Aa
Seperation Advice.
Hi, I am a 25 yr old who needs some advice on seperation. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we have a beautiful 5 yr old. I have been unhappy for the past few years. When we were first met we were very young, we both had the same interests. Ive grown so much as a person, and he is still hanging out with the guys, getting drunk and he bring that around our son. I know that he is a guy and that he needs his time with them. But what bugs me he makes them a priority, I have been with him for 7 years and out of all those years I am the main source of our financial stability. We are are now going halfs on an apartment with his parents and this is not what i want. I work so hard to support my family for him to not care and sit around the house when he can find work( he works in construction with his brother). All the hanging out with friends them walking in and out of the house, him not caring whether there is work or not has put on a big stain on our relationship. I dont like him kissing me( i even feel digusted at times) or have sex with him. I want to want him but his personality turns me off. I probably am in fault too. I am hot tempered, i try to match wits with him. We both have said some pretty mean thins to eachother and i feel as if as long as we are with eachother i will always focus on those hurtful things with have said to eachother. I just dont know what to do anymore, I do care for him and love him, i would hate to be the one to break things off.
Im scared that if i leave what if my son holds that against me in the future? I really would like advice, maybe if i havent explained myself clearly you guys to ask me questions to get a better understanding of what im going through. I would like a friend, email?? we can help eachother through our problems, sometimes its nice to meet someone that has no idea about the others life in order to give them advice and not be judged.
Im scared that if i leave what if my son holds that against me in the future? I really would like advice, maybe if i havent explained myself clearly you guys to ask me questions to get a better understanding of what im going through. I would like a friend, email?? we can help eachother through our problems, sometimes its nice to meet someone that has no idea about the others life in order to give them advice and not be judged.
In this case the good thing is you aren't married. You can go set up a new, private checking account and he owns no part of it.
You sound strong enough to make this work.
Best wishes.
You sound strong enough to make this work.
Best wishes.
Thank you all for taking the time to listen to my story. It really means alot.
As far as sitting with him and talking about everything, I have. (But it just seems like we never resolve anything; we just end up mad and ignore eachother).
My last attempt to talking to him was this past Wednesday. This past weekend we attended his sister in laws babyshower; he got very very drunk. I knew that we shouldnt of gone but I decided I didnt want to hear about it if we would of missed it. Anyhow, we went, and he just blew it, got drunk and I have decided Ive had it. I basically just stopped talking to him, but on Wednesday I decided that I had to speak my mind. I waited until my son was in bed and told him we needed to talk. He knew it was serious he turned off the tv and just waited for me to talk. I told him that this was over his drinking, his friends, him making excuses on why he cant find work. All of it im done. I have no emotion, im drained, there is only so many ways that I have tried on my end to keep this relationship going, it wouldnt be fair for him, my son and for me to just act like things are going to get better. I told him im exhausted about the whole living situation, I have plans.. plans to have my career, plans to have a house, plans to have a happy family and young and smart whether he wants to be part of that plan is up to him. But as far as me, I am going to continue to strive for that but this is my last year i will be supporting to see change in him.
All he said is "Ill try" but to me thats not enough and i told him. Thank you but at this point trying is not enough I need to ""SEE"" it for myself.
And your right i do think that at this point, him working his hardest will not be enough to rekindle the romance we once had. Seeing him in his worst has had such a big affect on me, I dont think i have it in me to put the pieces back together to get where we were before, or if its even worth it.
He wouldnt sue me, or put child support on me, so on that i part i have no worries.
I dont have to much family, I had such a bad upbringing, lived in foster care till I was 18, so much of my family is very distant. I do have sisters, but none of them I have a strong bond with, or where i can go to when im down. Its just myself.
What my plans are, well Ive been saving a bit, but nowhere near what I think would be enough to leave. So my plan is just pull through for the next few months and just keep saving. Look for maybe a back room, or a studio apartment for me and my son, and just continue to focus on the future.
As far as sitting with him and talking about everything, I have. (But it just seems like we never resolve anything; we just end up mad and ignore eachother).
My last attempt to talking to him was this past Wednesday. This past weekend we attended his sister in laws babyshower; he got very very drunk. I knew that we shouldnt of gone but I decided I didnt want to hear about it if we would of missed it. Anyhow, we went, and he just blew it, got drunk and I have decided Ive had it. I basically just stopped talking to him, but on Wednesday I decided that I had to speak my mind. I waited until my son was in bed and told him we needed to talk. He knew it was serious he turned off the tv and just waited for me to talk. I told him that this was over his drinking, his friends, him making excuses on why he cant find work. All of it im done. I have no emotion, im drained, there is only so many ways that I have tried on my end to keep this relationship going, it wouldnt be fair for him, my son and for me to just act like things are going to get better. I told him im exhausted about the whole living situation, I have plans.. plans to have my career, plans to have a house, plans to have a happy family and young and smart whether he wants to be part of that plan is up to him. But as far as me, I am going to continue to strive for that but this is my last year i will be supporting to see change in him.
All he said is "Ill try" but to me thats not enough and i told him. Thank you but at this point trying is not enough I need to ""SEE"" it for myself.
And your right i do think that at this point, him working his hardest will not be enough to rekindle the romance we once had. Seeing him in his worst has had such a big affect on me, I dont think i have it in me to put the pieces back together to get where we were before, or if its even worth it.
He wouldnt sue me, or put child support on me, so on that i part i have no worries.
I dont have to much family, I had such a bad upbringing, lived in foster care till I was 18, so much of my family is very distant. I do have sisters, but none of them I have a strong bond with, or where i can go to when im down. Its just myself.
What my plans are, well Ive been saving a bit, but nowhere near what I think would be enough to leave. So my plan is just pull through for the next few months and just keep saving. Look for maybe a back room, or a studio apartment for me and my son, and just continue to focus on the future.
Oh wow, I can relate to so much of your post from my previous relationship.
Well, here's the thing--since you are not married, but have lived together as "common law marriage" and share a child, separating is going to be just about as complicated as a divorce. I know, because I've been there. The good news is that since you are the main source of financial support, but you are not legally married, chances are, he cannot sue you for alimony or some sort of equivalent. BUT, what you can expect (again, I speak from experience) from a man who hardly provides financial support and does not maintain a steady career or salary, is child support "enforcement," but don't expect it to be much based on his minimal income and quite honestly, don't expect him to pay it on time every month either. The best thing you CAN do with the issue of child support is let the state handle it--he pays the state department of human resources and they track his payments in their system, and the state pays you once he pays them. I encourage you to look up how the child support laws work in your state so you can go into that armed with knowledge. I'm assuming he is on your child's birth certificate as the biological father, so you should not need a DNA test to take that to your state's human resources department to file for child support; just take the birth certificate.
Custody: this could get touchy and I will guarantee you that if you want zero conflict in your future when it comes to who gets what "final say" for this or that concerning the child (school, moving to a new location, religious activities, medical options), and who gets visitation and how often and where, and who claims the child on their taxes each year...hire a lawyer. Don't think "we can work out our own arrangements" and be all hunky dory. As you know just based on the relationship, time changes things. He may want to move away and say he should still get visitation for unreasonable amounts of time, or you may get a job offer a few years from now in another state--then what? Seriously...get a lawyer and pre-define custody and visitation. From there, it can easily be modified through simple legal procedures if either of you want it modified in the future and it avoids arguments that get the child involved. You will have the option of sharing joint legal and physical custody, or just joint legal custody, or one of you can request full legal AND physical custody (I have this with my son; my ex just has visitation rights in our state only and child support but no custody rights), but don't expect that without some objection...unless you know for sure that your child's father has no interest in a legal say-so and tax claiming and only cares that he gets visitation.
As for debating within yourself if separation is the right thing to do based on how it will affect your child, specialmom gives great advice. Kids DO recover from it, and you and his father can ensure that happens as quickly as possible by being as civil with each other as possible and NEVER badmouthing the other parent in front of the child, no matter how much they may **** you off. The only thing that should make you want to keep your child away from his father is if you know and can prove that he is somehow causing harm or neglect to your son while in his care. Even then, getting visitation supervised by law or terminated is a VERY difficult, nearly impossible process.
The best thing you both could do as single parents, most importantly, is take your time in moving on with finding a new relationship. Once a child is beyond those toddler years and has a bond firmly established with both mom and dad--it's HARD for them to accept a new man/woman into their lives and "share" their parent with another person who used to be in the place of the other parent. That's a super sensitive issue for young children, and you can find hundreds upon hundreds of posts about "new boyfriends/girlfriends" or new step-parents in single parents' lives that their children get stuck in the middle of and don't process very well for months to years at a time. Separation while they are old enough to have memory of it is hard enough to recover from, so it's important to consider taking it nice and slow and cautiously if you do separate and want to later move on in a new relationship.
Well, here's the thing--since you are not married, but have lived together as "common law marriage" and share a child, separating is going to be just about as complicated as a divorce. I know, because I've been there. The good news is that since you are the main source of financial support, but you are not legally married, chances are, he cannot sue you for alimony or some sort of equivalent. BUT, what you can expect (again, I speak from experience) from a man who hardly provides financial support and does not maintain a steady career or salary, is child support "enforcement," but don't expect it to be much based on his minimal income and quite honestly, don't expect him to pay it on time every month either. The best thing you CAN do with the issue of child support is let the state handle it--he pays the state department of human resources and they track his payments in their system, and the state pays you once he pays them. I encourage you to look up how the child support laws work in your state so you can go into that armed with knowledge. I'm assuming he is on your child's birth certificate as the biological father, so you should not need a DNA test to take that to your state's human resources department to file for child support; just take the birth certificate.
Custody: this could get touchy and I will guarantee you that if you want zero conflict in your future when it comes to who gets what "final say" for this or that concerning the child (school, moving to a new location, religious activities, medical options), and who gets visitation and how often and where, and who claims the child on their taxes each year...hire a lawyer. Don't think "we can work out our own arrangements" and be all hunky dory. As you know just based on the relationship, time changes things. He may want to move away and say he should still get visitation for unreasonable amounts of time, or you may get a job offer a few years from now in another state--then what? Seriously...get a lawyer and pre-define custody and visitation. From there, it can easily be modified through simple legal procedures if either of you want it modified in the future and it avoids arguments that get the child involved. You will have the option of sharing joint legal and physical custody, or just joint legal custody, or one of you can request full legal AND physical custody (I have this with my son; my ex just has visitation rights in our state only and child support but no custody rights), but don't expect that without some objection...unless you know for sure that your child's father has no interest in a legal say-so and tax claiming and only cares that he gets visitation.
As for debating within yourself if separation is the right thing to do based on how it will affect your child, specialmom gives great advice. Kids DO recover from it, and you and his father can ensure that happens as quickly as possible by being as civil with each other as possible and NEVER badmouthing the other parent in front of the child, no matter how much they may **** you off. The only thing that should make you want to keep your child away from his father is if you know and can prove that he is somehow causing harm or neglect to your son while in his care. Even then, getting visitation supervised by law or terminated is a VERY difficult, nearly impossible process.
The best thing you both could do as single parents, most importantly, is take your time in moving on with finding a new relationship. Once a child is beyond those toddler years and has a bond firmly established with both mom and dad--it's HARD for them to accept a new man/woman into their lives and "share" their parent with another person who used to be in the place of the other parent. That's a super sensitive issue for young children, and you can find hundreds upon hundreds of posts about "new boyfriends/girlfriends" or new step-parents in single parents' lives that their children get stuck in the middle of and don't process very well for months to years at a time. Separation while they are old enough to have memory of it is hard enough to recover from, so it's important to consider taking it nice and slow and cautiously if you do separate and want to later move on in a new relationship.
Hi and sorry what your going through. Men are all pretty much the same when it comes to these issues and age has no boundry. The way my wife gets me back on track is not talking to me or not eating the food i cook and cooking only for herself and sleeping on the couch. Building a house you need tools and its no differnt with building relationships. Sometimes the house needs repairs also and some additions need to be build for extra living space. Its all the same. Use your God given knowledge about men and get your life back to being successful.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. ugh, it's hard. Relationships between really young people often do end like this. The teen years is such a formative time and what a person wants during that time verses later can be very different. Sounds like you are at this point.
Have you sat your boyfriend down and told him how you are feeling? That you'd love to see some ambition out of him and more of a financial contribution? That you really are not into partying and sure, he can go out with the guys occasionally--- but not all the time and not as his favorite past time. That's a tricky one to change though if he really feels that way. But it is worth a shot to see if he is willing to at least try to grow up.
But i guess if it is getting to the point in which his touching you is unwanted and you just can't stand him---- I don't know if even his working harder and being around more would make you return to having romantic feelings for him.
Kids do suffer when mom and dad aren't under the same roof. That is true. But lots of kids have parens that split. They do recover and then you just have to make it your job to get along with his dad for your son's sake, encourage a relationship with his dad (ugh, your boyfriend would need to have partial custody so they can spend time together and I'm sure that is hard). Not sure if you'd get any financial support since you are the main bread winner (he wouldn't sue YOU for it, would he?? hope not).
Do you have a supportive family you can lean on or talk to? What would be your plan if you left??
Have you sat your boyfriend down and told him how you are feeling? That you'd love to see some ambition out of him and more of a financial contribution? That you really are not into partying and sure, he can go out with the guys occasionally--- but not all the time and not as his favorite past time. That's a tricky one to change though if he really feels that way. But it is worth a shot to see if he is willing to at least try to grow up.
But i guess if it is getting to the point in which his touching you is unwanted and you just can't stand him---- I don't know if even his working harder and being around more would make you return to having romantic feelings for him.
Kids do suffer when mom and dad aren't under the same roof. That is true. But lots of kids have parens that split. They do recover and then you just have to make it your job to get along with his dad for your son's sake, encourage a relationship with his dad (ugh, your boyfriend would need to have partial custody so they can spend time together and I'm sure that is hard). Not sure if you'd get any financial support since you are the main bread winner (he wouldn't sue YOU for it, would he?? hope not).
Do you have a supportive family you can lean on or talk to? What would be your plan if you left??
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