Should I leave my husband?

[ADR30]

So here is my situation.  I have been with my husband for 7 year, married for   We have have a wonderful life together and no kids because we do not want them because of our active lifestyle and hobbies and our love to travel.    
We have been arguing constantly for about 2 years and it is mainly a communication gap.  No sex for 3 months and if we do I don't enjoy it.  We have seeked counseling but it doesn't seem to help.  For the last year I have not really been sexually attracted to him, but I am extemely attracted to the lifestyle that we have together and our dreams for the future. I have thought about leaving but I am scared.  My husband knows that I am not really attracted to him anymore.  everyone thinks we have the perfect life..friends, family.
In the mean time, I have a friend at work whom I have become close friends with for 3 years.  The past month I have because extremely attracted to him sexually and want to spend more time with him any chance I can get.  My hubby knows we are friends and that we spend time together but he doesn't know what I feel. I am pretty positive that this guy feels the same for me.  I love the excitement of being with him, the shyness, secrets, thinking about him.  This guy is great, a nice guy etc, we would definetely not have the same life as me and my hubby.  I thing I just want to have a sneaky steamy romance with him...is this bad??  I fantisize about this. We text each other all the time and flurt, and are starting to hang out alone (lunch, happy hour).  What should I do and should I leave my husband?

[mugg]

Many years ago i would of said stick with your marriage, like i did, but then again i had three beautiful children to think of.  ive been married twenty five years this year, not bad as there were a few that thought marrying at 17 would never last.
I was true to my husband, and thought that he was true to me, until i found out last october that he had cheated on me while working away from home, hey i do need to say that this happened many years ago, although i only found out recently, but it hurt like hell, and i wish that he had left me then and there and not carried on our marriage, as now i feel that it has all been a farce. I could never trust him again, and a few years back i found out i had genital warts too, well where the hell did these come from as i certainly dont sleep around, my marriage vows were sacred to me, what a mugg i was.
My children are all grown now and i have kept this secret for years, it shall hurt them when i tell them that my marriage is over, but i have done my dutie to all.  So if you decide to do the dirty on your husband, make a clean break first and find someone to finance your treasured lifestyle. your hubby deserves better,

[Hopingtogetpregnant]

A lot of people leave relationships to be able to feel the "feeling of falling in love" once again. What you most likely really want, more than this man at the office, is love, recognition and appreciation. You want to feel worthy again. The problem is, if you seek this and don't find it in yourself first, you will leave your current man, but over time, not be happy. If you truly believe your relationship has been given all the chances possible and that you both have earned your way out of your married relationship, then a separation rather than a divorce or an affair would give you both time to step back and think. But, during that separation time, take time to get some individual counselling so that you will be level-headed and make wise choices in the future and give yourself the time to heal from the breakup or perhaps rekindle things if possible. Remember, this new guy, along with any new guy, has  the ability to get boring after a while, throw his socks on the floor,etc. And, if the new guy would really would think of getting into a relationship about you when you are married, then he really doesn't  truly, deep down, respect you. He could do the same to you over time...he might be someone too who is looking to feel the feeling of falling in love, which fades. People can fall into the dangerous cycle of addiction to this falling in love feeling and end up desperately unhappy with many failed relationships, looking for their next fix. I wish you all the best....

[HappilyMarried]

It's a dead marriage because you two are not open with each other. Maybe he's not good at sex because you've never had that exploratory sex where you tell him what gets you off, did he get an owners manual when you got together? Your secret desire for this other guy is killing your marriage. Speaking from personal experience, you've got a jar full of secrets and they'll eventually get the best of you. Your secrets cause you to live in your head and not share your whole self with him. Also, you have this idea of what sex would be like with this other person and that makes him seem inadequate. He knows you have secrets and that keeps him from giving you what you want. If you love your husband you'll be open with everything and your sex life will be better than ever. its your marriage. fix it or move on. My marriage is awesome now but it was broken between the first and tenth year. Love is a verb not a word.

[sk2006a]

if you going to leave, then leave.  don't get involved in a new relationship until the old one is dissolved.  it won't make for a very nice start.  how will he be able to trust you if he knows you cheated on husband number one?  my husband used to work for a man who was married and having an affair.  the spouses discovered their infidelity and both were divoreced.  the man and gf continued to see each other, continually spying on each other because neither one trusted the other.  i have to tell you, the whole office was laughing about the irony.  don't let it happen to you.

[pertykitty]

most marriages (if not all) have ups and downs. we find them to be irritating, bothersome, just isnt working. but that is just a low spot. with work it will get better. please dont act upon this secret fantasy with the other man. his thoughts are probably "she is married, she is off limits, how exciting". find a marriage therapist and get to work. if after all attempts to fix the marriage have failed, then consider what you need to do. the last thing you will want is a year down the road and a divorce later (and the guy at the office leaves you too) you will sit there and hate yourself for what you have done. divorce is ugly and it sucks. maybe you two have just gotten out of the loving part of it. make a romantic night here and there. go out of your way (both of you) and get the sparks flying again. i know many people that turned their marriage back into a flaming hot relationship after such a low. you love him, you have for 7 years. you can find that again.

[RockRose]

I say leave if you're unhappy.  Historically,  from the beginning of marriage law,  marriages are binding contracts so the children have a home,  and both the mother are contractually obligated to certain duties.

If you're both unhappy,  (and he can't be happy if you never have sex and then refuse to enjoy it when you do!) get out and quit making each other's lives miserable.

[RockRose]

Oops,  I didn't finish the thought.  ;D  

Neither of you want to have kids,  you don't have any kids,  you have no real  moral obligation to each other.

[PlateletGal]

If you feel that you have done everything possible to try to save your marriage and honor your commitment, then my advice would be to tell you to separate from your husband. I would then seriously be cautious about jumping into another relationship immediately after. You are going to need time to heal from your marriage and you may find out that you still love your husband, despite the problems you are having now.

One thing that pains me to see is when someone leaves their spouse for another person and then when they find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side, they want their spouse back. But many times, it is too late.

Good luck in whatever you choose. You deserve to be happy.

[sweetalexis2206]

Ask yourself these questions:
-Is it your husband with whom you have the problem, or is the relationship itself? You can't change a person, but you can change a relationship.
-Would you be having these thoughts if it weren't for the guy at the office? Had you thought about leaving before meeting him? If not, you really need to think about that. It may be that you have fallen prey to the "bad-boy syndrome". Your husband of 7 years is very likely not a "bad boy" in your eyes, but this new man IS... dangerous, exciting, taboo. Just remember that it is a lot easier to seem sexy and exciting when you don't have to talk about the mortgage, and the electric bill. It doesn't mean your husband is boring... it means he is a husband.
-Are the issues you have fundamental problems that cannot be helped? From your description, it sounds like you two have a lot in common, and just need to reconnect. And the intimacy issues? Of course there are issues! You aren't communicating, you feel distant, etc. Also, you are distracted by this other man.

If after considering these things you can honestly say that you would be happier without him, then maybe that is something for you to pursue. Don't run away for the excitement of the first kiss. Whomever you end up with for good will presumably become a husband, and then you will have to talk to him about the mortgage and the electric bill. Separate the excitement of what is new from the whole equation, and just take an honest look at your relationship with your husband.
I know, I am long-winded...

[jd1419]

If you are no longer attracted to hubby--then you need to moveout for a while--think things through--do not get involved iwth a nother man--as you said you want sneaky--is it just to make you feel more vibrant and wanted--then you are very selfish--you need to think all things through--what will you lose versus what you will gain--if you come up with more on the gain side if you leave your hubby then leave and get divorced and then pursue a new relationship--What if you left your hubby, had the affair with the guy in the office and then that was it--where would you be?

Think,think,think--life is about compromise and sometimes feelings do you change--but remember where you were when you married.

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

I just wonder how you get your opinion because there are no children she has no real moral obligations to him.  She married the man and said for better or for worse.  So how is that not a moral obligation.  I think that is why society is so screwed up, everyone has lost their morals.  Divorces are so easy to come by it's just like people see it as a dating experience except with legal papers so they can try and take half when it doesn't work.  Marriage shouldn't be went at with the outlook that "well I can always get a divorce if I am not happy"  Marriage should be for always better or worse.  Unless he is abusive or cheating than you can always make things better with alot of hard work.

[RockRose]

Brown Eyed Gurl - marriage is a legal obligation,  for sure.  

I don't think,  in the case of two adults who are making each other miserable and there are no children involved,  and the divorce is very mutual,  that there is any moral problem whatsoever with it.  

Realizing you've both made a mistake is a positive thing,  if it's the truth.  And if there isn't anyone going to be hurt (kids),  then get on with it.  Marriage isn't a suicide pact.  ;D

[RockRose]

Brown eyed gurl - I didn't finish my thought.

On the one hand,  I agree with you about lack of morals becoming prevalent.  I can't stand it when people are cheating on a spouse and they refer to it as "something that happened",  as if it's out of their control.  Or people who purposely get pregnant when they aren't married,  because commitment is too much for them,  bla bla bla.  Makes me pull out my hair!

But two adults with no kids who both agree they're making each other unhappy should feel free to divorce,  just as business partners should feel free to void those contracts if it's mutual.  In my opinion.

[ADR30]

Thanks for the comments here.  To answer some of them...my husband knows I am not attracted to him and and have almost left many times before but decided to try to work it out even before the guy.  I think I might have made a mistake at the beginning.  I know that this new guy whom I have known for 3 years (and we have never done anything) is a nice guy and would understand my situation.  My hubby and I fight constantly.  I feel like I have to babysit him and his is just not busy enough for me and needs to get out with his friends more.  I feel like i do not even want to spend time with him and the only time we get along is when other people are around.  I always invite others for this reason.  I don't think I really like him as a person and haven't for a long time.  This new guy just makes it easier to leave if I did.  I think that separating would be a good thing for us to do.  I was also the first person my husband had sex with and hes not very good.  He tries so hard to keep us together but we are so different in so many ways.  I don't like his family either and he has a weird relationship with him.  I wish that we could mutually split and stay friends which sort of is what we are now.  We fight about the relationship issues mostly.  We could be awesome friends, but he would never agree...he would just hate me and be depressed and that really bothers me to think about.  Sometimes I feel he does the same things as me to impress me...he would sit around if I didn't want him to be active.  he denies that.  We have been mildly abusive pushing each other around.  We are both sorry for those things.  I focus on the negatives too much and he knows that.  Any more advise?  I have tried to work this out for year and years even before the new hot guy!

[PlateletGal]

You've spent years fighting with your husband and you've tried counseling and have stayed in this situation, putting your happiness aside.

You said that you think separation would be good. I can certainly understand... you are in, what sounds like, a dead marriage.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You have the 7 year itch...it will pass.  Do not leave your husband for this new guy.  It will never work out.  You obviously are feeling a little bored and that is something you should work on with your husband, not sneaking around with some other guy.  Yuck, do you really want to be that kind of woman?

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

My opinion is one of a more conservative outlook.  If you said for better or for worse than that's how it should be.  Not for better or when the road gets rocky run....have you brought up to your husband how you have been feeling?  Maybe he doesn't recognize that their is a problem.  Because after so long people seem to get comfortable in who and where they are and forget that their are other people to worry about besides themselves.  I think that you should work it out and be strong becuase even the bible says the only reason for divorse that is justified as ok in God's eyes is infidelity.  And without that you are going against your vows not only to your husband but to God and all the people that witnessed your marriage.  YOu might want to think about that is letting all those people down something you can deal with the rest of your life?  So that was my opinion and I can't help if I stepped on any toes but you wanted opinion and this is mine so good luck and hopefully you can make it work.

[Trialanderror]

Stay with your husband and leave that lifestyle. Or leave your husband and then do whatever your heart desires.