Aa
Relationship
Me and my husband had fight..In anger I told I want divorce but he took that seriously he asking for divorce from me even his family is supporting him..he send me to my mom's hme I'm in my mom's hme he isn't even picking my call he is Oly asking for divorce..
i'm sorry that you're hurting by having no choice but to divorce. I think it might help you immensely if you understood that you and he should not have been married in the first place, that it wasn't well thought out and was a mistake for you both. If you learn the lessons from this marriage, you will not as likely repeat them, and marry into a cultural problem that you will not be able to change. Many have made this mistake in their first marriage, and down the road, are so happy that they moved on, armed iwth their new wisdom, to find a marriage that is COMPATIBLE. MANY PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES. AND MOVE ON TO A MUCH BETTER PLACE, IT'S NOT JUST YOU.
6 Comments
Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know it's true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yeah
And now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
Ooh, ooh
That led me straight to you
Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know it's true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yeah
And now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
Ooh, ooh
That led me straight to you
i wish for you your best life and most compatible partner. Please imagine how hard it would be on any kids you had, Number one, they would be raised with ideals that are not your own. You would have no more say in your children's life, than you would your own, if you stayed. Everyone would be miserable. If you find yourself a more compatible partner, within your culture or outside of it, you will one day thank your ex's parents for stopping the insanity of you or your husband staying in a marriage that as doomed from the start. Try to understand this point, and it will really help you to move on without baggage (that could ruin your chances of finding true happiness). We're here to talk anytime, you can private message me if you wish, I'd be glad to help you through the rough patches.
But I really can't do second marriage Wt society will think of me..will I be hppy in second marriage if that man does same thing to me again den really I'll be fed up in my lyf..
As a gal I can have sex with Oly one man..but I can be ready to have sex with one More man...dis will mentally disturb me alot..
As it a arrange marriage so it takes little time to understand each other even he should understand ryt..
Paandupura, it is happier to be alone than to be in an unhappy marriage. Arguing to the point of demanding a divorce is a textbook definition of an unhappy marriage. Please don't worry about whether another man will come along and whether the same thing will happen again. Your value to yourself and to the world does NOT depend on a man.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The thing is, I am really feeling like you have no choice in this currently. He is not really giving you an option of working for or on this. I'm so sorry.
You're in my thoughts and prayers Paandupura. I heartily agree with the advice you've been given here by all. I do believe this is a cultural thing that 99.9% you will not be able to change. If you could have gotten through to him, i think that he would be ready to talk to you after 70 plus days. I asked if you had children and you didn't reply.. I think though, that you haven't had kids yet, and i think his parent's position (and therefore his position) is that it is better for the family if you were to go now, because to have you fighting the cultural norm when there are kids involved, would be absolute torture for the entire family. I think that all people have a choice to make about whether they are happy (accepting) or sad (not accepting) what is culturally ingrained in them. It seems that you naturally do not accept the cultural norm and that he does accept the cultural norm. This means that you and your husband are incompatible for marriage. You have to take responsibility for yourself and i think this ill help you to stop being so angry that your husband doesn't ever go against what his family does or says. Before you got married, you and you had the opportunity to talk at great length with him and his parents about what your expectations were as a daughter in law, a wife and mother. You could have shown your true colors before you were married, but you did not. The reason why i'm saying Look at You here, and what you could have done differently, and for you to take responsibility for how you could have foreseen the problem before it happened. is because we learn the most by looking at what we can do differently. You may not be designed to marry within your culture, or you may only be happy with a very small percentage of men from your culture. You may have to marry outside of your culture to be truly happy. I know how hard it is for your first marriage to not work out. I think it helps though to understand what our own issues were that it didn't work out. By doing so, we are in a far better place to make a 2nd marriage work out. I'm not here to judge your husband's family's cultural norm. I know i would not be acceptable to them , nor would they be acceptable to me. If I did marry into a family like your husband's, knowing that i would not be happy, and knowing that they would not be happy - i would be able to say that both sides are incompatible and both sides suffer until the marriage is dissolved , and both both parties find partners that are compatible.
I'm sorry, but i think you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here, and understand that you and your husband and your husband's family simply did not think this marriage through before your marriage was accepted by your husband's family. It was a mistake that you got married, and the only way to move on from it, is to accept your own part in that mistake, as well as your husbands and his family.
There are many books and articles on the internet to read that will support you to move on from this marriage that took place far too quickly and many friends that you can have that understand where you're at, that can help you in your life transitions. I pray that you do find Serenity, Acceptance and Courage. .
I'm sorry, but i think you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here, and understand that you and your husband and your husband's family simply did not think this marriage through before your marriage was accepted by your husband's family. It was a mistake that you got married, and the only way to move on from it, is to accept your own part in that mistake, as well as your husbands and his family.
There are many books and articles on the internet to read that will support you to move on from this marriage that took place far too quickly and many friends that you can have that understand where you're at, that can help you in your life transitions. I pray that you do find Serenity, Acceptance and Courage. .
2 Comments
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept The Thing I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change the Things I Can, And the Wisdom to know the Difference.
Ya I forgotten all and recently my dad has called der parents to take me to der hme but dey r telng dey want divorce from me dats it..
COMMUNITY LEADER
This happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was in the wrong big time on something, she confronted him, huge fight followed. She told him to get out and she was done. Well, she regretted it. He then decided to stay away. She was calling him to beg him to come back. HE was torturing her. Making her suffer. Calling her on her bluff. He DID come back after two weeks. But from then on, he had like this upper hand if you will. He showed her that he WILL walk away if she pushes too hard and she was 100% right to be furious with him (he drank too much, never came home and she got phone calls from multiple friends as he worked at her family's business that he was 'with' a coworker and they slept together. His only statement about it was he didn't remember. They had a newborn baby at the time.).
I do believe that two people committed to a marriage should be able to communicate their needs and make adjustments for the other person. absolutely. But they have to want to. And make that effort.
I've noticed since being at MH that there are cultures in which the male in the relationship is overly attached to their original family and the new wife has not a say. in anything. Is this the case for you? Is your situation one that culture also dictates? That makes it much harder to work on.
I would let this be for a bit. I would find new ways to communicate with him. Don't threaten, don't be hysterical. Calmly say what you need. If he says no or will not take your feelings into consideration, then you do have to decide if you will put up with it or find a different/better situation for yourself.
My friend is still married to her husband and they now have 5 kids. She still walks on egg shells because he is in the power position. She puts up with things I wouldn't. Because she has to in order to keep him as her husband. She's not wrong for doing so. It's her life and her decision and she's making what feels best for her in this matter. I'd just make a different decision.
So, you have to do what is best for you. Focus on what is in your control rather than what isn't (IE: his attitude and behavior). good luck
I do believe that two people committed to a marriage should be able to communicate their needs and make adjustments for the other person. absolutely. But they have to want to. And make that effort.
I've noticed since being at MH that there are cultures in which the male in the relationship is overly attached to their original family and the new wife has not a say. in anything. Is this the case for you? Is your situation one that culture also dictates? That makes it much harder to work on.
I would let this be for a bit. I would find new ways to communicate with him. Don't threaten, don't be hysterical. Calmly say what you need. If he says no or will not take your feelings into consideration, then you do have to decide if you will put up with it or find a different/better situation for yourself.
My friend is still married to her husband and they now have 5 kids. She still walks on egg shells because he is in the power position. She puts up with things I wouldn't. Because she has to in order to keep him as her husband. She's not wrong for doing so. It's her life and her decision and she's making what feels best for her in this matter. I'd just make a different decision.
So, you have to do what is best for you. Focus on what is in your control rather than what isn't (IE: his attitude and behavior). good luck
2 Comments
But nw he is Oly asking for divorce from me and he isn't listening to me..and also anyone from my family.. we tried all thngs to talk he isn't getting convenced he is so stubborn almost 70days over he told not to call and not to meet him..he isn't ready to talk..he also told that he wnt apply for divorce I shld Oly apply as I said..dats inimpossible I want giv..
Nw I'm getting so much doubt wheather he really loves me or wants me or simply I went on witout knowing anything wit my life blindly...
This is obviously a cultural thing, where daughters-in-law are supposed to behave a certain way. If you cannot take it, you should let the divorce happen. You love him but only the part of him that is not connected to his mother, and obviously a huge part of him is connected to his mother. I assume you think he will somehow magically become disconnected from her, but sorry, not for a long, long time if ever. So you have to decide if you want to be the subservient daughter-in-law for him. You should not be angry at the situation, it is this way and is going to stay this way. You should just decide if you want the situation AS IT IS. You are not going to get things to change by threatening divorce, that is a child's game. Either live with it the way it is, or leave it.
7 Comments
I know I'm in daughter in law at least my husband has to understand my feeling and desires right and he shld be supportive den Oly I can lead my life..
He has to suggest me hw to be with his family he shld never join wit Dem and scold me..he has to manage both family and wife he can't be Oly on his family..who will think about me..
He has to understand me and also my feeling..he has to help me..
You act like if you tell him he has to do something different than he is doing, he will do that. You are trying to say "This is the way it should be in a marriage." But you need to understand. It is not that way for him.
No amount of lectures from you about the way it should be will change him from someone who does what his mother says. You say "He can't be oly on his family," but you are wrong. He certainly can be only on his family, as he is showing you.
So, face up to reality. He cares about his family and their rules, edicts and opinions more than he cares about yours. It sounds like you think if you fight, argue, shame, or whine, he will see the light and change into a different person with different values and will suddenly behave differently. I do not think he will, not from you moralizing, not from you lecturing him on how he should be, and not from you whining to him or to anyone else. He is going to be who he is right now, for a long time, and you have to decide if you want to be with him if he remains unchanged. Because he is going to remain unchanged.
No amount of lectures from you about the way it should be will change him from someone who does what his mother says. You say "He can't be oly on his family," but you are wrong. He certainly can be only on his family, as he is showing you.
So, face up to reality. He cares about his family and their rules, edicts and opinions more than he cares about yours. It sounds like you think if you fight, argue, shame, or whine, he will see the light and change into a different person with different values and will suddenly behave differently. I do not think he will, not from you moralizing, not from you lecturing him on how he should be, and not from you whining to him or to anyone else. He is going to be who he is right now, for a long time, and you have to decide if you want to be with him if he remains unchanged. Because he is going to remain unchanged.
In short, take the him that you see now, without any change, or leave him. Do not expect that you can change so much that is so ingrained in him.
So there is no way of changing him..
I am sure you will not change him by arguing, shaming, criticizing or whining. And it sounds like you have not changed him by being so loveable that he wants to abandon his family to be by your side. So, there is (given this set of factors) no way of changing him. In your shoes I would give the whole thing up as a bad experience and move on. No matter how offended you are.
i agree with all that A.B. has said. Can you please fill in some blanks? What are the reasons why you were angry enough to consider divorce as a solution? Not only do you need to really look at why you suggested divorce, but you also have to have a heart to heart with your husband as to why he thinks divorce is the answer. This means that you have to get through to him and if he is hiding behind his family or if his family is in any way interfering or influencing him, that may not be possible.
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change,
The Courage to Change the Things i Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
If you Cannot get through to him to talk to you, you can do more. If you can do no more, you might as well spend your energy letting go and moving on. Are there children involved? If you do not have children, does that mean that you both can move on and remarry and have children in a better situation for all involved.? After all, kids don't make a marriage better and children should not be used to keep a family together that is not happy.
You are not alone and you don't have to be alone. Many of us here have had first marriages that didn't work out and moved on to marriages that have worked out. (In my case at least). I'm here to talk anytime. Please be good to yourself. Appreciate the simple things in life. Do not let this ruin you. Save yourself so that you can be happy and move on.
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change,
The Courage to Change the Things i Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
If you Cannot get through to him to talk to you, you can do more. If you can do no more, you might as well spend your energy letting go and moving on. Are there children involved? If you do not have children, does that mean that you both can move on and remarry and have children in a better situation for all involved.? After all, kids don't make a marriage better and children should not be used to keep a family together that is not happy.
You are not alone and you don't have to be alone. Many of us here have had first marriages that didn't work out and moved on to marriages that have worked out. (In my case at least). I'm here to talk anytime. Please be good to yourself. Appreciate the simple things in life. Do not let this ruin you. Save yourself so that you can be happy and move on.
2 Comments
No I love him...I told divorce that I got fed up of his family I thought if I tell I'll give divorce he will get scared and he will *** my side..
Before marriage we were very gud after marriage becoz of his mom we got distance by heart as he never supports me in front of his mom...whenevr me and my husband fights his family will enter and dat fight will become more dey will send me to my mom's house after dat dey will call me back Oly my parents and me has to request Dem to take me...dis is happening from d 3rd day of my marriage..me and my husband doesn't have freedom to go out or eat anything as his mom doesn't like all day upon dat his elder sister of 38years old married with 2 children are staying next to my husband's house.. even she doesn't like if I be free wit my husband dey will tell me to be like dat wit Dem Oly..but he can I be free wit my laws so much..we both usually fights for his mom's matter...
It must have been a heck of a fight. It sounds like you are saying that now you feel you did not really mean you wanted the divorce although you said you did.
If he will not answer your phone calls, go see him or write him a letter (not an email) and say that you spoke in anger and do not want to divorce. Once you are certain he knows this, if he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do to change his mind. (To be married, both people must want to be married. It sounds like he does not want to be married to you.)
Also, I have had lots of fights with my husband but I have never once said I wanted a divorce. You might have been correct about how you really feel about the marriage, even though you think right now that you didn't mean what you said. Resisting the idea now might come more from embarrassment at being sent home than that he took you seriously. Be sure your present resistance to the idea of a divorce is not just your ego talking. Maybe you do want to stop being married to him but you are just offended at the speed with which he took your suggestion seriously. If you want out, get out, and stop being concerned with how it looks to his family.
The main point, though, is that the only way two people can stay married is if they both want to be married. If he genuinely does not want to be married to you, it is not a marriage with only one person wanting it.
If he will not answer your phone calls, go see him or write him a letter (not an email) and say that you spoke in anger and do not want to divorce. Once you are certain he knows this, if he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do to change his mind. (To be married, both people must want to be married. It sounds like he does not want to be married to you.)
Also, I have had lots of fights with my husband but I have never once said I wanted a divorce. You might have been correct about how you really feel about the marriage, even though you think right now that you didn't mean what you said. Resisting the idea now might come more from embarrassment at being sent home than that he took you seriously. Be sure your present resistance to the idea of a divorce is not just your ego talking. Maybe you do want to stop being married to him but you are just offended at the speed with which he took your suggestion seriously. If you want out, get out, and stop being concerned with how it looks to his family.
The main point, though, is that the only way two people can stay married is if they both want to be married. If he genuinely does not want to be married to you, it is not a marriage with only one person wanting it.
1 Comments
In other words, if he genuinely does not want to be married to you, there is no marriage.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
