Should I Keep My Other Love or Walk Away?

[nimble_jac]

I am 46, and have been happily married for 25 years with 3 nearly grown kids; have been and still am, wildly in love with my husband.  A year ago, I met a man that I became friends with, then became attracted to.  I grew to love him dearly, and I am "in love" (romantically) with him.
My new man and I have a very deep and healthy, loving & sexual relationship, whereby communication is our first priority.  I cannot see myself without him.  My husband loves me dearly, we make each other very happy and we have an entire life together that I do not wish to change.  He does not know, nor suspect anything.  My other man and I are extremely discreet and sensitive to both our families/spouses.  My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years).  He does not wish to leave his partner neither.  We have never been outside our marriages before, so this is no frivilous thing...nor is my question(s).
He and I are so alike, we have so much in common (that we do not have with our spouses) and have such simple, happy fun together.  
Can I honestly maintain this long term double life that we have committed ourselves to?  
Should I walk away from my wonderful OM because it's the "right thing to do", not because it's what makes us happy and complete?  

[MarianLibrarian]

I know it's been over a month since the last post, but I discovered this site when I did a search on this topic because I am in the exact situation. Involved with a married man, (he's married 18 years, I'm 16 years into a marriage), however, we have not consummated the relationship.  

Nonetheless, I am shocked to see what started as an innocent friendship has turned into this very emotional affair with the same feelings nimble_jac described. Now, it has developed to the point where I'd rather have no sex than sleep with my husband and feel like a fraud. BTW, my husband  knew my OM and that we regularly meet once a week as friends. Last night, I confessed everything to my husband that I was confused about my feelings with this "friend" and this is why my libido has vanished. He was very understanding and appreciated my honesty. He says he will be patient until I decide what I want.

So thank you nimble_jac for being so brave and posting your problem.  After reading everyone's response, I have now decided that after doing this for now seven months, he, the OM & I, must end it before his wife finds out and completely ruin both of our marriages.  I write this, but the reality is, I don't know if I can really do it.  He has become an addiction to me...like someone wrote, a fantasy or escape from reality.

But we have  to decide something.  We just can't go on this way.  Actually, it will be good leaving this secret life. If these feelings we have for each other are real, then they will still be there once both of us make the decision to leave our spouses, if that even happens.  

Thanks to everybody who responded and were understanding of nimble_jac's and my situation.  Good luck nimble_jac! I hope you get the life and man you want!

[HelpinUtah]

I came from a broken marriage as a child at 10.  My mother's best friend had an affair with my father.  It devastated me!!!  The problem for me here is that the adults are going about their merry way having these relationships without considering what will happen to the children when the house of cards comes falling down!  You have no idea unless you have been a child in that position!  Please, no matter how it makes you feel - the children MUST come first!  I am NOT going to judge you having what you need from both men - but it's his kids and your kids that will suffer the most.  It's selfish!  I'm sorry to say that, but if you had no kids, I'd say to each there own, but you chose to bring children into this world and you have a responsibility to them!

Whatever happens, I wish your children and his children the best and will keep them in my prayers!

[mami1323]

Maybe I was being harsh and maybe I was taking my situation and putting it on her but in the earlier posts she wasn't saying, I want to end my affair.  She was justifying her behavior.  That's why I was being so hard on her.  I just hope she realizes that her decisions don't just impact her only, it impacts her husband, this man's wife, the kids that are involved.  This seems like a mid life crisis to me and really needs to end before others get hurt.  

[cure65roses]

Been there. done that.  Did not read above posts.  But i hope you find it in your heart sooner rather than later, and realize that a secret life is not a happy healthy way to live.  Make a decision that is best for you,,,  and stick to it no matter what...  i know it's hard.   Just trust your gutm make your decision and pray.  God will take care of the rest if you lean on Him.  Msg me if you want to talk.   Hang in there, you will get through this.

[butterflyfuller]

You will have enough trouble forgiving yourself enen if you end your affair. If you choose the other man, he may not choose you. Picture every holiday for your sons and grandchildren the rest of your life knowing you are the reason their Mom and Dad can not be together as a family. Romantic love always fades into friendship or something less appealing. That excited frantic  ,, I can not live without you,,, fades with time . Your body gets tired of being excited all the time and finds a more comfortable state. It usually last at the most two and one half years. Dont think your temporary hormonal release is worth more in your lifetime than your family.  Keep your family together at all cost. Generations will be affected in you do not. You will learn to resent your lover  and may blame him if your family falls apart. Dont think it will be congenial or easy. Divorce is horrible. Unless your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive. build on what you have. Make it wonderful. You will have a very hard time...trying to do this while being involved with someone else.  You have had your fun.. go home  and thank everyone here that tried to help you. Going through a divorce, can lead to major financial, medical, emtional problems that you never knew existed. It is harder on your physical well being that any other crisis. Just because you children are grown, does not mean they will not be effected. Every life passage..for the rest of their lives will be different. All that being said,,if you want the other person, explain it to your spouse and bring it out in the open and deal with it. Do whatever it takes to build your self esteem back up on your own. You do not need someone elses approval.. just your own.

[Jasmine205]

Do you think the person who told you that was having an affair then? or had one beforehand.
You know why they said that, because they figure if you cheat with a married too, they won't cause you trouble and tell on you. You keep each others secrets. Two wrongs binded together.