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429949 tn?1224695179

Self denial

What does it mean when a man is in total denial even to himself about fathering a child, even after  paternity test proove that he is the father? And what would make him blame the mother of the child and even try to blame other men of being the father. One time showing emotion and then returning to self denial? Can a person convince themselves that the facts are not the facts? And what is the best way to handle this situation?
5 Responses
184674 tn?1360864093
There's no telling really what goes on in people's heads. I do believe it's possible for some people to convince themselves of their denial and lies, even when the truth is literally, figuratively, and physically staring them in the face.
You can't handle this situation for this man. He's made his decision to be in denial and stay that way--there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. You've given him more than enough opportunities to be a father; now it's time to wash your hands of him.

You're son has gotten the proof he needs and wanted to know who his bio father is, and he's accepted the fact that his bio father wants nothing to do with him and he has even verified to you that "it's his loss." Your son knows he has a dad who loves him and will be there for him. Sounds like he's handling it just fine and you should have no reason to be concerned for him about his bio father anymore. You did your duty in helping him get the answers he wanted and needed.

It sounds more like you're having a harder time coping with this man's actions than your son. If that's the case, I know how you feel, I really do. It's really difficult to forgive yourself for the responsibility you have for the existence of your child when the father turns out to be a deadbeat or the like. You feel awful that you let a man like that father your child and your child is the one who suffers at some point. Then it's even more difficult to cope with those feelings of guilt when you know you've done everything you can to allow the father the opportunity to be a part of the child's life you made together, even if the two of you don't maintain an intimate relationship, and he just leaves you two emotionally and/or physically abandoned. I've read your other posts about this issue, and it really seems like this is the foundation of your issue.

Like I said, you've honestly done everything you can, left every opportunity open for both the bio father and your son. I know all the questions you have will never go away. I myself still struggle each day to understand why my son's father felt he *needed* to move thousands of miles away from his son and now hardly keeps in contact with him. My ex had just as much going for him (if not more) where we are in AL as he does where he's moved. And the thing is, I don't care that he moved or if he decided to stay here. What I just DON'T GET is how he claims he loves his son so much and that his son means the world to him, yet he walked away from his son when he didn't have to and now hardly maintains contact, especially when I've left every window of opportunity open for a close relationship between him and his son. It bothers me, mostly because my son asks about his daddy nearly every day, and all I can do is stay positive for him and tell him he can still love his daddy, and his daddy loves him. That will always bother me, even when my son stops asking.
I think the reason why is because our children are a part of us; we live a part of our lives through them. So even if they come to accept a fact of life like this with no problem at all, it still feels like a part of you has been left in the dark. And no matter how good life may turn out for the both of you, the thing is that your child is a constant reminder of what you faced in the past, so in a way, there will never be any closure for you like there will be for your child, because your child didn't have to deal with understanding the emotions involved about him before he even existed, or before he could even remember.

So ultimately, what you're left with is no closure from your past through your child; a million unanswered questions. I've found that all I can do is stop wondering as often. I'll never cease to stop wondering, but I can stop myself from thinking about it so often. I've found that forgiving yourself doesn't mean forgetting what you've done or who's involved in the suffering from your actions, but to accept that you've done everything you can think of to right the wrong. When you've done everything you possibly can to right your wrong for other people, it is then up to them to accept what you've offered or turn it away.

Your son accepted your offer to right your wrong by him. He accepted your husband as his father, and he accepted your help in proving who his bio father is.
Your ex has chosen to turn down your many offers of opportunity to be in his son's life. There's nothing more you can do. It really is his loss. Now you need to let it be as it is and be proud of yourself for always keeping the door open for him to know his son while he had the chance.
429949 tn?1224695179
Thanks for the advise and I know you are right. I have told myself the same thing for 15 years.You are right about something else too, I am the one who is having a hard time dealing with this. My son has no feelings for this man,because he doesn't know him. The only thing my son had was curiosity and that was satisfied when the test were done. Me on the other hand did have feelings for him. In fact I loved him. We never really broke up. I got pregnant and he got scared and ran. I was fine for  10 years, until I contacted him about the test. As soon as he answered the phone and I heard his voice that's where the confusion began. I was frustrated that he was  such a coward that he hung up on me. Now it was the same thing as when it first happened.If he would have just said that he didn't want to be involved, that he doesn't care, to leave him alone. One of the other posters said what does he have to do hit me over the head to show me. No, just say something, anything, not nothing. I don't know how to deal with silence.It's like he wants to put me in this denial with him, and I can't be there. I know we have a child. I have raised him for 15 years. I cannot pretend that my son never happened. It was even worse at the test. Niether one of us could even look at eachother. So much tenion in that room. I was trying to pretend that it wasn't bothering me for my son. But when we got outside my son said to me that both me and the bio acted the same. I said what do you mean. He said both of you acted like you had something better to do than to look at eachother.  I caught him looking at my son a couple of times, but he was trying to hide it. My son said that when I had my head down signing papers that he saw him looking at me and then quickly looked away when he realized my son saw him.  I told my son that it did't bother me but the truth was it was killing me inside and it took every thing inside of me to keep me from going over to him and telling him how wrong he is for handleing things the way he did. All he had to do was tell me that he didn't care, so why couldn't he say that. THis would have totally set me free. Saying I don't care is a lot easier than working so hard to denie everything. Seeing him again after all of these years and trying to talk to him about his son when all he wanted to talk about was me, really confused me. All he had to say to me after all of these years was to accuse me of being with someone else back then and that he probally belongs to this one and that one. And that I probally don't know how many people I have been with, and asking who my other kids belong to and how my husband must not be doing me any good. He called me a w**** and that made me furious. I said if I was a w****  I could get better than you, you wasn't that good the first time.  DEAD SILENCE and then his response,  then what are you calling me for then. I said I'm calling you about your son stupid, then he hung up. Everytime I tried to talk to him about my  son he acted like he didn't even hear me and went right back to talking about me.  We were actually arguing with eachother like two children. How can two people who have not been together in 15 years and haven't even seen eachother argue like this? All of this arguing should have taken place 15 years ago, not now! Now it is about my son, not he and I. It's like we took back up  exactly where we left off. All of this accusing  and dening was what got him in the DNA test room to start with. And now that the test have prooved it 99.99%, no more name calling, no more accusing me, He says nothing! but yet he calls me and holds the phone about once a week. Won't say a thing. If he is going to call then why won't he just say what is on his mind. Sometimes I feel like he is just trying to keep up with where we are, but why? It's too late to fix this now.  I have a good husband that loves me and is good to me and my son. I want to change my phone number and shut him out, but for some reason that even I don't understand I can't  do that now. Ther is some part of me that still wants to hear what he has to say . I know it won't do any good to hear it, it won't change anything,but yet I still need to hear it out of his mouth. I want to hear him say he is sorry for not taking care of his own child. And that he was wrong to accuse me of things that I had not done. I can forgive him, I want to forgive him, so that I can be free from him. I am tired of wondering how he feels , and I don't want to care anymore!
282524 tn?1348492612
i think there alot of people like this. it seems like he doesnt want to deal with being a father, and trying to make him is only going to hurt urself and ur child. i would go for child support and make the best life for u and ur baby as u can!!!!!
best wishes!!!!
Avatar universal
He's most likely in shock right now. After a while, he will most likely accpet it and consider his options about he is going to father his child. His initial shock might take a little bit of time to get over.
Avatar universal
Wow this story really hits home for me, my sons father wants nothing to do with my son and has no emotions towards him which in my eyes is heartless and very cold but that’s him all over, the contact in the past I have had with him was not nice and yet he always said ‘move on and let me go’ which made me laugh to myself as I have moved on and it was about child support only but now I get it, as for sure reading the above post on how some  males have reacted my ex is also in denial that he has a son with somebody from his past but yet any contact about support its always’ move on’ which I have to admit frustrates the hell out of me as I have and he’s never in my thoughts any more but does not recognise the hard work for me to have moved on after what he did to me.

I know my story does not make sense to all reading but it does to me and the first post really hit home for me and thanks as I just thought it was me but clearly its not.


:)
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