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Avatar universal

Should I move with him?

Hey there.. My husband and i been together for 3 years and married 4 months, and we have a big problems that it can't change.  I'm very religious and his not in fact he don't believe in anything :-(and we have different culture too. Before I marry him I was independent and now I'm not working since we have 20 months daughter and I move to where he live now after 2 years.. Now he is going to move Germany for like 3 years and I'm so nervous to move with him that I know nothing about !! My question is should I move to Germany or should I stay here in Texas with my daughter ?
17 Responses
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Avatar universal
Oh Zeezee that wonderful to hear.

I wish you all the best and I know you will love Germany.  I definitely will keep you in my prayers.

Spread your wings and enjoy yourself in Germany and enjoy the time with your loved ones.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi guys. Sorry for taking me time to respond . My little one was not feeling well :-( and I really I appreciate each of you for your advices, you guys are so sweet . And now I've decide to go to Germany. I'm currently with my family to spend some time before we move . My husband is already left to Germany and he said I'll liked it and he said I can go to school or start working just like I would like . and he said he'll do anything to make our marriage work. I'm hoping he'll and I'll also try to .. Anyways I'm so thankful for ya'll and I'm glad I found this sites by mistakes. And I'll definitely well keep in touch . I'll be leaving to Germany on January 20th please keep me in your prayers. Thank you so much and God bless all of you !
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think londres gave you good advice.  I'd go see your family and spend some time there.  Then you can join your husband with the ability to go back home if you want to.  That seems a reasonable approach and appreciate her words to you.  good luck hon
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134578 tn?1642048000
I see it as, she is a military spouse, and the lot of military spouses is that they can't control where their active-duty spouse will be sent.  But there are others in the same boat, other military wives with babies, and she should be able to find a home within that group.  If she is beginning to learn that the climb up the hill is genuinely too steep for her, she might give consideration to ending the marriage.  But if she is merely going through the adjustments all military spouses have to when their husband or wife gets deployed, then she should reach out for all the resources available to her and find her place in the world of military life.  She also has her church, and she will have other supports, in Germany.  In her shoes, I wouldn't give up until I tried it all.
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Avatar universal
Yes, that was mentioned, but so was her concerns about being away from her family and the safety of her daughter in Germany in regards to ISIS.  She stated that in her second post.

That's another solution SM.............her moving back to her country of origin vs. Germany.  That's why I think it's a good idea for her to visit her family and sort this out away from him.  She probably would have better clarity about how to handle this.

I was getting she is more frustrated then ready to end the marriage.  

If there was no child involved, I would say leave the marriage, but there is a child in involved, so she should give it her all for this child's sake.  The child must be the #1 consideration above everything else.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
She said:

My husband and i been together for 3 years and married 4 months, and we have a big problems that it can't change.  I'm very religious and his not in fact he don't believe in anything :-(and we have different culture too. Before I marry him I was independent and now I'm not working since we have 20 months daughter and I move to where he live now after 2 years.

So, to me, this sounds like a relationship that is not working.  She is unhappy.  They have religious and cultural differences.  She's like to work and feels she can't.  

This will get worse when she is alone on a base in Germany. They aren't a happy couple in which she is afraid of Isis so doesn't want to move to Germany.   She describes herself as unhappy in a marriage with problems.  That wouldn't be ideal in my mind to go to Germany.  

If I were her, in an unhappy situation like this, I'd not move out of the country but back home to my family.

If she were happy and all was well and this was JUST about moving to Germany---  that's different.  But she doesn't express that in her initial post.  

Just my opinion but explaining why I have it.  
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Avatar universal
Maybe you see your family before going to Germany?  Sounds like you haven't seen them in a while?
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Avatar universal
He can't just opt out to go to Germany.  He could request another assignment with VALID reasons, but I doubt they will approve it.  

Vaild reason is not equal to a spouse who is scare of going to Germany because of ISIS.

ZeeZee,

If the main problem is your marriage then you need to figure out if you want to stay married or not.  Meanwhile, go with him.  You can always return to the states.  The military provides daycare, so you could even get a job as a trailing spouse and work in Germany.  The bases in Germany are very Americanized and I think you feel very at home there.  There are also support groups for military wives as well.  Most bases in the states offer the same support groups and daycare, so I am not sure why you aren't taking advantage of that while you are in the states.  

Does he not want you working at all?  

You can still work even if you have a 20 month old child.  Don't let anyone make the choice for you to be dependent or independent.  Sounds like you aren't the stay-at-home type.

I think you need to get out and reconnect with others whether it is through work or social activities.  And if you feel the same about your marriage after you've done this then you need to make some difficult decisions in regards to your marriage and what is best for your daughter as well.

All the best.

Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
You've said that you have no one in Texas, that you were alone when you had your daughter, so staying in Texas doesn't make that much sense. If you were to go to Germany, insist that you stay in the country or on the base, so that you're the safest you can be... I think you should give your marriage a chance at working... you can always change your mind , and upon doing so, if you feel that you would rather not live with the army in your life , you could go back to where your family are...

I can imagine how scared you are of ISIS, we ALL are afraid. Please know that you're NOT ALONE!!!

I think the biggest problem that i'm hearing is that you feel alone, outside of your marriage. I think you should plan to go to Germany, but don't live in the city, make sure you're in the country or on the base. I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing that you could do for yourself and your marriage is to make lady friends. Friends that also are stay at home mothers,and have little ones. You can meet them other women your age at Mommy and Me Play Circles. You can find women at the YWCA pool, while getting your baby swimming lessons. You can look for a Book Club near you, or a Walking the Baby group. There are MANY women in your position in the armed forces, Have you had the opportunity to meet any other Army Wives? Has your husband had over other couples for dinner ? You could tell him you're lonely and you think that you need to make some friends before you go to Germany (practice by having a dinner party with his co workers and their wives and kids) , and after you go to Germany (if you decide to go).

I really think that you owe it to your husband to give your marriage a REAL CHANCE at WORKING. You cannot let FEAR be the reason why your marriage doesn't work. You will be fearful anywhere you live if you let fear rule you. Perhaps you can talk to a Therapist on the Army Base. I'm sure there are alot of soldiers and their wives that are fearful and having difficulty in their marriages because of it.

I hope you stick around Medhelp and make some friends here as well. It's always nice to have a few people you know here that knows your personal story and that you can touch base with.

You're going to be okay, IF you add some good friends to your life.  You might also think about getting a part time job or even a full time job down the road if that's something that you think might help you to be happy. It could be that you are not doing well because you feel something is missing in your day to day routine. Maybe you would thrive if you worked.?

My heart goes out to you. Thanks to you for supporting your husband in the armed forces. Your position is just as honorable as your husbands, and you should be proud of yourself for being part of protecting the U.S.A. and the world.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
Her husband is US Army, I don't think people can just say no when they have been assigned somewhere.  Or are you saying that he should resign from the military?  The o.p. has not said if he is in a position to do that.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Again, I read you are not getting along, you are of different cultural and religious backgrounds, you've got no family in Germany.  I wouldn't go for the sake of a marriage that isn't working.  I'd stay where I had support.  And if he cares to be in his daughter's life, HE can sacrifice Germany.  
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
Go to Germany.  There have not been more shootings or attacks there than there have in the United States.  You are more likely to be blasted at a school or shopping mall here, frankly.

If you go with an open mind, you might love it.  Take German lessons and act happy, it will help your marriage.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well, he is in the U.S. Army, so he must go; he hasn't been given a choice.

Zeezee,

How old are you too?  

You are married to a military man and this is unfortunately part of military life..........moving often and to unfamiliar places.  Why separate your daughter from her father because of fear?  If the assignment was dangerous he surely wouldn't be allowed to bring his family.

I am wondering why you had a child with and married a man who is:

so culturally different from you
an atheist
a military man
taking your life into a direction you don't see for yourself

I can understand you are worried about safety and all, but in essence NO ONE is 100% safe anywhere regardless if he/she is in the U.S. or Germany.  The incident in California proves that.  Your husband has chosen to serve his country and when you married him you chose to accept that.

Don't separate your family. Go to Germany.

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have to ask, the BIG differences such as religion and the cultural expectations  . . .   ugh.  Those have always been there hon.  Hindsight is 20/20 but I so encourage women to see those red flags that will be potential relationship issues and NOT stay with that person before there is a baby or marriage.  But again, hindsight is 20/20.

My honest opinion.  No.  I wouldn't move.  If you are unhappy and this would take you away from your support, I'd not move.  He can stay where you are too, right?  Moving is a mutual decision and I wouldn't follow him at this point.  good luck
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Avatar universal
We were engaged when I had our daughter I've never married or have another child.. I'm just so nervous for my daughters safety definitely scared  of ISIS . My husband is US Army and that doesn't mean we'll  be safe another country . I gave a birth to my child alone here. he was deployed to meddle east last year I was very depressed had nobody he came back when she was 7 months old . and now we have to go to Germany for 3 years and then  after that we don't know where. I'm just so tired and It's just so had to be far a way from my family .. I appreciate for your advice you're right maybe I should do this for the sake my daughter..
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
You've only been married for 4 months,  and it doesn't seem like anything at all has changed in that time - you're both still from different cultures,  you have a nearly 2 year old daughter who you've been staying home with - why does it seem now like you aren't a match after just 4 months?  Did you feel like you were a match 4 months ago?
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Well, it is normal for  a women who married a man to follow them should their employment take them to a new place.  When you say "My question is , should i move to Germany or should i stay in Texas with my daughter|" What do you mean? Do you have an older daughter from a previous marriage that you want to stay near?

You were with a man for 36 months in total and married 4 short months ago. You had a child 20 months ago, so you were pregnant for 9 months so that makes 29 months ago you got pregnant. You were with your husband for 7 months total before planning to have a family with him. You went so far as to marry the man 4 months ago, so for you to now ask if you should move to Germany with him, I would have to say YES, suck it up.  I doubt anything has changed in the last 4 months. You knew that he was not religious for 7 months prior to getting pregnant, you decided or put yourself into the position of having a child with a person that was not religious. Just because he is not religious doesn't mean that he's a bad man. or a lost man. There are alot of problems in the world that are happening as a result of religion.

You've said nothing about what type of man he is. so frankly i have to assume that he is a good man.
You've said nothing about him hurting you or the baby.
This man had a child with you, and stepped up to marry you for the sake of the family. You've said nothing about his acting with no integrity. He's married you and wants to provide for his family by taking a job in Germany.  You are not working so all the moreso it is important that his job placement be supported by his family.

Because you've said nothing about him being a bad man, so I assume that he' s a good man, that is being responsible and providing for his stay at home wife and young daughter.  

I think it would be terrible if you decided to stay in Texas because "it's for 3 years, and you're so nervous that you don't know anything about (Germany)."

This man deserves to be in his daughters life , it should be a priority for you to have your daughter's father in her life. A little girl needs their daddy. You need to be brave, take a course in German, so that you can acclimate to the country and the people.

I know that it must be scary with everything that is happening in the news right now, to travel. Perhaps you could ask if you both discuss an alternative, (for those reasons) Like maybe you could say that Texas might be a safer place to raise your daughter right now (as Europe seems to be getting the brunt of problems with ISIS). and that might be one good reason to stay... maybe something there worth discussing..

But as for you breaking up the family because you're just not that into travelling, NO , I don't think you have the right to do that. Your husband has done nothing wrong to deserve a divorce , or deserve to lose his child.

My suggestion is to work towards becoming closer to your husband, rather than set up road blocks to that.  Marriage takes sacrifice sometimes by way of movng to support a job. I think you should be grateful you have a good man that wants to be a good daddy and do the right thing and go to work to make a living so his daughter can have a stay at home mom.

I wouldn't think highly of a women that went to the trouble of marrying a man, and then gave up on the marriage due to geography. I'm MOST CONCERNED about the fact that you have not addressed how SAD your daughter would be to lose being a family with her dad at home and present. I hope this is not a case of women feeling that a man is replaceable because he is the father and not the mother. That would be diabolical in my opinion.
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