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Avatar universal

Should I Keep My Other Love or Walk Away?

I am 46, and have been happily married for 25 years with 3 nearly grown kids; have been and still am, wildly in love with my husband.  A year ago, I met a man that I became friends with, then became attracted to.  I grew to love him dearly, and I am "in love" (romantically) with him.
My new man and I have a very deep and healthy, loving & sexual relationship, whereby communication is our first priority.  I cannot see myself without him.  My husband loves me dearly, we make each other very happy and we have an entire life together that I do not wish to change.  He does not know, nor suspect anything.  My other man and I are extremely discreet and sensitive to both our families/spouses.  My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years).  He does not wish to leave his partner neither.  We have never been outside our marriages before, so this is no frivilous thing...nor is my question(s).
He and I are so alike, we have so much in common (that we do not have with our spouses) and have such simple, happy fun together.  
Can I honestly maintain this long term double life that we have committed ourselves to?  
Should I walk away from my wonderful OM because it's the "right thing to do", not because it's what makes us happy and complete?  
47 Responses
Avatar universal
Well I bet that this double life will not continue, someone will find out. It always happens that way. No matter how careful and discreet you are one half will find out some way.

You have to make a choice stay with your husband or convince this new guy to leave his family and be with you. Either way people are going to get hurt.

Think what you risk by leaving or having your husband find out? Marriage, house, cars, good lifestyle, family? If your kids found out that you were cheating on their father do you think they would accept it and have no resentment towards you?

Only you can decide what is the right thing to do. And from the sounds of it, you have made your choice already.
82861 tn?1333453911
Your poor husband...

Communication is demonstrably not a priority with either you or your stud muffin.  If it were, you both would not be acting this way and lying to yourselves and your respective spouses.  Either cut this relationship off now, or end your marriage and wreck another one.  Nothing good will come of continuing this affair.  Apparently a vow means nothing to either one of you.
184674 tn?1360860493
Why not put all the positive focus that you have with this other man into your own marriage if you're still "wildly in love with your husband?"
Sure, you can continue your affair if that's what you choose. Just keep in mind that leading a double life is never successful. Either your lies are found out or you're burdened with guilt and shame the rest of your life. Things may seem great now, and going discretely, but it won't last. It won't. That's a guarantee.
Then when the revelation is out in the open or you're feeling eaten alive by your secret double life, so many more people than just you and your lover are going to get hurt.
Why in the world would you want to risk 25 years of a happy marriage with a man you still claim to be wildly in love with and the respect of your own children and family?
13167 tn?1327194124
I think you have to choose.  In my opinion (stares deeply into crystal ball) here are the plusses and minuses of continuing your relationship with this man:

Plus column - it's good sex,  and makes you feel attractive.

Minus column - eventually,  your husband WILL find out,  or more horrifically,  one of your kids will stumble onto this truth.  They will hate you,  (probably actually scream I hate you to your face),  your husband will sob and ask what happened to your marriage and also state that he hates you to your face,  your children will grow up further and you won't be invited to their weddings because Dad will be there,  and they will have children and you won't be invited to the first birthday parties of your grandbabies because Dad will be there.  And on and on and on.

Anyway,  read the plusses and minuses and decide -
145992 tn?1341345074
This is absolutely horriffic.  I feel so sorry for not only your husband but your lovers wife.  You two belong together because you both are terribly selfish.  Do you not even think about the children involved?  Do you not think about the years that you have put into your marriages?  How would you both feel if your spouses were doing something like this to you?  You sound even proud of this affair, about how both of you can discreetely deceive the people in your lives that you made vows to, that you had children with.  I'm sorry but you both are so disgusting for even doing something like this.  I have no respect for people who only think about their own needs and not the ones of the people they suposedly love and care for.  How could you even let yourself get to the point where you were "in love" with this other man?  Do you not feel guilty?  I just could not live with myself if I were to do something like this to my family.  It is just astounding to me.
Avatar universal
I have been with the plusses and minuses continually for the last months.  Logically, I must cut it off.  In my heart/soul I cannot.  From the beginning of my realization that I had incredible feelings for him (did not act upon any for quite some time) I contemplated the unbelievably horrible consequences.  It would be all that you are all saying...and worse.  So why move forward?  Same question I ask myself...I have it all.

Readers, if you read my intro perhaps you can see that I am not in the least bit silly, nor is this OM some 'stud muffin'...we're really two average people that could be in your social group.

I pose this to you.  Why is it that after a spouse dies, the remaining one can and often does, find a companion/lover that they also marry?  Is it possible, that I have found that person before I should have?
My OM and I discuss this at length often.  No, it is not just good sex.  (I have that with both.)  Without it, we would still want to be with each other.  I'd push his wheelchair.

I said I am "wildly" in love with my husband.  I WAS wildly in love with him.  Now I am still deeply in love with him.  He meets my most of my needs (since I realize now I have more than before), I believe I meet his.  I still "work" on our relationship.  He is just a different person than the other...no better no worse.
I was not looking for anything/anybody.  
I do not regret my friendship with my OM.  I just am unsure how to proceed...now that I'm here.

I am in love with 2 men.  I have never been happier nor more alive.  Weird huh?
I am loved by 2 men.  Weirder still.

You are the first I have revealed this all to.  I want to discuss with someone who hasn't prejudged me, or this entire thing, and could possibly help me sort it out more.
I appreciate the group listening.  Give me ****,... OK. It's not overly constructive.
How about discuss with me, so I can make sense of it all...I am not an evil person.  My "village" loves me for all that I am, and I have been there for them.  I am just unable to reach out to someone here...I may still see a councillor.

Thanks for listening.  

Ps.  I am attractive...have worked with men (white and blue collar) my whole life...have had attention paid to me, proposals made.  Only moderately flattered...I am not that gullible.  Neither of my men are gorgeous...I love their minds, their sense of life, the persons they are.  
13167 tn?1327194124
nimble,  I don't think anyone thinks you are an "evil person" but in fact,  what you are doing is evil.  It's evil - not in the sense of demonic satanism,  evil in the sense that is completely devoid of good.  Completely.

You are standing on a railroad track,  the train is coming right at  you and you don't even see it.

145992 tn?1341345074
Because your husband is not dead.  That's all I have to say.  I think what you are doing is disgusting.
145992 tn?1341345074
Actually I have one more thing to say....you can try your hardest, the both of you to rationalize your affair so to not feel the guilt but what does that say about you as a person?  Sociopathic behavior to say the least.
Avatar universal
Your relationship with this other man feels so good, so right, that you feel that it can't be wrong, it can't be evil.  You don't think of yourself as a bad person, so what you are doing can't be bad.  You and this other guy work so well together, how could it be wrong to be with him?

Well, these are all justifications that you have made so you don't have to feel bad, or guilty, about what you are doing.  Be honest with yourself - if, a year ago, someone had described to you the situation you are now in, would you have approved?  Would you consider that behaviour reasonable?  Would you think it OK for someone to continue both their marriage and the affair like this?  Let's make it more personal - if the woman you were a year ago had heard that your husband had been doing something like this, how would you have felt?

What you are doing seems to be pretty common in people who have affairs (and however you would like to describe it, that's what this is).  No-one wants to think of themselves as a bad or selfish person.  So they adjust their values and beliefs to match their behaviour.  Lo and behold, that behaviour becomes OK!  I know this, because I've seen my (now separated) wife do exactly the same thing.  If she could have accepted that her behaviour was wrong, and had to stop, and she was sorry for it, I could have forgiven her and we might have been able to re-build our marriage.  But she still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, even after I found out, the only thing she feels guilty about is the fact that it hurt me - and our marriage is irretrievably over.

Yes, people whose marriage ends, through death or divorce, do go on to find new partners.  The fairy tale that there is just one person out there who is perfect for us is b****cks, there must be thousands of people out there who could be a really good, compatible partner (if that wasn't the case, most of us would go our entire lives without finding someone special, and the human race would soon die out).  So, yes, it is entirely possible that there is someone out there who is potentially an even better fit for you than the person you married.  And, as you have found, it is quite possible for you to be in love with two different people, and for them to be in love with you.  The fact that it is possible to love two men at once, does not make it OK to do so.  You made a commitment to one man, you either have to stick to that or break it.

I hope you make the right choice.
Avatar universal
I feel for you. I have been very attracted to another man. Treats me like a 'queen'. But I WILL NOT have an affair with him. The pro and cons don't add up. My husband knows how this other man feels about me and how I am friends with him. He is able to help me past most of it. And remember, No marraige is perfect and you would only be trading one man for another 'unknown' You think it is simple and and fun together but that is because you don't have to make any major desitions together. No grocery shopping. No night after night the same man to look at and everything else that goes with a marraige. Plus 'the grass is always greener on the otherside.' You made a mistake when you let this friendship go to physical. That is a binding that is VERY hard to get over. When I get to feeling like my relationship is going someplace I don't want it to I STAY AWAY for awhile. You have yourself in a very hard spot that is going to take alot of work and forgiveness to both men in your life, to get over it. You will feel like your heart is being ripped out. Something new is very exciting. Something secret is even better. You need to do something to shake up your marraige. Try something new. Take chances at being 'caught' with your HUSBAND. No doubt he would like it! I give you my best and may you find you way through this dark tunnell called life.
Avatar universal
How are you concerned with the "the right thing" or are you guys sensititive to your spouses?  That part I don't quite understand?
Avatar universal
I have read others comments and your most recent comment. You know why you got the responces you did? Well people on here are not going to take sympathy with you because you love 2 men. You married one of them and if you want to leave then just leave. Don't try to justify your affair because an affair is never good and never turns out good.

Why not just have both families live together? That way you can get everything you need, because it is clear you only thin about yourself.

Avatar universal

Woman, you are SICK!!
184674 tn?1360860493
It all comes down to this: you could've restrained your emotions and physical actions, but you didn't. You let yourself go this far, you have made the choice to continue the affair, and you have made the choice to justify and continue it.
This affair will not continue in such bliss. This will come to a nasty, heartbreaking end. It may take awhile, years maybe, but ultimately, this little story is not going to have a happy ending.
I only hope for you that you'll be blessed enough to receive forgiveness and healing when this all comes crashing down.
633757 tn?1280211465
First of all how can you say you are happy with your husband, if you were happily married and love your husband we would not do this to him,I don't think you care about his feelings or about your om wife's feelings, I can't believe you are trying to sugar coat it and TRYING to make it sound like you are not doing anything wrong, What kind of morals are you teaching your kid. All I have to say is what if your husband were doing it to you how would you feel. I feel so sorry for your husband
Avatar universal
There is no denying I would have been stunned and horrified by this type of behavior a year ago.  I often wondered how people get "there"...and let's face it...it happens all the time.
Am I justifying it?  Yup, I am.  Am I guilty as hell and feel it?  Every single day, and worsening.  Am I kidding myself?  I have been.  Have I woken up this morning with the train bearing down?  Yes...finally in it's fullness.

Sammy...I am sorry for the heartache you have endured.  I hope your life is improving.  I appreciate your words.  Your honesty and forthrightness has given me additional pause.  You are so right about being able to find others in life at any time to potentially make a life with.  I have made a wonderful life with my husband...and will continue that.  Thank you.

george73...i've come to this forum...the first time I've searched for a place to put my choices out loud...you've written all the little things that have been circling on the perhiphery of my mind...thank you for stating it in a linear way for me...and giving me a realistic view.  The most difficult thing I will ever do is get this changed, walk away from this other love and move past it (the dark tunnel).  I'll need support and strategy.

RockRose...you write to me in a way I get...(the crystal ball thing made me smile)...I am very sad today however...anyway, you have been very direct and clear, especially about our children.  Your plus column is not quite as short as you think, but it is shorter for sure than the other.

AJH84...I chose to let it get physical, it didn't "just happen", I take full responsibility...there are deeply repressed reasons I did this that I will not share with all on this forum, that I can see now.  And I too hope that I can heal the guilt and pain that that will undoubtedly escalate to extreme proportions... it is building as every hour (today) passes.  Living with the deception, the guilt, the work to make this decision prevail will be arduous.

Life is never as it seems.  People make mistakes, even if they know the eventual outcome.  I will endeavor to repair the tear I made in my marriage.  I will throw myself further into my families needs, my work and my art.  Forgiveness...that's another matter.  Thanks.  
Avatar universal
You are 46 and he is 20.. he will eventually get tired of the age difference and find a younger fling.
184674 tn?1360860493
BH, I think the other man is her age and not 20. She said he's been in his marriage for 20 years.
"My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years)."
575741 tn?1235669754
You are a perfect example of a selfish BIOTCH wife that every man would ever dread to be with...Your poor husband....for his sake and your childrens I really hope you inform him of how much of a dirt-bag you really are. He deserves so much better and so does your secret lovers wife! Shame on both of you! I know this is a forum for help in situations but I cant help but say how discussed I am and how you and your secret lover dont deserve anyone else but yourselves...because guess what chicky when your husband finds out what your doing to him your gonna lose him, your children, your whole perfect married life...down the drain because of your selfishness. And the secret lover will just do the same thing to you as he is doing to his WIFE right now....but oh well you deserve the pain your putting everyone else through....
177641 tn?1189755837
Your OM isn't completing you; he's providing an escape from the realities of life. That's why it feels happy and complete - because there's no real-life worries when you're with this guy. All the real-life worries are waiting for you at home, where your husband is.

All relationships (especially marriage) move in and out of love, in and out of attraction. A mature person recognizes boredom for what it is, even if it's in the form of an attractive man. That's the point when you should have made communication first priority with your husband - not this person. I'm sorry, but it's too late to seize back poor choices. This is just going to pass on the bad feelings you're escaping from to your kids.

Affairs are like time-bombs. Sooner or later either your husband or OM's wife will catch on. Then the affair won't be about the good vibes you two share; it'll be about your families and your spouses. How will they react? Will your husband want a divorce? How will this affect the kids? Will they blame you?

I think you owe honesty to your husband. Until he knows the truth, you're taking advantage of him (doesn't matter whether you love him, you're still choosing to lie and deceive him). If your husband is willing to say, "sure, I realize I'm not meeting all your needs, and if he makes you happy, and you still want to continue our marriage, then great!" then who here can complain about your choices? But until your husband is aware, it's just a lie.
145992 tn?1341345074
slow-healer, that was so well put and right on the money.  I want to know why all of a sudden after posting this do you realize you were making a mistake?  When you come home and see your husband there with the kids, don't your eyes well up with tears?  You don't deserve your husband's love.  
404138 tn?1308941656
mami's so right. You already know the deal, im not even going to waste my time. You got yourself into this mess, and it's up to you to do something about it, why would you risk something so good, for someone that's married, get out of your marriage if you continue with this other man. If you feel so guilty you would stop
Avatar universal
I hope your day is going o.k. It will be hard and I hope your husband will be understanding and help you through this. You need to share with him what has been missing in your life so he can help with that also. I'm here for you.
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