she has been honest with you.  But do not confuse sympathy for love and affection.  Would it have been different if she had not told you.

Go out with her if you like her and she likes you and enjoy the time together.  And see how things go.

Best wishes

[Emily_MHManager]

Hi everyone -

What is safe physically has already been answered, here and in HIV. It is now up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone and take the chance, factoring in that she is not taking meds, etc.

No one can tell you what to do here. This is your decision.

Best,

Emily

[jumbojumbo]

I dont think i need a therapy session....its just a weird fewling ditching a positive person....i know risk is thr but as many people play safe oral as its hiv free....then many pwople to practise relationship with positive people too.
I am not arguing tht risk aint thr with her but cant i be safe being with her ????

[nursegirl6572]

but by when shes under me 100% i can put her into medication n proper care.

It shouldn't be your responsibility to make sure she's getting the right care.  I honestly have to say I find it VERY concerning that this is where you're at after only seeing this woman in person ONE time.

I think it would b e a good idea for YOU to seek out some professional input (from a therapist or the like) to find out why you're so gung ho to take on so much (the burden of her health, her health care, the added HIV risk with a + person, the emotional issues she's clearly displaying), with someone you barely know.  That to me indicates that there is a problem either with your self esteem, or something.  That's just not a typical course of action, not for the majority of people.

It would be one thing to want to take that on after a long relationship, or after knowing someone for a long time, but with a person you barely know?  I suggest that BOTH of you get some therapy.

It's not "really bad"...I think you're making it that way.  

Good luck, hope it works out for you.

[jumbojumbo]

The issue is tht for now i agree shes ignorant n careless but by when shes under me 100% i can put her into medication n proper care. Tht is not going to happen so soon....like couple of months....thts wht i m aiming at...so till then m i gng to be okay....this is really bad !!... :(

[nursegirl6572]

Protected sex is safe......right ?

Yes.  As long as the condom remains intact, then you are protected.  There's always a risk of condom failure, that has to be taken into consideration.

Okay, with that, I'm done, we're getting to the point of repeating the same things.

Good luck!

[nursegirl6572]

Pioneers and advicers....even thou if i hv protected relationship...isnt it gng to be good for both of us ??

Dear, there's a lot more that goes into this decision than just the sexual aspect.  You have to make this decision for yourself.  In the event a + person is proactive about their health and getting the right medical care, it's very possible to have a long and healthy relationship with an infected person.

I don't think this girl is taking her health seriously, I wouldn't get involved with something like that.  This is a chronic serious condition and medical maintenance is crucial.  She doesn't sound like she's in a good place and that's not a good way to start a relationship.  She's having trouble caring for herself, how will she handle a relationship.

Good luck to you, I've said all I can say and then some.

[jumbojumbo]

Protected sex is safe......right ?

[nursegirl6572]

You really don't need to, the ONLY possible ways you could get HIV is from unprotected vaginal or anal sex.  There is much debate about oral being a risk.  I don't believe it is, nor do most HIV professionals, so you would have to decide what to do in terms of oral (probably would make you feel better to wear protection).  Obviously, sharing IV drugs would be a risk, but that's a given.

Nothing else will transmit HIV, not any kind of casual contact, sharing of glasses, utensils, kissing, hugging, mutual masturbation, etc

I'm only sharing this info with you to save yourself from having to post again.  Obviously this isn't the place to have a discussion about HIV risks.  Good luck to you in your decision.

[jumbojumbo]

Pioneers and advicers....even thou if i hv protected relationship...isnt it gng to be good for both of us ??

[jumbojumbo]

Vance should i post again in Hiv Prevention ??

[nursegirl6572]

Chatting online and then meeting once does not make for relationship substance.

I think you're honestly maybe stuck in the white knight syndrome of trying to "save" her or "rescue" her perhaps?  I think the HIV factor is causing you more confusion because you feel sympathetic to her, and such.

I think sm makes a good point that there should always be a practical side to choosing a mate, on top of the emotional factors.

She's not in a good place and she's demonstrating VERY poor decision making to forego HIV treatment worrying about her family's opinion.  That alone is a big concern, just regarding her state of mind.  I too agree that from a realationship standpoint, you ought to skip this one entirely.

[specialmom]

Ya know, really.  This is your life.  I think I've told you what I would do but I'm practical.  I looked at dating as something that I could and should make choices about.  NOT everyone I liked was suppose to be my long term partner.  Took me a while but I finally found him.  I'm just suggesting that if you are really worried about this, it just might not be worth getting any closer to her.  Easier to walk away now than later.  

but it is your  life.  good luck

[specialmom]

Chatting does not a relationship make.  If you worry about risks of HIV, walk away.  I'd do that before getting any closer.  Do not mistake screen time for real time with someone.  I appreciate she was honest with you but you need to act on the information she gave you.  Clearly you have concerns and I feel they are warranted.  I would not continue with her and look for someone that you do not have these concerns about.  

[jumbojumbo]

I know on first meeting she told me all...but we been talking chatting for couple of months and we been so gross in ourself tht i m in sdo weird situation

[specialmom]

I wanted to say too jumbo that I do get why you asked the question here on relationships.  You were asking if you should move forward and try to have a relationship with someone with HIV.  It was an appropriate question for here.  I hope you've gotten some useful answers.  peace and luck to you

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with SpecialMom.  This isn't even a relationship yet.  They just met once after becoming acquainted online and She revealed Her medical situation at the first meeting.  They don't even "know" one another yet.  It seems He was impressed about Her immediate honesty - which is what anyone would/should do.  Perhaps it's better to make the choice not to get involved before one gets involved.

[specialmom]

Jumbo, as to a relationship that is new and there are major draw backs to it , I believe we should be practical and cut our losses before it goes any further.  I ruled people out while dating based on things that I didn't want to have in my life.  A sick partner would be one of them.  I'm not cruel, I'm just practical.  

Good luck

[jumbojumbo]

Sorry Vance i did post thr prior then posting here....the thread was closed prior then hving full advice and coming to any conclusion

[Vance2335]

If you want relationship advise then this is the forum. If you want advice on how to protect yourself and the risks then go back to the HIV forum. Lets try to keep the 2 seperate.