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Should I Stay?
I am a 26-year-old female and I've been with my 26-year-old male boyfriend for 4 years. I have always been up front about wanting marriage and children in the future while he has always been against it. He is derisive and insulting about those that are married/engaged/have children... he says they are stupid, etc. for having children and/or getting married. He doesn't believe in it.
Some background about us...
We met in September 2007 and we were inseperable for nearly 7 months. My Aunt had just lost her job (I was living with her until May 2011) and I wouldn't start my job until November 2007 so we asked him if he wanted to move in since he was there all the time anyway. He agreed. In November I also found out we were pregnant. He had no opinion, no feeling, nothing about this life changing decision so I basically made the choice and got an abortion. I hurt about this decision every day and he has never had much to say about it.
Around May 2010 I began looking for a place on my own (to get out of the apartment with my Aunt) and was asking friends if they wanted to live with me. I also asked my boyfriend to which he stated he did not want to live with me and thought we'd moved too fast in living together. This was the first he'd ever mentioned that he had any negative feelings about living together. It was really hurtful. Anyway, long story short I didn't move out. In April 2011 I found a place and, again, asked people if they wanted to live with me. I ended up getting a place with my bestfriend and he has moved back with his mom with plans to live with his bestfriend. Since May 2010 things have been a little different.. nothing I can really pinpoint. I feel like we have moved backward instead of forward with our relationship. I appreciate his feelings about moving fast and agree that it was fast. However, he made that choice. I didn't force him or give him an ultimatum like... move in or stop coming over. He only had to pay 200 for rent (I was paying 400) and my Aunt and I cooked and cleaned. he didn't do anything so he basiclaly just got out from under his Mother's thumb and had us doing everything for him. I also had purchased a car and he used this everyday to get back and forth to work (he also picked me up from work) and he never paid insurance, car payments, just put gas in it.
However, in early October 2011 I flat out stated my feelings to him trying to avoid making any kind of ultimatum. I told him that I want marriage and children and don't see that I should stay with someone who is so adament against them. I told him our relationship is wonderful (it is) but I am short-changing myself by staying with someone who doesn't believe in what I do. To this he said that he doesn't know how he will feel in the future and that people change. This is the first and only time he did not just flat out state he isn't ever going to get married.
I asked him if he was trying to dangle a carrot in front of me, like to make me stay. he said he wasn't trying to do anything just talking about how he feels.
It's been 3 months and he is back to negating anything romantic and being negative about marriage and saying he doesn't ever want kids or to get married.
If this is still how it is after 4 years it isn't going to change is it? I know we are both young and I don't want to get married right now. BUT. I very sincerely want to be with someone for at least 4 years before thinking about marriage... so my time is running out. Is this just a female thing? To think of your "time running out?"
I don't have any set year that I want to get married but I also don't want to be 50 with a guy who still acts like he's 21 and thinks marriage is stupid. I feel that I deserve to be with someone with similar values.. who loves me enough to make a commitment. I know it is rather easy to get divorced these days and that getting married isn't a guarantee that my relationship will work or be forever. ....but it doesn't change the fact that I want to be married and to have children with my spouse. I want that traditional family.. the American dream.
Did I make a mistake in having him live with us? Am I selfish for thinking about ending a wonderful relationship with someone just because he doesn't want to get married right now... and maybe doesn't ever?
I just don't want to be stupid in love and then broken if/when he leaves me and gets engaged to his next girlfriend (my last boyfriend who I broke up with because I wanted marriage and he didn't is now 3 years engaged to the girl he met after I broke up with him).
Is it true how they say that for girls it is the right guy and for guys it is the right time?
Any tips, thoughts, suggestions?
Some background about us...
We met in September 2007 and we were inseperable for nearly 7 months. My Aunt had just lost her job (I was living with her until May 2011) and I wouldn't start my job until November 2007 so we asked him if he wanted to move in since he was there all the time anyway. He agreed. In November I also found out we were pregnant. He had no opinion, no feeling, nothing about this life changing decision so I basically made the choice and got an abortion. I hurt about this decision every day and he has never had much to say about it.
Around May 2010 I began looking for a place on my own (to get out of the apartment with my Aunt) and was asking friends if they wanted to live with me. I also asked my boyfriend to which he stated he did not want to live with me and thought we'd moved too fast in living together. This was the first he'd ever mentioned that he had any negative feelings about living together. It was really hurtful. Anyway, long story short I didn't move out. In April 2011 I found a place and, again, asked people if they wanted to live with me. I ended up getting a place with my bestfriend and he has moved back with his mom with plans to live with his bestfriend. Since May 2010 things have been a little different.. nothing I can really pinpoint. I feel like we have moved backward instead of forward with our relationship. I appreciate his feelings about moving fast and agree that it was fast. However, he made that choice. I didn't force him or give him an ultimatum like... move in or stop coming over. He only had to pay 200 for rent (I was paying 400) and my Aunt and I cooked and cleaned. he didn't do anything so he basiclaly just got out from under his Mother's thumb and had us doing everything for him. I also had purchased a car and he used this everyday to get back and forth to work (he also picked me up from work) and he never paid insurance, car payments, just put gas in it.
However, in early October 2011 I flat out stated my feelings to him trying to avoid making any kind of ultimatum. I told him that I want marriage and children and don't see that I should stay with someone who is so adament against them. I told him our relationship is wonderful (it is) but I am short-changing myself by staying with someone who doesn't believe in what I do. To this he said that he doesn't know how he will feel in the future and that people change. This is the first and only time he did not just flat out state he isn't ever going to get married.
I asked him if he was trying to dangle a carrot in front of me, like to make me stay. he said he wasn't trying to do anything just talking about how he feels.
It's been 3 months and he is back to negating anything romantic and being negative about marriage and saying he doesn't ever want kids or to get married.
If this is still how it is after 4 years it isn't going to change is it? I know we are both young and I don't want to get married right now. BUT. I very sincerely want to be with someone for at least 4 years before thinking about marriage... so my time is running out. Is this just a female thing? To think of your "time running out?"
I don't have any set year that I want to get married but I also don't want to be 50 with a guy who still acts like he's 21 and thinks marriage is stupid. I feel that I deserve to be with someone with similar values.. who loves me enough to make a commitment. I know it is rather easy to get divorced these days and that getting married isn't a guarantee that my relationship will work or be forever. ....but it doesn't change the fact that I want to be married and to have children with my spouse. I want that traditional family.. the American dream.
Did I make a mistake in having him live with us? Am I selfish for thinking about ending a wonderful relationship with someone just because he doesn't want to get married right now... and maybe doesn't ever?
I just don't want to be stupid in love and then broken if/when he leaves me and gets engaged to his next girlfriend (my last boyfriend who I broke up with because I wanted marriage and he didn't is now 3 years engaged to the girl he met after I broke up with him).
Is it true how they say that for girls it is the right guy and for guys it is the right time?
Any tips, thoughts, suggestions?
Best Answer
I wouldn't sell yourself short.
You might not find him fast, but I know there is someone out there that is more compatible for you.
You might not find him fast, but I know there is someone out there that is more compatible for you.
I think I've known for a while (3 years? haha) that I should end things but it is hard seeing a lot of my friends dealing with issues so much worse... verbal abuse, emotional abuse... manipulation... being cheated on.
We don't have any of these problems. I guess I am scared that I will never find a guy who is like my current bf but WANTS marriage and children.
I guess I just have to put on my big girl pants and risk it for myself.
We don't have any of these problems. I guess I am scared that I will never find a guy who is like my current bf but WANTS marriage and children.
I guess I just have to put on my big girl pants and risk it for myself.
Keep us posted about your outcome dear.
All the best.
Make this the year to start focusing and taking care of "LaDonnaF."
All the best.
Make this the year to start focusing and taking care of "LaDonnaF."
BTW, at your age you don't have to date a future guy 4 years before marrying him. If you go in with very open eyes, and are very honest with yourself, and you meet his family and spent several evenings a week with him and meet his friends, a year is enough to thoroughly get to know him and decide to get engaged.
Just MHO.
Just MHO.
I agree with all the others, and wonder why twice you've picked guys who have been clear they don't want to get married.
When you date a man in the future, find out what their intentions are. Do they want to marry and have kids? (Not necessarily with you, they won't know you well enough yet, but in general, is that their intent?)
Don't go out with a guy twice who says he doesn't ever want to get married. It's not a maturity thing - I think there are few 16 year old boys who would actually say that. Although they don't want to get married right then, they usually fully picture themselves getting married in their mid 20's.
Guys who reach 26 and still insist they don't want to marry after dating 4 years - you should probably believe them. Or anyway, he doesn't see you as his future wife although he may meet someone very quickly he does perceive he will marry.
Best wishes. That's 4 wasted years of your life, I don't think I'd put another day into a man who has such a different life vision.
When you date a man in the future, find out what their intentions are. Do they want to marry and have kids? (Not necessarily with you, they won't know you well enough yet, but in general, is that their intent?)
Don't go out with a guy twice who says he doesn't ever want to get married. It's not a maturity thing - I think there are few 16 year old boys who would actually say that. Although they don't want to get married right then, they usually fully picture themselves getting married in their mid 20's.
Guys who reach 26 and still insist they don't want to marry after dating 4 years - you should probably believe them. Or anyway, he doesn't see you as his future wife although he may meet someone very quickly he does perceive he will marry.
Best wishes. That's 4 wasted years of your life, I don't think I'd put another day into a man who has such a different life vision.
Ditto EVERYTHING SpecialMom said!!
At 26 one pretty much knows if they are going to want Marriage and Children in Their future. It may not be time for those things right now, but one would still know if that is a future goal. Listen to what He's telling You NOW instead of "hoping" He will change with TIME. You shouldn't be a lifetime without Children and He shouldn't be "saddled" with Children He doesn't want. You don't "compromise" whether to have Children or not have Children. This IS a deal breaker. I say this knowing there is another Man out there that You will love, that will love You, and who will also want Children. This I know is true!!
At 26 one pretty much knows if they are going to want Marriage and Children in Their future. It may not be time for those things right now, but one would still know if that is a future goal. Listen to what He's telling You NOW instead of "hoping" He will change with TIME. You shouldn't be a lifetime without Children and He shouldn't be "saddled" with Children He doesn't want. You don't "compromise" whether to have Children or not have Children. This IS a deal breaker. I say this knowing there is another Man out there that You will love, that will love You, and who will also want Children. This I know is true!!
I would recommend finding a man that you don't have to "shape and form" into "this and that" or stay with in hopes of him changing. Why so many women do this I don't know. Find someone who has those same values and beliefs you have because this one isn't "fitting the bill."
No one can predict if he will or will not change, however, I wouldn't waste precious time waiting for him to POSSIBLY change. Personally, I just think he is stringing you along until he is good and tired especially since it has been 4 years. Of course he is going to tell you that isn't the case. That "song and dance" he is giving you about "Men take longer to mature......blah blah......" is just that "blah blah." He is NOT that young; 26. I could see if he were 17 or 18, but at 26 the maturity should be established.
You cannot control what these men decide to do after you all have broken up nor should you obsess or worry over it. Perhaps the ex that you broke things off with was more compatible with this woman that he is engaged to now.
Plus, I am not sure if there is something in your behavior or talk that you are doing causing problems as well. Sounds like you are doing too much or have done too much for these men, well, at least for this previous man, i.e. your aunt cooking and cleaning for him, you letting him drive around in your car, him only paying $200 for rent when you had to pay more, you stating you and your aunt basically were doing everything for him, etc. Sounds like he doesn't care much about your wants, needs, feelings, etc. This is NO man in my opinion. He is still at "mom's house" for a reason dear.
You should have been gone after the abortion situation. You stated he pretty much didn't give "two hoots" about that. SAD!!
The biggest mistake at this point would be YOU staying with this lesser than a man person. He even ADMITTED he was immature.
You are giving too much and putting up with too much......aren't you tired?
Your call/decision.....
No one can predict if he will or will not change, however, I wouldn't waste precious time waiting for him to POSSIBLY change. Personally, I just think he is stringing you along until he is good and tired especially since it has been 4 years. Of course he is going to tell you that isn't the case. That "song and dance" he is giving you about "Men take longer to mature......blah blah......" is just that "blah blah." He is NOT that young; 26. I could see if he were 17 or 18, but at 26 the maturity should be established.
You cannot control what these men decide to do after you all have broken up nor should you obsess or worry over it. Perhaps the ex that you broke things off with was more compatible with this woman that he is engaged to now.
Plus, I am not sure if there is something in your behavior or talk that you are doing causing problems as well. Sounds like you are doing too much or have done too much for these men, well, at least for this previous man, i.e. your aunt cooking and cleaning for him, you letting him drive around in your car, him only paying $200 for rent when you had to pay more, you stating you and your aunt basically were doing everything for him, etc. Sounds like he doesn't care much about your wants, needs, feelings, etc. This is NO man in my opinion. He is still at "mom's house" for a reason dear.
You should have been gone after the abortion situation. You stated he pretty much didn't give "two hoots" about that. SAD!!
The biggest mistake at this point would be YOU staying with this lesser than a man person. He even ADMITTED he was immature.
You are giving too much and putting up with too much......aren't you tired?
Your call/decision.....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I don't know how old your boyfriend is or how mature he is but do know that you'd be banking on his changing his mind to have the life you want. That is a risk and i don't think you or anyone else should settle and lose out on their dreams.
I have a great friend that met a man she fell in love with. He told her that he didn't want kids. She tried to tell herself this is okay and deep down hoped he'd changed her mind. She just turned 50 and is childless. It makes her very sad and she feels like she missed out.
So, I don't know if he'll mature into valuing marriage and having kids or not. Maybe he will but it is really a question of how long you want to wait to see if he wants to. And if he'll bring the level of enthusiasm to it that you deserve as the fabulous woman you are!
I have a great friend that met a man she fell in love with. He told her that he didn't want kids. She tried to tell herself this is okay and deep down hoped he'd changed her mind. She just turned 50 and is childless. It makes her very sad and she feels like she missed out.
So, I don't know if he'll mature into valuing marriage and having kids or not. Maybe he will but it is really a question of how long you want to wait to see if he wants to. And if he'll bring the level of enthusiasm to it that you deserve as the fabulous woman you are!
I think what I mean is that my last boyfriend said the same things.... I broke it off.... now he's engaged to the girl he dated after me. Lol.
I love my current boyfriend even more than my last and I think it would kill part of me to learn that he did the same thing and is engaged... like I just didn't wait long enough for him to come around.
I love my current boyfriend even more than my last and I think it would kill part of me to learn that he did the same thing and is engaged... like I just didn't wait long enough for him to come around.
So it is not altogether smart for me to listen to everyone stating "Oh, guys are slower to mature than women." "He wants kids he just doesn't know it yet." "He'll come around, he's immature."
And things to this effect? It is more likely what he really things deep down and not just that he thinks he's too young and wants to be free for a while longer before thinking about settling down?
And things to this effect? It is more likely what he really things deep down and not just that he thinks he's too young and wants to be free for a while longer before thinking about settling down?
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I don't think it is selfish to desire to get married. Basically, you two have different values and ideas about what life should look like. That is huge!
I also think if you want kids, why should you not have them? It would be a happier life for you to find a man that wants the same things as you. Don't you think you deserve that?
I believe in carving out the life we want. We pick mates to match that. I've been in love enough times to know that I CAN (and DO) love someone who wants what I want in life. I just had to wait until I found him.
So, I think that you can wait if you want to but his general attitude is pretty set. He's been clear all but one time with you. I just don't think you should ignore that and carve out the life you would like to have.
Peace dear----- I hope you get the life you want!!