Say the truth or NO! Help

[purplerose88]

Ok so me and my bf broke up for like 5months and in that time i stared talking to another guy... well we had sex and now im back with my bf and he wants to know the truth and wants to know everyhting that happend with the other guy.... DO I HAVE TO TELL him the THRUTH? if i do he will break up with me.

To top it all off the other guy is sending annanimous email to my bf to break us up. i made a big mistake and i regeti it so much... what to do?

[thatquietgirl]

Purple, you did nothing wrong.  You were broke up for five months.  Really, it wouldn't have mattered if you were broken up one week, even.  You were broken up.  As far as you knew, he was not going to be back in the picture.  You acted accordingly.  It may be something you regret because having casual sex with a guy is not right for you, but the fact is, you did not do anything wrong against him.  You were broken up.  He has NO right to hold this against you.  Now, if this was a break where you had the understanding you would be back together but needed space to work through things as individuals and there was an agreement this sort of thing wouldn't happen, it would be different.  But this doesn't sound like what is going on here.  You would have used different words.  As it is, he has NO right whatsoever to make you feel guilty or bad about what you did.  It was not cheating.

Tell him that you don't want to discuss it anymore, and that it is absolutely unhealthy for him to fixate on something like this that happened when you were NOT dating.  Five months is a long time.  You're human.  Humans want companionship.  You sought it out, and yeah, for you, maybe it wasn't right, but it was not wrong against the relationship because you were not there.

If he can't let go of it, he will never be able to trust you again.  In fact, if he's anything like how you described him, he's not going to trust you as it is because he's convinced himself it's broken trust when it is not.  A relationship without trust is nothing.  I'd prepare to move on.  He's acting like a child about something that was not cheating.

[specialmom]

I think you can tell him that you slept with someone but it is a mistake to give him the gruesome details.  No one really wants to hear exactly how the one they loved had sex with someone else.  They may ask because they are having self control issues or are drawn to the pain like a moth to a flame ---  the same way people can't take their eyes off a car wreck on the side of the road even though they know they don't really want to see someone hurt.  

don't do it.  You'll regret it.  Tell him what you did and give him as few of details as possible about the specifics.  And really----  no.  You were BROKEN up.  You did not cheat.  And therefore, you don't owe anyone any details about how you had sex with someone.  

I'm just afraid that if you paint a picture----  he'll remember it forever.

This is not to say that you shouldn't be upfront with him and honest.  That is different than telling him what exactly and how and where and for how long you did with another man.  good luck sweetie

[purplerose88]

well thanks for the responds:

In a way I justify him due to he doesn’t really trust me after everything I did! I feel like he has the right to ask me questions and I feel like I have to do this to get his trust and go back to normal...he has been very observative and I know its because of what happened... maybe there is something im not seen?

I also think after 7years of dating I owe it to him... IDK maybe im wrong.

[Nighthawk61]

If what you're saying is that this man would break up with you because you've been with more than one man, then i would really consider this to be too conservative a person for me to be with.

[Nighthawk61]

It's NO BODIES BUSINESS what you do behind closed doors when your single. If my man wanted to know all the details of my private life, when i was single i would consider him a sicko, and I'd have no problem at at telling him what he was demanding was sick and deranged. Everyone knows that if you break up there's a huge possibility that, because of the emotions, there will be rebound relationships. It's not something new.

I do know of one person, however, that would make a point of "breaking up" so they could make a habit of messing around all throughout a relationship, and that's not right, but i don't think that's happening here.

Love is about what happens when the going gets tough, it's not just about when things are rosy. A man's character is shown in how he shows up for the challenges, and this guy isn't showing a great deal of character. He's acting like a child, not a man. Sounds alot to me like this guy is deflecting from the real issues in your relationship that need to be worked out, now that you're back together???

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with Londres above (and everyone else).

This guy sounds very paranoid and controlling.  The fact that he's laying such a guilt trip on you for something you did when he wasn't even in the picture speaks volumes to me.

He really has NO right to demand to know anything, much less make you feel badly about it.

I would think long and hard about this one.  You deserve better than that!

[Londres70]

Searched your phone?  Hmmmm.....what's that all about?

Well....wish you all the luck with this, however, I hope the "phone searching" ends after this.  He obviously has or had a difficult time believing or trusting you.  Proceed with caution.  Time will tell if this is a good thing or not.  

All the best.  

[purplerose88]

Helllo everyone!

Just a little update: so this Friday i was at my bfs house for movie night, the night was good... i went to sleep and he search my phone and found this FORUM and found out about everything. He woke me up, he was yelling and crying! OMG he scared the hell out of me! he asked me and i confess... he called me names and asked me to leave his house in the middle of the night... i was crying and got my purse but then i decided not to leave. after a while he calm down and and we talk and he asked me things and i was just respoding.

At the end he took me back and we agree to work things out, i was so releaved and i feel like a big weight has been lifted over my shoulders. i can feel that a big wall from us has been broken and it feel way better. I love him and he Loves me and i hope we can work things out. he still crys from time to time and i feel like sh*** i know all we need is time.

thanks for all your help.
Take care.

[remar]

The two of you were broke up. You had no idea you would be getting back together did you? If I were you I would tell your boyfriend just this. Tell him not to ask you any questions because you were not together when you were with this other man. It makes no difference. You and your boyfriend are starting all over again and that's what counts. Him knowing all the details when you were broke up is none of his business and will only make things worse. He needs to just things go.

[Londres70]

Unfortunately you are in a bad spot.  Sometimes we have to make the mistakes to learn in life.  Trust me, I have shed many tears over terrible mistakes I have made in my life.  It hurts, but you will get through it.  

I am sure this other guy is going to tell your bf if you aren't, however, you are going to break things off anyways.  Either way it's a lose-lose.  

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

Well, it's ultimately your choice, but you came here asking for advice.  Unfortunately, the advice seems to be different than what you wanted to hear, but there's nothing we can do about that.  

Most, if not all of us, are quite a bit older than you and have had quite a bit of ups and downs in our own relationships.  The advice presented to you was largely based on those personal experiences.  

In any case, whatever you decide, this whole thing will blow over and you won't be thinking about it forever - whether it's in this relationship or the next one, you'll eventually move on, and we wish you the best.

[purplerose88]

So everyone here says to say the thuth! and hurt him permanently and think of me of the worst?

I made up my mind to break up with him! so if say the truth doesnt matter anymore. Our story is OVER! i wont gain anything from saying the truth.
HOnestly I just want to stop crying, i cant think, work, this is taking over my life/PEace

we were dating for 7yrs FYI :{ since in was 17yrs til now 24yrs.

[brice1967]

Not to back you into a corner with this, but you say you cannot live with telling him the truth.... Keeping a lie is not going to be the answer.  The questions don't go away.  Truth now compared to truth in a year is a big trouble maker.

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

I agree with the advice you've been given here.  The only distinction I'd make is between "the truth" and "gory details."
Obviously, you're not going to feel OK hiding the truth from him - that you DID have sex with another man while the two of you were broken up.  However, if he wants details, that's going beyond "the truth," and as others have said, will only serve to feed his imagination in a negative way.

My *personal* (non-professional) advice is to go ahead and tell the truth, in the way that specialmom advised, and if he wants to press for details, then you probably need to put an end to the conversation - you'll want to plan in advance for how you'll do that.  If pressed for details, something along the lines of, "it was a really bad decision on my part that I'd rather forget about, and try to put behind us, and re-living the details will only be hurtful to both you and me."

Other members may have better ways to try to end the conversation - you'll want to listen to all advice here and take the bits & pieces that work best for you.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Purple, he sounds very dominating and might be better you do break it off with him. That all you need is a hot head in  your life. Being with a jeolous person can to lead to some very bad detours in your life.

[purplerose88]

Thanks for the reply everyone!
thats the thing, his thinking of this matter like if where together not broken up... im sorry but i dont have the balls to be honest and tell him the truth!
if i say the truth its over! i know him!... My bf told me that if he finds out i even kissed him it was OVER! and if he trys to work it out he will ever forget and will always bring it up...

I know i made a mistake but i can not live my life like this... my bf will never look at me with respect (i deserv it) so i think im just gonna break up with him :{ so he can be happy with some else... :{ this is the worst moment of my life!

[brice1967]

I will tell you this... any relationship in which one person is being dishonest or has been dishonest is certainly in for a lot of hardships.  In some cases, the relationship is doomed!

The bottom line is the truth will set YOU free.  If you tell the truth, you've got nothing to hide from now.  It's out there, its been admitted to and work can be done to repair the relationship.  

There are certain things to consider here though, and making this decisions is ultimately yours.  YOU were broken up when this happened.  That alone makes this really none of his business.  You were not in a relationship with him, so this is a private matter.

With that said.... if your boyfriend is going to continue to ask the question and you continue to avoid the truth, you're only creating more trouble for the both of you and this relationship.

[newmommy1923]

When its over between you & your bf the other guy will have nothing to carry on about & that should fade as well.

[newmommy1923]

hey ive bene on the other end of this situation. my boyfriend & i were together for 2 1/2 years. we broke up for like 3 weeks and during that time he had sex with another girl. he chose the lesss embarassing route & told the truth (considering he knew he was busted, hes a terrible liar). the truth always comes out & the more you lie about it & try to hide it the dumber your gonna look when that big ol' pot a beans come spillin all over your parade. i choose to stay with my boyfriend after finding out i was pregnant, since 3 weeks before the split. but ill be the first to tell you there isnt a day that go past that i dont think abot what he did. our relationship is ruined & i spend everyday with him feeling so uncomfortable. i think about the "revenge relationship" stuff but i dont have the heart to do anything back to him. tbh the whole hearted best thing for you to do, would be to apoligize till your lungs bleed, tell him the bare essentials of the biggest thing you did the guy ( and by this i mean, leave it at "we had sex" dont scar him with details) , and call it quits. Its going to hurt both of you. You because youll feel like **** for it & miss him like crazy. And him because he does care about you. But one big boo boo is much better than all long drawn out aching broken bone.

[Londres70]

:<))))

[specialmom]

Yes, Londres.  good advice!

[Londres70]

Tell the TRUTH and end this drama with the "emails."  That's really childish on his part; this other guy.  

In my opinion, you owe your bf ZERO explaination and he really has NO business asking you this, but since he has, just tell him yes you did have sex with this guy and leave it at that.  He DOESN'T need the particulars about what happened sexually between you and this other guy.

Is this guy and your bf friends then?  If so......hmmmm, this isn't probably going to be good for you dear.  

[specialmom]

Hi, well listen.  You remember that you were broken up, hon.  While he mya not love that you did it, it was within the rhelm of acceptable when broken up.  When you tell him----  you just say it was so awful, you hated it, you kept thinking of him you wish it hadn't happened, you were really grossed out by him, there was nothing good or enjoyable about it.  Stick to that and put it down like it was the worst experience of your life.  

Tell him you learned that it is foolish to try to make yourself feel better after a break up by being with another guy!!  

Then you can mention that you think the anonymous emails are the guy and that "see, he's crazy!"-----  make it about you and your boyfriend sticking together against all outside forces that want to break you up.

You'll be okay.  No details of the sex, just that it happened and you don't want to talk about it because it is a bad memory.  good luck sweetie

[Purplepink88]

What to do regarding the other guy? Do I call him and tell him to stop calling my bf?  I feel like I need to get courage and put a stop to him!