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Separated from self-centred, highly critical, abusive husband. What should I do?

I have been married 9 years and have two small kids under the age of 8. I have always had strife in my marriage with my husband having several 'rules’, ordering me around, expecting me to “obey” him etc. He is by nature very self-centred, unempathetic, nitpicky and constantly critical, with anger issues and crabbiness.

He has hit me several times in the early years of our marriage that stopped, only to reappear as severe verbal abuse. He continued, however, to throw things at me when angry, walk up to me and talk into my face in a threatening manner etc. He fits, as per me, into the mould of someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The constant walking on egg shells so as to not upset or anger him, the daily atmosphere of stress and tension, no ‘ease' or 'natural flow' in the relationship, asking me to leave the house at the drop of a hat, being stingy with money, keeping tabs on my spending while being completely generous to himself etc. took a toll and I left him with my kids a few months ago.

He hasn’t ONCE truly, sincerely apologised after, instead expects me to go back to him and now says that I’m 'not willing to give him even one chance', 'for the kids' etc. He has obviously forgotten the umpteen chances I gave him throughout the marriage.

My question is, has anyone been in a similar situation? Do such self-centred, abusive people really change? Or should I stick to my decision and get a divorce? I love my peace of mind and freedom now. I can simply BE and Breathe!
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3060903 tn?1398565123
The fact that she is  very close to her dad, that he treats her well, can be very confusing to a child. when there are actual character defects that she is not aware of.  She can continue to be submerged in a co dependent life, with no outward appearance that there' any problem, until it comes time for her to develop her own partnerships. She must learn that how her dad treated you, was wrong. so she' doesn't do in the future what she's doing now, And that is accepting that dad is abusive to his partner, as long as it doesn't touch his and her relationship.  She has to learn somewhere that right is right and wrong is wrong ; fair is fair, when it comes to relationship. In other words she has to admit that dad is not perfect because he so far treats her perfectly. She has to understand that there are alot of people that get away with bullying others, with no consequences, and that it's wrong. Including her dad and how he treated you. The impact and validity will come when she get's her own therapy, so i do hope that you do have someone clear up what a good adult relationship looks like, because currently she may be at a loss. If' she's more loyal to dad than you, it might be livable for you, but it's not about you. Her instinct to protect the weak, is being manipulated by dad and accepted by you right now. A impartial 3rd party is required. i do hope you get her to see someone soon. The first 7 years are the MOST influential to a child's life, not the least.

Co dependence is a dangerous game that plays out in so many ways for kids coming from it. Kid's are so smart and nothing is missed by them.

I'm glad you are calmer and healthier and hope all of your hopes and dreams for the future come to pass.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think you've received the advice already that you need to hear most. Please never go back, abuse will not stop unless he admits to it. Your daughter undoubtedly lived in the abuse, knew about the tension and the moods, Her reaction is that of a child conditioned to be in a co dependent home, I think your daughter needs to talk to a child psychologist, so that she is made aware of the danger of not seeing her dad in the cold light of reality. I'm not saying that it's optimal to ruin her rose colored glasses as far as her dad is concerned, but currently she is drawn to protecting an abuser. not good for her future prospects . When we raise our kids in a co dependent home, they MUST BE DEPROGRAMMED. Look how long it took you to figure it out, as an adult ? Your daughter could very easily be drawn to abusive men who make excuses, and co dependent adults NEED  partners groomed by co dependent families of origin .

You placed your kids in the position of being raised in a co dependent home. YOU NEED TO GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY. while they're young. Once their old enough to date, it will be too late. It will also determine their relationships in young childhood as well.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for leaving. My mom never did, and so much of my adult life was ruined because she never considered getting her 4 kids therapy, even though 4 turned out to  be addicts, one wife abuser, one abused by their partner, all divorced, one controlling/liar/manipulator.

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1 Comments
Thanks, Nighthawk. Yes, I will be getting her to see someone too, but I'm hoping any damage done to her will be reversed since she was only 7 when l left.

I get so confused at times because he isn't an alcoholic or drug abuser. He is very charming to outsiders. He even still claims to love me and I believe in his own twisted, self centred way he does. He definitely loves the kids. I've tried to make him realise he needs to deal with the dark side of his personality.

Also, I wish I wouldn't get swayed by his words and promises when he has his nice times. I wish I would just hold on having full faith in my decision. It took me a lot of back and forth to even get out in the first place, years of it.

Bottomline is that I feel calm and healthier now that I left though leaving has its own challenges.

Thanks, once again!
Avatar universal
Thanks for your reply. I agree with you on everything you've mentioned. Yes, a big reason for sticking on was because of the confusing dr jekyll and Mr Hyde kinda personality, wanting your marriage to work, giving it your best etc.


I have actually seen two counsellors already, trying to heal myself and figure my reasons out. That suggestion is actually very important. You have given me food for thought about my kids growing up and not being so cute anymore or submissive and talking back etc. that's when they'll see through him tok cause right now my elder one is a big fan  from a  distance, of her dad. I think she feels obliged to take his side at every opprtunity even though I'm careful to not talk badly about him. She also feels (and has been told my husbnd in the past that dad loves mom but mom doesn't love dad back) that I'm the one who doesn't love her poor dad. Anyway,thanks for your wonderful advice. I feel better and am going to stick to my guns, not buckle under pressure or self doubt whenever he behaves somewhat nicer. Thanks!
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  No, I don't think he'll change and I would be very worried about unsupervised time with his kids.  Maybe not even as much now when they are little as when they get older, aren't as 'cute' and talk back.  You did the right thing to leave so that your kids can have a peaceful home.  You will need to keep your emotions regarding this man and this whole subject to yourself.  I understand why---  but your anger and bitterness come flying through your words and that too is damaging for kids to spend much time around.  Start over with them.  I guess I could go into the fact that these behaviors of your husband preceded the kids so it may have been the best thing to do to avoid kids with him but that is salt in the wound at this point.  And, don't be upset at my writing this but I do think I'd invest in therapy yourself.  You did stay for a very long time.  You did have kids with him.  You did live with abuse and this is something that a lot of women just wouldn't do.  One hit and they'd be gone.  I know that abusive people have more than one side and can be loving and charming when not in anger mode . .    but you stayed even when the hitting, rules, etc. went on and on.  You need to explore why.  You chose to be with an unhealthy partner, to be in an unhealthy relationship.  Early on, you didn't have kids and you COULD have left but didn't.  And if you do not explore that, this could come back to haunt you.  Our psyche repeats unhealthy patterns.  May look a little different but you could end up in another bad relationship down the road if you do not explore how you got this far in this one.  

So, get a good lawyer.  Find support from your family and start a new PEACEFUL life for you and your kids.  Think about a therapist for you and supervised visitation for your kids.  Because the one bad thing about divorce . . .  When together, you are there and know what happens with him and your kids.  If he gets partial custody or shared custody, he will have them with you NOT around and that would scare me with a person that has controlling and anger issues.  I think you're future looks happier already being done with this unhealthy relationship.  good luck and please keep us updated and let us know how you are doing!
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