Should I accept gifts from my Mother-in-law?

[pinkypunky]

My mother-in-law and I don't get along. But she loves to give gifts. It's pretty much the only time she's willing to pleasant. She loves to give gifts and then the rest of the year she has to being up how amazing and generous she is and how I grateful I should be. While I understand that gift-giving might be her love language, I feel like it's a way for her to get away with being miserable and manipulative the rest of the year. Part of me wants to take advantage of her generousity because she's going to be horrible to me anyway, but another part wants to distance myself from the whole situation so I don't have it thrown back in my face later. I don't have kids yet, and we don't live close to her, so it's easy to avoid her for the most part. But we haven't spoken since August when we got into a weird fight and I finally broke the silence because I felt like it was hurting my husband and her first reply was to ask me what I wanted for Christmas. I feel so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable about the whole situation and I don't feel like it's appropriate to ask for a spacific gift like that's the only relationship I want from her. But at the same time, I don't want to make things more uncomfortable by saying I don't want a gift this year. I'm so uncomfortable with the whole thing and I just wish I could talk to her, but there is nothing more offensive to her than people being homest and open about their feelings. She doesn't get along with ANY of the women in her family. Anyway, I just want to know is it inappropriate to give in and allow her to buy me a gift, or would it be inappropriate to ask her not to get me anything?

[specialmom]

Hi.  I wouldn't make the gift giving your focus.  I'd make the rest of your relationship your focus.  So, accept her generosity (or at least I would).  Don't insult her and act like you don't want anything, etc.  However, this is the least of your issues.  That you have blow out fights is the problem in my mind.  Hon, I say this as a stubborn, hard nosed woman---  so not judging or picking, but it takes two to be difficult.  Your views of her as manipulative and demanding and miserable are half the problem.  Rather than just accepting her quirks, not taking it personally, etc. you choose to fight her or not like her for how she is.  She raised your husband and he turned out alright, so she can't be all bad.  I spent a lot of time disliking my mother in law.  She sure gave me plenty of reason.  But I would never argue and fight with her.  And really, once I started to look at her as this funny character in the world who was so different than me but still a human with a right to be as she is and flawed---  I could accept her and what she did much better.  Without anger and angst.  

That's what you should focus on.  How to become more tolerant of her personality.  THAT will make things better.  And let's be  honest, and again, not judging.  But telling her you don't want a gift because it is awkward and meaningless to you is a good way to 'stick her' where it hurts.  On some subconscious level, really---  that could be going on. Don't do it.  It will hurt her and getting presents is not so difficult, is it?

I understand wanting to be authentic but at the same time, you need to make a peaceful family which includes accepting your husband's mother.  good luck

[pinkypunky]

Thank you very much for your perspective. I agree that my attitude and defensiveness has A LOT to do with why we haven't gotten along, and if I could get past my own feelings and stop focusing on all the little nit-picky things she does, it would go a long way to fix our issues. Part of me feels like time will bring understanding and patience, and maybe it's just that I don't know her well enough to let things go. If I don't understand why she's saying and doing what she says and does, then how can I move past it? Another part of me kind of wants to push her away completely because her negativity really hurts. I feel like I've been letting hundreds of tiny little hurts build up and that's why we had a fight when I was at her house last. But every time I've tried to reach out or talk to her about things that need to be talked about, she immediately shuts me out. Or gives me a thousand excuses of why I'm not worth the time to get to know. I don't know how to fix it, so I just want to know how to be the best I can be in each individual moment. Like at gift-giving time.

[specialmom]

Sometimes things just are what they are.  I've learned in life that sometimes there is not a reason I'll ever understand for some things.  Your mother in law has her own inner things going on.  Perhaps she is damaged like the rest of us and doing the best she can.  You want things to be YOUR way because its what makes sense to her.  Your way may be as perplexing to her as her way is to you.  Accept you are different and try to learn the art of just 'going with it'.  Rather than trying to have a total meeting of the minds, the fine art of a peaceful, agreeable SURFACE relationship might be a better plan.  This is what I had with my mother in law and we learned to get along just fine.  Nope, she wasn't EVER on my favorite person's list . . .   but that's okay.  We could have family gatherings that were peaceful which was best for everyone.  So, let go of what you think is right here a bit, cut her some slack and just do a little more letting it go.  You'll ultimately be happier.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Ask her to contribute to a charity you like as her Christmas gift to you.  Tell her that's all that you want.  Make it an issue pretty serious to you that you know about, so you can talk about it from the heart, and that you would genuinely be glad to see her contribute to so if she does bring it up all year you will not be sorry to hear that she did it.  Give her the whole story of how the shelter needs new beds, or the spay/neuter clinic is doing such thoughtful work with the feral cats, or the Habitat for Humanity houses are needed, and when she brings up her largesse and bounty throughout the year, tell her you know the shelter was SO GREATFUL and ask her to go with you to visit it.  This might be somewhat hard to carry off, but if you do it, you actually might turn this whole strange dynamic into something good.  She might get interested in the charity, and become a better person for something vital to do.  

[pinkypunky]

That is an amazing solution to a complicated problem!! Thank you so much! I love that idea!!