Aa
A
A
A
Close
Relationships Community
6.34k Members
Avatar universal

Should I be worried?

I have been married for 5 yrs. and I'm not going to make a long story, so I'll make it as short as possible. I've tried to do stuff with my husbands daughter, my step daughter. She doesn't like me, she has said it herself. Ok here's my problem. My husband and her have done stuff in the past that I found to be inappropriate, as in taking pictures with him directly behind her with his hands interlocked underneath the breast, strattling her in the snow. Just the other day she was wearing a bra and her dad was in her room, she made no efforts to cover up or nothing. When I have confronted my husband about the matter and told him how I feel about it, he tells me that either I'm jealous, I'm crazy, I need help, I need to get a second opinion, it's all in my head, or my all time favorite he's not saying nothing and fighting with them. But I think that if he loved me, because we took vows, he should have some respect for me to say hey, she finds this hurtful, let's respect her enough not to do it, or let's try to find a a way to compromise to make a way to fix the problem. Instead of brushing it off. But he refuses, he just says he's not fighting with them. What should I do, or what is your input on the matter?
8 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh, are you asking if your husband is a pedophile having an incestuous relationship with his daughter?  You really think that?  It's not his daughter's fault that the relationship is like that . . .   she learned how to act around dad by . . .DAD.  This is the problem I see.  You view her as another woman in his life.  That's not really the case.  She's his child.  And if you were her mother, she'd be no threat to you whatsoever and if you thought he was inappropriately touching her, you'd be out of there to protect HER.  You married a man who has a close relationship with his daughter.  You find it too close.  You've vocalized it and he's said he isn't interested in changing or your opinion.  That's it.  You either get over it or move on.  That's hard and I'm not being unempathetic.  But I'm a mom of sons.  I'm really affectionate with them.  They are with me.  Some families are like that and it's not a bad thing.  But it makes you uncomfortable.  If it is because you think your husband is sexually attracted to his daughter, get out of there.  He's  a creep.  Call the authorities if she is a minor.  By the way, how old is she?  Do you feel insecure about your husband's love for you?  Just curious.  We ARE here to help so please do not take my post to be anything but wanting to help you resolve this.  
495284 tn?1333897642
You can be close to your kids but at least be dressed.  My dad would of never laced his fingers under my breasts or come into my room while i was in my bra, let alone stayed in there.  It is pretty common for a step child to not like the step parent.  They look at us like we destroyed their mom and dad's marriage.  It makes it even more difficult when the father doesnt help the situation out.  You have some decisions to make here, something only you can do.  I would be more concerned about their behavior together than her not liking you at this point.  That usually goes away after awhile.  How old is this girl?
1 Comments
I agree that I'd not want naked interaction between father and teen age daughter!  But I'd be mad at the dad involved.  I wouldn't see it as the child. I'd see that the child had been groomed for molesting by her parent. ugh.  I agree that this interaction is concern number one with whether or not the girl likes her step mom as number 2.  Hope they figure it out. Also wondering the girl's age.  10 is different than 25, right?  lol
Avatar universal
Front the beginning when her father and I got together her exact words was she didn't like me and she didn't care if I was with her dad, but she didn't want me and him kissing in front of her. This girl is now 19 years old. And this has been going on since she was 14. The pictures has been of him standing directly behind her with his hands interlocked directly underneath her breast, to strattling her in the snow, and flirt taps. The neighbors has told me that they act more as a couple type of thing more than daughter/ father relationship. When I address the situation at hand he is more worried about fighting with the family. He doesn't like it when she gets a bf, and so fourth. I can't just blame the father, because it's both parties. She makes points to do things inappropriate in front of him also. Their behavior together, just like I said, they act as if they were the ones in the relationship than hisself and I. She will make times when she tries to get him along in her room and when I come around she gets pissed and says I'm always up his ***. But really I'm not. I'm just standing inside his families home by myself alone. And that makes me feel uncomfortable, so I go stand at her bedroom door and she gets mad. She tries to be secretive all the time. He makes arguments so he can go to his families house when's she is over there, which he is more than welcome to go anytime, but he waits until a she's home to cause the argument like he has something to hide. When we argue, he tells me I'm jealous of her, and my exact words are, if there isn't anything going on what's there to be jealous of? And he's had me to dye my hair like hers, mentioned me to get boob enlargements like hers, etc. now someone I talked too, has told me that he must be fetishing over his daughter, to look into it. I don't know what to do? Any help..?
1 Comments
um, if I thought my man was encouraging the behavior and unhappy when his daughter had a boyfriend and touching her breasts, I'd be out of there. And ya, I'd blame him more than her as he is my partner and the parent.

I try not to be hopeless but this situation is not a great one.  You are describing a weird dad.  Which makes your husband weird.  That includes his actions AND his indifference to your feelings.

She was 14 when you got together.  I have a 14 year old myself.  NOT the most charming of ages for kids.  And there can be some territorial stuff on a kids part.  That's kind of human in my opinion. And then a parent sets the limits on it.  Five years later, it's the same.  Probably would be the same five years from now.  

He asked you to get a boob enlargement like hers and dye your hair like hers?  

Get out of there.  This is over the top and not something you should subject yourself to.  
495284 tn?1333897642
I am sorry you are going thru this first and foremost.  The more you told about this situation the sicker it became.  This behavior has been going on long before you entered the picture.  Any father who has feelings like this for his daughter needs serious help.  This is way too messed up.  I know it is hard to leave a situation but this one is not good and very unhealthy.  I know your self esteem is in question and that is normal.  Please look into some options for you.  Your husband is a very sick man.  I hope his daughter can get the help she needs from his emotional and physical abuse.  We are concerned for you so please stick around and keep talking to us~
2 Comments
But what the sad problem is, everybody in his family including him thinks it's fine and nothing is going on. They think it's normal. But is it?
I'm the step mom and she's the biological daughter and he's the biological father. Is what's bad.
495284 tn?1333897642
No that type of behavior is not normal.  It sounds like that family is very dysfunctional.  Do you have children of your own?
1 Comments
Yes I do. And I do not act that way around them or around my biological father. I have told my husband numerous of times I looks bad and then last night she walked right in front of him in her bra yet again and he seen her. And when we got home he said I haven't noticed anything until now, but I can't do anything about it, and he got real defensive with me.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
I still see a lot of focus on the daughter.  The issue is your husband.  I agree with Dominosarah's sentiments that leaving a relationship can be hard.  But I don't think I could be with a man who I feared had attraction to his daughter.  That's gross.  There's not really much more to say on my part.  Other than I would not continue to demonize the girl when it is her dad that continues participating.  He likely started it and he keeps it going.  Your man is the problem.  I too have empathy for you as it's really hard to acknowledge this and disrupt life in such a huge way to leave someone.  But I see no other way to resolve the issue.  good luck
3060903 tn?1398568723
HI there, sorry you're dealing with such a difficult issue. Did the step daughter get a breast augmentation? if so, at what age?   If so, what was her cup size before she had surgery and what is it now? Did your husband ask you specifically to :get a breast augmentation to the same size as his daughters"?

Number one, if  it were me, knowing that the step daughter disrespects you so much in your own home, i would refuse to attend gatherings at the step daughters home, that's for sure.

Your last comment seemed to say that your husband now has realized that it's inappropriate for his daughter to be in front of him (wearing a bra and no shirt) but that he can't do anything about it and that he got defensive. Does the girl wear her bra only in front of the rest of the family? Does she have any step brothers that she wears her bra only in front of, or is your husband the only male around that she wears her bra only? So it seems that things have begun to change, if at least he is willing to admit that there is a problem and that's at least going in the right direction.
7 Comments
No she never had surgery or anything, they are real. He just told me that I want double dis which would be her exact cup size. And when we are intimate he seems to stare, at me, but not really, it seems as though he is somewhere else. She makes it a point to do things as wearing her bra around when her father is around, and she didnt go into a room where her step brother was, she made it a point to go into the exact room where her father was at. My daughter was in the room and seen her like that and came to me and said mom, did u just see that? She came in there where he was in her bra? I was like yeah I seen to, lets go. And when i got home, i discussed it to him and he got real defensive with me and then like turned the blame to me and said that he knows I have done it to my dad, I said oh hell no. My dad would bust my ***. Which he would, because that's inappropriate. She has done several things as to getting him to stand directly behind her to take pictures with his hands directly underneath her breasts. And playing in the snow, he has startled her in the snow and they think this crap is okay, which I find this is sick and disgusting. He doesn't even take photos with him directly behind me, and I'm his wife of 5 years. Hell for that matter, I can't even get him to even go out to build a snowman with me and his step kids, so why should it be okay to strattling his daughter? So should I be worried, or am I over reacting like he says I am?
There is a lot in play here, Some cultures, do not think anything of young people wearing bathing suits when they're young in public whereas that could be a huge taboo to another culture. The Latin culture comes to mind, vis a vis Burkas. Some families choose to raise their children with close physical contact, while others have never had a hug. What has been the norm in your husband's first marriage and family may be very different from what you would expect in your first or second marriage. It's hard to judge whether this man is a pedophile, He could be a sexist. and that may show in the way he treats all women. In other words, if you were to buy yourself a set of Double Dee's he may well stand behind you and wrap his arms around your waist for picture. If you and he did not have such obvious differences in parenting style, he may feel more safe to treat your children as he would his own. Some sexist individuals i believe can come to an epiphany, such as it seems your husband has come to, as he now seemingly is questioning whether it's a good or bad thing for his daughter to be in a bathing suit or bra around other people or around men in general. (when not on a beach). . I think it's good that he is able to question what he may once have thought of as normal., especially since the girl does dress in her bra around him, whilst she apparently does not in front of her brother. This should be his greatest clue as to whether it is appropriate or not appropriate.- he only has to look at her on modesty in front of her brothers that apparently she feels is not necessary in front of him. Perhaps there's a chance that he might make a change to accommodate and support all the ladies in his life for the right reasons?.

It seems in short at least,  that your husband may be a sexist that has raised a daughter to use her physical assets to garner special attention. This is a sad thing if you consider that this is a girl looking for special attention, or maybe even the ability to make the 2nd wife jealous.  It may not be a question of being  pedophile that needs to be jailed. He may have no intention of acting on any of his subconscious or latent sexual desires when he looks at his 19 year old daughter, or any other good looking young women, Remember that our entertainment and advertising industries at least in the "west" are all about sexism and exploiting youth , be it male or female,, every time you turn on the tv it is blatant that it's okay to look but not touch.  

So is this a question of a bad man that needs to be put in jail, or is this a question of you and he not being compatible.? Has he chosen to raise his children in a sexist world, differently than you would choose?. Is the marriage feeling like it's falling apart because he's actually bringing this sexism into your marriage and asking that you participate and change your body to mimic that of another women he might find more appealing as oppose to loving , respecting and supporting the real you for everything that you are inside and out?

Should you be asking yourself whether you are married to a pedophile, or should you be asking yourself whether you had unwittingly married a sexist that you and your children, could do better without - especially as a role model for your children?

It's a hard one. It seems that if your husband is not able to change his veiw point, and you cannot change yours, you would do better for yourself and your kids with a different type of male in your lives. And believe me, they're out there. I found a good one. I'm here if you need to talk privately. I feel for you. Be good to yourself.


then last night she walked right in front of him in her bra yet again and he seen her. And when we got home he said I haven't noticed anything until now, but I can't do anything about it, and he got real defensive with me....


perhaps your husband, if he were able to admit that it made him uncomfortable , he could be supported into asking his daughter to please stay dressed when in his company? perhaps he has never been supported in this way ? perhaps he's not so much a sexist as he's been manipulated by by his ex wife not to rock the boat? perhaps with your help, he might evolve and see that as a father, he has the right to express his expectations of his daughter , and especially since.. you've said " wearing her bra around when her father is around, and she didnt go into a room where her step brother was". Maybe this is a question of your husband having no discernible influence on his daughter and he needs you to be strong enough to support him into seeing that he can be assertive with his daughter.? maybe he needs you to help him raise his daughter so that he might leave a legacy of simple human decency and respect for all persons, big or small? you know?

My step daughter lives with us, and refuses to look me in the eye, but i do influence her father, and therefore have influence on her , whether she likes it or not, whether he wanted it or not, I've made some headway,  we now have a daughter that will be a college graduate , whereas without my influence i doubt that would have happened. It's tricky, having blended families. It's hard to try to effect change on a long standing closed system. But, with if you can communicate effectively with your partner, there's a chance you can effect change is this family system. I wish you strength and peace on your journey forward from here.
maybe your husband needs to be educated on sexism and supported to change his own views, and supported to make changes in his own expectations of his daughter in his presence and yours? maybe you mean that much to him, to try? it may all depend on how you present your case to him (how effective you are) or it maybe that you cannot get through to him. I think this is where you're at right now.
I mean seriously, this is all about her dad not knowing enough, or not being assertive enough to simply tell his kid to put her shirt on ?  or having him realize that this could be a case of him being manipulated by a kid to make his new wife jealous and cause problems in his new marriage? manipulated into having him not tell her no about something as obvious as having her prance around in front of his new family in her underwear? Your husband needs to man up and do the right thing. Why not show him this site and what you've written here, maybe it will help him to manage his family in a way that everyone can be happy - cuz i really don't think his kid is going to implode if she cannot wear her underwear in front of him or his new wife and family. You should consider showing him these comments and seeing what average people think. In essence, you're taking a poll here , one that would most benefit him, if he wants to stay married.
I mean seriously, this is all about her dad not knowing enough, or not being assertive enough to simply tell his kid to put her shirt on ?  or having him realize that this could be a case of him being manipulated by a kid to make his new wife jealous and cause problems in his new marriage? manipulated into having him not tell her no about something as obvious as having her prance around in front of his new family in her underwear? Your husband needs to man up and do the right thing. Why not show him this site and what you've written here, maybe it will help him to manage his family in a way that everyone can be happy - cuz i really don't think his kid is going to implode if she cannot wear her underwear in front of him or his new wife and family. You should consider showing him these comments and seeing what average people think. In essence, you're taking a poll here , one that would most benefit him, if he wants to stay married.
So , as usual i've gone around in a circle looking at this thing, the fact remains though, WHY IS YOUR HUSBAND WALKING INTO HIS DAUGHTER'S ROOM WHEN SHE'S UNDRESSED? SO YEAH MAYBE HE'S JUST A PLAIN OLD PEDOPHILE - DISREGARD EVERYTHING ELSE I SAID (NOT)

You've said that he recognized his daughter being inappropriate but it was he that inappropriately walked into her bedroom while she was undressed. He was in the wrong, he needs to admit to it to himself, you  and his daughter. He owes you , your daughter and his daughter an APOLOGY. AND A CHANGE OF HOW HE HANDLES HIMSELF. INCLUDING RACY PICTURES AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE MISCONSTRUED AS INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING.
495284 tn?1333897642
No matter what, this is wrong and you are not overreacting.  He needs serious help and so does the daughter.
Have an Answer?
Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327197724
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398568723
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child
This article will tell you more about strength training at home, giving you some options that require little to no equipment.